...and you say "why?"

so he keeps asking me "why?"

"why? why do you think this is a good idea?"

"why is it important to you now?"

"why do you think i should just say 'ok!' when you only give me 'because' in response?"

"why is it so hard for you to come up with an answer to 'why?'"

good question. every single question this friend - this male friend with whom i share a history that involved entwined conversations, shared commitments and the naming of desired and forever unborn children - is as good as the one that preceded it when the topic of us meeting in the present comes up.

and i can't come up with a reason that clearly answers "why." i used to be a reporter. i know that question falls within the top five you always strive to answer in order to carve out your story. when my children ask me why the sky is blue, or why they have bellybuttons, why the titanic sank, why it's dark on one side of the world while we're bathed in light, or even why people have to die, i can answer them.

but i can't answer him.

i can't explain why meeting this person who once meant a great deal to me is something i think would be ok ("it's not," that ethereal creature on one side of me whispers. over and over again). i can't answer why i even tossed it out as an idea. ok, i can answer that. i threw it up in the air because i never expected it would be caught. never assumed he'd give the idea so much as a passing remark in response ("riiiigght," grins the nastier creature perched on the other side). in the grand scheme of my life, i've gotten on very well without having seen him for more than a decade. when we chat, our conversations are now neutral and seem to defy the rule that ex's can't be friends.

ok, really? we're probably not stellar examples of that whole "ex's rule" purely because we've not seen the other or talked in person in so very long. the rule hasn't been tested in harsh reality, under the lights of some restaurant or wherever some meeting would take place. so in this case, it merely remains a theory. a cute theme upon which movies are made.

we didn't end badly, necessarily. we just ended. now he's happy. i'm happy. meeting now wouldn't change that. yes. i've used that argument. my case for "why."

but it's silly, that reason. it could (potentially) only serve to complicate things. that's what he says.

and he's probably right. it's easier for us to come up with a laundry list of complications swirling around the idea of meeting than it is for us to decide it's something to do.

and that? that really is the answer to "why." why there won't be a meeting. why we've gone this long without one. why i don't relish complications.

because "why" doesn't always have an easy answer, but it's there even if you have to make one up.