'the book of love is long and boring...'

i have no real strong opinions about valentine's day, but i do have a front row seat to the argument that it is a consumer-driven holiday. from what i've seen from the people shopping at the bookstore lately, the apparent hope is that february 14th will be a passionate little adventure, a day bathed in sex. lots of position of the day manuals, guides to getting it on, and sex coupons are being purchased this week.

i want to tell all the men and women (and it's an even mix so far) who come up to a register and plop down laura corn's "101 nights of grrreat sex" (those extra r's are there because you're apparently supposed to growl at your partner. it's so sexy.) to put their money away. it's not welcome at the store.

except management would frown upon that and honestly, i don't need the hassle of the "let's be good employees, ok?" talk.

i wish i could warn these shoppers that the $30 plus tax (less if you have a membership with us! management does like me to plug that every chance i get...) they're plunking down on that book has the potential to rapidly turn around and mock them. instead, i look for signs they have a conscientious nature. a willingness to go the distance.

"101 nights of grrreat sex" is a marathon, not a race.

my husband and i hit a wall about one and a half miles in after i purchased that book long ago and far away. today, that happy little tome is stuffed in an attache case buried in our bedroom closet. i want to warn the customers who select it and happily bring it to the register, all eager and giggly, to wait. just wait, because you'll see. "101 nights of grrreat sex" will end up shoved in a drawer or stashed in the back of a closet, never to see the light of day again until you're both dead and your loved ones are cleaning out your belongings and stumble upon it. it will be at that time they'll either recoil in horror at the idea of the now deceased once having sex, or sadly shake their heads at the fact that there are 100 of the 101 sexy, seductive secrets still encased in their sealed pages.

like what might happen at my house. i'm just saying.

we barely ripped any of those pages out. that inspiration business can get pricey. and honestly, i'm going to get the same sex with or without it. plus, i have two young children. some days i'll take whatever i can get as long as the discussion leading up to it doesn't revolve around what the kids did that day and my husband doesn't whine when i tell him he can't have a juice box.

honestly, i'd recommend ms. corn write a book for parents wanting to reconnect. it's not as sexy to take a bubble bath with your mate when one of you has to scrub the tub first and find a place to put the suave bubblegum scented, no tears shampoo and squeaky ducks.

or maybe it's just me who thinks so.

irregardless, if these people are intent on buying this book, i could hook them up on the cheap if they don't mind stopping by my house and store management doesn't get a whiff of my backroom dealings.

and maybe, just maybe i could get them to clean out my tub and hide the toy ducks so i could practice what the one slightly used book preaches!

and that would be grrreat...