$#*! that dude buys
I stopped at the grocery store yesterday afternoon, capping off a morning spent running various errands by picking up ingredients for a couple different dinner options. When I was done aimlessly wandering the aisles and resisting the siren call of the ice cream freezers, I made my way to a cashier to complete my purchase.
As I was making pleasant small talk about the day, the weather, and my items with her, I felt the presence of another person behind me. Not unusual, of course, in such a setting, but this particular presence felt uncomfortably close.
"Someone's in a real toot," I thought, sliding my debit card through the machine.
A toot, indeed! Before I could step forward to grab my handy recyclable bag filled with goods, I felt the other shopper's cart nipping at my heels, so I turned to face this most anxious foe. Before my eyes even hit upon the person behind the cart, they landed upon the items in his cart.
Fifteen cans of peanuts and 12 bottles of prune juice.
Let me just repeat that, OK?
Fifteen cans of peanuts and 12 bottles of prune juice! Seriously. I counted.
I mean, really?!
From there, my eyes flew upward to see a smiling, greasy-haired, jovial man clearly eager to make his purchases and go.
Perhaps literally.
I was honesty frozen in my spot, fighting the urge to ask the man what sort of terrifying cocktail hour he was setting himself up for. I can't imagine anyone's gastrointestinal system could be strong enough to withstand the powerful force a combination of peanuts and prune juice could have on the body. I'd think your colon would have to be made of industrial grade metals or Terminator parts. I thought my mind might actually explode coming up with all the different ways this combination couldn't be good for one's body, but then I feared any explosion that resulted from the moment this shopper and I we were unwittingly sharing, and so I grabbed my bag and made to leave.
What was in MY bag, you ask? Why, just everything I needed to make a massive pot of chili! Chili so good it's been known to cause one's insides to start singing like angels on high mere moments after consumption!
(Except for mine, of course, for while the title of this blog may include the word 'girl,' I am nothing if not a lady)
I guess the moral of this story, if there is one, is that it doesn't really matter what any of us have in our shopping carts, at the end of the day (or perhaps first thing in the morning) we're all the same in the end.
(Here's where I might be inclined to say something like 'Rim shot!' and end things, but that would be wrong. Because I am a lady...I just felt like I should maybe remind you of that...)
Labels: Aww nuts
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 9:52 PM
21 Comments:
15 bottles of prune juice! I can't imagine ingesting that much prune juice, let alone mixed with sharp, half-chewed peanuts. Ouch! Did he have any witch hazel or vaseline hiding in that cart???
Well...if you eat that much peanut butter it might be a good thing to have that much prune juice on hand. Reminds me of people who take sleeping pills to sleep and then stimulant pills to wake themselves up...
hmmmm... yeah that's all have for this one besides my lust for you....
Holy crap that's a lot of prune juice. That's kind of scary!
Men shop differently from women. They stock up on the essentials so they don't have to go out to buy supplies more than twice a year. We have more pasta and Chips Ahoy and tissues than any 2 humans can consume in a year.
Of course, I could be wrong about this guy. I'm so glad you refrained from typing in "Rim Shot" at the end.
My ass hurts just reading this.
Ah, the good ol' peanut-and-prune-juice smoothie. . . Or maybe he's havin' some buddies over for multiple rounds of prune juice margaritas (no tequila, tho, huh?). . . Or heck, maybe he's just planning a trip to the moon, and he wants to make sure he's got enough, you know, launch-power. . .
Or, you know, maybe he's reading 'War and Peace', and he just wants to make sure he's got enough 'bathroom time'. . .
And, uh - 'Rim Shot' - you're gonna do time in Purgatory for that one, m'love. . .
You got it all wrong! He was have a cocktail party at the old people's home!
I was JUST thinking about making "FG" Chili. The "FG", of course, stands for "F**KING GOOD".
I really hope I'm never expected to drink pune juice for um... Anyway - it's vile. Once Chris accidentally bought some thinking it was grape juice (??) and poured a tall glass for both himself and our daughter Eleanor. Wish I was there to see the looks on their faces when they took that first sip. Apparently it was quite a scene. How they managed to not notice that their grape juice was brown and sludgey is beyond me...
I knew it was going to be some old fogie when you said he had his cart nipping your heels. What's up with that???
personally i think it would be a hoot if you invited him to dinner and combined your respective menus...as long as i don't have to partake and stand by watching....with a gas mask.
I...I really don't know what to say. I can't believe you didn't try to get into a conversation with this guy! Come on! Just think of all the future blog fodder you could have had.
"Fodder" is a funny word.
Miz Dinah - I should have suggested a trip down the street to the Walgreen's for some Tucks, but I was speechless at the idea of the pain this combo has to induce.
Kat - Had the man had some cheese tossed into his cart, I would have seriously thought I was being punked!
Savage - In light of the subject, I respect the ability to still lust!
Maggie - I think to buy that much at one time, you have to bring a card up to the counter like you have to when you buy some over-the-counter medicines and then have it legally dispensed to you.
Cheryl - My husband is incapable of coming home from any store without a 48 ounce bag of M&Ms. It's weird how the way I shove handfuls of them in my mouth make it impossible for me to complain when he does.
SciFi Dad - Without question. I had to come home and rest after the sight.
Craig - For all the things I'm going to up up doing time in purgatory for, I definitely imagine using the words 'rim' and 'shot' together should be added to the list. :)
Pat - Probably the owner of an geriatric bar that's only open from 3 to 4:30 p.m. :)
Kate - It looked thick and nasty and I swear if I ever have to drink some, it's because I've made a bet that someone will give me a hundred kabillion dollars for drinking a glass.
Cocotte - OH! Here's the clincher (heh...)! He wasn't an old man! No! He was about my age! I should have remembered to mention that. May have sold this story a little better that way!
lime - I don't think my home owner's insurance covers explosions. :)
justmakingourway - There was a wee bit of him that looked like I like to imagine serial killers look like, and I figured it best I get out of there before I fell for a rouse where I helped him put his bags into his white Chevy kidnapper van.
I have some prune juice in the fridge.
My doctor made me buy it.
But I just can't bring myself to pour a glass... I wonder if it goes better with peanuts? Just gotta do the math of the ratio of peanuts to juice.
I wonder if he puts the peanuts in the prune juice? You know, like they put peanuts in coke in the south? It's still weird.
I don't even want to think about it... shudder
The chili, on the other hand, I'm sure is most-excellent, if not awesome, as befits the creator of this blog who despite-the-name-is-always-a-lady.
(Still, 15 bottles? 15??)
ick ick ick...not b/c of the prune juice, but because of your final comment! How DARE you put that in my brain!
kelley - Dude, that kind of math would blow my mind more intensely than I think a cocktail of prune juice and peanuts would do to my colon!
anymommy - Better that than the old Laverne & Shirley standby of milk and Pepsi...but I think just barely!
Sailor - That chili has been damn awesome. I don't even know what I do to make it taste differently every time I make it, because I make it the same way, but this batch has been pretty awesome.
Christina - Heh, sorry. So very sorry! ;)
He was your age? Well, that makes the story even more astounding. I just can't imagine a 23 year old buying that sort of thing :)
Cocotte - It would perhaps be a hauntingly awful hazing ritual if a 23 year old bought that combination. That or a case of something so horrific it should be broadcast on a special Discovery Health presentation.
If you consider that maybe he's not going to chew the peanuts, he could be trying to make a human machine gun. I'm thinking aiming might be an issue . . .
p.s. Wouldn't beans make a better propellant?
p.p.s. - yeah, I know. Sorry.
Post a Comment
<< Home