...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

and so, now...

Just a year ago, my dear friend Shawn died unexpectedly. The loss of everything we loved about him has been a gaping hole in my heart and the hearts of those who love him. I hate that I cry when I think of him instead of beg him to stop what he's doing because it's making me laugh so hard that I'm crying. Two weeks ago, on the anniversary of his death, I took time to pray for his two sons, and I spoke with his wife, Penny. Last Sunday, during the busy transition period between our church services, I smiled across the room at Penny, then made my way to her to hug her and tell her I love her.

This morning...

This morning, en route to church yet again, I growled when I heard my cell phone start to ring from somewhere at the bottom of my purse, and stabbed my arm into the bag several times before my fingers made contact with the tiny device I think I now officially hate.

"I have some news, and it's not good."

God, seriously, I hate these phone calls.

Unexpected.

Unwelcome.

My friend Penny killed herself early this morning.

Unhappy.

Undone.

I simply have no words, and the few I do seem pointless. I know none of you had the honor of having either of these individuals as your friend, but I just needed to put these few words down here as a reminder to me when I come back to them that, yes, this is all true. There's yet another reason to cry.

35 Comments:

Blogger Cocotte said...

I am so sorry for yet another loss in your life. Hugs & prayers being sent your way.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I am so very, very sorry.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 3:46:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

There are no words. And I am sorry for that. I wish I could think of the perfect thing to say.

Know I am thinking of you -- and Penny.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 4:21:00 PM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

Those poor boys. I am so sorry you have to go through this, and I can't imagine the amount of pain that would make a woman take herself away from her children and friends.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 4:46:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

How sad that the pain is so bad that you can't even get past it to think of your two children. What about THEM?

I am sorry for your loss - of BOTH friends.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

Oh wow, I just don't know what to say. Sorry doesn't seem enough. But I am, to hear of both passings and my heart breaks for those boys.

Thinking of you.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:12:00 PM  
Blogger Possum said...

How absolutely dreadful for all of you...on every level this is such a tragedy.
Thinking of those poor boys leaves me speechless.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

I am so sorry. And my heart breaks for those boys. . .

You might recall that Jen's sister took her own life a few years back (in fact, last Monday was the 6th anniversary), so I understand some of what you're going thru. For what it's worth. . .

{{{hugs}}}

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:32:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Oh no... that is heartwrenching and tragic. I am sorry...

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:42:00 PM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm dealing with someone close to me with thoughts of doing the same thing... I don't know what's worse: knowing it might happen, or being shocked when it does.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:44:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

oh god, fadkog....i am so sorry. so incredibly sorry. sadly, i have an idea how this feels too. a family member made the same choice many years ago, the anniversary was this past week. hugs, much love, many prayers......i wish i had a magic wand to make it all different for you.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 6:59:00 PM  
Anonymous sherendipity said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:26:00 PM  
Blogger Kyddryn said...

I am so very sorry.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Sunday, November 07, 2010 7:50:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

I am so, so sorry. For you, her kids, for everyone who loves and cares for this family. Peace.

Sunday, November 07, 2010 11:54:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

No.

Monday, November 08, 2010 12:19:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

hugs.

Monday, November 08, 2010 3:45:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry. Suicide is so confusing and horrible. I lost a dear friend to suicide several years ago and on some levels I'm still not over it. Please email me if you want to talk. {{Hugs}}

Monday, November 08, 2010 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger Bekah said...

Oh I am so sorry for you and for her kids and for everyone who is hurting from this. I wish I had words that would help you all heal, please know that we are praying

Monday, November 08, 2010 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh that's terrible. I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you...

Monday, November 08, 2010 10:01:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Haven't been commenting much on blogs lately but had to let you know that my heart goes out to you. I am literally beyond words to describe how this makes me feel. Suicide is horrid. Can't believe it's been almost 7 months since my son chose to end his life. There truly are days that I think NOT being here to live this pain would be better.

But I have my husband and my wonderful son Connor to try to live for.

Every single second I feel like I am dying inside. I miss my Shmoops more than words can say.

I am simply sorry for everyone.
Hallie

Monday, November 08, 2010 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sending you hugs and thoughts and prayers.

Monday, November 08, 2010 12:17:00 PM  
Blogger Edie Kate said...

My heart aches and reaches out to you and those who have lost these beautiful people. I hope they both have found bliss and peace.

Monday, November 08, 2010 8:20:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I'm so terribly terribly sorry for your loss, for the loss to those kids and all who knew and loved her.
Hugs and prayers for you all

Monday, November 08, 2010 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

I know words can't take away this pain for you - and for those boys. God. I'm not much for praying - but I'll be thinking of you all tonight.

Sending you love and peace.

Monday, November 08, 2010 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I'm so sorry. Love and light to you and to their children.

Monday, November 08, 2010 11:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Love you sweetie.

That is all I have.

Just love.

Monday, November 08, 2010 11:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

I'm so, so sorry. I've been thinking about you all day.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010 12:50:00 AM  
Blogger Emsxiety said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain, for you, for her to have taken her life and for her children who now have to live without either parent.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010 11:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Words fail. SO very sorry

FL

Tuesday, November 09, 2010 2:30:00 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

I am so sorry. I imagine the pain must have been unbearable for her, but I wish she would have found another way - for all of you. Hugs and love to you and their kids.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

<3

Wednesday, November 10, 2010 11:30:00 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Oh my goodness. I can only imagine the amount of pain she must have been in to feel like this was her only resort. I'll be praying for her boys.

(((HUGS))) and much love!

Thursday, November 11, 2010 2:49:00 AM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

That's just an awful situation. I am so sorry.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 8:22:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I wish I knew some comforting words of wisdom for you. How about a nice shot of tequila???

No wonder you have been feeling so low. Please give yourself some time--a LOT of time--because a tragedy of this magnitude needs a lot of healing.

We, the Blogiverse, LOVE YOU, FADKOG!!!

Thursday, November 11, 2010 9:51:00 AM  

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