...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

i finally have concrete evidence no one is checking out my ass

Twelve hours after putting on my pants today, I discovered a hole in the seat. A tiny hole, you ask? No. This was a gaping wound that tore apart the harmonious union forged in fabric once enjoyed by the two parts of my sensible pants.

(forgive me for what follows...)

This was definitely a hole near the a...OK, I can't...

My discovery is disheartening because until recently, this is a pair of pants my ass couldn't fit into for a long time, a pair I recently reunited with in a victory dance brought on by months of squats and a bitter breakup with peanut butter (note to peanut butter - I know you're still out there, I know you still love me, but cool it with the overt attempts to get me back, m'kay?).

Butt (har har) do you want to know the real reason I'm torn up by this tear? I visited the following highly populated areas during the 12 hours the pants were on my body:
  • my son's middle school
  • my place of employment
  • Walmart
  • the bank
  • the grocery store
  • the YMCA
  • the gas station
and not one person apparently took a gander at mah goods! While I was experiencing the flip side of "Hey, you've got a piece of spinach or something between your teeth," no one, in all those places, during all that time, cared to notice my holy grail in my holey pants! Seriously?! You could see where the sun don't shine through the opening I was (inadvertently) giving you! In fact, if you HAD looked, you damn well better have been done so through a hole in a paper plate. Not so much to protect your eyes, but to it to cover them so as not to see that, yeah, it's still a wee bit of a train wreck back there in the caboose department.

Perhaps peanut butter and I should rethink our relationship.

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18 Comments:

Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

What am I supposed to say? "I'm sure they were looking but didn't want to tell you about the hole?" "Isn't it better that they weren't looking so they didn't notice?"

This reminds me of how men feel when we ask them, "do I look fat?" The answer will never be right.

UNLESS... I go with "they were so blown away by how fantastic your ass looked that they completely missed the hole." Yeah - that sounds about right.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 7:43:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

That is so weird, because I have been thinking about your ass all day. And peanut butter.

Sorry, that was too far.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 8:32:00 PM  
Blogger Laggin said...

I'm sure they tore when you were getting out of the car when you arrived home after running all those errands. No one noticed because there was no tear.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 9:21:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

Oh my goodness. I've been there, girl... with a tear in pants, w/ my period, you name it.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Funny. After reading this, I just keep thinking about jelly.

Thursday, May 19, 2011 10:55:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

The label is perfect. I'm pretty sure Laggin is right on the money. And I need a Reese's cup really badly right now.

Friday, May 20, 2011 5:41:00 AM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

Clearly, they were mesmerized by your boobs.

Clearly.

Friday, May 20, 2011 5:57:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

They probably thought you were starting a new fashion trend. I mean, boys show their boxers 24/7 these days, why can't girls show some panty?

Friday, May 20, 2011 6:15:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Well, jeez, if some babe is gonna go around flashing her ass for the general public, what are guys gonna do - "Uh, did you know you were flashing your ass at me?" So she'll STOP?

You see what I mean. . .

;)

Altho SFD makes a good point about the KAR (and it's been a looooonnnggg time since we've heard anything about her/them). . .

Friday, May 20, 2011 8:09:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I think people were just enjoying the view too much to make you stop. Also, I personally can't imagine telling anyone other than family or a close friend about the hole near their hole so I can see why no one commented on it.
Now, get rid of those pants before you FORGET about the hole and wear them again. I have done it. It's not pretty.

Friday, May 20, 2011 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Yeah, any card-carrying man I know isn't going to alert the foxy dame about the pants hole (man, there's just no way to say that without sounding dirrrty) & risk that juicy caboose leaving their line of vision.

Relatedly, thank you for giving me the "I don't think you're ready for this jelly..." earworm this fine Friday afternoon. Or should I blame my close personal friend, Peanut Butter?

Friday, May 20, 2011 4:15:00 PM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

So you had a waredrobe malfunction?
No one thinks of those things since Janet....

Friday, May 20, 2011 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Is it wrong of me to admit I was looking on www.peopleofwalmart.com so I could laugh?

Saturday, May 21, 2011 3:01:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

i was gonna make the same point craig already made. it's possible, ya know? plus it feels better than the alternative.

Sunday, May 22, 2011 3:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Chantelle said...

whats funny is the same thing happened to me on Friday. i was in a hurry and just threw on a pair of shorts i hadnt worn since last year. big hole. no undies. i just ran to the school to get my daughter and luckily i never got out. i only ran around my house in them for a couple hours when i finally noticed. three kids and my brother. nobody noticed or said anything. and i made sure i threw them out right away so i wouldnt forget and put them back on. moral of the story, never be in such a hurry that you think you can get by with out your panties.

Monday, May 23, 2011 7:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

Just because they didn't SAY anything, doesn't mean they weren't LOOKING. I walked through two office buildings and a restaurant the other day with my dress tucked into my panties, and even though no one said anything, I'm quite sure there were plenty of people who noticed.

Just sayin.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011 7:04:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

This makes me think of a quote from Chorus Line. "I suppose you're old enough, I can tell you now: Your father went through half his life with an open fly."

Yes, I can access show tune lines that easily. Also, I often find myself doing the surreptitious fly check as I approach public places. Obviously, there needs to be that for the back end as well.

Fini (I was going to say "The End" but well, you know.)

Thursday, June 09, 2011 6:40:00 AM  
Blogger The Lady's Lounge said...

Say yes to Peanut Butter.

Sunday, June 12, 2011 12:14:00 PM  

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