rock out with your little plastic game console guitar out

Hello suburbia! It's good to be back! Are you ready to rock?

I can't hear you!!

I said ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???

OOOHH Yeah! I wanna see you bouncin', suburbia!

Seriously, in the dictionary of lame (the collegiate edition), the entry under "loser" would be "Me - the girl who talks to herself a lot and fancies herself a rock star despite the fact she threw the clarinet down at her band teacher's feet the summer between seventh and eight grade and yelled, 'I'll never be able to hit that sharp!' and then cried while she walked home because what would she tell her parents!?"

But then, if you then flipped a few pages ahead to the entry for "totally awesome" it would read "That clarinet quitter who totally SHREDS at "Guitar Hero II in her living room, complete with an Angus Young strut and a propensity to yell, 'I gots your whammy bar right here, baby!'"

And there'd be a picture of me, totally giving you the "rock and roll salute" that I pretty much bust out at any time, be it to honor a truly kick ass dinner or as a thank you for of some decent sex. I'm just that alternative, baby!

Because I routinely like to get my ass handed to me by 9 year old boys who can bust me at video games (my dexterity sucks, man!), we decided this week to jump on the Guitar Hero fad for our PS2. I'd never played it before. I'd never seen it in action. But as soon as I saw this "Rocks the 80s" version in the Best Buy ad last Sunday, let's just say I've been a little obsessed. Like "change your panties, make a shrine, call your crush in the middle of the night, whisper "I think you're cute," then giggle and hang up" obsessed.

(And honestly, I need a reason other than blogging to suck the soul of time out of me. That's about it)

Yesterday, after letting the boys hover over me like flies on a chunk of roadkill for a good portion of the day, waiting for me to open up the game system, we made our debut. Twenty minutes in, I listened as my oldest son, the one we worked so hard with every night to help him memorize his multiplication facts during the school year, perfectly sing Cheap Trick's Surrender after his first exposure to it. Never missed a line. Of course, I'm so proud. But now I figure I have to bust out those weird Rick Nielsen looks and pretend to play a five neck guitar to get the principles of division down cold with him this school year. Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year? They'd be me. Thanks for asking.

Two hours into playing (honestly, technology is a demanding lover), I was a wreak in my living room. "This guitar playing thing isn't so hard!" I screamed over a Strutter lick. I'll believe anything. And, because I believe there is a rock and roll heaven (John Lennon at the right hand. Michael Hutchence prowling around in the back, waiting his turn at the mic), I relished in a bit of delightful irony just as I finished a steamy, sweaty version of the Crue's Shout At The Devil. At the final note, the doorbell rang.

At it?

The missionary boys from the RLDS church! Su-weeeet!

"Having a good day, miss?" they asked.

"Absolutely the greatest! I just kicked it to 'Shout At The Devil'!" I replied, while my screaming groupie kids ran around me.

"Oh! Heh heh," they tittered. "Well, do you have a moment for us to share with you some information about the one true prophet?"

"Honey, unless you're talking about the Messiah I like to call Bono, I have to get back out there! My fans are screaming for me!" I said.

They attempted to leave me a Book of Mormon (What?! No panties?!), but I told them I wrote the the book. The Book of Rock, that is (Rock and roll salute, my babies!). When Jesus gave his Sermon on the Mount? I'd have been the opening act. First song? Primus' John the Fisherman.

Damn right.

But now it's encore time, and I have an axe to grind. In this topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

Or cheap plastic. I guess I'll stick with what I know.

(But hey! After you go, don't forget to head over to Chag's at Cynical Dad and check out the songs I've chosen this week for his "Song of the Day" entries! Then, if you feel the need to roll your eyes and talk smack about them, come back here and just try and take me on. I dare you! But leave Chag a nice comment. He rocks!)