performing way, way, way off broadway

A one-act play entitled "Sex in My House." I will be playing the part of Italic, a moderately fancy minx and temptress of San Serif, the husband, who shall be played by my husband. As the curtain rises, Italic and San Serif have scampered like bunnies to the bedroom after enjoying a bit of the kitchen counter flirting they'd be known for if what they sometimes do against said kitchen counter when Italic wears a nightgown - just a nightgown - ever got out among their friends.

"So yes?"
"Yes."
"What's that face?"
"Showin' ya my O face, baby."
"If that's your O face already, you've got some work to do down here."
"Hey honey? Did you eat peanut butter before you came up here?"
"Toast. I had toast. Has anyone ever told you you talk a lot?"
"They should really make one of these things with booster jets..."
"Maybe you need one of those big wand thingies. Everybody uses those."
"Who's everybody?"
"Just everybody."
"When are you talking to everybody?"
"Just places."
"You're watching porn, aren't you? That's where you get your information, isn't it?"
"No! No, I am not watching porn!"
"Really? Because that last thing you did? The last time? That seemed like a porn thing to me!"
"I am not watching porn!"
"Oh, that's what everybody says when you bring up the porn thing!"
"Who's everybody?"
"Just everybody."
"When are you talking to everybody?"
"I get out there, man."
"So, you sayin' you wanna watch some porn?"
"Porn? Blech! Porn is yucky!" (fingers crossed behind San Serif's back)
"Seriously, what is that face you're making?"
"It's just my face."
"Maybe if you talked a little dirty to me, yeah?"

(silence)

"No? Maybe?"
"Hey! Did you remember to lock the bedroom door?"
"Oh, baby, did you feel that? I think I might have just... . Your dirty talk got me going..."
"So whattaya think, yeah?!" (wink)
"WHERE?!"
"There!" (wink)
"WHERE?!"
"There!" (wink)
"Oh! Yeaaahhh. I don't think so!"

Offstage, a faint ruckus erupts. Italic is oblivious and doing her thing. San Serif pauses.

"Did you hear that?"
"What? Dirty talk? No. No I didn't."
"That. "Did you hear that?"

-knock knock-

"Daddy? Daddy, can we have lunch?"

"That? Was that what you were talking about?"
"You good?"
"Oh, I'm bad, baby! Very, verrry bad. Rawwwr."

(silence)

"I meant are you 'good' good?"
"I could eat."
"Oh reallllly?"

(silence)

"You know what I'm craving?"
"Some peanut butter toast?"
"I think you just made me have the O face, baby!"

...and scene...