so much for that whole god rest ye merry gentlemen business

So when last we met, Christmas was on the horizon. I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families. Ours was as lovely as five hours of solid sleep (seriously, my kids were up and chatting excitedly outside our bedroom door at 4 a.m.!!!) and family dysfunction allows, and gave me time to learn a lot of things about myself and my loved ones (and some I don't love nearly as much as others) that I'm now going to share with you. Consider this my 'really crappy, purchased at the last minute, sorry, but I didn't get a receipt so you can't return this' gift to you!

• Christmas is the only time I believe I can sing, and, sadly, I rock the carols like I'm Celine Dion.
• As a result, I owe apologies to my church family, who, in the spirit of the season, didn't shoot glaring eyes at me while I musically caressed O Holy Night during Christmas Eve services.
• I should also apologize for the way I laughed during O Come All Ye Faithful. I swear I was laughing at my youngest son, who was totally Pavarottiing the moment, and not because I have a filthy mind.
• Nearly seven years in, none of my inlaws know how to spell my youngest son's very uncomplicated name. Three sets of aunts and uncles + six gifts = six different spellings. Every year.
• This shouldn't surprise me considering I've been saying "That's not my name" to one of my brother-in-laws, who has called me everything but my very uncomplicated given name for the past 15 years.
• Ham retains it's top seat as my least favorite pork product.
• Based on the tasteless excuse for deviled eggs my sister-in-law brought to Christmas dinner, my Mom's deviled eggs are, truly, the tits.
• It's possible to be in a 7x7 room with 30 adults and 5 kids and not cry and/or kill anyone. But, oh, how you'll want to.
• An empty 24 oz diet Pepsi bottle is not an effective seat saving device when 30 adults and 5 kids are fighting for the ample space 1 loveseat and 1 sofa provides.
• When you're asked to bring a potato creation to Christmas dinner, never assume, despite repeated assurances, that your starchy side dish will be the only potato option available.
• When you walk into your inlaw's house bearing two giant pans of homemade au gratin potatoes and find yourself in the midst of a gravy crisis going on over a massive pot of mashed potatoes AND spy a huge bowl of marshmallow-topped sweet potatoes, be sure to wish everyone a merry Christmas BEFORE muttering "What the hell?! I thought I was the only one bringing potatoes to this nightmare!!"
• I wish there was a way to get my kids to act like Dickens orphans all year and not just last week, which was filled with lots of "Might we have some lunch now, Mum?" and "Would you mind terribly if I borrowed your red marker, sir?"
• A fake Wii appeases the kids much more cheaply than a real one. Also, fake Wii boxing wears me the hell out, and I need to lay off the deviled eggs, be they shitty or titty.
• When your father-in-law passes out in the kitchen (while en route to getting more of your au gratins, thank you very much) apparently it's no big thing, so enjoy that ham, yo.
• Being an adult at Christmas time and not getting any gifts kind of sucks.
• Unless you get a tube of strawberry lip gloss. Then it truly sucks.
• The impact of the recession was fully evident in that single tube of lip gloss, too. Last year, I got two tubes.
• I never thought it would happen, but I actually missed not having my mother-in-law's traditional birthday cake for Jesus - which looks exactly like the birthday cakes she makes for all family birthdays, except minus the magazine cutouts of Spiderman or Batman she puts on them for the boys (but OMG, that would be awesome!).
• When you or someone in your family greets you with "Merry fucking Christmas," it's pretty much time to put a cap on the festivities.
• That sentiment explains why we spent only 1 hour at my Mom's house.
• Norad's official Santa tracker on Google Earth was a spectacular tool to help me keep my kids in line Christmas Eve. I wish they'd keep Santa on screen all year, tucked at the North Pole, and every once in awhile, he'd point to the satellite and shake his finger so I could convince my boys he is, indeed, watching all year long.
• The blatant lack of fudge this year was a huge disappointment.
• It's awesome when five-year-old's get guitars for Christmas presents, she said sarcastically.
• The annual debate over who gets to open their gifts first - oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest - never gets old.
• My teeth hurt from gritting them as that debate raged on. However, I have soft, shiny lips!
• My Mom doesn't trust the disordered eating she helped create in me so much that she's willing to bake 24 dozen chocolate chip cookies - 3 at a time - in a toaster oven rather than bring all the dough to my house so I could bake them for her after her own oven broke.
• Give a kid one Lego and you end up stepping on it and bitching. Give a kid 2,300 Legos and assume you'll have a couple days of peace. Two hours later and two huge Lego projects later, realize you have a kid who is apparently a Lego savant.
• It really is time my Mom got rid of the three holiday sweatshirts she's worn each Christmas season for the past 20 years.
• Bono, my beloved pretend husband, has indeed become my crush with eyeliner, and I await the time we can share a Wet & Wild eye pencil.

Oh, how I love the holidays! Next up is the big non-event that is New Year's Eve. I've not yet made any concrete resolutions yet, but I'm tossing a couple around in my head (many of them involve monkeys, zombies, and zombie monkeys). If we happen to bump into each other between now and December 31st, I promise not to greet you with an expletive like my Mom would!