...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, November 13, 2006

not a trace of doubt in my mind...

"the only thing in this world i don't believe in is leprechauns" the oldest, so wise and still so beautifully naive, confessed to me yesterday. out of the blue, he laid down his life's gauntlet.

"why just leprechauns?" i replied, not really wanting to take on this challenge because, well, there's so much more not to believe in when you've passed the age of nine.

"because," he replied simply "who really believes little men run around rainbows with buckets of gold?"


which is why i kept my mouth shut about bigfoot, santa claus, the tooth fairy, space aliens, unicorns and the sense he has that i am perfect and all-knowing.

his commitment to his personal beliefs got me thinking about the things i believe in. of late i've been discouraged by the many things i've been having difficulty accepting (are you there god? it's me, d.) versus those i subscribe to. i don't know if my list is oversimplified or naive, nor do i know if it's solid for me from day to day. i do believe my jaded nature clouds some things (yeah, that would be god i'm talking about, for starters, followed by 'is tomorrow really such a better day?').

what i have tried to commit myself to includes:
  • accepting and cultivating the talents that lie within. i hesitate calling myself a writer because it sounds grandiose, but if i can write, then why not try? if you're good at something, why shy away from it rather than nurture it?
  • knowing that nurturing something means accepting failure as an option (be it writing, raising children or sustaining a relationship), and that standing up and trying again in the face of criticism has to be done.
  • holding onto a bit of the mystery. i think we lose ourselves when we're forced to accept all the harshness reality can have in store for us. i don't want to know the answers to all life's unknown, real or not. it's too daunting and not as fun.
  • that it's ok to get angry, and even more ok not to apologize for things that aren't your fault.
  • being kind to the wait staff and tipping well.

it's not a hard list, necessarily. i do believe the things i don't believe in are far greater, though. for example, i can't freaking believe that "how the grinch stole christmas" was on tv this weekend. it's barely november, for god's (if i could really believe in him) sake!

i think what i like most about the list is holding onto the bit of unknown. maybe it's ok to think that our abilities or talents can be credited to something greater than us (even though i question the reality of god, i've been known to thank him a time or two), or there really is a santa claus. he just has you doing his dirty work at toys 'r us some hectic saturday afternoon in mid-december.

i believe i'll keep telling myself that, anyway, if for no other reason than the fact that my son still believes in santa claus. and believe me, that, among other things, makes me as happy as a lephrechaun.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get jealous of people who seem so confident about what they believe, but then I know that I must appear that way to most people. So I wonder, is everybody like me? And would that be a good thing or a bad thing?

Monday, November 13, 2006 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

That seems like a good list. And one thing on your list stuck out: It IS okay to get angry once in awhile. Too many people go too far in both directions -- they either get worked up and violent way too easily, or they have no passion and are scared of offending someone.

And what's this about leprechauns not being real? Then who makes my Lucky Charms?

Monday, November 13, 2006 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

That is quite a list, I think giving yourself permission to be angry is good. But you don't believe in the toothfairy?

Monday, November 13, 2006 3:01:00 PM  
Blogger James Scolari said...

aliens? you bet... there's too much space for it to be empty.

and God? just because the christians have gotten every aspect of divinity totally wrong, doesn't mean divinity isn't real.

and magic does exist, too.

Monday, November 13, 2006 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I guess I will stop looking for the gold at the end of the rainbow now...hmmm :)

And, I'm really disappointed that your name is not Margaret ;)

And the whole tipping thing....why don't they just pay the waitstaff a decent wage and include the tip in the price of the meal....I could go on and on about tipping--like do you really need to tip when you get carryout, I know they expect it, but give me a break--I'll stop now, but really I could go on :)

And, I believe 99.999999% wholeheartedly that there is no God, but I love to say "Oh my God"; it's a fun thing to say if you ask me :)

Write on my dear, you sure can weave words together like fine fabric! :)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 2:05:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

FL - i get jealous of most people; however, i think the degree in which that manifests itself is such a 'female' thing. at least that's what my therapist loved to tell me.

FTN - i think the "leprechauns" who make your lucky charms are really old men standing around griping about making them. of cousre, at my house, that's what i think since my kids don't get the real deal. it's all 'you just wish you were lucky' cereal nuggets or 'here's your damn pot of gold, what else ya want, anyway, huh!?' if i buy it in the larger size generic bag. care to join us for breakfast? bring your red trunks, of course.

ed - i lost faith in the tooth fair when the dentist straddled the chair and told me 'this won't hurt' before breaking my wisdom teeth and cackling like a mad scientist. plus, the tooth fairy costs a lot more than i seem to remember...

b. frame - if magic truly exists, let me see what you can pull from your bag of tricks. anything up your sleeves?

nanette - ah, dear, sorry. my name is not margaret. it's deenie, and my teenage modeling career has been cut at the knees as i'm forced to wear this awful brace from hip to neck. sigh...when i get out of it, i'm going to go all the way with my boyfriend 'forever,' but 'then again, mahybe i won't'.

yeah, i get a little carried away...which makes me stand up and agree with you, i can give an 'oh my god' pretty well.

now hop on your unicorn and be off to look for that gold! just come back and tell me what you find!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 9:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want the answers to all the questions, I can't help it. But I don't think I will ever run out of questions :)

I don't believe in Santa but I do believe in God. It's the bible I question, constantly :)

Great list...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 10:42:00 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Great list. As for mystery, this is what I love about cosmology -- the more we learn about the cosmos, the more we find to inspire amazement and wonder, and the more we realize that there's so much more to discover! So I don't think you need to actively preserve mystery. Seek out what's really there, and it will inspire wonder in you. At least, that's my philosophy on life.

I'm all for tipping generously -- there are certain people who I always want to make happy, and at the top of that list are people who handle my food and people who care for my children.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 11:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice post, ADKOG

Tuesday, November 14, 2006 5:09:00 PM  

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