...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, January 22, 2007

...and you say "why?"

so he keeps asking me "why?"

"why? why do you think this is a good idea?"

"why is it important to you now?"

"why do you think i should just say 'ok!' when you only give me 'because' in response?"

"why is it so hard for you to come up with an answer to 'why?'"

good question. every single question this friend - this male friend with whom i share a history that involved entwined conversations, shared commitments and the naming of desired and forever unborn children - is as good as the one that preceded it when the topic of us meeting in the present comes up.

and i can't come up with a reason that clearly answers "why." i used to be a reporter. i know that question falls within the top five you always strive to answer in order to carve out your story. when my children ask me why the sky is blue, or why they have bellybuttons, why the titanic sank, why it's dark on one side of the world while we're bathed in light, or even why people have to die, i can answer them.

but i can't answer him.

i can't explain why meeting this person who once meant a great deal to me is something i think would be ok ("it's not," that ethereal creature on one side of me whispers. over and over again). i can't answer why i even tossed it out as an idea. ok, i can answer that. i threw it up in the air because i never expected it would be caught. never assumed he'd give the idea so much as a passing remark in response ("riiiigght," grins the nastier creature perched on the other side). in the grand scheme of my life, i've gotten on very well without having seen him for more than a decade. when we chat, our conversations are now neutral and seem to defy the rule that ex's can't be friends.

ok, really? we're probably not stellar examples of that whole "ex's rule" purely because we've not seen the other or talked in person in so very long. the rule hasn't been tested in harsh reality, under the lights of some restaurant or wherever some meeting would take place. so in this case, it merely remains a theory. a cute theme upon which movies are made.

we didn't end badly, necessarily. we just ended. now he's happy. i'm happy. meeting now wouldn't change that. yes. i've used that argument. my case for "why."

but it's silly, that reason. it could (potentially) only serve to complicate things. that's what he says.

and he's probably right. it's easier for us to come up with a laundry list of complications swirling around the idea of meeting than it is for us to decide it's something to do.

and that? that really is the answer to "why." why there won't be a meeting. why we've gone this long without one. why i don't relish complications.

because "why" doesn't always have an easy answer, but it's there even if you have to make one up.


Blogger Ben said...

Some questions are definitely best left unanswered.

Monday, January 22, 2007 10:37:00 PM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

Why are you scared about this meeting? Are you afraid it would be a success?

What if it were?

Yes, life is complicated, but it is never too complicated for joy.

And if it doesn't work out, then you will be secure in that knowledge, at least.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 12:24:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

You could always meet me... I may swing up that way one day... just for kicks...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 5:04:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

Complications are the other people in your lives. You know how I feel about honesty and all. But I caution you that we live our lives with too many regrets, don't make this one of them.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 6:28:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...


Tuesday, January 23, 2007 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

i have a friend like that - we talk online a bunch. we dated once or twice in high school, but never officially "went out" with each other. but i always knew of his feelings for me. he still has them. and even though we totally flirt online, i would never do anything about it. we see each other sometimes. and it's not really weird, cuz we know what the deal is. the only thing that has made it actually weird recently is that he is NOT happy in his current relationship. so, i know he actually flirts with more of a motive than i do. he always has. that aspect of it makes it hard to see each other a lot. in short, i know how you feel. sometimes it's better to leave the past in the past.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 11:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Complications are a pain but I have yet to find a way to avoid them. Avoiding them crates a different set of complications.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 11:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thin Ice

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 1:07:00 PM  

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