...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, January 15, 2007

wheel in the sky keeps on turnin'...

"do you care if i have her call some people, get something going on this since you haven't?" he asked.

"heh...i truly don't care," i replied, letting my friend know instantly what i should have weeks (cripes. more like months) ago when he asked me to arrange for additional help by calling people to have them fill in spots. i didn't think i could do this.

that's all i had to do. call people. i talk constantly. to myself. outloud to others. to the television. people who don't even talk to me. strangers passing me in their own cloned minivans. alerting people to my existence. trumpeting their victories. informing them of their wrongs (sometimes, depending on how you know me, that happens too much. sorry).

but i couldn't do this. i let it sit. i worried. i worked out scenarios to get out of this simple task. ultimately, i never picked up a telephone. even to call him and tell him i didn't want it.

"really? you don't care?" he countered.

"no. honestly. i have no feelings about it at all," i lied.

'really? you have no feelings? none at all?" he exclaimed. because he does that when he talks. exclaims. is boisterous. engulfs you in passion.

"no. i'm purely and completely void of feeling about anything," i said, convicted to such a degree he actually believed me to be.

"wow." he said.

"it's wonderful. you should try it sometime," i replied, selling it like some hokey informercial pitchman. "you float through life. an empty shell. totally 'i'm rubber and you're glue...' kind of thing."

and as he continued, i thought it might be nice to not feel sometimes. not care. not take responsibility. not step up. whatever the case may be. i've known people like that. i don't know that i've admired the quality so much, but they seem utterly calm and in control, at least on the surface, because, as my therapist was fond of telling me from time to time, "you don't have any idea what's going on inside their house."

and that part i can dig. the calm and in conrol chunk.

it's impossible for me to think i could be that way, though. i'm what personality tests label a "circle." very creative and free thinking, but worried that if you don't talk to me, i must have done something to you that has made you angry. i want everyone to be happy. there's no conflict in "perfect world," (which i'm probably carrying on my shoulders, btw) because i feel responsible for you and you and you.

oh, and you, too.

(trust me, i've not been above dissecting the demise of a decades-old friendship simply to find the wound i must have inflicted to cause it's death)

it's nice of you to offer to alleviate some of the weight of the world from me, truly it is, but i'm ok. you believe that, don't you? i so want you to. besides, if i asked you to help ease the load a bit, i'd be insane with worry for days (um...weeks. probably years. i'm silly like that) if you said you couldn't do it right now. if you flat-out said no, my job would then be to figure out what i could do to make you happy. not stop until i accomplished it. what weight do you need carried?

i want bluebirds to flutter around us in peace and love at all times.

as a circle, i'm supposed to be a good communicator. love to be involved in meetings ripe with creativity (that seems to be the only part of these assessments that gets me wrong. the only meetings i liked were the ones where we did these little personality tests. my creative streak would always attempt to see if i could change my outcome based upon my "this is so not me" answers. never worked. i kept on rolling). in case you missed it earlier, i couldn't even bring myself to want to call people and ask them a few simple questions. want to know why?

yep. that "no" part again. there may have been a "no" following my request. devastating for a circle.

some communicator.

it's silly, but it is, of course, who i am. i can be dynamic and assured. strong and open. all the traits characterized by those who are squares, triangles and squiggles (oh, to be a squiggle...). but mostly, i'm a rotating sphere of happy thoughts mingling with a few straggling bits of angst who don't wish to leave the party.

i am, however, making sure they like the music and have plenty to drink. because that's what i do. were i there, i'd probably be cleaning off your computer screen so you could absorb this new tidbit about me even clearer.

"you're kidding about having no feelings,' he joked. "right? seriously?"

"listen. remember the last time you called me and i started crying pretty much at 'hello'?" i said. "plus, it's gonna take me a few days to get beyond that whole 'since you didn't' comment that started this train of thought. i'm consumed by feelings, baby!"

i've got feelings rolling around inside me. they can't escape.

hope you're happy about that. i want you to be. no. i need you to be.

heh...this is where you talk to me now. click the 'comment' button. don't make me feel all weird now...

(yep. i know the title of this post kinda sucks. but it's that whole "wheel," "circle" and "turnin'" thing, you know. it's the glue that holds this masterpiece of great writing together. and two things...you probably at least hummed this journey classic to yourself a bit when you read it, and when i was younger, i was totally taken with steve perry. forever his, faithfully. i got past it. you will, too).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm a circle, too. Except for that creative part, lol. But here's my shoulder, because if you're unhappy, it's totally my fault and my job to fix it.

Monday, January 15, 2007 10:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what shape I am but I do know that sometimes I get so aware of myself that i could take the blame for global warming I hide it fairly well with an air of indifference and self confidence but that little voice keeps pleading , "I sure hope they like me"

Monday, January 15, 2007 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

It's quite possible to be calm and in control, yet still take responsibility and step up...

Monday, January 15, 2007 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'm more a dodecahedron.. but hey.. I likes me some circles... I'll bring the pink icing and we can have a shapes orgy....

Monday, January 15, 2007 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

I'm definitely not a circle, that shape is far too predictable. Nice post.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 1:06:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

I think you've nicely written out the exact reasons why I, um, I mean we would not mind becoming hermits. :)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 3:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is totally me.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 8:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

winter is here again a girl after my own heart :) I feel like FL most of the time and I am not sure if I hide it that well.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 12:37:00 PM  

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