...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, February 09, 2007

'the book of love is long and boring...'

i have no real strong opinions about valentine's day, but i do have a front row seat to the argument that it is a consumer-driven holiday. from what i've seen from the people shopping at the bookstore lately, the apparent hope is that february 14th will be a passionate little adventure, a day bathed in sex. lots of position of the day manuals, guides to getting it on, and sex coupons are being purchased this week.

i want to tell all the men and women (and it's an even mix so far) who come up to a register and plop down laura corn's "101 nights of grrreat sex" (those extra r's are there because you're apparently supposed to growl at your partner. it's so sexy.) to put their money away. it's not welcome at the store.

except management would frown upon that and honestly, i don't need the hassle of the "let's be good employees, ok?" talk.

i wish i could warn these shoppers that the $30 plus tax (less if you have a membership with us! management does like me to plug that every chance i get...) they're plunking down on that book has the potential to rapidly turn around and mock them. instead, i look for signs they have a conscientious nature. a willingness to go the distance.

"101 nights of grrreat sex" is a marathon, not a race.

my husband and i hit a wall about one and a half miles in after i purchased that book long ago and far away. today, that happy little tome is stuffed in an attache case buried in our bedroom closet. i want to warn the customers who select it and happily bring it to the register, all eager and giggly, to wait. just wait, because you'll see. "101 nights of grrreat sex" will end up shoved in a drawer or stashed in the back of a closet, never to see the light of day again until you're both dead and your loved ones are cleaning out your belongings and stumble upon it. it will be at that time they'll either recoil in horror at the idea of the now deceased once having sex, or sadly shake their heads at the fact that there are 100 of the 101 sexy, seductive secrets still encased in their sealed pages.

like what might happen at my house. i'm just saying.

we barely ripped any of those pages out. that inspiration business can get pricey. and honestly, i'm going to get the same sex with or without it. plus, i have two young children. some days i'll take whatever i can get as long as the discussion leading up to it doesn't revolve around what the kids did that day and my husband doesn't whine when i tell him he can't have a juice box.

honestly, i'd recommend ms. corn write a book for parents wanting to reconnect. it's not as sexy to take a bubble bath with your mate when one of you has to scrub the tub first and find a place to put the suave bubblegum scented, no tears shampoo and squeaky ducks.

or maybe it's just me who thinks so.

irregardless, if these people are intent on buying this book, i could hook them up on the cheap if they don't mind stopping by my house and store management doesn't get a whiff of my backroom dealings.

and maybe, just maybe i could get them to clean out my tub and hide the toy ducks so i could practice what the one slightly used book preaches!

and that would be grrreat...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh don't even get me started on this book. !!!!

I bought both "101 Nights Of Great Sex" and "Romance" for my husband for our 1st anniversary. That he got me no anniversary gift should have been my first sign. Since I bought those books, nearly 5 years ago, I have done 2 of the seductions, and he has done 2. That's it. (I'm thinking that ain't too bad from the successes I've heard.)

I tore out all the "For Her Eyes Only" and brought them to work becaues I couldn't wait to read them. I then read them all and put them in the order I wanted to do them. (I know.) My husband has not touched the book since 4 years ago and I don't think he even knows where it is. It ended up being a huge source of resentment (surprise!) and I cringe whenever I hear of someone buying it.

Bah, lovebug!

Friday, February 09, 2007 8:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, the whole Grrrreat thing conjured up images of Tony the Tiger for me and he doesn't present a very sexy image for me. I think the title itself would intimidate me. I mean what if I tried it all out and it turned into 101 frustrating and awkward nights of sex. I'll take your advice and save my money.

Friday, February 09, 2007 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Cat said...

LOL, I have to laugh at FL's comment. It would probably be me too "101 frustrating and awkward nights of sex." Now there is a book I could relate to...

Friday, February 09, 2007 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I feel your pain. Like you and Taja (sadly, we've commiserated about this book previously), we have a copy of this book sitting in a closet somewhere. Or a drawer. I'm not sure, because just last month I went to pull it back out, and I can't find it. It has completely disappeared. Or one of the kids found it and is now using it to draw and color VeggieTales figures.

I bought the book at a bookstore maybe 3-4 years ago. I had a baby with me when I bought it, so I'm surprised the salesperson didn't look down at me in my sad state and give me a discount. I was definitely more gung-ho than Autumn was about the book. We tried a few, but the vast majority involved certain things that, while they may have been quite enticing to me, just were not Autumn's cup o' tea.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna turn the house upside down until I find that stupid thing. Maybe one of the grrreat nights involves juice boxes.

Friday, February 09, 2007 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

I am working on that book Cat.

Chapter 1: By the time the bra came off I was already asleep....

anyway, brilliantly written as usual and i want a piece of that self-help book industry. Damn

Friday, February 09, 2007 1:38:00 PM  
Blogger April said...

it is SO not just you that thinks so. not at all.

'course now all i can think of is tony the tiger after the last words of your post. heh.

Friday, February 09, 2007 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Ha! Ya almost had me.. I was almost lured in.. I escaped your clutches before you could trick me into coming over and cleaning your bathtub...
101 nights of grrreat sex? No thanks...
The Kama Sutra baby!.... gimme some of dat Hindu love..

Friday, February 09, 2007 6:10:00 PM  
Blogger j said...

I too have a couple of Corn's books. And I like some of her ideas (For His Eyes Only pages). But I'm always dreaming of trying new things. My better half may not even be interested in trying some of the old things. Sigh.

I'd kill if she would try a few. She claims to have pulled out one page. It was something a bit pricey and she never went back. I take that as no interest.

Still, you'll see me browsing in that section. A bit of dreaming how it could or should be. I just don't actually buy anything anymore!

Friday, February 09, 2007 9:07:00 PM  
Blogger Cherrie said...

This is sad! Does everyone ten years into a marriage with kids find themselves stranded in this sexual desert, where sleep is more welcome that fulfilling your hottest desires? If any are left?

I remember what it was like when my daughters were little. We were very busy with ballet lessons and Girl Scouts, but we managed to keep up our lusty sex lives, and even fit in some outsiders. We can't be that far toward the top end of the couples' energy curve!

Saturday, February 10, 2007 12:11:00 AM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

A moment of silence please for all of Corn's books that are hidden somewhere in the marital abyss.

That should be good.

I too sadly have both of her books. The sex book has 1 page torn out by both me and Summer. The romance book has nothing ripped out. We bought the books in 97. They are now in the bottom of our bookshelf. Collecting dust.

At least I didn't get to see the sad look given to me by the clerk. I ordered both books through the mail.

Saturday, February 10, 2007 9:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been tempted to buy these books, but by the reviews I see perhaps it might not be worth it. Then again, anyone want to dontate? Just so I can fill a curious void? lol

Sunday, February 11, 2007 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Where does one find the bubblegum scented no tears? I can only find the cherry, grape, kiwi crap.....

Uh....if B&N only knew what we wanted.....

Monday, February 12, 2007 3:51:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

taja - i salute your passionate disdain for this book! ha! and yet i find it even more compelling that you ripped out all the assignments for the women and organized them. that *i* didn't do that is shocking! i tucked our copy away so i wouldn't resent it, i think!

finished - i believe i'm actually qualified to write a book titled 101 nights of frustrating and awkward sex. i'll start working on that tonight.

cat - care to coauthor? i'll at least give you a mention in the acknowledgement pages of the book!

ftn - had you come to my bookstore, and had i been working there, of course i'd have looked upon you with pity. actually, ok, i would think "wow, what a great guy. taking care of the baby AND wanting to keep the flame alive," but if it made you feel better, i'd have given some pity, too. and passed you a juice box.

ed - trust me. i have plenty of ideas for chapter 2...

april - welcome back! sorry about that tony the tiger thing. thinking about kellogg's cereal mascots rather than sex is a matter even this book can't help with!

savage - dear, you're an entirely different breed. why am i not surprised of your kama sutra fondness? of course, it's over the kama sutra that i find all the 12 year olds giggling in the bookstore...

j - oh, i'll still be browsing in that area, too. i just try not to break the bindings on any of the books i may buy so i can return them!

cherrie - i always love your input! it's not that we don't have sex, nor that we don't have "grrreat sex" from time to time. it's lucky we still connect, and sometimes those connections are quick, but maybe we're not at a place to branch out quite as far.

confused husband - i do my best not to give the shoppers that look of pity when they buy such things at the store. usually, i'm silently cheering them on inside!

terry - ha! that's a goog strategy! i'm thinking i need to try that, too. if only to save my money for the seduction ideas!

nanette - trust me. my kids have walked around post-bath smelling like a horrific, rotting fruit basket. they dig it, though.

and i'll put in a good word for us at b&n tonight!

Monday, February 12, 2007 10:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol I have that book - it's sitting, in fact, on the top shelf of the bookcase we just bought, ONLY because it's a book - and it hasn't been opened in the 10 years since I bought it. LOL

I TOTALLY agree about her writing something about parents reconnecting and keeping THAT - not rose petals and sonnets.

Monday, February 12, 2007 8:39:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home