...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, February 16, 2007

chapter one - story time for simians

every wednesday morning, my youngest son and i have a date at the library for preschool story time. the "oh so energetic she must not have any kids of her own yet" girl who leads the program lugs a huge stack of themed books in (seriously. how many kids books are there with elephants as the protagonist, and why in the hell am i not a children's book author? well, aside from the random swearing, but that's what an editor is for) and intersperses each story with an active little ditty that has us all waving our fingers and shaking our asses. which is fun when i'm in my kitchen or living room and the ipod has given me, oh, let's say "buffalo stance," but not so much when it's about monkeys jumping on a bed. i'd have me some monkey ass if, in reality, i came home and found that crap happening in my house. damn monkeys jumping around, falling off and getting hurt. no matter how many damn times i told them not to be jumping on the bed.

but i digress. and note that, in human form, this kind of behavior is already happening at my house. usually when i can't hear or see the simians because i'm in the kitchen in my buffalo stance (wearing padded bras, sipping beer through straws).

so we're several weeks into this story time date. i have to usually psyche myself up for it because, for one, it involves a weekly craft project. truth be told, despite rumors of candy grams and such, i'm not a crafty person. i do not own a glue stick. googly eyes scare me. you'd be lucky to find construction paper here.

but mostly, i have to pep talk it in the mirror because of one little boy who attends.

let me preface this little rant by saying no, my progeny are not perfect. there's no such thing. if there were, i'd have graduated from writing children's books to family and childcare guides and have my own talk show by now. however, when my children act up in public in a manner so utterly unacceptable, i'm aware of my role as a mother to sneak in and reinforce better options. short of that, we'll leave.

but this boy who causes me to dread date morning with my own son may not be getting similar guidance. well. ok. he's not. that fact is quite obvious as his mother sits oblivious to the fact that her son is tearing through the room and truly jumping over the other kids seated quietly on their carpet squares while OSESMNHAKOHOY girl reads them books. Sometime within his triathlon, he'll begin screaming out responses to the books. or derogatory comments to the librarian (a trait i find rich at the age of 5). all usually right about the time his hurdle jumping connects with some poor girl's head and that girl's mother shoots the death ray look at this little spider monkey's mom.

at which maybe she'll respond. if "now, honey..." whispered very quietly and without a lot of motivation is a response. more often than not, she's reading the newspaper.

last week, this boy set his sights on my son. fabulous. because my son is pulled into the orbit of happy people pretty easily, i kept him contained as soon as the potential for disaster looked like it could come up. and he listened to me. because honestly, for the most part, he knows that's what he's supposed to do and he knows how he's to behave when we're at the library.

he also knows he's not supposed to get within millimeters of another kid's face and start blowing raspberries and spitting directly toward their mouth or nose. which is what this other kid proceeded to do. to my son. when my son was simply sitting there, wanting to listen to the sixth story about elephants.

"now honey..." came the quiet whisper from his mother when (finally!), after the second serious spit bath prompted me to scoot my soon a bit further and say something all sing-songy like "we shouldn't share our germs with our friends!" to the other little boy.

of course, it didn't work. after the library visit, i couldn't wait to get my son home and disinfect his face and change his clothes. and of course, this weekend, he developed a nice, raspy cold. perfect.

so i took him to the library this past wednesday with my own goal in mind. a goal other than learning what trucks would say if they could talk (eight talking truck books?!). no. i was going to allow my son to unleash his glory on this other little boy because paybacks should be paved in kleenex and children's tylenol. but of course, the other little boy wasn't there.

it was the first time i've ever missed him. but i'll get over it soon because next wednesday will be here before you know it and the evil will return. i've no doubt.

now honey, it's time to go help my son hack up a lung.


Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well, DKG, let me be the first one here to nudge you (oh, so gently and encouragingly) toward your true vocation as an author of children's books.

Talking dolphins; I know you could do great things with talking dolphins. . . ;)

Thing is, how would I know it was you? You'd have to get somebody to use the word 'kickass' in one of the jacket blurbs (hmmmm; maybe not)

OK, to the topic at hand. . . This is probably why SAHF-hood has never caught on - too many dead kids. . .

Friday, February 16, 2007 9:58:00 AM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

i know the feeling. there is a particular little boy that irritates the shit out of my stepson. i wanna ring his neck. but then i'll turn around and he'll be like, "bye little buddy!" and all sweet to him. and that's how i know he's got issues at home, so i take pity on him. but seriously, yeah. stay the hell away from my kid!

oh, and btw, i tagged you.

Friday, February 16, 2007 1:16:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

You've made my blood boil, and I wasn't even there my dear! Just sits and reads the paper?!? Yes, I see this type on a daily basis--when I go out, that is.

And, I must admit...it took me about 15 seconds to figure out OSESMNHAKOHOY--I was doing my darndest to sound it out and everything! ;)

Friday, February 16, 2007 4:17:00 PM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Oh, jeez. That is beyond infuriating. What is with that woman?? Next time they show, don't limit your boy to blowing raspberries in that brat's face -- aim him toward the absent mom, too. See if a spit shower wakes her out of her reverie.

Friday, February 16, 2007 4:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is the very reason I actively encouraged my son to quit Boy Scouts. he is by no means perfect (he has been referred to as a loose cannon) but he was by far the best behaved one there and I was the only parent who said boo if there was any misbehavior. You need a license to buy a dog but any SOB can be a parent.

Friday, February 16, 2007 4:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very, very good post. Made my blood boil too and I have no muchkins.

Also, I am late to the game but... the below post. PLEASE tell me you are going to show your husband this. Or print it out if he does not know about your blog. You can't write something that sweet and not show it to him! You said it yourself, "We're not the best at saying it much..." You said it great here!!

Saturday, February 17, 2007 12:23:00 AM  
Blogger Fusion said...

Boy I see poor parenting all the time at my job. My store is in a mall with kiddie rides out in front of the entrance, and I see the interactions between parent and child all the time because of it. Unfortunatly I see more of the poor parenting these days than I used too.

Saturday, February 17, 2007 2:20:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

As an ex-library employee (can I say "recovering?"), let me just say... The vast majority of the people that come in think of the place as free child care. Let the kids roam free! Let them pull stacks of books down on top of each other!

As for storytime, I'm just surprised the mother stayed in the room at all. Why not just drop off your toddler and come back in an hour to pick him up? He'll be fine! He's five years old, what could he do?

Saturday, February 17, 2007 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'd have taught my kid how to use a "ridgehand" to the throat and to make it look like an accident.. considering I don't have any kids to teach this to I offer it up as a suggestion....

Saturday, February 17, 2007 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

desmond - i'm taking your recommendation under consideration. i could probably pull off a kid's book with a group of dolphins, swimming the oceans, looking for adenture, the main dolphin could have my name, since it starts with the same letter and would only make sense. and i'd be sure the illustrator would stick 'kick ass' in the clouds or waves subliminally!

youdamom - what you described also happens at story time. i feel mean and hateful even thinking what i think when the "nice stuff" happens, but then something happens, like, oh, tripping and spitting on purpose, and my charm is gone.

nanette - i *love* that you admit that you were trying to figure out my wheel of fortune thing there. affirming, once again, we'd totally get along. wonder what it costs to fly to utah these days...ha!

kelly - i feel like i didn't even adequately relay how apathetic this mom is. part of me thinks he must exhaust her or whatever, but the bigger part thinks these are "teaching moments" (as much as i hate that term and feel like i'm stepping on toes i'm not trying to).

finished - our oldest is in scouts. my husband is also a leader, so by osmosis, the kid has to be pretty well reigned in, but i've seen him in action sometimes and it's chaos. it's also why i don't attend the blue and gold banquets anymore. i can't do a roomful of elementary age boys and the deafening loudness and boy funk they put out!

princess - thank you for your visit! hope you'll come back. also, thank you for the kind words on the post below. he definitely got the information!

fusion - the bookstore i work in is part of a mall, and has a large children's department. rarely does an evening go by when i don't hear parents tell their kids "to go play" and they'll be back in an hour or so. i've seen some really young kids set free. i'm never not appalled. and then disgusted by what's often left behind to pick up after...

ftn - i don't even leave my kid to step out in the hallway to get a drink at storytime, so this letting them run free thing perplexes me. i see it constantly at the bookstore, coupled with parents who then walk out with their kids after two hours of desctrution and leave the chaos behind them. nice. and not how i play when i get to be a grown up out in public.

savage - here i am scribbling notes on your stealth and subtle defenses...

Sunday, February 18, 2007 10:03:00 PM  

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