...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, May 14, 2007

moral of the story: get your newtons at target

So my husband and I were splayed out on the couch Saturday night, doing what we do when we finally have time alone on a weekend to bring our raging libidos together to one precarious location.

Yep. We watched television. Because we're sexy like that. Well, and because we're way behind on Tivo'ed episodes of "Planet Earth," so we figured we'd
free our minds and the rest would follow.

So we tuned into the "Jungle" episode we'd started watching a few days earlier. Ah, look at the cute
gliding leaf frog! Oh, isn't it amazing the way the fungus grows! Goodness! Look at all that water the rain forest produces!

Yes, I was learning a ton. I've made no secret of the fact that much of my grown up smarts have been garnered from television. So I was freakin' shocked to discover these cute little male gliding leaf frogs essentially rape the females of the species as the unsuspecting divas try to work their way up a tree to reach the male frog they have chosen to mate with.

"I know it's the jungle, but good Lord!" I said to my husband, as the Discovery Channel crew spared no angle to show this act to me. "Leaf frogs are the jungle's gang lords!"

And I held onto that idea.

Until it was time for the chimpanzees.

Yeah! Chimpanzees! Adorable cousins of man! Teased with the idea of chimpanzees bouncing from tree to tree, eating figs and cleaning each other, I soon put aside the idea of those nasty leaf frogs and was grinning from ear to ear. Listen to them call out to each other! Oh, isn't it cute? That chimpanzee is so hungry he can stuff five figs in his mouth at one time! Isn't it all adorable? The jungle is so sweet!

Or is it? Sigourney Weaver, are you teasing me before the commercial break?

When we returned, we see that chimps are fond of sticking together in large groups, and like to maintain a hold on their territory so as to protect their supply of figs and such. No big deal. I completely understand. I've hidden bags of peanut M&M's away from my kids before. I'm on track with the chimps.

But then Sigourney tells us this colony of chimps is prepared to defend their territory from other chimps who've dared enter their turf, and I immediately sit upright, all tingly.

"OH!! They're totally going to go Jets and Sharks on each other!" I exclaim, excited once again to have the opportunity to toss in yet another reference to "West Side Story" as the larger chimps start circling their turf.

When the chimps' yelping and howling started in, I lost it with out of control laughter. "This is so much better than "West Side Story," I told my husband, perhaps punching him on the shoulder for emphasis. "This is freakin' 'Yo!
Ding Dong, man. Ding Dong. Ding Dong, yo,' in the jungle, baby!

"Back off me, man! Back off!" my husband tosses back (cementing yet another reason why I married this man).

Watching the chimps chase the intruding chimps out of their territory and exerting their power by slamming their head into tree trunks, I was near tears laughing as they got bad ass on each other. Tossing out Weird Al dialogue ("Is that what they teach you in that little sissy school of yours?" - me. "I've got more chins than Chinatown" - my husband) to enhance the soundtrack only added to the glee I felt.

And then...instant silence. Wiping away a tear that finally escaped and crossing my legs so as not to wet myself, I sat up, refocused and peered closer at the television.

"Hey...um...is that a little chimp head that bigger chimp is shaking in the air?" I asked my husband.

"Yes. Yes it is," Sigourney answered first.

"But...weren't we all just happy, fig eating primates a moment ago?" I asked, horrified as this gang of large male chimps tore into a poor baby chimp, glutton style.

"Yes," Sigourney confirmed, adding that while cannibalism isn't unusual in the animal kingdom, no one knows why a species would gang up on and then devour their own kind.

My respect for chimps, once questionable at best based on those who wear clothes or exhibit embarrassing behavior at the zoo (I'm talking to you, poop eating chimp), fell even lower.

"So, yeah," I say, my laughter cast aside along with my sadly immense knowledge of Weird Al videos. "Here's hoping the episode on forests is a bit tamer."

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Blogger The Savage said...

My zippers bust, my buckles break, I'm tooo much man for you to take....

La-la-la- lasagna, you want-a some-a lasagna magnifico or a-maybe spaghetti, Eh you suppah's a-ready now whaere-a you go, mamma mia bambino... mamma mia bambino.. s'mattah you, s'mattah you, s'mattah you...

And all the girls say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi

How come you're always such a fussy young man... don't want no cap'n crunch don't want no raisin bran...

There's a suitcase pokin' me in the ribs, there's an elbow in my ear, a smell old man's standin' next to me hasn't showered in a year....

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I look to my wife and realize that she's very plain...

A long long time ago.... in a galaxy far away Naboo was under and attack...

I met him in a swamp down in Degoba where is bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda....
S-O-D-A soda....

(And of course my favorite.... I use in reference to my first Ex.... not you at all...)
I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central station with my tongue.... than spend one more minute with you

Monday, May 14, 2007 6:05:00 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

That's the reason I never visit the chimps when we go to the zoo. They're right next to the gorillas, who I love and am a little obsessed with. But my back always stayes turned to those damn dirty chimps. Baby eaters.

Monday, May 14, 2007 7:28:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

And here I was waiting for some YouTube love more on the order of this.

Monday, May 14, 2007 8:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you ever imagine when you started your blog that you would have a post post featuring Weird Al and chimp cannibalism? Somehow you make it work.

kgualgqg (Oh baby yes!)

Monday, May 14, 2007 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

ya know...I never did like Sigourney Weaver..this just solidifies that for me.

Monday, May 14, 2007 1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...


Monday, May 14, 2007 3:43:00 PM  
Blogger George said...

Gloriously funny and well told ... except for the monkey snack part.

Monday, May 14, 2007 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Savage - I swear, were I not already taken, your vast knowledge of Weird Al lyrics would cause me to swoon. Of course, I'm not saying they didn't do so already.

Kelly - I can't begin to tell you how happy I am someone used the phrase damn dirty chimps! It was this close to being the title of this post!

FTN - I love that you and I keep it on the junior high level. What I don't love is that your link took me to more chimp attacks!

Well, and then there was some involving chimp fondling. I probably watched them, too. Damn dirty chimps...

But yeah for junior high humor! And BOOBS!

Because they seemed to be lacking here today...

Finished - I truly think the stars aligned and God may have smiled an extra wide grin upon me Saturday night to give me this kind of inspiration.

That or I'm just a twisted individual with dangerously too much time on her hands.

You decide!

Stacie - Sigourney has officially scared me now, what with her blase attitude about chimp cannibalism. Though I'll give her bad ass credit for Alien.

RS - You have been waiting for the day that I wrote about chimps so you could bust that video out, have you not?! And I dig how you didn't put it in HTML for my puzzled little brain!

Damn dirty Bare Naked Ladies!

George - Monkey Snack! Very nice!

Monday, May 14, 2007 11:43:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

Isn't nature just great?!

So that is what goes for quality together time in your house?

Monday, May 14, 2007 11:44:00 PM  
Blogger Confused Husband said...

Just had to throw this link in there for you. I'm sure this will make you love the chimps even more.

Monday, May 14, 2007 11:55:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Confused - Sliding in silently as I typed away!

Oh, we have other quality time matters. Sometimes we watch other shows! And talk about the kids a lot! Or about work! Don't be jealous, though. I'd feel bad if you were. Heh!

Ok, sometimes there's other things.

But I can't even think of those other things right now because all I can think is "GOOD GOD MAN! You had to send me that link?!"

However, after watching that nine seconds of mind altering science, I have to admit I'd have been happier had the Discovery Channel given me that. Though I probably would have wet myself laughing. It was already dangerously close before the carnage broke out!


You know...it's a damn shame that Weird Al doesn't have a video that includes a chimp...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 12:03:00 AM  

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