...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, January 18, 2008

and how was your day, luv?

Mine? Thanks for asking!

My day was shitty.

Actually shitty. Want to hear?

(Your head shaking says "no," but your eyes? Your gorgeous eyes say "yes!")

Number 1 - Within moments of arriving at the bookstore Thursday morning for yet another glorious and enviable shift in the children's department, I'm grabbed by a mother wanting a book to entice her toddler into potty training. "Isn't there some book about pooping? Like Where's The Poop? or Everyone Poops?" she inquired, actually giggling about using the word "poop" with another grownup. I suggested my personal favorite, Zoo Poo (interesting protagonist, compelling story, an unexpected twist in the second half, and "monkeys doo doo-ing right in front of you."). A variety of books at her disposal, the woman thanked me for my knowledge (I'm a regular Poo PhD., ladies and gentlemen!), and was on her way.

Number 2 (heh..."number 2"...snicker, snicker) - Shelving toddler board books, I'm having a delightful time, toiling through my day, when I round the shelves at the intersection of "Favorite Characters" and "Sound Stories" and am hit by a funk of such magnitude, I have to briefly wonder if I've triggered some type of sinister suburban warfare. Fearful the eight copies of "Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See?" ("I see a monkey doo doo-ing right in front of me!") won't be enough to protect me from the evil that awaits, I steel my resolve and peek around the shelves. And the evil? Crouched on the floor was a woman bent over her toddler charge, changing the most vile diaper I'd seen in my life. On the floor. In the children's department. Nice. In fact, I said that. "Niiiice." As in "It's nice you couldn't take that little jaunt to the ladies room and take care of that business there. Where there is a changing station. And trash cans meant for bathroom type items. But since you didn't, sure! Yes! I welcome you to throw that bundle of disgusting in the trash can right over there. There. Next to my computer. Where I can enjoy it all day. See you soon! The memory of your visit will linger! Before you go, can I interest you in a copy of "Everyone Poops"?"

Number 3 - At the little play area toiled a young boy and his mother. Mom was hyper perfect. The kind of mother I have a tendency to measure my own mothering skills against when I see how devoted and catering she is to her child. Then they start talking. "Mother, I believe it is time I go to the bathroom now," the boy, probably four years old, says. I'm momentarily jealous, thinking my kids would be all "Woo hoo! We're having fun. Check this out. We'll just go in our pants, like it's no big deal." Ideal Albeit Creepy Kid is very precise about his need to evacuate his system (I picked that "evacuate his system" thing from Ideal Albeit Creepy Mom). "Mother. I think now I have to poop. Before I did not need to poop. But now? Now I feel the need to poop." Vigilant Mom is all "Did I rush you before? Before, when you said you needed to just pee, and you peed, did you feel like you had to poop, but I only gave you the opportunity to pee?" (I swear to you, I am not making this conversation up! I was so taken by it, I grabbed a piece of paper and jotted it down as it went on). "You were in a bit of a hurry, Mother, but at that time, I did only feel like I had to pee. I did not then feel like I had to poop." "Oh, I knew I was rushing you! I shouldn't have rushed you! If I hadn't rushed you, you could have taken the time and pooped then." I could understand why he didn't feel he had to poop earlier. A mom this schedule focused likely caused him to clench up. Their scintillating conversation - which I quickly turned into the "How Many Times Can We Say Poop!" game - went on for 26 minutes, during which time I feared the child would poop on the floor of the play area, and the mother would scoop him up and scurry off, ninja style, and pretend he'd not just left us with a gift(this has happened, thank you very much, with a father and two toddlers sporting raging diapers of doom). The "say poop again" game ended at 28, btw. My money was on 34.

So that was my Thursday. It was, indeed, shitty. Four hours of work (phew, life's rough!) and that was the bulk (heh...'bulk'...) of my experience. Jealous?

And yep. I just wrote an entire post revolving around poop. Good job, me. Good job.

Seriously, though, how was your day?



Blogger Nanette said...

I'm surprised they spoke of poop and not feces given their whacked out speaking style, man. Oh mother, I need to release some feces into the loo.


Friday, January 18, 2008 2:58:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

There is nothing more interesting, in my opinion, than reading blog entries about pooping. Seriously. You have made my day!

Friday, January 18, 2008 7:31:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I knew a family who taught their kids to use the full-blown, proper medical terminology: "Mother, I need to urinate. . ." You haven't lived until you've had a three-year-old over to your house who comes to you saying, "Mr. Jones, I need to defecate. . ."

And, after your little aside on 'Number 2', I'm sorry, I'd already been pre-conditioned to screw up my face all amusing-question-like, 'Number 3???'

Friday, January 18, 2008 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

There's a whole poop post bouncing around in my head as well. (Ewww!) My autistic 7-year-old is experiencing "toileting regression issues" (i.e., he's been pooping his pants) and it takes up enough of my life to probably justify a post. Arrggh!

I am SO grossed out by the lady changing her kid on the floor instead of just going to the bathroom. YUCK!! I saw a lady do that at McDonalds. In the play area. On a table. Let me repeat that: ON A TABLE. Where people place their food. O.M.G. She claimed she "had to" because her other child wouldn't come out of the habitrail so they could all go to the bathroom.

We have a "May I be excused to the restroom in order to have a bowel movement?" child in my son's Sunday School class. Freaky. I suspect his mother is one of those who weighs his bowel movements in order to determine if he is obtaining optional nutrient value from his diet, so the kid holds it until Sunday School to avoid her.

Friday, January 18, 2008 8:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hard to decide which is funnier .... Different's diatribe of poop or Bunny's suggesting the kid holds his until Sunday to avoid a poop weigh station. My stomach hurts.....and NOT from needing to poop, thank you very much.

Friday, January 18, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...


What, you don't think this is interesting? Blogs were created to talk about 5 things, in order of importance:

1) Sex.
2) Poop.
3) What I ate for breakfast.
4) An in-depth analysis of my diet and exercise habits.
5) Conspiracy theories.

Oh, and "monkeys" comes in at a close #6. Higher if you write about monkeys having sex. Or pooping.

Friday, January 18, 2008 9:56:00 AM  
Blogger Kelly said...

Um, holy shit.

Speaking as the mother of two toddlers, I can't believe someone would change their kid's fully loaded diaper in the middle of an aisle in a bookstore. Gross, gross, gross.

Friday, January 18, 2008 1:19:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

I had a crappy day, but it wasn't nearly as shitty as yours was!


my hat is off to you girlie..

Friday, January 18, 2008 2:41:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I wish I could just write a post about poo instead of having to clean up blowout after blowout cause my kid ate broccoli and drank milk. Neither of which agree with him. I'll trade ya for a day?? I have much knowledge on the sacred poo!

Friday, January 18, 2008 4:58:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

dude, pull up a mother freakin' chair it's about to get real serious up in here.

first, woman walks in all wide legged, can barely make it down the hall...why you ask? because her mother freakin' bladder was blowin' out her crotch like a gadamn bullfrog.

then, old lady comes in for her annual. look, i'mma tell you right now-that little chat we had the other night-ha! no comparison. I do not want old lady vagina pubes. I refuse. I will shave my ginney til the cow jumps over the moon before I let this shit get so long [oh yes, i said long] that you have to pretty much bush whack your way through it just to get a speculum in there.

oh wait, it's not lunch time yet.

me and a girl i work with-her name is kim [love that name btw] we go to ruby tuesday's for their all you can salad bar and ruby mini burgers...good stuff...well we go back to work and kim rolls by my hall with her "i'm about to go blow some shit up" look on her face and I give her the "do your thang girl" look. i know that we all ya know...[poop-haha i said it too!] y'know?...i get that....but what happens next? i'm walkin by the bathroom and doc 1 who hates my guts goes strollin' by and into the bathroom and it's like someone opened the gates of hell cause the funk that rolls outta there---sheewwiee knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, and who does he look at? me. sonofabitch. like i did it.

after that, i sorta zoned out for the rest of the day and surfed the columbus dispatch for a new job.

i gotta get the fuck outta there before you find me sitting on a rooftop thinkin i can fly.

Friday, January 18, 2008 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

I've change pee diapers like that before, but I made it quick and stashed the diaper in my diaper bag. But, never ever a poopy one. Ewww.

What 4-yr-old calls their momma "mother". That's just creepy.

Friday, January 18, 2008 9:36:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Gruhoss! My brother (little) works at Borders and he said an older guy came in one day pulled his pants down in the middle of the store, took a dump, pulled his pants back up and just continued browsing! They (bosses) said "Rick go get some-" Rick said "you do not pay me ENOUGH money to clean this shit up!" walked away. Luckily he didn't get fired but YUCK!

Friday, January 18, 2008 10:18:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I am totally jealous of your job in the bookstore now. Nothing involving poop ever happens in my job and I feel like I'm really missing out.

Friday, January 18, 2008 11:59:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

go to YouTube and search Jeff Dunham Achmed
watch the video
it's so funny
although it does talk about farts, not poop

Sunday, January 20, 2008 4:08:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Oh, that fancy pants English talkin'. Had they done that I might have had to go get up in their business!


Chuck - I'm here for you, Chuck. Let me know what else I can do, especially on those days where it's clear I'm hurting for material!

Des - That seems so robotic. I mean, we taught the boys some 'proper' words, but if they told me they had to urinate, I'd be afraid I'd laugh. And you know what happens if there's too much laughing? Yep. Urinating the pants.

Bunny - Oh, I've been to "that" McDonald's, too. And when it happened, it was like the entire world fell silent while all of us in the place turned to give the table/diaper changing parent the "OMG!! WTF???" look.

Now I must go poke at my brain in hopes of eliminating that thought of weighing bowel movements...

Prom Queen - If poop can't be funny, I don't know what is!

FTN - Were it me, I'd bring monkeys up to a solid two. Around here, they sometimes fall in at number 1.

And now I'm disappointed I didn't think to go with the POOPS! as the title of this!

Kelly - Exactly!! That is what I thought. Everytime I hit that area of the department, I am haunted!

Stacie - Thank you, girlie! I love good hats!

Choppzs - First I read your comment and was jealous that you have a kid who will eat broccoli. Then I realized that there was no way I'd want to be dealing with the aftermath you are!

kimmy - Um. You win. You win like 100x over. I laughed, I cried.I may have learned something. Oh, you win.

wethyb - Wet diapers I could handle, in certain areas (not atop tables at McDonald's, though, because I'm never sure those tables are cleaned!), but yeah, you take the other stuff off premises!

Bee- Dear God in heaven. No. No. No. No. I am speechless. No. No. NO. This erases every "oh, hell no" issue that crops up in the women's bathroom that I have "pretended" not to see so I could escape having to deal with it.

Michael - Who knew bookstores could be such poopfests, eh?

1blueshi1 - Ha! My husband is a fan of this guy. And fart jokes? They always sell!

Monday, January 21, 2008 8:36:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

On Saturday there was a mother changing her toddler on the floor of THE CHURCH. In the actual sanctuary, right there on their pretty wood floors. There were facilities right outside of the vestibule, but apparently that wasn't convenient enough.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I am still hearing the conversation in my head the way I can only imagine as utterly mind blowing. As a mother of a 5 year old, should he ever call me mother, I may drop. Because the most proper thing that comes out of my childrens mouth's is "I dont know".

Ok, not really, but it sure seems like it! Actually, I think I would be offended by the word "mother" coming from my childrens mouths. Kind of like me calling them all their names dang it anyway!

I am sorry, I may still be 15 at heart, but I cant help but beller "oh.my.god.really?" when I walk by one of those "that wasnt me" people whilst shopping for items like tp, and toilet bowl cleaner. Although usually it isnt them, because if I am shopping with my family, I can almost guarantee it was my husband...


I cant get enough of your wit!


Wednesday, January 23, 2008 10:21:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Therese - Ok, changing diapers IN church? No. NO. No. I didn't mean to yell there in the middle, but no. I don't get people.

justlori2day - If my kids ever refer to me as "Mother," I have to pause a moment, look around the house and then squint at the kids to be sure they are, in fact, mine and not some others who snuck into my house and tied my own kids up and hid them in their closets!

Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:01:00 PM  

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