...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

gettin' my britches in a bunch

"So...anything you want to tell me?" I asked my Tool Man as I emerged from the laundry room, my arm extended for miles in front of me, my fingers pinched around a bouquet comprised of several pair of men's Hanes underwear in subtle shades of black, blue, and gray.

For the record, Tool Man - who I predict would be superdedupity happy to know you all know this - is a tighty whitey drawer wearin' man. He is not, nor has he ever been - except maybe in his Underoo sporting days - a colored drawer donner.

As if he was telling me something as boring as the weather outside, Tool Man glanced at the briefs, then at me, and responded.

"They're my Dad's."

Those briefs that were in my hand? Yep. Before the word "Dad" was even fully out of Tool Man's mouth, they were on the floor. Like they'd spontaneously combusted. Then I wanted my hand to catch on fire because I'd JUST BEEN TOUCHING MY FATHER-IN-LAW'S UNDERWEAR!

"What's the problem?" Tool Man asked. "It's not like they've been worn."

Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, these underwear had most definitely been worn. Perhaps several time. At least (although I didn't check for evidence, and you know what I'm talking about so don't pretend you don't!), the nubby, faded nature of the soft cotton sure made it seem they'd been washed several times.

It bears repeating here that I have no beef with briefs. As Tricia Thongs, lead singer of the imaginary multi-platinum selling band Penchant for Panties, I'm what can be described - in a purely non-pornographic fashion - a panty lover, a fact cemented by how I like to show them off. However, I like to slip into undergarments I purchase for myself. I am not a fan of the hand-me-down panty. You'd see how true this fact is when we shopped together at Goodwill and you saw me make the "EWWW!" face at the display of undies hanging near the used housewares items. In theory, I know they're clean. In reality, they once weren't.

On the other hand, Tool Man apparently has no problem at all with the gently used man panties, and in a move he described as being "fiscally responsible," he heartily agreed to accept his Dad's maybe used/maybe not underwear when his Mom offered them to him last weekend.

Let's me break this down for you:
  • Tool Man, who is rapidly approaching 40 years of age, let his Mom pick out his underwear.
  • To bolster our family's economic stimulus package, he's willing to put his package where another package may have dwelled.

I should be proud of him. I should have nothing but the utmost respect for him and how he wants to be sure his family is taken care of financially. Done and done. But this underwear swapping business is probably more than I can deal with. When I'm feeling a little frisky and want to get into his pants, I don't want to be bringing things to (Jesus, stop me...) a head, only to glance down and discover I've got my hands on my father-in-law's Hanes. And no matter how I try to train my thoughts, they will ALWAYS be my father-in-law's former underwear.

I tried to explain this to Tool Man. I even went so far as to try and find information about how no one wears used underwear. However, you try doing a Google search for "used underwear," my friends. Yeah. It seems there's a lot of love out there for used undies.

Sensing a degree of my unwillingness to work with these manties, Tool Man eventually got up and retrieved the non-combustible drawers from the floor and returned them to the laundry room for me to eventually wash and put in his actual drawers. But (Ha! Make that 'butt') I'm sorry, I just don't know that I'll be able to do that for him, and believe me, I've caved on A LOT of things when it comes to this man.


Some second hands need more of a second thought.



Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

"Well gosh, honey. I don't know what happened to those briefs. The last I saw them they were next to that goat who was wandering around the neighborho....oh, I think I solved the mystery! Aren't you proud of me?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 12:50:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I'm with you here, no matter how fiscally responsible it may be- I'm not interested in packaging my package in someone's used packaging.

No need for a goat, either, just have 'em disappear. Chances are good he's not going to notice anyway.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 6:48:00 AM  
Blogger David said...

I'm glad I'm not alone in my thinking. there is no way my package could ever don the wear of another mans

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 6:51:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

Ha! You're making everybody's stimulous package cringe!
I had to buy my hubs new underwear when we first got married and I 86d his tighty whiteys. He was upset at first but when he saw how much action he was getting with the new ones I bought him, he let go of all of his anger.

The action he was getting? From me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 7:13:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

*shudder* I'll bet you could make a fortune eBaying those used manties. Stimulus package all the way around :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 8:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, i would have dropped those in a second myself, Diff Gal!! too funny. and i think you have coined the term, "manties". you rock, gurrrl. :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

They have to make a special XXL pouch in underwear to fit MY immense stimulus package.

Sorry. I'm not sure why I just wrote that. It slipped out.

(That's what she said.)

Anywho, my Mom gave me a pair of my Dad's boxers once. I think I still have them. Used boxers don't seem quite as bad. They are a lovely shade of blue with some black trim. You'd totally dig them.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 9:31:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

When I was in college, a buddy's dad died, and a couple weeks later, he came to me with a pile of his late dad's nicely-laundered briefs, wondering if they might fit me, since I was of a, uh, somewhat larger size, and so was his dad.

They fit just fine, and so they became a very un-noteworthy part of my daily underwear collection. For which I was grateful, since it meant I had to do my laundry that much less often. . .

And, just for the sake of sayin' so, I've never understood the whole 'boxers are better for your sperm count' thing. I mean, if I wore boxers, would I have, like, twelve kids?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 9:38:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

I cannot stop laughing. I'm not sure if it was "manties" or you bringing things to a head in your father in laws drawers. either way...can't stop lauging.

You slay me!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 10:07:00 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

It is possible to be too frugal... I believe this is just such a case. Just say NO to used underwear. Friends don't let friends wear previously-worn briefs!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

Jim is a weekday TW man, but a weekend manties kind of guy. He has to let the "guys" breath ya know! And being a truck driver is not easy on the "guys". We cant call them "boys" in our house, its a personal thing ya know! And they say size doesn't matter! We actually just had this conversation I believe last week...

J: Hon-e, JJ has "boys", I have "guys"
Me: I didnt know there was a difference (I knew, I just wanted to get a good reaction!).

Im with ya about the used underwears! For as freaked as I am about wearing the same pair for more than 12 hours, Jim is even more freaked - I dont think he wears the same pair for more than 12 minutes! The man showers every time he gets out of bed (even after nap) and before he goes to bed at night.

Maybe mine could teach yours something about britches as payment for tools double E training!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 10:25:00 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

Just let him know that the underwear is going to keep you out of the mood. They should be gone pretty soon afterwards.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 11:25:00 AM  
Blogger Rae said...

Crack me up! Some things just aren't hand-me-down material.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 12:50:00 PM  
Blogger The Maid said...

Okay...so I think we share a father-in-law.

My hubby has brought home the hand me down briefs before...but thankfully...it was only to giggle about it. Apparently we share the "I'm not putting my boys in his hammock" gene.

:) LOL

Too funny...
Glad to know we are not the only ones who face every day wierdness.

The Maid

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 3:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh so funny! That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

I am in total agreement with you, there are somethings that are not to be handed down and boxers/briefs/manties/panties are one of those things.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

How cool is it that I can type *FADKOG* into a search engine and your blog is the first to pop up?

You should add it to Urban Dictionary, I'd thumbs up you.

(In a non dirty way.)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

y'know, I do love me some Goodwill, but I have to avert my eyes when walking past the underwaer. I don't do the shoes, either...

I'm pretty sure Budman would not accept hand-me-down underwear... Earlier this year we had to give Possum a hard time about someone else accidentally wearing his gym shorts by mistake, and then he wore them the next day without bringing them home to wash - YIKES! (I could hardly type that just now. Shudder...)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 4:26:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Um, if I may say....eeeeeewwww!

Now I'm not against hand me down underwear - I could see a hand-me-down bra. And I think I could almost manage to get over used boxers. But some how tighty whities or the "manties" take it a bit too far.

There's stuff that happens in underwear that just shouldn't be shared.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 4:45:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

My husband actually wore a pair of MY dad's underwear once. We got snowed in at my parents' and unexpectedly spent the night. I had clothes there (never mind I moved out for good more than 10 years earlier - I still had clean undies at my mom's!), but Spousehole did not. I suggested he go commando until I could get a load of laundry completed, but instead he asked my dad if he could "borrow" some underwear. Dad said sure and Spousehole squeezed his size 36 butt into Dad's size 34s (I inspected for holes and stains first - they appeared to be pretty new). I didn't want Dad-panties around our house long and returned them to my parents' house, where my mother confirms they were returned to the duty roster (tee hee - I said doody).

Maybe it's a guy thing, the undie-borrowing.

(I was shocked that someone bought my nursing bras on Ebay. Granted, I never actually used them while lactating because my boobs didn't feel like making milk once the baby was born, but still. Eww.)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 6:21:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

omg. all i can envision is skid marks from the old guy. blech.
i'm pukin' in my mouth here.

and you know what-reading bunny's comment made my stomach all warm.

i mean who wears another mans undies? and who wears another woman's nursing bras?

come on people. enough already i'm scik here.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 6:28:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Touch-typing here. Your awesomely funny and descriptive post just made me go hysterically blind at the thought of... (shudders)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 6:33:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Desmond not only wore hand-me-down underwear, but the underwear of a dead person? Spooky.

My Mom recently gave me some "feminine products" because she has finished her "change of life." That was kind of weird to me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 8:40:00 PM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

ICKO - used undies are wrong in so many ways but used undies from your daddy?

Just too odd.

Hallie :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 8:45:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm one of the cheapest people you'll find. I buy most of my clothing at yard sales, Goodwill, and consignment stores. But even I draw the line at underwear (and socks).

That's gross.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 10:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm with Chag. Sharing is nice (or so I tell my kids), but this just makes me all kinds of uncomfortable. Seriously. Nestling my unspeakables where others have nestled (and... urk... sweated) before?


Thursday, June 19, 2008 5:16:00 AM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

OK - this made me LAUGH my ASS off. Used underwear...mommy issues...Google searches. Seriously, I wanna party at your house.

Thursday, June 19, 2008 5:24:00 AM  
Blogger Roland Hulme said...

Woah. you don't go commando in another man's fatiques.

Thursday, June 19, 2008 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

(I'm too grossed out to come up with a clever comment.....)

Thursday, June 19, 2008 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Um... seriously yucky!

No offense, and even if it's keepin' it in the family, that's just down right wrong!

Thursday, June 19, 2008 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BP Dad - You, sir, are ingenious! I was going to stage an elaborate fire in our laundry room, but this goat idea is the tops! Now...get goat, ply goat, figure out how to dump goat...

Sailor - They're leaving my house as soon as possible. I can't "lose" them in the trash just yet, for the acquisition is still too fresh. The husband is very keen on what I throw away!

David - I had figured this was a general rule for all humans, but I must have married the one kink in the cog!

Bee - I've been fighting the tighties for my entire marriage. Tell him I'm not down with buying him the big boy undies, but it's what he seems to like. Claims he gets the action in them. Pfft!

Biscuit - If I could make enough to buy someting decadent for myself (and I have a very big list...), I'd almost consider getting an eBay post up today!

katie - I am losing those manties as fast as I can feasibly lose them!

ftn - I like it better when your huge stimulus package thuds out more than slips. Thuds so hard (that's what she said) that it makes the ground under my feet shake. I also like to think of you always in your boxers. I am right now, in fact. Thanks...

Des - As much as I dislike doing laundry, and I dislike it with the burning heat of a thousand suns, I am pretty sure I'd put the kabosh on wearing the undies of a dead person. The good thing is they could have been disposed of (the undies, not the dead person) without the giving party knowing. Unless they (the giving part, not the dead person) was forever wanting to get into my pants, and wow, that problem exhausts me!

But not so much that I couldn't do that hateful laundry!

Stacie - I am clearly not too proud to call out my husband's drawers and other allusions to his manliness. If it garners a laugh, I'm cool with that!

Michael - Amen! But as luck would have it, I married a man who tries believes in pinching pennies until they squeal. I draw the line at pinching dimes. And also at gently used underwear!

justlori - Your husband is very keen on the cleanliness, isn't he?! That's impressive. I'll tell you what. We can do this tool time double entrendre lesson if he'd be willing to teach my sons the benefits of regular bathing!

Mike - That would probably work, but my husband is so damn cute I can't keep myself off of him. My only recourse is "losing" the hand me downs myself!

Rae - Amen! And feel free to de-lurk more often!

Becky - I should have figured this was an issue with my husband and his family from the very beginning, because my MIL has been known to wear my FIL's old man jeans. The king and queen of frugrality!

Chex - I didn't even hand me down my son's underwear when the oldest outgrew his. I'm teaching them to be good consumers, and keep this country afloat with new underwear!

Bee - How cool is it? It is TOTALLY cool! Also, I'd have been freaked a bit if there was some real FADKOG thing out there. You can thumbs up me anytime!

Melody - Gymn shorts are gross enough without wearing the ones someone wore the day prior. Blech!

Mandy - I haven't ever considered a hand-me-down bra. I'm so hard on my bras as it is that I don't know if I could do justice to a hand me down!

Bunny - Maybe it's a bonding thing between some men. Like blood brothers, only it's ball brothers!

kimmy - I think only people who want to be ball brothers. There are two things for sure I know I can't do in this life. I can't pee anywhere but on a toilet, and I can't fathom wearing another person's underwear. I would rock it commando until I could dash home! When the world ends, I hope I have an extra pair of undies and am close to a bathroom.

That Girl - I think I'm totally in love with you. Maybe it's because it's because you're that girl and i'm a different kind of girl, but I think we're kindred!

Therese - I know, right! What if those dead person underwear had been harboring the dead person's spirit and he had a message he wanted to share with his loved one? Or it was a scary spirit, like "Poltergeist"? Come into the light, Carol Anne, indeed...

WWoW - I know! And taking the hand me down dad drawers from your mom is even moreso!

Chag - I am the third cheapest person I know, and I will never wear underwear that didn't come factory sealed. I also won't use your brush or borrow your Chapstick. The world needs standards!

Twobusy - I just hope there is never a NickJr. program touting the benefits of sharing EVERYTHING, including underwear, or else my husband will flaunt that at me.

Manager Mom - Bring something hard to drink, I'll have snacks, I might profess love and perhaps cry. It'll be a good party!

Roland - I'd have assumed that was a Man Rule that would have been tattooed on every man's brain. My husband must have seen something shiny and distracting the day that was mandated!

Cocotte - I was almost too grossed out to write the post!

Mandy - Ha! No offense taken, and family is good in doses, not drawers!

Thursday, June 19, 2008 2:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear god, men are weird. Who wants to wear used drawers? REALLY?!?

And I absolutely LOVED how you described dropping the things as soon as he said they were his dad's. 'Cause I actually gasped and thought "DROP THEM! DROP THEM NOW! BEFORE YOUR HAND FALLS OFF!"

Thursday, June 19, 2008 2:43:00 PM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

ew. like, what?!?!

i always have to hold back a gag when i'm in goodwill and i see underwear on hangers. underwear!!! omg.

Thursday, June 19, 2008 2:46:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Well, at least they were colored and not white, cause then you would never have known the difference!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008 3:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never thought underwear could cause so many and different reactions. What you lived and what we are opining, you may laugh but I'm thinking how many just want to cry too.

Thursday, June 19, 2008 8:39:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Meg - I think I heard the screams of a thousand tortured souls telling me to drop the drawers before they unleashed some hideous curse upon me!

you da mom! - The first time I saw the underwear at the Goodwill, all hanging (hanging?!) on their own hanger, I was rendered speechless. Then I thought it was a joke. My friend assured me it was completely not a joke!

Phyllis - The bright spot in this story is the color coded nature of the drawers. I imagine the dark pantina will make it easier to hide them in the trash this weekend!

GW - I imagine, indeed, that dark clouds can lurk behind these dark drawers.

Friday, June 20, 2008 12:01:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

You are on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 20, 2008 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Lori - Ha! That was easy!

Sunday, June 22, 2008 11:37:00 PM  

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