...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, August 01, 2008

it's apparently fun to stay at the hol-i-day inn

So my Tool Man has been gone working in parts unknown (Or maybe it's just Omaha. It's been so long I've forgotten both his destination and what he looks like. Sort of. I mean, I think he has a goatee...) this week, which means that while he's working super hard at his one job, I've been getting up at the ass crack of dawn (7 a.m. counts as ass cracking, yeah? Well, it does when Twitter is all "Hey, baby, just one more drink and then I'll take you home. Maybe you'll give me your number of somethin', yeah? Oh, Mommy, you are fiiiinnnneee...." until like 2 a.m., on a weekday, but whatever OK? Whatever) and busting my various lady lumps with the equivalent of at least five.

Sometimes 14 1/2!

But who's counting.

Except me.


Yeah. I totally am.

P.S. I love that Tool Man. At least the one with the goatee.

So anyway, a typical day around here involves the care and feeding of two kids with hollow legs and one dog that isn't even mine; lamenting yet another trip to the grocery store - sometimes at 9:30 p.m.; fielding an array of telephone calls - mostly from those wishing to offer me goods and services, but with an occasional friendly voice (hello, my sweet kimmyk!); hurdling the basket of folded clothes that has been in the living room for (cough) a week and is currently flanked by it's evil twin, Basket of Unfolded Undies and Socks, Bwahahahaha!; making childcare arrangements for those evenings when, after a full day of working and entertaining at home, I must then go work at the bookstore; serving as cruise director, doctor, stand up comedian, etc., etc.

Yes, I like it, people, but for the love of goatees, I am frickin' tired! I have nothing but gigantic kudos blazing in lights and multi-colored glitter for people who pull off the single parenting thing full time.

So Thursday night, after a full day of tasks and treasures around the house, a shift in the children's department at the store (sidebar - I will willingly take a punch in the face from anyone if it meant I'd not have to work in the kid's department anymore, btw. I love kids. I love my kids, and I'd probably love your kids. But strangers' kids? They're not as cute), and fetching my kids from my Mom's (which is an experience that requires steeling myself for some interesting self esteem jabs lately, which wtf, Mom?), we return home around 10 p.m., uncage the loaner dog and access the damage of that which I still must get done before thinking about going to bed. All while the kids are exploding through the house and that annoying Zac and Cody show blares in the background and the dog attempts to hump my leg.

Which, yeah, thanks for that, Dog, because it's been awhile AND my self esteem wasn't already a bit dinged after that second trip to my Mom's.

At 10:30 p.m., the phone rings. I rinse the Comet from my hands, knock the Windex and paper towels off the counter, send a million papers (Yes. A million!) scattering across the room, and reach the phone before it can kick to voice mail. Breathless because I know my Tool Man is on the other end AND because I am frickin' tired and cleaning (cleaning!) at 10:30 p.m., on a Thursday night while chaos is erupting around me, I say hello.

"Hey," Tool Man responds, all cool like he's some thug from a 1950s movie. "What are you doing?"

What am I doing? Well, my friends, I ran through the list of all the things I was still doing last night, after the full day of tasks I'd already completed, which was just a small chunk considering all that had been going on here during the previous four days. And you should know that I worked very hard at not making it sound all bitchy and whiny because I know quite well that he, too, works super hard and brings in the bulk of our lavish 4-figure income each month, which is something I thank him for at almost every turn.

So I save my whining for you, my Friends o' The Internets!. You're welcome!

Back to the call. I've finally taken a breath, let the kids talk to their dad (at which time I scrubbed one toilet and a sink!), then got back on the phone, hoping to hear some loving talk from the one with the goatee.

"Well, it's been a tough day, baby," he says.

Thinking he was referring to MY day, I respond with, "I know! It really has been. I'm pretty tired, but there's a few more things I need to do to get done so I can then run a bunch of errands tomorrow, blah, blah, blah..."


Coming out of the haze imposed by the various cleaning agents I've had at my employ, I realize Tool Man wasn't, in fact, referring to MY day. This becomes really clear when he tells me that he's been working hard all week (at his ONE job!) too, yet getting his tasks done early enough to then go out and enjoy a nice dinner and return to the hotel to watch some high brow cable programming.

"Oh, and then I usually soak for an hour or more in the giant whirlpool that's in my suite," he added.



Soak for an hour or more!

It was then my turn for silence. "Are you done talking?" Tool Man asks.

"Yeah, listen, I think so. I'm pretty tired. Been doing lots of stuff. Lots more to do. Kids. Dog. Paperwork. Still need to eat dinner. It's' after 10:30 p.m., blah, blah, blah again..." I say. My teeth, you ask? Perhaps gritted. But in a grin, so I sound all nice and professional.

"OK, well, I guess I'll say goodnight. I'm gonna go soak again, then sleep like a log..."

I trust he did. Me? I went and soaked my hands in the upstairs bathroom. In the toilet. While I was cleaning them.

(I include this musical tribute from the great Bryan Adams because everything I do, I absolutely do for my Tool Man. Or other awesome goateed people. There's no love like our love...)



Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

Wow. Yeah. Um.

"Hey Honey, have you missed us? Do you think of me when you are soaking in that there hot tub and wonder what I am doing right at that moment? Do you now have the desire to race home sweep me into your arms and say, no worries FAD, I will scrub the pots and pissers while you go soak in that new bathroom spa (remember that spa?) that I built for you while you were at the bookstore. I miss you."

Not so much you say? Well that is what I envision would have made you a happier single mom for the week! Enjoy the peace of the weekend alone (gasp!).

So, J & J are going to the cities for one more Day Out With Thomas, and he wants me to come up tonight and stay at a hotel and then bring J home tomorrow - Im kinda liking the idea of having a day all alone, to myself.

What would FAD do??? hehehehe

I could grab a blender and some obnoxious blendables and come south - hehehehe

Friday, August 01, 2008 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I was reading your blog when your comment to me popped up! We're in sync!!

We rock and I'm sure we are both really cool - except you are 40 and I'm in my 30's!!

Hallie :)

Friday, August 01, 2008 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I have actually had days like that,and then when my husband called and was all, "What are you wearing?"

I responded with, "Your son's dinner."

Will I burn in hell for responding with the truth to the source of the burning of my loins? Probably. But who can be all,"Nothing but a smile and a big red bow" when you're covered in rice cereal and pulverized carrots?

Friday, August 01, 2008 9:29:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Halfway through your post, I had to stop reading and quickly go make this in MS Paint.

Congratulations, you win.

And speaking for awesome goateed people everywhere, we thank you for your dedication to cleaning toilets.

And speaking for horny dogs everywhere, we thank you for the use of your leg.

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:05:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

(I 'heart' you, Numby. That's going to be printed off, laminated, kissed, clutched to my breast in a swaying spin around my living room to the music I hear only in my head, and then used as a bookmark. Forever. And ever. Like my heart for you!)

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

Oh, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt...

Hope your days get a little better soon!!!

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

And no other could give more love, baby.

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Michael said...

Just look at all your hard work as an investment... an investment that will pay dividends when the TM returns home and you inform him that you and your posse are hitting the road for a little vacation from your normal domestic bliss.

I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Its hard for him to look into your eyes when your head is in the toilet.

But its gotta be worth tryin for.

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

I've been soakin my hands in that same bowl. Well, you know what I mean. Hang in there, sweety!

Friday, August 01, 2008 1:00:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

That reminds me, it's August now, so I must give my bathroom it's monthly clean...

Friday, August 01, 2008 1:13:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

You wouldn't have to clean my toilets. I'd hump your leg for free.

Rest easy, girl, rest easy.

Friday, August 01, 2008 1:46:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

My husband used to call when out of town on business and try to act all, "the hotel is just ok" and "we went to a nice restaurant, but my steak/lobster tail was just so-so." Then the credit card statements would arrive and I'd see the "OK hotel" was $300/night. He now admits he just didn't want me to feel bad.

Friday, August 01, 2008 2:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And I thought I knew how to multi-task. Damn, woman, you are insane!

I give you credit for not murdering your husband. If you feel like it, I'll absolutely be your alibi.

Friday, August 01, 2008 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger San Diego Momma said...

Your days sound just like mine. I always tell my husband I'd trade jobs for a few weeks, so we could both fully appreciate what the other does.

So far, no takers. But at least it's on the table.

Friday, August 01, 2008 4:44:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

which is an experience that requires steeling myself for some interesting self esteem jabs lately, which wtf, Mom?

Some Mom's just got that gift, ya know what I mean?

RS gets to enjoy some pretty fine meals and rooms when he's away. He whines, but I know its just so I don't feel bad.

Friday, August 01, 2008 4:52:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Good song....

I lust you!

Friday, August 01, 2008 5:04:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i'm sure your hubs misses ya somethin fierce. but just think-you're not pickin up his britches! and uh...you get all the bed.....and the blankets!!!!

i'mma send jamie off somewhere. you got it made.

always great talkin to ya!

Friday, August 01, 2008 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

Your mom..my mom..we hook them up and see who's self esteem goes up in flames first.

She was responsible for my first presciption of xanax. True story.

And I loved your label. Classic!

Friday, August 01, 2008 8:34:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Mine waits for me to stop talking, sighs, then proceeds to one up mt bad. If I start digging chicks? He'll be why!

Friday, August 01, 2008 10:55:00 PM  
Blogger Trooper Thorn said...

Sorry if my postings causes spit takes. Sounds like you can't risk becoming dehydrated with all that on your hands.

Hubby doesn't really soak in the tub does he? Does he?

I'm glad someone else can't stand those f'n Zak 'n Cody Twins. I'd rather my kids watch Abu Ghraib videos.

Saturday, August 02, 2008 2:24:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

I hear you, Sista!!! I've been doing the de-facto single mom thing now for three months while my hub is working in the state to which we are moving. I hate when he wants to compare bad days and then has the nerve to bitch about the server at lunch being slow to bring the check and having to wait for a table at dinner, then his roommate's cat wants to be petted as soon as he walks in the door. Yeah, poor baby.

To make it worse, he's been down there three months and when I go down to look at houses and stuff, HE HASN'T DONE ONE THING TOWARD FINDING US A PLACE TO LIVE. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. He hasn't checked out communities, neighborhoods, schools, doesn't even have a list of houses for me to see - he's done NOTHING. He figured I, with my copious free time, would have done that on the innernetz and all he would have to do is drive.

I also hate Zac and Cody. Give me Drake and Josh anyday over those two. (But now Josh is playing a drug dealer in The Wackness with Ben Kingsley - what's up with that?!?) Then there is my 3-yr-old's favorite, Wonder Pets, with its earworm theme song. Aaarrgghhh!

Saturday, August 02, 2008 7:17:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Lazy days of summer, huh?

Saturday, August 02, 2008 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Ah... Brian baby. The ultimate in Canadian cheese... well, after Celine.

Hope you get a chance to relax soon. My youngest has also taken to soaking his hands in toilet water. Not so appealing.

Saturday, August 02, 2008 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger Manager Mom said...

Yeah. I'm thinking if Tool Man wants any reunion sex, he's gonna need to right-size the water karma. i.e. he sends you off to hot tub somewhere while he re-baptizes himself in the Toilet Waters of Reality.

Saturday, August 02, 2008 11:58:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

They just don't get it, do they? If it were the other way around, you would feel guilty he was home with the kids. But the good news is it's not just the Tool Man. It's all men. They just don't get it.

Saturday, August 02, 2008 12:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. I think you are living my life. Just a little south of me.

Tis the EXACT same day as mine, right down to the washing my hands in the toilet, the self-esteem missile destroying mama and the obtuse love of my life.

Except I don't dig facial hair.

But I'm getting your fascination with BPD, now.


Saturday, August 02, 2008 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Okay, I left my comment from my cell because my laptop kept kicking me out of your blog.

That was supposed to say "one ups my bad day".

Saturday, August 02, 2008 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

We always get screwed don't we? lol

Sunday, August 03, 2008 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Sitemeter was shutting down lots of people's blogs yesterday. That's what we get for trying to be statistical.

Sunday, August 03, 2008 4:32:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Lori - The weekend of silence was bliss, but Tool Man was playing unfair, sending me emails of my adorable kids having fun, and then my baby boy calls me, all happy and having a good time, and OMG, I love that voice! But it's good for them to have their boy time, and I gotta say, I'm ok with the me time!

WWoW - But I am SUPER COOL for a 40year old hot chick!

Chas - Ha! Perfect answer! Now, if I could just get my Tool Man to ask what I'm wearing BEFORE he goes on about HIS day..

ftn - You are among the list I have tucked in my pocket of the Most Awesome Goatee Sporting Men i know. Totally high on the list.

FADKOG - Numby is pretty much the tits, isn't he?

Sunshine - Oh, I have lots of tshirts. Lots. They get delivered to my house almost on the daily !

BP Dad - Take me as I am. Take my life. I will give it all. I would sacrifice...

Michael - Not too much to ask at all. Now...to just make it happen...

RS - The thing is, I think Tool Man sees what he wants to see when I'm hunched over there cleaning those toilets!

Phyllis - Ah, yes, I think you have the whole bit about longer stretches between reunions down. I should heed your suggestions!

Brian - Part of me is all 'tsk, tsk, tsk,' and the other part knows that if the roles were reversed in my house, it would be the very same thing!

Always home... - So I guess, what you're saying is, I should probably shave my legs...

Cocotte - They probably would prefer to be home with us and their families, but I'll admit, I'd be willing to swap places with him some weeks, even at a less expensive hotel!

Meg - Tool Man is just too damn cute to think about murdering. At least at the moment. I'll put the idea way down on my way too overloaded 'to do' list!

San Diego Momma - My husband took our boys and left for a long weekend early Saturday, so he's probably getting his taste. Thing is, his taste comes at a hotel, where they don't have to pick up, with lots of eating out, and a pool to divert the boys' attention, so I don't know if it's a very fair taste!

Sunday, August 03, 2008 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Sunday, August 03, 2008 11:19:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Therese - Some moms are very skilled at this thing ours seem to have going on. This week has been pretty damn rough.

Savage - Sometimes the right song just gets tweaked the right way, Mr. Lusty.

kimmy - Oh, he *says* he misses me, but whatever, there are nights when I am all sprawled out in the middle of the bed when I'm all, "yeah, you sure you don't have more work to do there?"

Alice - My mom doesn't know it, but she's why I've been in therapy and refilled many a subscription. She's damn hardcore. It might be a bitter battle!

Bee - Honey, I got me one of those one-uppers, too! I have actually stopped conversations and asked him to just let me win!

Trooper - Yep. While I am suffering through Zack and Cody, my husband is off somewhere soaking, telling me he's working otu the kinks in his sore and tired muscles. Whatever. In the meantime, I'm trying sending telepathic messages to that Zach and Cody mom, telling her to stop with the hair already.

Bunny - Ah! Wow! I hope you got at least some of what the trip was supposed to involve, and not just all that house hunting. But still, wow. I'm sorry!

Melissa - Super lazy, lemonade sipping days of summer. Definitely!

Mandy - What?! Bryan is the cheesiest Canadian artist?! Above Celine!? I could have plopped the duet the two of them did to this song here! Also, I hope the baby is soaking his hands AFTER he's digging around for his treats!

Manager Mom - Amen. Especially after I've lifted the lid to clean the toilet all of them use, and seriously...gah...

April - Oh, the guilt. I so always rush home from places I'm at because I feel guilty about not being there to help. I'm sure he does, too, but that's hard to remember when I'm knee deep some days!

Redneck Mommy - I think you and I have our dream day pretty well planned out! Definitely drinks first! I hope it's ok if BP Dad drops by though, because yeah, I just can't help it. It's the goatee. And the awesomeness. And that he christened me with my
military nickname. So many things!

Bee - I think the problem is/was that Sitemeter issue. I'm computer clueless, though!

Choppzs - One way or the other, most definitely do!

Cocotte - I pulled the Sitemeter code out of my template, and I was able to get on my site, and luckily, I didn't screw things up here.

Sunday, August 03, 2008 11:36:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Try and remember phone conversations don't always translate well... maybe what he was trying to say was "When I get home, I'm going to get all my tasks done early so I can install a whirlpool jacuzzi in our remodeled bedroom suite, and then you can go soak in the tub for an hour or more, while I distract the loaner dog with the amazing meal I am cooking for you."
Maybe... Ya' think?

Monday, August 04, 2008 12:44:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Zip n Tizzy - Ha! If such be the case, I must remind him of that tonight when he calls from wherever it is he is working at today!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...


Thursday, August 07, 2008 6:12:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Word.

Some men, anyway!

Thursday, August 07, 2008 10:43:00 AM  

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