...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, November 21, 2008

i'm fussy, i like my vampires sucky*

*or 'Just one of the reasons I hate 'Twilight' because, good Lord, I hate that book, but I'll spare you my actual list of reasons why because, rest assured, it would be massive.*

I was 20 when I met the boy known as The Vampire. I suppose he was 20, too, though, believing himself a vampire, he may have been 2,000 years old. And perhaps saying we met is a bit extreme, for we never actually met in person. Our paths crossed on a computer message board maintained by our tiny northwestern Missouri college. It was a Friday night, and where else would a 20 year old good girl who never drank illegally and treasured her virginity like a precious jewel kept under glass and a boy who believed himself Lord Of The Undead find themselves on the cusp of a weekend?

The Vampire. His username intrigued my roommate and me. Entering the board as Maurice (me - channeling Steve Miller's The Joker, my lack of creativity in full bloom) and New Cynsation (my roommate - earning a high five from me as I feebly attempted to contain my jealousy that her chosen pseudonym was a perfect play on words on INXS' hit, New Sensation), we sent the first missive inviting The Vampire into our world.

"Hello, Vampire! Does your Friday suck as much as ours?"

Oh, we were hilarious, New Cynsation and I, and we congratulated ourselves heartily on our clever wordplay, so sure we were our parents would be pleased to know how well spent their money was in our pursuit of journalism degrees.

Then the computer chimed, signalling a response.

"'Tis but another night I await to do my bidding. I am a vampire, weary from hours toiling among silly mortals. I crave the dark relief evening brings," The Vampire replied.

We spent hours that evening chatting with The Vampire. Questioning his habits. Apologizing for keeping him from his darkened hunt. Asking if blood tasted as tin-like as we imagined it must. "'Tis the nectar my blackened soul craves," he responded. If The Vampire was the hook and his words were the line, consider old Maurice and New Cynsation sunk. By the time the campus servers shut down for the night, we were convinced our dark lord was a magnificent creature on the other side of the quad. Was it possible he was just a loser like us, busting a gut with his floormates because he'd roped two lame girls into his web? Absolutely not!

We were thrilled when The Vampire asked that we continue our correspondence. The thrill grew when he deemed the electronic means we'd just used "too bourgeois," and suggested we "put quill to parchment" instead and share our words through campus mail. His first letter, filled with words like "doth," and "thou," was fantastic, poetic, and magical. He signed each one with love, and his signature was, plain and simply, The Vampire. Only it wasn't so plain and simple. No. Instead, the points of the 'm' were fashioned into pointy fangs from which drops of black ink blood pooled at the bottom of the notebook paper. From time to time, he'd extend the flourish on his 'e' and doodle a bat hanging from the end of it.

New Cynsation and I often tried to spy The Vampire, casing out his dorm, hoping we'd see him depart his room. I know what you're thinking, and yes, we tried smoking him out at night and in the daytime. We never once saw him that year. Ever. But we kept the allure alive with the letters and dedicating songs to him over our campus radio station. The obvious choice was always Concrete Blonde's Bloodletting (The Vampire Song). Embarrassing? Probably, but I had a friend who was a DJ, and when we asked him to say the song was dedicated from The Maidens, The Vampires chosen means of addressing us in his letters, he'd sigh and play along.

A couple years after we graduated, New Cynsation received a letter from The Vampire. It had been awhile since either of us had heard from the blood sucker. The letter was signed as they all had been, still no real name, but this time there was something new included in the envelope. A picture! Would our fantasy prince be dashing and dark? Towering and gorgeous?


Very much no.

Sure, The Vampire was pale. So very pale. Not because he was ethereal, avoided the sun in order to rise another day, nor because he needed the blood of a hapless stranger to fuel the fury in his soul. No. He was pale because his job as an accountant working at a desk housed within a cubicle left him pasty. And the red smudges on his chin? Were they the faded hemorrhagic remains of a victim or were they just acne scars. Let's take a closer look. Yep. Yep. That's an affirmative on the acne scars, New Cynsation.

Oh, but the best part was found on the back of the photo (which also included The Vampire's wife and adolescent stepson!). On the back of the photo was The Vampire's name. It was Mike.

Mike the Vampire. Which, wow, kind of sucked. No pun intended.

*OK, listen. I have a fondness for vampires that goes way back, so never doubt my love of those damn suckers, but I'll tell you one reason I hate 'Twilight' (which, yep, I know is just a story, a piece of fantasy, and if we were role playing and you were playing the part of a bookstore customer and I was playing the part of a bookseller, I'd preface this explanation with the words, "...but that's just my opinion, so..."). Vampires? They should be vicious! Deer sucking for sustenance? Really? Really? Oh, and look! You can go outside during the day! Isn't that special. Shred someone's face off, turn to a sloppy soup inside a coffin before the sun rises on the horizon, then come talk to me. Or try to bite my neck. Either way. Y'all can have your Edward Cullen. My heart's been staked by Kiefer Sutherland and Jason Patric in The Lost Boys. Now there's some hot undead.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah the Lost Boys. Many a daydream I had about them munching on my neck.

I could french kiss you by the way. I do believe you have just inspired my next post.

That is if I don't forget about it before I get my arse in gear and write it tomorrow morning.

Who am I kidding? We both know I'd french kiss you even if I did forget what I wanted to write about.


Friday, November 21, 2008 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

In the chatroom where I met my wife we had FyreRaven.

Of course we did.

And I think he had a Maiden, but I've forgotten her name.

Friday, November 21, 2008 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I believe I saw The Lost Boys at least three times in the theater. I had an addiction I think. Yum.

Friday, November 21, 2008 12:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget Interview with the Vampire. Oh Em Gee Brad and Antonio. Tom, not so much...

And dammit! Hitting delete on my latest vampire inspired post cause if you AND Redneck are doing it I cannot compete.

Friday, November 21, 2008 1:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee hee, Mike the vampire. Too funny.

Friday, November 21, 2008 1:55:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Jim Carey in Once Bitten was a more convincing vampire....

Lost boys has one of the most kick ass sound tracks to date.... "Thou shalt not fall"....

Friday, November 21, 2008 5:01:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I want to know HOW and WHY did the Vampire contact your friend??

Friday, November 21, 2008 6:21:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Mike the Vampire. That's the kind of thing that bursts every romantic, idealistic, optimistic bubble any of us have ever had.

Sorry, didn't take my happy pill this morning.

Friday, November 21, 2008 6:43:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I think the drawing of the M dripping blood should've been your first clue of the loser status.

Dungeons and Dragons by day, Mike the Vampire by night.

Friday, November 21, 2008 7:14:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I am a 100% bonafied proud owner of The Lost Boys soundtrack.

And it was The Lost Boys that taught me one of life's hardest lessons: While movies based on the book are usually pretty OK, Books that are based on the movie SUCK.

I bought the lost boys book in junior high and was horribly disappointed. Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric are essential ingredients for the magic.

Friday, November 21, 2008 7:38:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

Oh, I was into the vampire lore in my day! Not only did I LOVE Lost Boys I read Anne Rice's novels until I wore out the books.

Think Mike is into LARP-ing now?

Friday, November 21, 2008 7:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even better vampire movie? "Near Dark." Try it on for size.

Friday, November 21, 2008 7:43:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Could've been worse, could've been Gerald the Vampire. Then you'd've had to look up his bean counting ass and ram a stake into him.


Friday, November 21, 2008 8:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am all about vampires, so I feel you, but we have to agree to disagree about Twilight. me loves edward.

Okay as far as "mike the vampire"? Sucky.

Friday, November 21, 2008 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

it's Ok I'll still be your cyber friend even though you bashed Edward. Let me get back to lala land now :)

Friday, November 21, 2008 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

Jason Patric in Lost Boys.

Mike the VAmpire sounds so much like when Sookie Stackhouse is all mocky with Bill..."hmm...Bill. Vampire Bill?!?!" hahaha ;)

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel like I am missing on all the vampire stuff..and twilight. Is it because I grew up in Italy and missed out on a rite of passage here?
Illuminate me :)

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Mike the vampire???


Not sure there's anything to say about that, it's just wrong.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger MarĂ­a said...

Ok so how do you feel about True Blood? Did I miss that? Fill me in.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Amen to the vampires. They should rock.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger San Diego Momma/Two Funny Brains said...

I hung on every word of that story. Then, I got to the pasty and Mike. Say wha-???? Major vampire love story buzz kill.

Also, pls. tell me why you hate Twilight. I'm kinda pissed that the author got a $750,000 advance based on a dream she had, while I've toiled away for 9 years on just one manuscript.

Now THAT sucks. Sorry Mike.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Mike the accountant, huh. That blows and sucks.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on the "Twilight" books. I have my beef with the books--like Bella is a PATHETIC female--but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy them. I just happen to like the werewolves better than the vampires in these books.

And my hot vampires will always be Anne Rice's. *shiver* (The GOOD kind of shiver, that is.)

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Back in my day, Mike woulda been heavy into D&D. And his room would've been papered with those Frazetta posters with the uber-buxom women. So, it was just a natural that he'd gravitate to you. . .

I guess my question is the same as Cocotte's - HOW and WHY did he contact yer friend, after you'd all graduated?

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

The Lost Boys was definately one of my favorites.
Mike the Vampire definately not.
@ twobusy - Near Dark is awesome.

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder where Mike is today?

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I bet you a dollar that today, Mike writes a sex blog.

Friday, November 21, 2008 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

That is high-freaking-larious, dude. HILARIOUS.

Friday, November 21, 2008 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

ok, so I really liked the Twilight books, but only in the sense that it was a new take on Vampires and the innocence of the whole thing was kind of refreshing.

But I have another recommendation for you. I think of these as kind of "vampire smut"..or vampire porn for us chicks.

You MUST check out J.R. Ward's books about Zadist, Rhage, Vishous, Phury and the Brotherhood. Oooh I'm all a-tingle just thinking about them.
And then...then check out Kresley Cole's stuff. FANTASTIC.

I'm with you on the Lost Boys thing though. Jason Patric was one of the hottest vamps ever.

Friday, November 21, 2008 12:53:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Wow, sometimes fantasy is so much better then real life! lol

Friday, November 21, 2008 12:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mike the vampire? How sad. Kinda ruined the illusion. Too bad about that.

And I with ya on Twilight. Except one of the reasons I don't like it is because I wanna be all GROW SOME COJONES BELLA SWAN AND STOP PINING OVER THE GUY YOU'RE 17. When I was 17 I was in love with my best friend's cousin, Mike. I saw him just last year and he gained 100 pounds and has no neck. Thank goodness I outgrew that.

But, that's just me.

Friday, November 21, 2008 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

The sight of blood makes me weak, so I could never be a vampire.

Instead, I'd do a creature change and turn into a Troglodyte and carry around a mace...or something.

Friday, November 21, 2008 4:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm greedy, I want Kiefer, Jason, AND Edward. How could you not love Edward, I'm baffled. Did you get that? Baffled.;)

Friday, November 21, 2008 5:38:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

Are your ears burning? I've been on the phone with Mr. Sweetypants in Egypt and we were talking about how freakin' awesome you are. Wanna know what he said? "I think (your name) could be the female Bill Bryson."

Then he went on to say that you would become famous and I would run away to Marrakesh with you and, I quote, "Tool Man and I will become best friends and go out on the pull at weekends."

That said, I'm home alone and am totally going to drink a beer and watch my "Lost Boys" DVD.

Friday, November 21, 2008 6:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zombies are my thing. Oh, I know, there's none of the allure of a pale creature chewing on your jugular, but I love the idea of being with a few close friends during a zombie apocalypse. It seems almost cosy - board up the windows, stockpile canned food and ammo and occasionally shoot a slow moving undead fiend in the brain. But maybe it's just me.

Friday, November 21, 2008 8:26:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Brenda said...

Mike? His name was Mike? That's a thousand kinds of wrong. And when you write your first Vampire novel I'll be all over it. The one I am reading now is just ummm, dare I say "meh?" And I know I am the last person on earth to read it. Darn Twitter.

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:58:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

Because I love all things vampire, I must digress - I saw Twilight today, and loved it. But when describing it to another friend I had to explain how it isnt the normal type of vamp flick. It doesn't view like a typical undead, red hot, sexy, cant deny it vamp dream, but it was still good. If you have seen The Covenant (a male "witchy" movie), Twilight views much like it.

I haven't read however, so maybe that made the difference.

True Blood is the only vamp show I cannot seem to wrap my arms around (that and Dead and Loving It), but give me Bram Stokers, or Underworld, Blade, or Lost Boys, and you can take me to your leader anyday!

Friday, November 21, 2008 9:59:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I moved to Santa Cruz the summer the Lost Boys came out. I was afraid, believe me very afraid. But alas, there were a lot of Mike's there too.

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:01:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Listen to the others: Near Dark is the best vampire movie ever. They're nowhere near as hot as The Lost Boys, but they could definitely kick their asses.

And I can't believe you and your friend didn't track him down. If someone was claiming to be a vampire, I would've had to catch at least a glimpse.

Friday, November 21, 2008 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

For all we know, in Transylvanian, Dracula might be just as common place as Jones, say.

Saturday, November 22, 2008 7:56:00 AM  
Blogger Cameron said...

Seems like an increasing number of films / shows / books lately are of bad people with a good side. Dr Horrible, come on. The evil guy that is just trying to win the hearts of the evil league.

Saturday, November 22, 2008 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

Did he ever do that creepy vampire accent as he declared, "I vant to suck your vase?"

Saturday, November 22, 2008 12:52:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm with Chag, Near Dark is awesome, but Lost Boys is way sexier and I listened to that soundtrack on my walkman every single freak day for such a long time. But I had fun yesterday pretending I was fifteen (over look that fact about me, m'kay?)

Saturday, November 22, 2008 7:58:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

How about some vampire hotness of True Blood on HBO?

None of that woosy namby pamby Twilight for me - gimme some Bill!

Saturday, November 22, 2008 8:11:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

FADKOG, I went to see the movie. I feel neither ashamed nor apologetic because I'm still cool on the outside but I did die a little on the inside. :o(

Also, my Vamps are from the Brad Pitt Tom Cruise era. I was so upset when they mutilated Queen of the Damned.

Saturday, November 22, 2008 9:04:00 PM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

Heh... Mike. Of course!

I "dated" a "vampire" once. He wrote THE BEST letters. Good kisser too. Never got bit, but the one date we had, there wasn't a full moon, so...

Sunday, November 23, 2008 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Lost Boys was the total hotness. I also loved Interview with a Vampire. Basically anything Vampire and I'm hooked.

I am going to make a big bold move here and tell you I may be the only person all of the internets that hasn't read Twilight. Please don't tell anyone. :)

Sunday, November 23, 2008 10:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After reading this post I can NOT get the image of Kip Dynamite out of my head.

Sunday, November 23, 2008 3:29:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I do love your title... it's rather Digital Undergroundish.

Did I mention lust?

Sunday, November 23, 2008 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

redneck mommy - ...and so, the french kissing starts when, anyway? :)

bp dad - Every chat room dude has a maiden. I think it's probably a law.

heather - I'm not even sure I saw The Lost Boys in the theater, but I do know I've seen it so often now, it's like a religion to me.

kelley - I had some Interview With The Vampire love in this post, but yanked it in a fit of editing. You shouldn't have yanked your vamp post!

goodfather - Funny is definitely how we ended up looking at it!

savage - The Lost Boys soundtrack still gets regular play around these parts.

cocotte - My friend carried on a longer, off-campus, mail relationship with The Vampire than I did. The guy wrote fantastic letters!

prefers her fantasy life - The glow definitely comes off the rose when you see reality.

carolyn - True, but sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

chas - I have owned The Lost Boys soundtrack at least five different times. Every party I ever had in college, someone stole the cassette! EVERY TIME!

DCD - I still have a bit of a thing for vampires. I blame Mike. :)

twobusy - Oh, I totally agree! I am ashamed I forgot that one!

chris - OMG, I should look up Mike the Vampire on Facebook!

kd - We can definitely agree to disagree. I actually think I'm outnumbered in my Twilight hater camp, anyway!

christina - Maybe I'm just jaded because I am contantly around these damn books at work. :)

ali - OMG!! I just realized! Jason Patric's character's name in The Lost Boys was Michael. Mike...the vampire! No wonder I've alwasy been hot for him! :)

anita - I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing, but, and again, it's just my opinion, if you've not read the Twilight books, you're not missing anything. Of course, I'm in a blogosphere minority in that opinion.

sailor - very, very wrong.

immoral matriarch - we don't get pay cable, so I've not seen any episodes of True Blood, nor have I read the books they're based on, but I'm hoping to track the show down to watch.

heinous - They can't rock as hard as zombies, but vampires truly should rock.

san diego momma - Why do I hate Twilight? The writing and the way an editor could have helped, the way it feels like a middle school writing project, how Bella appears to be utterly incapable of being independent, on and on and on... ;)

always home - this was a case where those two things were a detriment, for sure.

laggin - one of my biggest gripes with the book (and I only read the first because it pissed me off so much) was how pathetic Bella was.

des - I don't doubt that The Vampire hung with the dweebs and rocked the D&D.

kaila - I need to buy myself The Lost Boys on DVD. I'm ashamed of myself that I don't own it.

DC Urban Dad - I wonder that AND if he ever still fancies himself as The Vampire.

ftn - which would be AWESOME!

aunt becky - thank you! :)

mad woman - I'm adding your suggestions to my list. I'm currently reading David Wellington's vampire books, which I love.

choppzs - true dat!

meg - Ha! It's not just you, it's me, too!

papa - In theory, I think the vampire thing is cool. In practice, I just don't have it in me.

sammanthia - Are you baffled? You should have heard me as I muttered my annoyances while reading the book! :)

that girl - Steve is my first official blog visitor in Cairo! Awesome! Now, when can we run away, and will you be sure to bring your copy of The Lost Boys (because wth?! I don't own it!)?

steve - good lord, man! Everything you say is EXACTLY why zombies will always have my heart. And probably my brain, because in the event of a zombie apocolypse, I'm screwed because I'm not a good runner.

seriously mama - Are you reading Twilight now? Please let me know if you stay in the 'meh' category!

lori - Mmmm....Blade. I swear, when I come across those movies on TV, I stop what I'm doing and watch, not matter the time!

zip n tizzy - Hilarious! Those damn dirty vampire!

chag - Oh, we tried over and over again to spot the dude, but he was never one to go out during the day. Or, if he did, I was always in my Comp class!

Brian - You have a very valid point!

Cameron - That does seem to be the great internal struggle. Now, if it could always be acted out by the great Neil Patrick Harris...

Shonda - OMG...I WISH!

motherbumper - I will forever forgive anything for you!

swirl girl - Tool Man is watching the season finale of True Blood as I type this right now, but I've not seen a single episode. I need to hunt it down.

bee - you're totally cool, even if you did feed the Twilight machine. ;)

jenny - I imagine Mike The Vampire had never kissed anything more than his pillow for a long, long time.

stiletto mom - Hold strong, my friend. Hold strong. I may have read the first one, but I stopped, and I'm glad. Join me on the dark side!

bejewell - Heh...I think you're right on track!

savage - Two comments on the same post!? Nice! And thanks for picking up on that. I was totally playing off Digital Underground.

Sunday, November 23, 2008 11:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FADKOG, you know the problem with this blog? Too many damn vampires :-)

I kid, of course...but one bookseller to another, I like Twilight - if only because it allows us to centralize all of the requests for suggestions by parents of teenagers. "You have a 17 year old girl? Allow me to point you to one giant table of Stephenie Meyer stuff. You're welcome"

Monday, November 24, 2008 7:12:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home