...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

the post where, if you've had even the slightest hint of a crush on me, you're now saying, 'yeah, listen, it was fun...' and then backing away slowly

See that thing over there? Can you guess what it is? Anyone? You. In the back. Is your hand raised or are you just scratching your back?

Oh, you want to try your luck at multiple choice, eh? I see how you are. OK, your choices are as follows:

1. The hyper-fertilization of the sauciest egg at the party. Ah, slow jam, baby.

2. The end result of what three hours and nearly 800 prize tickets will net two boys who worked in tandem at Chuck E. Cheese's.

3. A virulent strain of germ that is, as I write this, lodged within the deep recesses of my lungs.

If you chose Number 2 you would, by all accounts, be correct. This is (finger quotes) technically (finger quotes) a close up shot of the small (emphasis on small because why would you spend three hours and endure gastrointestinal distress at Chuck E. Cheese's for a big prize, yo!) ball the boys picked out as their joint prize. My boys are such sweethearts, choosing to pick one prize rather than four rubber earthworms, one plastic ring, and 14 Tootsie Roll Midgies apiece. I love that they work together and reduce bickering. I'm sure the pouting I did when they didn't have any Tootsie Rolls for me to steal wasn't the greatest way to demonstrate my pride, though, and for that, I'm sorry.

OK, so, this proves you're all very, very smart people. I didn't really doubt this for a minute, mind you. However, I was actually hoping you'd guess Number 3 - the virulent germ strain that will perhaps be named after me once it has successfully worked to kill me. What's that? You in the back again? Another itch? No? Oh, you want to tell me you hope I feel better soon? Aww. Thank you! Aren't you a dear!

As I typically do when I acquire a new illness, I like to place the blame for my distress at the feet of the person or persons most likely responsible, then do everything in my power to make them pay. Naturally, my first call was to Chuck E. Cheese's. I figure if I came home Monday night ripped up from the inside, it's not unlikely someone back in the kitchen hocked up a big old smorgasbord of germs on our pepperoni and sausage. However, no one else in my family is (as yet) displaying similar symptoms, so I feel compelled to cross the mouse off my list.

My second choice is the herd of preschoolers to whom I taught Sunday school last weekend (I'll give you a minute to recover after reading that sentence...). Here's a list of reasons why I think they - either individually or as a team - are responsible. Please read them and then give me your thoughts. Let's brainstorm this, people!

  • The funky smell of funk detected as I entered the room filled with 20 four and five-year-old children (granted, "funky smell of funk" doesn't necessarily equal "raging cold" but I feel it necessary to include).
  • The fishing of Playdough from the mouths of approximately three of said 20 children
  • God laughing uproariously at the idea of me actually teaching Sunday school to a gaggle of preschoolers, resulting in holy spittle falling from the heavens and landing upon me.
  • The thick green ribbons of mucus I helped wipe from the faces of four children (including one of whom who opted to use her tongue instead because I was apparently too slow).
  • The recoiling in horror I did when one tiny zombie-faced child lumbered toward me before taking a header and landing in my neck. After smearing her snotty face across my cheek.
If it helps you any, the lesson I taught was about Abraham, and we painted paper tents, then put dark blankets over a table and crawled under them so we were together in our tent while I read the story of God telling Abraham he had to move, except I didn't so much get to read the story as I broke up fights about the blanket and tried to keep some mother's little angel from kick fighting with another mother's little angel. And then I went home and wept.


Questions? Thoughts? Opinions?

Yeah. I'm inclined to agree. I think the Sunday school class is to blame, too. Thus, as revenge, I shall unleash a reign of terror upon their houses the likes of which they've never seen before!! That should be really awesome considering that at this moment, I sound exactly like
Regan in The Exorcist (p.s. I'm home alone tonight and looking through a bunch of video clips for that one creeped me the hell out)(well, I mean, the kids are here, but of what good are they to me in situations like demon possession?!). Anyway, I'm all rattly in the lungs and when I cough, it sounds like death spewing forth from my bowels, so when I say I can unleash a reign of terror, I'm not jacking around here.

I also don't exactly mean my bowels either, just FYI. That would be hella gross. What I actually mean is...sigh... OK, when I cough...ladies...help me out here...when I cough I think I'm close to dying, so naturally, as one of the last things I think I'll do, I thank my laughing God for my children....and then I curse them a little bit because getting them to the outside meant they've wreaked havoc upon my pelvic floor. I'm not admitting anything for sure here, but there's a chance I'm writing this post while perched atop two very thick beach towels folded under me and placed delicately upon my couch. Oh, I am a pretty, pretty princess.

Hello, Kegel exercises, you saucy wenches. I see we (need to) meet again...

Oh, and I see we meet again, too, chicken salad sandwich on honey wheat nut bread I ate around 2 p.m., today. Yeah. The coughing is so powerful that it does have a tendency to work from both ends sometimes. Ladies, here's a tip. If you have long hair like I do, never be without a hair scrunchie in your pocket. You'll thank me later.

I'm so hopped up on cough syrup with codeine (my faithful lover) that if Tool Man was here, he could SO get it on with me right now (see photo above). Because nothing says "I desire to throw you down and make mad, hot love to you!" like a little incontinence. Oh, like YOU'RE judging ME!

You in the back again. You have something more to say? What? I am a sexy, sexy beast? Oh, stop! You're making me blush!

Or maybe I just have a fever now! Crap!

Damn those Sunday school kids! Damn them, damn them, damn them!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I (may) have to go change now.
P.S. Hey! As my dying wish (what? it feels like I am dying, you know!), won't you go over to Blogtations and vote for me and my fun and fancy quote from last fall to be the best Blogtation of the Year? Just read through the other (more hilarious) quotes, then do me a solid, follow the email link right there on the page, and vote for plain old mine, OK? I'd do it for you. If I wasn't dead, I mean. Voting ends February 13th, and if you do, I'd kiss you. Except you don't want my germs. Right. OK, I'll curtsy in your general direction.



Blogger Bee said...


Thursday, February 05, 2009 9:54:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

This is so hot.

Thursday, February 05, 2009 10:01:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

You know what? Now I'm picturing the episode of Friends when Monica is sick and trying to get Chandler to do her. And she was all "Ahm sou sessy" because she had phlegm.

Also, I have one word for you.


Thursday, February 05, 2009 10:04:00 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

I’m not a mom, but after nineteen years of kick-ass auntness, even I know you don’t eat the pizza at CEC. Stick to the beer, that’s why they sell it. It might have even killed some of those germs you picked up (which may have been a smiting.) I’m just saying.

Thursday, February 05, 2009 10:12:00 PM  
Blogger HoodChick said...

And I still have a crush. But I'll take the curtsy (yes, you guilt hoared me into voting.)

Thursday, February 05, 2009 10:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right now, I'm feeling pretty comfortable with "admire you from a safe distance" status.

Thursday, February 05, 2009 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger Annette said...

here's some dayquil and antibacterial hand stuff and .... yeah, more Kegels.

And until I read this post I thought you were a guy, I guess I should pay more attention on Twitter.


Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're sick but this post is damn funny. My poor sis is home with pneumonia and the anti-biotics have made her shit her pants twice. Like ... without any warning. What the HELL is that about??

Get better soon!!

Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

er, that comment above was mine

Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:32:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Sorry you're sick. I blame the sunday school class too, no doubt about that one in my mind.

I'll take a curtsy, voted :)

Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:40:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

There was so much here to wrap my head around...from the ribbon of snot to the incontinence. CannIgetsomeathatcodienetoo?

Thursday, February 05, 2009 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Yet another reason to quit volunteering. And thanks - I was hoping for a post about the cheap ass toy you got from Chuck.

Friday, February 06, 2009 5:56:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I'm sorry you don't feel well, but I'm over here chuckling because your "pretty, pretty princess" line sent my thoughts straight to "The princess and the pee."

I generally save my lameness to torture my children with, but this one I had to share.

Hope you feel better soon.

Friday, February 06, 2009 6:37:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Phwoar! Nothing says sexy like diarrohea. Ewwww.

Hope you get better soon, FADKOG, and that those delightful Sunday School monsters haven't broken your marbles permanently. Other people's kids can be such germ riddled nightmare. Ah well.

Dr Wood prescribes wine and DVDs. Absolutely essential, otherwise you are despaired of.

Friday, February 06, 2009 6:53:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

My hubs and I taught 2 yr. old preschool one year. NEVER AGAIN! I think I would go to Chuck E. Cheese before I would do that again. Either way, it's a risk I don't wish to take.

Friday, February 06, 2009 6:59:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Please drop by and let me know when your incontinence issues are gone. I am too scare to come back until then!!


Friday, February 06, 2009 7:02:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

You should follow Dr. Wood's prescription of wine and DVDs. I know I will--and I'm not even sick.

Cheers to feeling better!

Friday, February 06, 2009 7:23:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

There really could be no situation where I would not crush out on you! Although I'm happy to be an admirer from a distance today!

Definitely blame the Sunday school snot fest - that is just...just...so gross.

Hope you get better soon!

Friday, February 06, 2009 7:25:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

It happens when you cough? Dang, usually it takes My Love a good sneeze.

You have been voted for. Can I get a little mucus before I take the kids to school?

Friday, February 06, 2009 7:32:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Chuckie's is a cesspool of germs, I refuse to go there. Ugh.

Friday, February 06, 2009 7:58:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

This may be a blogworld first. I feel confident that I've never seen Sunday school, Kegel exercises, and Charles le Fromage all addressed in one post. *slow clap*

Friday, February 06, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Wow. . . Damning Sunday-school kids. . .

Seems to run kinda counter to the mission. . .


And listen . . . incontinent sex seems like it would just be kinky-hot. OK, maybe more like warm. . .

Nice photo, tho. I vote for caption #1. . .

Friday, February 06, 2009 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

As soon as i saw the picture I knew what it was and where it came from. Why? Because my son got one too.

The picture I had in my head while reading about the snot party at Sunday School made me gag. Thanks.

Still have a crush though

Friday, February 06, 2009 10:03:00 AM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

1. I'm sick too.

2. Eventually, Kegels aren't enough.

3. I thought it was a sex toy. Hence the title of the post.

Friday, February 06, 2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

I love you even more now. Is that even possible? Please come visit me. Oh, and bring that "green toy" thingy. Mwah!

Friday, February 06, 2009 3:37:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I suppose the Devil's in the mucus, which is why people say "Bless You" when you sneeze.

Get Well Soon...

Friday, February 06, 2009 3:56:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

"Damn those Sunday school kids!!!"

I repeat, after sneezing eight times in a row!!!!!! and pee my pants.......

Friday, February 06, 2009 4:13:00 PM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

I voted for you, and I even pee'd a little when I did it so you wouldn't feel bad.

Friday, February 06, 2009 6:22:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i miss chuck.
my kids use to love to go there and play but when "mom cheese" (the mouse in the white) and chuck would stroll around the joint they would totally disappear in the crawl spaces in the slide area.

i miss their pizza too!

i wonder if i can drag the kids for ole time sake? probably not. and it's totally uncool of me to go alone huh? i could always pretend i was lookin for my kids.

good idea!

hope youre feelin' better!

Saturday, February 07, 2009 12:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course it was the Sunday school kids. Any gaggle of kids in one room is a breeding ground for the kiddie plague. (thats what you have, the kiddie plague). As for Sir Charles, the only redeeming feature of that place is that you can turn your kids loose and they have the handstamp system so the kids can't go anywhere without you. That and the salad bar. The pizza is greasy overpriced cardboard. But of course, the first rule of pizza is that it is like sex. Even when it's bad it's still pretty good.
Have tool man pick you up some depends, so you don't have to keep washing your towels, and get well soon. I'm totally gonna go and vote for you, cuz you still kick ass even when you're incontinent.

Saturday, February 07, 2009 7:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy, some emotional transition you gave me!

I was crying because I'm watching Apollo 13 and there's the scene w/Tom Hanks'/Jim Lovell's batty old mom, his wife and their two daughters, with the littlest one trying to hold back tears while her mom explains that Jim isn't going to the moon after all and there's "some danger" for him. There are all the brave, good-looking astronauts and their bouffant-haired women waiting at home while the CO2 levels build in the lunar module.

I click over to Google Reader, start scrolling through this, hit "Oh, I am a pretty, pretty princess" and start laughing so hard I'm crying even harder in about 60 seconds.

My husband looked over my shoulder. You caught his eye with "saucy wenches" and I scrolled back up so he could read some of it. Kegel jokes are mostly belly laughs for women, but he appreciated it.

God, I love your writing. Sick or well, you're screamingly funny.


Sunday, February 08, 2009 12:37:00 AM  
Blogger Samantha Alice said...

Children should come with biohazard labels on their cute little faces, shouldn't they? Sometimes I want to keep mine in little Darth Vador masks to contain all the crud... but girl-child is too close to the dark side already, and I'd rather they kill me with the flu than a light saber.

Like said above, when the Kegels don't work, there are other options. I went with surgery, and can jog without peeing all over myself now. That's way more better.

Sunday, February 08, 2009 2:39:00 AM  
Blogger Marinka said...

I can't believe you underestimated our intelligence like that. Or the fact that ahem some of us have a few of these around.

Heading over to Blogtations!

Sunday, February 08, 2009 7:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: your title. Are you nuts? This post only makes me want you MORE. If the weird green ball with pasties coming off of it hadn't won me over, the accidental potties would still have made me all warm and gooey for you. And I think "warm and gooey" is the perfect choice of words in this particular situation.

Sunday, February 08, 2009 9:11:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Mmm... Kiss Kiss!

I still vote for the rats nest.

Sunday, February 08, 2009 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

I love that you wrote this: (finger quotes) technically (finger quotes)


And also this: Damn those Sunday school kids! Damn them, damn them, damn them!


Feel better soon, dear...

Monday, February 09, 2009 2:10:00 AM  
Blogger xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

Oh, poor, poor FADKOG. That's what you get for trying to spread religion to the masses. This is karma from the Crusades coming back around.

And, as your friend, I have to advise you to toss that scrunchie (and any others that you may own) directly into the trash and trade them for a ponytail holder/elastic (WITHOUT BEADS, for the Love of God!) that is the same color as your hair.

Just sayin'. If you're gonna die, I would like you to look your best.

Monday, February 09, 2009 5:46:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

So instead of lightening you got a cold...

Monday, February 09, 2009 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

wow....I'm speechless......
not over your illness, but over the whole you teaching Sunday School thing. Knock me over with a feather ;)
When I taught second grade I was sick every other week. I used hand sanitzer 100 times an hour and my hands became dry, red and brittle and eventually broke off. I am typing this with my toes!

Monday, February 09, 2009 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

If ever a post has deserved an "I lust you" response, it's this one. Where is it? I'm disappointed.

Monday, February 09, 2009 2:56:00 PM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

You just gave me one more reason why I'm glad I had two c-sections!

I voted for you!! Hope you feel better soon!

Monday, February 09, 2009 7:21:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Even though you are or may be sick at the time you read this snippet of wit from yours savagery I wish to express my desire to lick where your tonsil are or were in your mouth because I am lusting you that hard....

Monday, February 09, 2009 8:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is not to love sorry lust after. You rock.

Monday, February 09, 2009 9:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn honey! The story of how I got sick is a total let down after this! (Which involved maybe (perhaps) being the teeniest bit pregnant, and sore boobs, and, you know, lower immunity, but the sore boobs are gone so am only left with the lousy cold. I'd have much rather damned Sunday-schoolers than my ovaries.)

I hope you feel better but I have to admit the unleashing of your hellacious bowels is ALWAYS entertaining.

Monday, February 09, 2009 11:13:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Seriously, are you allowed to curse Sunday school kids? Really?

You askin' for some vengeance Old Testament style.


Hope you feel better soon!

Monday, February 09, 2009 11:46:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Bee - Woot!

Backpacking Dad - I can't help but notice you used the word 'this' insteand of 'you.'

Bee - Don't think I've not considered at least pricing some of those undergarments as I've restocked the meds.

HoodChick - Alas, my desire not to use the bathroom at Chuck's prevented me from drinking the beer.

HoodChick - Hold on. Let me get up. OK. Curtsy granted.

TwoBusy - That's pretty much how all my best relationships have started out.

'Nette - I get that man thing a lot. Actually, I get that I sound like an 11 year old boy thing more!

LilSass - Oh, I pray, pray, pray I don't get that side effect!

Sailor - I've given you your curtsy, and now I'm off for a nap.

SwirlGirl - The damn doctor wouldn't give me anymore codeine! I'm on the final drops of some leftovers, and I simply can't share!

Cocotte - I aim to please, and now I'll turn away so I don't aim to sneeze!

Chas - OMG, because that is exactly what I was going for, but in my head, which was wracked with pain, I couldn't even think of what that was!

Chris - Happily I've not had that issue, and to keep it further warded off, I'm responding here and then laying down with the DVDS.

Under the Influence - This used to be a quarterly teaching gig for me, and now it's monthly. I think I'm doomed!

WWoW - It's touch and go every day, sadly.

Prefers Her Fantasty Life - Screw that whole 'don't mix medications and alcohol' business! I'm in!

Dana - Sadly it's still hanging on, and as I wipe my nose, I'll thank you for the crushing!

Always Home - I got your mucus right here, dear!

Heather - I start to feel dirty before I even get in the front door there.

Legallyblondemel - It's pretty bizarre what you can come up with when hopped up on meds.

Des - I can do a lot of things, but I don't think I can do incontinent sex!

kaila - Your son must be a big time Chuck E. Cheese's prize ticket stud!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 9:45:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Middle Aged Woman -
1. I hope you're feeling better.
2. Crap.
3. I wish.

Steeky Bee - More than ever?! How is that even possible, indeed?! I'm a mess, I assure you. :)

Brian - That's a very good theory. People are tired of blessing me now though, I think.

Vodka Mom - Ha! Well, you're probably surrounded by more germs than I am!

Sherendipity - Thanks for making me feel less alone out there in the world. :)

kimmy - Sadly, I'm still suffering the effects of whatever I picked up, wherever I picked it up at. I'm going to lay under blankets today and let Jack Bauer torture my germs away.

Fu Manchu Dad - In all honesty, I'd go off sex completely if I had sex as bad as the Chuck E. Cheese pizza I ate last week!

Barb - Your comment made me smile, and it also made me realize that now, in some small way, I'm connected to Kevin Bacon since you read the post while watching Apolla 13!

Samantha Alice - We have such cruddy medical insurance, I'm pretty sure I'll have to have a perpetual Kegel squeeze going on!

Marinka - But do you have the bickering kids fighting over said ball now after you wrote a blog post talking about how nicely they played together?

bejewell - You are my soft, warm center, Beej. I will totally share my slanket with you!

Zip n Tizzy - It's a big time rat's next!

jenny - You should see inside my head and how much I think it, too!

iMommy - Oh, believe me, the scrunchies are purely for sleeping in. In public, I'm all about the discreet, hair-color matching elastics! I may look like death, but my hair is good.

Bogart - Someone's watching over me...

Christina Lee - I am truly an anomaly!

ftn - I feel like that might be coming up...

Madame Queen - I sigh and cringe with every cough. :)

Savage - That's a pretty sure fire way to get yourself sick, mister. P.S. My tonsils are long gone.

DCUrban Dad - I know, right?! I'm the whole package, armed with a box of Kleenex!

weirdgirl - I hope, hope, hope, hope, hope that that is why you are sick...and I hope some more...

Mandy - In retrospect, I wouldn't recommend damning Sunday school kids! :)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 10:02:00 AM  
Blogger Bex said...

i sooooooo relate to most of this post! you are a riot!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:23:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Sunday Schools and/or church nurseries are hotbeds of germiness. I almost lost an eye after church nursery duty. Seriously. I wiped tons of nasty little noses one Sunday and must have skipped a hand-washing somewhere and then touched my eye. Turns out I transferred staph to my eye. The kind that doesn't respond to normal antibiotics. My turned into a red ball of pulp, the left upper quadrant of my face was a lovely puffy purple/red mess, and my doctor brought med students in to see an eye that might have to be removed due to infection. Of course, this potential eye-amputation had not previously been mentioned to me. After all, I was just the patient. That was fun. I never volunteered for nursery again.

Thursday, February 12, 2009 1:50:00 PM  

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