...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, July 13, 2009

so tired that i couldn't even sleep

So here's the thing. I'm tired. Actually, tired tapped me on the shoulder early this morning, I think it may have been somewhere around 2:29 a.m., maybe even later (it was so very much later), and told me I was being far too polite referring to how I feel as simply 'being tired.' I remember thinking "Well, then, I'm very, very tired," when I turned back toward the clock on the nightstand and saw the numbers 3, 4, and 5 lined up in a row (as in a.m., as in who the hell should be awake at 3:45 a.m.?). I also remember thinking, "Well, that's clever and a rather welcome change of pace from the usual 2:22 a.m., or 3:33 a.m., I've grown quite used to."

I'm tired.

Strike that. Strike that and all the verys I could place in front of it to qualify it.

I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and probably spiritually. If you go to church and get stuck sitting in the front row like I did this week, which you hate because, well, you just do, can you blame the bright lights for the water coming out of your eyes? I mean, that's also what I do when I realize my eyes are leaking while I'm sitting at a traffic light, so same rules apply, right?

I honestly can't recall a night when I've gone to bed and didn't lay there waiting to see what symmetry the time had for me the next time I glanced at the clock. There's a name for that, I believe, a name for when you wake up (if you've been asleep, that is) at the very same time every night to find the clock reading 2:22 a.m., or 3:33 a.m., but I can't think of what it's called. Maybe it's called a coincidence. Or maybe it has something to do with the body's circadian rhythms, but I think you have to be asleep in order to dance to that beat. I'd google it, but I'm too tired to think of the right words to phrase the question. Somehow I don't think "You know, that thing where the numbers are all the same, right?" would net me the solution. That or I'd uncover some sort of doomsday theory, and I've already got too much of that kind of thing going on in my head.

Of course, I could take a nap. A few minutes to refresh myself. Fifteen minutes here and there. But I don't because I've convinced myself I'll fall asleep for hours and ruin whatever hope I have for rest that evening. Naps, it would seem, have become a less a refreshing way to recharge and are now something more like a prelude to hibernation.

I'm exhausted. I also think if you looked at me, if you read here and there, if you dropped me notes on Facebook and told me how you missed me and thought we should get together and "Hey, isn't it time we had a talk?" you'd conclude there's a reasonable explanation for why it is I can't sleep. Or not. Whatever it is, it's gone on so long now that I'm probably growing accustom to it.

I hate that I'm accustom to this.

I hate that I'm writing something that seems like a steaming pile of woe is me.

I hate that I can't sleep.

(I love that I'm getting so many damn books read, though. Need a recommendation? I'm your girl.)

There's really no gist (but there quite likely is) to this post other than some lame attempt on my part to release some of the words that bounce around my cranium like a hyped up preschool playgroup at an inflatable funland. Those damn words are loud in there, and they're one-sided and, to be honest, they're also sort of pissed.

I have to try to go to bed now. The thought of that shouldn't stress me out, right? Make me antsy? That's definitely not going to be the suspiciously cute boy who crosses the gymnasium floor and asks me to dance and tells me his name is Sleep while we spin along to those circadian rhythms, no?

I am very, very exhausted.



Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

no caffeine
no computer
no reading

just sleep

if that doesn't work?

try tylenol PM or some other OTC. It's no crime.

'cause you gotta sleep girl!

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:55:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

Take a nap and set an alarm, this way you won't do the 3 hour power nap.

Oh and Simply Sleep that is made by Tylenol, worth it's weight in gold.

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kat has a good point on the alarm, that's what works for me, too.

Either way.... I hope that you start getting some sleep. If that means drugs, or naps with alarms, or crazy bedtime rituals I dunno, but sleep is critical. Wishing you more than a few zzzzzzzs

Monday, July 13, 2009 5:40:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

For stupid information on how critical sleep is, the lack thereof will cause hallucinations. Get some sleep my friend.

Monday, July 13, 2009 6:07:00 AM  
Blogger cIII said...

I could bake you my "special" Sleepy-Time Brownies.

Add those to a reading of Architectural Graphics and Standards and bingo(!)...

Babies don't sleep that well.

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:18:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

My insomnia is striking at 2-3 times a week now. Meaning, half the week, I'm a walking ZOMBIE.

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:27:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Long term sleep deprivation is not to be taken lightly. My vote is to take one of the PM drugs and keep trying until you find one that works for you.

In the meantime, though, I could use some book recommendations...

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

What always works for My Love is me asking her for a little something something. Bam, out like a light.

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:38:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

I am right there with ya. I've got no suggestions, because nothing I try ever works well, either.

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:49:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

it is the crummiest feeling- I am going to suggest Tylenol PM or Benadryl too!

Monday, July 13, 2009 8:26:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

I'm so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. After years with the problem, I went to a sleep clinic hooked up with wires to every part of my body, and at the end pretty much all they said was, 'Yup, you can't sleep.'

I don't have any real advice since I still struggle with it, but I do know that keeping your clock as far away (i.e. out of sight) from you as you can will at least keep you from feeling crazy and frustrated every time you look at it.

Monday, July 13, 2009 8:33:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Ugh; that's awful!

I'd echo the folks who're pointing you toward some manner of 'sleeping pill'. A shot of brandy at bedtime; Sleepytime tea; try stuff, and hope that something will work.

I've got allergies, so when it gets bad, I can take one of the 'night-time' allergy pills, and it'll knock me right out. But you don't wanna just go all-out with the 'chemical' solutions. . .

"Sleep, my child, and peace attend thee. . ."

Monday, July 13, 2009 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Paint your left foot blue, and then stand on your head, naked, while chanting the words to a selection of Rob Base songs. After you do that, smoke a banana peel and drink two shots of furniture polish.

Ignore everyone else's suggestions, they don't know what they're talking about.

Monday, July 13, 2009 8:55:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Sleep is over rated.

Monday, July 13, 2009 9:21:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I have no sensible advice, but have you considered working nightshifts? You'd get to sleep during school hours and spend the evenings with your family. Which would be great if the schools didn't insist on having holidays...

Monday, July 13, 2009 10:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never had insomnia, so I can't really offer any advice. It just sucks. A lot. Sorry, hon! I think the nap with an alarm is a good idea.

Or booze.

Although, I like books, so maybe I can get something out of your misery. I like light hearted, nothing too heavy 'cause I live in a heavy world. Whatcha got for me?

Monday, July 13, 2009 11:09:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

Ah gah. I get this, oh boy do I get this.

I feel this exact same way right now.

Monday, July 13, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Trueself said...

Only thing that works for me is to work Sudoku puzzles (well, that's my current puzzle addiction, but other number puzzles work too) after I get in bed. Something about working puzzles quiets my mind and allows me to drift away. Then if I wake up in the night and can't just roll over and go back to sleep I work another puzzle or two.

As always, your mileage may vary.

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger The Estrogen Commitee said...

3 mg of melatonin...works everytime and no hangover!

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I was gonna offer you something to help you sleep, but ciii beat me to it.

I feel your pain, FADKOG ...good night.

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Sleep well, Invisible Internet Friend.

Not right now, that is - I assume it is also the lunch hour up there, which might make it sticky for falling asleep purposes - but you know what I mean. I have a few friends struggling with insomnia, and it sounds like the absolute worst. I'm sorry.

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:47:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I sooo sympathize with you sweetie. I've been dealing with it for 15 years. Some weeks are good, sometimes I can't sleep for a month straight. Wish I could offer some advice, the only thing that has helped at all is cutting out the caffeine. I've been loathe to try the prescription stuff because I'm terrified I'll sleep walk, it runs in my family.

Monday, July 13, 2009 12:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

I'm with those recommending Tylenol pm; it's gentle and works. You must sleep or everything will fall apart.

Monday, July 13, 2009 2:31:00 PM  
Blogger Angela said...

whenever i really need to sleep i can't.... i can't think about business or just think before going to bed. else, i will be up all night thinking. i will try to sit quietly breathing in and out for about 5 to 10 minutes before going to bed. this helps me quite a bit.

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:09:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I have no advice. I usually sleep well - but when I don't, I find that NOTHING works. People say exercise helps?

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:11:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I feel for you, not being able to sleep is just the worst thing. I used to have problems both falling to sleep and getting a good night sleep, suffering from mild Sleep Apnea, a friend of mine told me about the LiveWave Silent Night patches, it worked wonders for me, I like it because nothing goes into my body and I sleep through the night without any problems and the great thing is that you can use them for kids as well.

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:44:00 PM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

I second Always Home and Uncool. Have you tried asking his wife for a little something something?

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:52:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

girl! that is so sad! i want to cry! ne me quitte pas, sweet sleep.

do you have a game plan? chamomile tea at bedtime? pills? for some reason i always sleep really well when i try to watch 'gone with the wind' in black and white.

hubs plays some iphone app that is this trace-like music that is supposed to set your brain waves for sleep. i sleep great- but i don't have a problem with sleep. my problem is waking up.

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

i just read your comments - i think FTN has it going on. that sounds like a great plan.

and in regards to some other advice i read ... thc is not good because it helps you fall asleep initially but you will wake up at 2:22 and 3:33 and 5:55, etc. not good for staying asleep. trust me, i know this from experience.

same thing with wine. one glass might get you to sleep but it takes a bottle or two to stay asleep.

Monday, July 13, 2009 3:59:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

It's not wrong to habitually take Tylenol PM every night, is it? Damn, I hope not. No, it does not guarantee you not waking up again, but I have found if I have to get up for the kids or something that it is enough for me to go BACK to sleep.

Other then that, I think what works for kids is good for adults - a good bedtime routine to get your body AND mind ready for sleep. Wishing you sweet dreams!

Monday, July 13, 2009 5:02:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Did you know that lack of sleep was used as a form of torture? Lots of things happen when you don't get enough sleep, and none of them are good. Try some sleepy time tea before bed. No TV in the bedroom. I've even heard to just use the bed to sleep (well, and that OTHER thing) but not to read. But if reading helps make you tired, I say, go for it. Hope you get sleepy soon!

Monday, July 13, 2009 5:43:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I'm right there with ya. Even though I don't work those crappy night shifts anymore, I still don't sleep properly. Gravol works...or Benadryl. But really what I'd like, and I'm sure you would too, is a nice drug free slumber where you dreamt of Jonas brothers and 80s movies.

Get someone to hit you hard enough to knock you out?

Monday, July 13, 2009 7:52:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I really struggle with sleep and I have all my life that I can remember. Sometimes magnesium supplements help settle. Also, if you can go for a long walk at some point in the day, that can help, too. Get in a dark room and turn on a fan. Count sheep. Or if you're me, name all the state capitols.

Monday, July 13, 2009 10:00:00 PM  
Blogger Chibi said...

I could have written this entry myself (in fact I have, over on my old LJ account -- and many, many more (and whinier) entries). Not being able to sleep sucks the hairiest of donkey balls because you KNOW you need to sleep and you WANT it SO BAD, but the harder you try, the more it eludes you. I've tried everything under the sun and nothing seems to work past day three.

You have my heart-felt sympathy. Insomnia blows. *hugs*

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 12:14:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I love the way you wrote this. It's perfect.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 8:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Sam said...

For over a month I had a really hard time falling asleep so I had a Smirnoff Ice (or two) before I went to bed. I guess I figured even rehab would be better than being exhausted all of the time.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 12:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Bee said...

I feel like I haven't slept well since 1983. I hope you eventually did get some rest.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 1:41:00 PM  
Blogger Organic Meatbag said...

Ooooof...that's rough...it's kind of like being so hungry that you can barely eat anything... and I know that if I am food and sleep deprived, I am a real bastard...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 2:28:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Ok, if all those strange musical run-ins we've had on Chag's Nameless Twitter Radio Show weren't enough to prove we are actually the same person...I was wide awake at 3:45 (EXACTLY) Sunday night too. Tried to go back to sleep but the mass murderer who was wandering around my house making strange noises (the rest of the family calls her the cat) kept me awake the rest of the night. Hate that!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 3:15:00 PM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

A glass or two of wine does it for me every time. Or Tylenol PM. Or Xanax. Or all of the above. Wait, maybe I have a problem...you shouldn't listen to me.

I hope you get some sleep soon. I am not getting sleep right now because my daughter is torturing me by screaming all night long, so I feel your pain.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 4:05:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

Feel for ya. Maybe ya need to get out town. If that is not an option go for a few bottles (did I say bottles) of wine. Good luck.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 8:45:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I agree:

no reading,
no computer
no eating

before bed.

and Yes, Tylenol PM if all else fails.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 2:40:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Insomnia sucks. I'm really sorry.

I've had it at various times, all those thoughts and words and stresses bouncing around in your head at 3:33 a.m. that drift away during the daylight hours. The notebook thing helps me, have you tried? You put a book and pen by your bed and write whatever is swirling in your head down, just short notes. Also, don't dread bedtime, go to bed early with a glass of wine and something light and boring to read.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

i heard someone made special brownies. Am I too late?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger JennyMac said...

rough....but I agree with a little Tylenol PM. Good luck.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 7:15:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

HELLO AMBIEN. Which is the greatest drug in the world.
My homeopath knows what it means when you wake up the same time every night, the different times have different meanings.
Spooky & awesome at the same time.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 9:12:00 AM  

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