...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, July 06, 2009

guess who's back, back again. fadkog's back, tell a friend

In the immortal words of the poet David Lee Roth, I heard you missed me! I'm back!

At least I hope most of you missed me. I'm not so sure about a couple of you who apparently used my absence to sneak away from subscribing to my blog. I know, I know. It's not you, it's me, yada, yada, yada. Was it that time I mentioned my kick ass rack that did it for you? Or maybe it was when I alluded to Tool Man offing me to collect my life insurance policy? Suffice to say, Tool Man didn't off me at all last week, my rack is still intact, and, oh yes, I missed you all like the desert misses the rain.

You're probably wondering how I had so much time to miss you all during my marvelous brokecation (Which, wow, let me just say time really does fly when you're having fun! Science? Cross that theory off your list!). Well, let me give you a little tip. When you and your beloved are discussing vacations and you then subsequently put in your time off request at work, make sure your beloved is aware that he (or she, but in this case he) is ALSO supposed to request time off. Both of you being free and unconstrained by this thing called life over the same period of days is really going to make your vacation a heck of a lot more conducive to things like family bonding if, in fact, family bonding is on the list of sights you want to check out (after you've shot down things like explore caves and visit the world's most boring museum on the list of suggested activities).

Because let's just say I found out last Monday morning that my Tool Man didn't ask for time off last week after all and for a moment or twenty, in my mind, I was totally pawing through our files of important papers to see just how much life insurance we took out on him last year and starting to watch reruns of CSI:It's Everywhere to determine if there's such a thing as the perfect crime. Alas, rest assured, I discovered the answers to my questions were (1) probably not enough and (2) apparently not. It's a good thing I'm not much into nature because seriously, for a couple of days, I wasn't a happy camper!

So onto the next thing on your list, which is wondering what I did all last week with my fantastic boys while we enjoyed our brokecation. The following is just a sampling of the fun we had:
  • Enjoyed a delightful picnic and visited the zoo.
  • Considered beginning adoption proceedings for the neighbor boy whose at my house constantly.
  • Took the boys swimming most days. My favorite day was the one when a lady sat near me and pulled out her bible, bible study materials, bowed silently in a moment of prayer, then answered her cell phone and proceeded to scream obscenities to the person calling her. Amen.
  • The preceding priceless moment was topped, however, the following day when, as I was leaving the library, I bore witness to a man standing under a shade tree across the street who had stripped down to a jock strap, and, because it seemed so shockingly urban for such a thing to be occurring in the suburbs, I did a circle around the block to be sure my weary eyes hadn't deceived me. Answer? No, they had not. Jock. Strap.
  • Did craft projects with the boys. What can you do with a few empty Pringles cans, some cat litter, pipe cleaners, and paint? More than you could ever imagine!
  • Read three books. One was good, one was just another collection of the same old thing packaged in a pretty cover, and one was god awful.
  • Learned that Kevin Jonas got engaged. You'll be pleased to know I handled this news without rending of garments, gnashing of teeth, or pulling of hair. Much the same way I did when, back in the days when I wasn't a cougar and it seemed far more logical for me to be all agog about a boy band, I learned Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran was to marry a woman from near where I live. Kevin feels like the default Jonas. Would I have wept had I learned it was Joe who got engaged? I'll never say. Suffice to say, however, when Simon LeBon married, I was a wreck, so I think you know the answer.
  • Had a dream I had sex with Jon Gosselin, and I wish I was kidding, but alas, no, I'm not. Apparently, in my dream life, I find Ed Hardy wear and mid-life crisis ear piercings totally sexy, and also, while Jon may deny to the tabloids that he has ever used the word "babe" in his life, suffice to say that, in my dreams, he says it way too much. I also just shuddered (again) sharing this part of my life with you.

It was a busy week, and we were able to fit Tool Man into the action over the weekend when he was finally free, when we did decidedly 'boy things' like spent SIX HOURS AT AN ARCADE, which would have been tolerable had a trio of high school boys not taken the damn Dance Dance Revolution game hostage the entire time, busting their sweet dance moves while taking turns videotaping themselves for their MySpace pages and pretending I wasn't standing there wanting (nay - NEEDING!) to dance because let me repeat - we spent SIX HOURS AT AN ARCADE.

So now it's Monday and that means I'm back to the taxing task of my stressful work life. Four hours a night, three nights a week?! Don't ask me how I do it! It also means my Tool Man is on vacation for a few days, and that whole thing about crawling through caves? About an hour ago, he and the boys left to travel across the state to do just that. They'll also stay overnight in a hotel and enjoy a few more adventures tomorrow before making their way home. Fueled with a cocktail of powdered sugar donuts (which will later be infused with a variety of Lunchables, beef jerky, licorice, nuclear orange peanut butter crackers, salted nut rolls, and juice boxes)(because nothing gives you stamina for hiking and exploring in Iowa's armpit-like weather like unnatural food products), my youngest son sped around the house this morning looking for his sneakers and yelling about how ENSHOESIASTIC he was for the adventure.

I just realized that maybe there was something scarily prophetic about my 'Sex With Jon Gosselin' dream (can't wait for the Google searches that land here because of that) as Tool Man and I totally just pulled a Jon and Kate this week and will be living separate lives. Except, how exciting, I'll be doing his laundry while he's away! I'll bet Kate washed her hands of that task the first moment Jon came home drunk (allegedly) and excited at getting a young girl to smile at him. I would've the first time he showed me those Ed Hardy jeans, but whatever.

Anyway, this post is all over the place. Probably because I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep I got last night dwelling on how I have to stay alive through tonight while alone in the house, something I've only done twice before in all the time we've lived here, and I'm not so sure that second time wasn't just because an intruder or Bigfoot just took pity on me as I huddled up in bed with the covers up over my head and a bathroom light blazing in the hallway. I'd also find it acceptable to blame it on my head compensating for the utter (and yet surprisingly delightful) silence around here. Silence I must now go break up by turning on the washing machine. Assuming I survive this night, I'll be around to catch up with you as soon as possible. Let us never be away from each other this long ever again!

Labels:

55 Comments:

Anonymous Sam said...

If it makes you feel any better, I had a sex dream about Bret Michaels.
I'm so ashamed.

Monday, July 06, 2009 10:53:00 AM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Is it worrisome that when I read the Jonas engagement news, I thought of you?

Welcome back, jock straps, nice rack & all!

Monday, July 06, 2009 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

So basically - you took vacation time to be a stay at home mom. Awesome.

I would just be glad that you are not involved in the caverns outing. Maybe stay at a hotel tonight? I love hotels. I order room service and leave the TV on all night. Oh - I miss my work travel days sometimes...

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Jon Gosselin? That's a tough break. I happen to look back fondly on the series of sex dreams I had about Simon Cowell. There's something about that block shaped head that revs my engine.

Enoy your time alone. The key is to plan your escape route before bed, keep a phone nearby and plant at least one knife and one golf club in strategic locations. You should be OK.

Glad you're back!

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:08:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I'm rather fascinated by the Bible-woman screaming obscenities in her cell phone. That's just cringe-inducing comedy, there.

Did you get a picture of jock strap guy?

I'm also rather bothered that you and the hubs are taking separate brokecations. How lame is that? Surely he didn't do that on purpose, did he? I'd be bugging him about that one.

We missed you terribly. So did Missouri.

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger calicobebop said...

Missed you!

Aside from the freaky dream (and bad news about K.J.'s love life) sounds like you had a super time! Hope all of your batteries are recharged!

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I had sex with Randy Jackson. IN A DREAM, PEOPLE.



(i'm so ashamed)

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:43:00 AM  
OpenID mommygeekology said...

I also had a strange sex dream, last night. Also, it was mixed with a BlogHer nightmare. It was horrible!

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Evil Twin Sister said...

The teen boys doing the DDR...? Yep, they were totally showing off for you 'cause they thought you were a MILF who was staring at them because you WANTED THEM!
HAhahaha!
They thought the angst-y looks were left over from "your generation", but you to-tally wanted them.

(That little thought popped up in my head and I just
KNEW you wanted to hear it too.)
=-)

Monday, July 06, 2009 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Your Bible lady reminds me of the time Molly and I were on a bicycle tour, which found us pedaling down some back-country road on a Sunday morning - several hundred of us, just to set the correct mental picture. So, as back-country roads go, we were a LOT of bicycles. . .

And apparently, somewhere along this back-country road was a church. And one of its members was most displeased to find hundreds of bicyclists impeding his progress toward his place of worship. So, as he made his way down the road (slower, mind you, than he planned to be, because of our presence, combined with the occasional vehicle in the oncoming lane), he most lovingly leaned on his horn. For mile after mile, while flipping us all off collectively with his hand out the window. Dressed in his Sunday best, with wife and kids in the car, dressed in their own Sunday best.

You know, you just can't make up stuff like that. . .

Monday, July 06, 2009 12:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Tonya said...

I normally don't leave comments on peoples blogs I read but this one made me laugh out loud or LOL at my desk. You are my blog hero and hope my blog can one day live up to your blog!! Love it!

Monday, July 06, 2009 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

Jock strap. Wow. For your sake, I hope he was doing lots of lunges.

(What'd you read, btw?)

Monday, July 06, 2009 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

As much as I love libraries, they do seem to attract the weirdos. I love your dream. I once had sex with Johnny Resnick (GooGoo Dolls) in a dream. He was good!

Monday, July 06, 2009 12:51:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I just hope the cat litter you did craft projects with was new.

Please tell me it was new.

Monday, July 06, 2009 1:04:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Well, Kate, ooops I mean FADKOG, I have several escape plans mapped out b/c apparently I have had more time alone than you at night in my house...stash a convenient knife, unlock the window closest to you (unless you're on the first floor) and you're all set! And what the hell, tool man? opposite weeks of vacation-no, no, no!!!

Monday, July 06, 2009 1:10:00 PM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Did it all start with Jon offering to show you where his hair plugs came from?

Monday, July 06, 2009 1:22:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Gosselin? Really? I don't know if that's better or worse than your Jonas brothers obsession.

Better I guess. In a weird way.

Loved the trip down lyric memory lane and did ya know Glass Tiger is Canadian.

Monday, July 06, 2009 1:23:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I guess it just goes to show how old-lady I am...I have better 'winning the lottery' dreams than sex dreams - or more memorable anyway.

oh well...

Monday, July 06, 2009 1:52:00 PM  
Blogger A Lawyer Mom's Musings said...

Enjoy your time alone tonight. And who knows? If you turn out the bathroom light, maybe you'll get that Bradley Cooper guy from Hang-over this time.

Monday, July 06, 2009 2:05:00 PM  
Blogger Immoral Matriarch said...

These comments are very disturbing to me...almost as much as the main post. :P

I missed you!

Monday, July 06, 2009 2:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Wow, now that's what I call a Post. John Gosselin? So sorry. I once, no, twice, dreamt about Ashton Kutcher. Much better, but to each her own.
Here's hoping you survive your night alone in the house; we want more fun posts! Thanks.

Monday, July 06, 2009 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

oh sweet fadkog (that sounds naughty) how i missed thee and thine unbridled ramblings.

so good to see you round these parts again.

am very proud of you for admitting your sex dream with jon gosselin. now you may proceed to the next level of your twelve step program... and i forgive you, in case you were wondering - but you probably weren't since you didn't do anything to render forgiveness.

i had a dream last night that hubs and i went to a rock concert and i was called onstage bc i apparently secretly married but never divorced the bass player back in 1997 but i didn't remember since i was barely sober in 1997. hubs left me and i went to a dirty bathroom to cry and try to pee in a urinal but peed on my feet.

apparently coming off of antidepressants does weird things to my dream life

Monday, July 06, 2009 3:23:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Well, that sounds like a lovely week...and frighteningly similar to what I do most weeks.

Are they going to Niagra Caves? I remember going there as a kid. I should take my kids sometime.

Also, I have dreamed of Tom Selleck, Anthony from the Wiggles and Vince Vaughn. I don't know which is the worst of that lot. Thank goodness they were seperate dreams eh?

Monday, July 06, 2009 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm currently trying to work out how I'm going to spend my two weeks off with Helena. From your list, I've selected one thing - going to the zoo. I'm not sure I like sound of the others...

Monday, July 06, 2009 3:57:00 PM  
Blogger Betsey Booms said...

Jon Gosselin.

Huh.

I wonder what a therapist would say about that one.

Monday, July 06, 2009 5:09:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Gah, I totally think of you, too, whenever the Jonas brothers are mentioned.

I always forget to tell my husband when to take his vacation time. He always has to ask me, repeatedly.

Monday, July 06, 2009 5:11:00 PM  
Blogger Chris Wood said...

The old Bible student yelling obscenities ... just made my day :-)

Monday, July 06, 2009 5:12:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I suppose you didn't have the chance to introduce bible-study-obscenity yelling lady to jock-strap-man?

That's a match, I just feel it...

Monday, July 06, 2009 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

Tell me more about the guy in the jock strap - I want DETAILS!!

Don't worry about having sex with with Jon Gosselin. I have sex all the time with other men - in my DREAMS, PEOPLE! As a matter of fact, it's RARE that I'm with my hubby! LOL!

Monday, July 06, 2009 6:13:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

a post that's all over the place??? perfect.

the dream about Jon? I'm a little creeped out by it.

Monday, July 06, 2009 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

I hope that bible thumping obscenity screaming lady is not teaching vacation bible school this week, or my girls will be learning some new words that I haven't introduced yet. Then again, maybe not.

Have you done the "I have the whole house to myself" dance yet? I did this morning. It was so nice ...

Monday, July 06, 2009 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Is it sad that your brokecation sounds fun to me?

Monday, July 06, 2009 9:39:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I'm really REALLY glad you are back but honestly, was that full disclosure of your John Gosselin dream necessary? I THINK NOT.

Welcome back FADKOG, the internetz Google Web machine is a better place for having you in it!!

Monday, July 06, 2009 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

It wasn't Bigfoot last night it was me, sorry I got thirsty sitting outside and had to come in for a sip of water. Don't worry I washed up and put the cup away. I always try to be a good house guest.

Jock Strap? Really?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 4:00:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

This is all sorts of awesome! I'm a little worried I might dream about Jon Gosselin wearing a jock strap screaming obscenities about the Jonas Brothers tonight...

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 7:39:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Glad to have you back! Sounds like you guys had quite the brokecation!

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 9:19:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

I am embarrassed for dream life FADKOG.

but happy you are back.

breaking the kevin jonas news to emily, not fun, but better than it would have been had it been JOE.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, at least you didn't get lost in a cave. I worried.

I feel ya on being home alone. I HATE it with the flames of a thousand fiery suns. Hate it! Sometimes I like to leave the t.v. on when I go to bed just for company. Then I freak myself out when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and realize that I can hear someone TALKING IN THE LIVING ROOM HOLY CRAP..oh wait, it's the t.v. Fun times.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger Mad Woman said...

Humph.

And here the only guys I can get to pop into my dreams lately are Waldorf & Statler. WTF?

Tuesday, July 07, 2009 10:38:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I will admit...I think Jon Gosselin is pretty damn hot! lol I know, I know..I will go pry my nails off 1 by 1 now...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 12:13:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

i find your jon gosselin dream the most disturbing part of the week. it makes near orange peanut butter crackers look delicious by comparison.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 8:17:00 AM  
Blogger Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I fully expect pictures of those craft projects. I'm fostering 5 cats for a shelter and could swim in cat litter.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 9:04:00 AM  
Blogger zelzee said...

Actually, I was able to follow your post 'all over the place'.

Scary.......
Not as scary as the Jon dream, but scary none the less...........

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 11:22:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

The JockStrap is the latest thing in the clubs...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 12:47:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

As another commenter said, when I heard the Jonas engagement news, I totally thought of you, FADKOG. (Well, actually I thought I heard Moaning and Screams Of Despair emanating from the Midwest...I figured it was you.)

However, my invitation to drive down, sleep on my couch, and go to their concert here in August still stands!

I'm not having any shaming sex dreams. I'm so ashamed...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Cat litter? What can you do with cat litter?

Missed you!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 1:34:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I, too, have been busy enjoying brokecation and I thought of you the moment I heard of Kevin Jonas' engagement. And again while standing in a never ending line at Great America while trying not to pass out in 90 degree heat and watching the repeating loop of Jonas Brothers music videos. I would have happily traded lives with you in that moment- except for the whole Jon Gosselin thing-Eww.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

I'm so late to comment - I hope you weren't attacked by BigFoot or anything.

And I totally thought of you when I heard that the Jonas boy was engaged! See how much you have infiltrated my life!!

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 5:43:00 PM  
Blogger creative-type dad said...

Six hours? Crazy. Just crazy...

Wednesday, July 08, 2009 11:14:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

I am very curious about the cat litter craft.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I promise you, THIS is the post that I'll come back to and respond to comments. I've been out of it for far too long, and there's a lot of stuff going on in life around here, but I swear I'll get back on this horse soon...

Thursday, July 09, 2009 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

No you won't. Stop your silly lies.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

What FTN said. . .

Thursday, July 09, 2009 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

What? You didn't go to Pioneer Village?!
Well that's the last time I ever give YOU advice!!!
Glad you had fun anyway, and hope you get to enjoy the silence before your guys come back.

(I too went right to you when I heard about the Jonas engagement.)

Saturday, July 11, 2009 8:57:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I missed you! But, that was mainly because I haven't been reading due to a little sleep ruiner that showed up around here a few days ago.

I still love your all over the place posts and OH MY, am with you 100% in the last paragraph. I hate being in my house alone at night. HATE. Positive something horrid and supernatural suddenly lives in it with me.

Saturday, July 11, 2009 11:19:00 PM  

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