vacation all i ever wanted it, vacation had to stay at home

Usually at this point in the summer, you're forced to read posts about my exciting journeys to the depths of Missouri, and by 'forced' I mean 'entranced,' because, as you can tell by my previous post, I'm filled with wonderful tales of whimsy, delight, and now obvious desperation, that you WANT to read things here. To FORCE you to read about my exotic travels to the Show Me (A Good Time, Dammit) state would mean linking them all here, and to be honest, I'm just too lazy. If you are one who hasn't read any of what I will one day publish as Misery (not to be confused by the book of the same name by one-time horror master Stephen King), just type Missouri into that little 'search this blog' box.

By the way, no offense Missouri. As I've said before, you are home to many of my friends, my alma mater, and the burial place of my virginity. You and I are solid, my friendly neighbor to the south.

Seriously, after all that chit chat up there, I should have just linked all the previous posts...

Anyway, this year, when the topic of driving hours and hours with my Mom and sons to my sister's home near St. Louis came up, I put my foot down and said, "Meh." In case you didn't pause to search out my tales of travel woe (and I know you people, so don't lie to me and say you did), my sister's idea of a great Chamber of Commerce trip to St. Louis means visiting Target multiple times a day. Every day. It used to mean 'that was so much fun I wanna ride it again and again!' adventures to Wal Mart, but since her town got a spankin' new Super Target (moment of reverence for the Great Red Bullseye), our adventures happen sooner, with just a stroll down the street.

In case you're wondering if there's anything special at a St. Louis-area Super Target that can not be found at any Iowa-based Target, super or not, the answer is no. Well, except for that one time I found those Hershey's 100 Calorie Snack Packs with the little Reece's Pieces in them, and my Mom was all, "Do you really think you need that candy?" and I was all, "IT'S TECHNICALLY NOT CANDY!! IT'S A 100 CALORIE SNACK PACK!! GET OFF MY BACK, WOMAN!!!" right there in the snack food aisle. Then I might have cried and ate all six bags that came in the box, thus defeating the point of 100 Calorie Snack Packs in less than five minutes and not, as you might imagine, showing my Mom who is the boss of me now. What. Ever.

Anyway, back to the point I was trying to make when I said "Meh." After I said that, I added, "If going there means doing nothing but going to Target every day, I think I'll just stay home and save that extra penny in sales tax I'd spend there (because you know as well as I it's impossible to leave a Target empty handed) and apply it to our family vacation fund."

So that's what Tool Man and I are presently doing. We figure we have enough saved up now to walk across our yard. Based on the number of rabbits presently feasting in the area, we'll tell the boys it's a safari, and if we're lucky, a feral cat will wander over from the new development area down the street. I guess this is what people mean when they say they are taking a staycation. I'm renaming it a "This Is What It's Like To Be Brokecation." Look kids! There's the neighbor's dog barking at the fence! It's just like going to the zoo, only all the animals are actually awake! Yippee!

Actually, my Tool Man and I are so rarely in the same place at the same time with these kids we made when we were in the same places at the same time that we're having a difficult time coming up with ideas of things to do as a family. Yesterday, he suggested we drive several hours from here and explore some type of caves, and I stared at him blankly, then asked if there would be bugs there, or perhaps Lost Boys, which, that part I'd be OK with, but not the bugs, so basically, he fell under the immediate impression that didn't excite me, and then I saw him scratch "go swimming at your aunt and uncle's pond" from the list, which shouldn't have been there in the first place because when I married him, I told him I don't put this body into anything where other things live. It's like he doesn't even know me, but that's a blog post for another day and this one is getting out of hand already.

This planning something fun for us all to do is like work, which it shouldn't be because work is work and our work doesn't net us enough for anything but a brokecation. Later today, I may break out the photos of the times Tool Man and I enjoyed trips to Disney, both Land AND World, and guilt the children when they ask where the photos with them in the Mickey Mouse ears are and I respond with, "This was before you came along! Back when Mom and Dad were carefree and financially solvent." Or I'll take them mini golfing. Either way, the point I'm trying to make here is I'm taking a little family break this week and I'm going to try to not be around these crazy Internets much. Maybe I'll get inspired and try to dig up some old posts that were hardly read. Or maybe I'll still be mini golfing. And if a few weeks go by and you've still not seen me around, please, I beg you, contact my local authorities and ask them to search every Iowa cave masquerading as a tourist destination, because there's a pretty good chance Tool Man's going to lure me to one anyway and he may try to hide my body there. That life insurance policy we took out on my last July will likely fund a pretty fantastic family vacation.

p.s. - Missouri, in case you're reading, fear not. I already feel guilty, so look for me around Labor Day.