...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

good bye, good bye, good bye.

In a few minutes, my husband and I are leaving and heading to a church about 40 miles away. It's the same large church we were at to celebrate Shawn's life, and today, we're there again to say goodbye to his widow and our friend, Penny. The pain she felt this past year since Shawn unexpectedly passed away was not something those of us around here were unaware of, but the depth of it? The power it had over her when all of us who loved her couldn't be with her? Unimaginable. I don't believe I can say at this point in my own life that I can understand what it must have felt like to be her these last months, but I can say - even with grief so fresh and a heart so broken - that I don't feel angry at her, Penny, for the choice she made.

I'm not sure that makes sense. Very little right now feels like it does.

But back to the beginning of this post. We're leaving in a few minutes, and when we arrive, we'll be surrounded by friends, as well as those whose only connection to us is that they, too, knew and loved our Penny, and after we huddle together and feel sad in our moment, we'll then turn to her boys and we'll do all we can to protect and love them. Right now, that's the simplest, most necessary thing we can do.

I can, however, take just a moment and say thank you to all of you. Thank you. Thank you for reading, thank you for your words, and thank you for your prayers. I want to respond to each of you, but, in all honesty, since writing of Penny's death on Sunday afternoon, aside from a few moments scattered here and there, I simply turned the computer off and did not look toward it. It was a gift, then, to open my emails late last night and know there are people out there extending a hand or thought toward me, as well as Penny's family. What a world. When I can, you'll hear from me.

Right now, I'm ready to join my friends and church family - many of whom will be wearing their most amazing shoes and sporting pink, which were, on a list that also included her family and working with and advocating for people with disabilities, Penny's most favorite things in the world. "Never, ever let anyone tell you a redhead can't wear pink," she once told me. I'm nowhere near the redhead my dear friend was, but every time I slip into pink, I think of her words. Always will. I thank her for them.

And I thank you all, too.


Anonymous Mandy said...

Thinking of you today on what is here, Remembrance Day.

Hugs, pink hairbands, and kisses to you.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

My thoughts are with you.

That just sucks.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 1:01:00 PM  
Anonymous mommygeekology said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Your anger is not uncommon... truly.

Hugs and prayers to you, your family and your friends on this sad day.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 1:16:00 PM  
Blogger Mama Bub said...

I am just so sick about this whole situation that I am 100% not even involved in. I'm sorry you're right in the middle of it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Prayers for you, tis brings back memories...

Thursday, November 11, 2010 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I feel terrible for you and all of the others dealing with this loss... Much love to you friend.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 2:05:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Praying for you. And her boys. Any idea what their future holds?

I totally get the anger thing. I remember, after my late SIL's suicide, Jen just sitting there one night, saying, "What the heck did you go and do that for?"


Whenever, you know, you need one. . .

Thursday, November 11, 2010 3:20:00 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

sending love to you right now.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 4:33:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa @ Lisa Moves said...

my prayers for you and her boys.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 4:40:00 PM  
Blogger Possum said...

I really dont think I have any shoes that qualify as amazing but I do have the red hair so I shall be wearing pink for you and for her boys....

Thursday, November 11, 2010 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

Thinking of you all today and sending some virtual hugs too.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 5:32:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

What a horrible, horrible typo...I DON'T feel angry AT Penny for the choice she made. I just don't.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 6:40:00 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Big hugs for peace and comfort to you and to Penny's boys. My heart aches for all of you.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

You will be in my thoughts today. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:07:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

I'm glad you are wearing pink. I'm glad you were there for Penny. That doesn't make the loss any easier, but I'm still glad.

Thursday, November 11, 2010 7:48:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

From a mom of 2 redheads who always wear pink, lots of love, FADKOG.

Friday, November 12, 2010 7:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending love and hugs!

Friday, November 12, 2010 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

I cried when I read you post about her. And told my husband, too. I hope you were able to celebrate her in style.


Friday, November 12, 2010 8:28:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. NO ONE knows what Penny was experiencing. We may wonder how she could do what she did when she has two small children; but we do NOT know the depth of her sorrow and depression.

Friday, November 12, 2010 8:44:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

My heart is breaking for all of you as I read this, including Penny, what pain she must have been in.
Sending prayers and healing for your community and her boys.

I remember your post last year, and I'm so very sad to read this a year later.

Lot's of Love FADKOG.

Saturday, November 13, 2010 8:35:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

I really have nothing to say other than that I am so sorry.

So very sorry.

Saturday, November 13, 2010 9:42:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

sorry to be late getting here once again. i hope the gathering was a time in which those who were remm=embering penny were able to find strength in each other's presence that seemed to elude her. may she rest in peace. may her boys find the healing, the love, and the circle of caring family and friends that they need.

and more hugs to you.

Saturday, November 13, 2010 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger Marinka said...

I'm thinking of you. So , so sorry.

Sunday, November 14, 2010 5:46:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Just saying, prayers & thoughts continuing for you all-

Sunday, November 14, 2010 6:48:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

You are all truly lovely people, and anything I could say to each of you would not be enough, but please just let me say thank you to all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I honestly appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, November 14, 2010 4:12:00 PM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

I am so so sorry. Love and hugs to you.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:31:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

You have been in my heart since I read your Penny post. No words then; very few now. Just thoughts and prayers for all who're left behind. I am so very sorry for your loss.

Friday, November 19, 2010 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

I hope her soul has peace - and in time, yours...

Saturday, November 20, 2010 10:17:00 AM  

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