...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

'oh your reputation is so golden. you're never lonely and you're never home.'

So, for the sake of discussion, let's say you recently learned that your spouse, who travels for his or her job and is away from home two to three nights a week, was, on occasion, catching up with an old friend of the opposite sex while they were away. Would you:

(a) Be fine with it.
(b) I mean really fine.
(c) Like, seriously, it's good. It's fine. What's the big deal?

OK then, for the sake of further discussion, what if this person of the opposite sex was someone your spouse harbored a longstanding crush on that eventually, oh, ha ha ha ha, led to them dating for a time more than two decades ago. Would you:

(a) Still be fine with it.
(b) I mean really fine.
(c) Like, seriously, it's good. It was 25 years ago. Is that a molehill I see?

OK, but what if you found out about these meetings not because your spouse told you about them, but rather because you had to use their computer for a bit because yours crashed and your child, the one you had with your spouse, had a major homework assignment due the next day, and, hours later, when the two of you had finally finished, you went to log onto your Facebook account to lament how you wasted an entire night researching post-Communist Poland, but discovered your spouse's Facebook account was logged in so, rather than logging off without a thought, you went into his messages and, sure, you felt bad about doing it, your seriously did, but you're married to someone who doesn't even curse let alone robs banks, so what could they possibly have to hide, and you see a message from said longtime acquaintance so you click on it and then - THEN! - you discover your hard working, gone two to three nights a week spouse has been carrying on not just a flirty but a super flirty conversation string with this longtime acquaintance and the more you read, the angrier you become and, as you look at the dates you wonder, "Hey, how long has my marriage been less than stellar? Three years? Well, look at that..." Would you:

(A) Still be fine with it. Honestly?
(B) Lose your shit and/or mind.
(C) Write a super passive aggressive post about it.

Can you guess my answer?



Anonymous Anonymous said...

i used to always guess C when i wasn't sure on a quiz but...wow.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011 9:47:00 PM  
Blogger msprimadonna67 said...

Oh wow...I'm am so sorry. Bad situation, even worse way to find out. I hope you find resolution.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011 9:49:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Oh, my dear, I am so sorry. . .

Sounds like you and yer Tool Man have got some catching up to do. . .

You'll be in my prayers. . .

Wednesday, November 09, 2011 9:50:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Ouch... that's rough, I'm sending hugs & you're in my prayers

Thursday, November 10, 2011 12:17:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I can't believe how many stories like this I'm hearing regarding the old FB. Very sorry, FADKOG. We are here for you.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 6:11:00 AM  
Blogger The Lady's Lounge said...

I'm not going to lie.
I felt a little pang of ouch reading this.
Not fine
Not even a little bit

Big Hug.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 6:17:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Oh damn. That's not good. Did you pick b AND c?!

Thursday, November 10, 2011 6:45:00 AM  
Blogger Leandra said...

Yeah, I'm going to go with B and C on this one.

I don't even know what to say other than that except that I'm super sorry. As always, my email is open and so are my ears if you want to talk. I, too, have been in this situation, so I have a little experience if you want to talk.


Thursday, November 10, 2011 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa @ Lisa Moves said...

or d) Have a love's garage sale of all of his belongings on the front lawn?

I'd be super pissed. And I'm sorry you had to find out that way. Sending you some virtual hugs.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 7:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Cat said...

was going to tell you about a similar experience on my end, but that likely won't help. Virtual hugs from me, too. I'm sorry.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 7:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Balls. That sucks. I'm sending virtual hugs, too. And also I can beat people up for you if necessary.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 8:38:00 AM  
Anonymous LilSass said...

I am so so SO sorry. Its not as simple as 'blaming' FB for this, but my parents (who had their share of struggles) got divorced after 38 fuck!ng years after a little someone named dad reached out to his high school flame. Yeah. You can imagine how neat the past 4 years of our lives have been.

I am so so sorry.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

oh dear. oh fadkog, i'm sorry to hear this. truly i am.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

This sucks. I'm so, so sorry.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh I am so sorry... Are you going to write a passive aggressive follow up post to let us know that you're okay? Either way - I'll be thinking about you!

Thursday, November 10, 2011 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Just Two Chicks said...

B... for sure B... Although in our situation it would be over an acquaintance of the same sex, but I would lose it without even processing anything first. I'm one who holds onto things that bother me, and then let loose later, but this wouldn't be one of those situations. Good luck... seriously! Don't be passive!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Uh, Oh!
Not fine - there are those who know how to be friends with the opposite sex, but most do not.....

Thursday, November 10, 2011 3:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

D) leave a post on his Facebook that simply says "I know".

Wow. I don't have words .......

Thursday, November 10, 2011 5:36:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Since you didn't have murderous rampage as one of your choices, I'm going to have to say D) None of the above. Not okay by a long, long, loooong shot girl.

Thursday, November 10, 2011 6:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Mandy G. said...

It's not even a little bit okay. I'm so sorry.

Friday, November 11, 2011 10:41:00 AM  
Blogger Possum said...

Completely and utterly Inappropriate!!! If its being kept a secret it is off sides!! Dear god I know EXACTLY what you are going through.
What sticks in my craw is that every single woman will react this way yet there she is carrying on with your husband.
Instead of us telling just you what we think I dare you to let us tell HER. I would name her and shame her all over the damned internet. I also agree with Xavier and when you leave a message on his facebook saying that you know...copy her in on it.
Okay now I need to go and calm down.

Saturday, November 12, 2011 3:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

this is why Facebook is the devil.


Saturday, November 12, 2011 5:44:00 PM  
Blogger frockandrollonline.com said...

Not even SLIGHTLY okay. I'm so, so sorry :( My best friend said to me the other day ''Facebook is going to be the DEATH of our generation'', and I completely, COMPLETELY agree with her. Will you discuss it with him?

Sunday, November 13, 2011 3:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend who knows my situation sent me a link to your post. Our stories are so similar, it's scary. My divorce will be final next month. But we didn't have children. I could have forgiven for the Facebook crap, but when I really looked at the problems in my marriage that were going on for about five years, the online shenanigans were a symptom of much larger problems. Only you can know if they are deal breakers. Best of luck to you.

Sunday, November 13, 2011 10:50:00 PM  
Blogger Bekah said...

oh not fine, not even close to fine at all. my answer would be the final B btw...

does he know yet?

Monday, November 14, 2011 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

That sucks. Sorry.

Monday, November 14, 2011 1:12:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

Where's the "cry, drink a bottle of wine and damage something he loves" option? Or the "demand a confrontation and possibly couples counseling" option?

Monday, November 14, 2011 4:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

Just saw this, and I'm totally pissed on your behalf. Also, I have my own story and can totally relate. Email me if you want to talk.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 7:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I am so sorry you're in this situation! There are a bunch of ways to resolve this, and one or two of them don't involve weapons even. I hope you can use this experience to get yourself into a better place.

Don't forget to post and let us know how you are doing!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Oh, FADKOG. I'm so very sorry. Sending you good thoughts that things get better. This sucks.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 8:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I treasure my relationsips with my exes, but they are not secret and flirty. My thoughts are with you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011 7:38:00 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

Oh shit, I am so sorry. Sending hugs your way.

Thursday, November 17, 2011 2:17:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

FADKOG, I hurt for you. :o(

I'm so sad you are going through this.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Just wanted to come back & hope you're doing okay, whatever is happening, I'm sending *hugs*

Monday, November 28, 2011 8:23:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

What Sailor said. I've always got {{{hugs}}} for you, whenever you need 'em. . .

Hang in there. . .

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 10:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Pam said...

So, he doesn't curse but he keeps a three year relationship with another woman secret from his wife. Ahem. What a guy.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011 11:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

Delurking to comment. This is a really sucky thing to go through and it is a blow to the gut when you read those words. My opinion is, where there's smoke there is fire. In reading others' comments, I see that some want to burn her in effigy on the internet...however, it takes two to play that game, and your husband sounds like he was a willing participant. It is interesting to me how people always want to villify the other woman, as if the man was a mindless fool being led around by his dick....

...oh wait.... LOL

My theory is you wouldn't have looked if you hadn't be suspicious. Back a few years above pre-FB, I logged into my husband's My Space account and found a message where he asked a woman he assured me was "just a friend" for naked pics of her. Tell you what, that was a blow to the gut if there ever was one.

Then there's the conundrum about "do i fess up to snooping and accuse him of doing something nefarious?"

Remember, when you point your finger, there are three more fingers pointing back at you...

Its a two way street and fixable, if both parties want to fix it. If not, then your life will be upside down for awhile and then you will learn to be happy again, to adjust to the new reality.

One day at a time. That's all I can say. You are in my prayers. No one deserves this.

Monday, December 19, 2011 5:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Karen said...

p.s. in my case? We have been divorced just over a year and separated almost two years. But that was several years after the My Space incident, and the death blow to our marriage wasn't the My Space thing, but it was part of the cumulative trauma that eventually tore us apart.

Monday, December 19, 2011 5:52:00 PM  
Anonymous jds said...

It's always for the initial kick, the thrill, the appreciation. Once it's not clandestine, the goosebumps will fade.
Facebook IS the devil, though.
Remember, most likely the man loves YOU and wants to be rocking grandbabies on the porch with the mother of his children, not the stepmother. And you likely want the same.
Talk, rebuild, and... yeah- probably he should take an early Lenten break from FB.

Sunday, January 29, 2012 9:38:00 PM  

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