...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

dog days, it turns out, are not actually over

This is Max.



Everyone say "Hi, Max!"

Max is my spirit animal. The universe, in whatever infinite wisdom goes into it, believes I should spend a large portion of my day asleep, posing in a fashion that results in getting belly rubs, and licking my privates. The more I think about it, the more I believe the universe is pretty spot on!

In addition to his spirit animal duties, Max is also our new family dog. Hooray!

We adopted Max last Tuesday, and he officially made himself at home here Wednesday evening by christening the corner of our living room steps like the Queen launching a ship. We've been told he's a terrier mix. Based on the way he jumped completely out of his collar and leash and sprinted half a block faster than I could blink my eyes when an unleashed dog aggressively greeted us on the last of our three hour-long walks Thursday (apparently the universe wants me to go on some type of quest), the mixed portion of him is Kobe Bryant or gazelle. I imagine we're going to have to look into the city's ordinances for exotic animals now.

When we chose Max, his name was Mason, which humane society volunteers had shortened to Mace. Look at him. Does he look like a Mason to you? Does he look like he'd tolerate being referred to as Mason Dixon or The Grand Poobah? Because that's what I'd undoubtedly have started calling him if we'd kept that name, and I've got to admit, I was pretty close to selling the kids on The Grand Poobah since, well, there's going to be a lot more pooh happening around here now.

In the end (unintentional pooh joke FTW!), we opted to rename our pet, and the boys quickly chose Max, which means instead of The Grand Poobah, I've referred to him as one of the following every day since:
  • Maxwell
  • Maxwell Smart
  • Maxwell's Silver Hammer
  • The Maxtrix
  • Maximilian
  • Maximum Overdrive
  • Maxi Priest
  • Maxi-Pad (I apologized)(it's been hard to stop, though)
  • Mad Max
  • IMAX
  • Frankie Say Remax
  • Tone Loc
That last one is a nod to Where The Wild Things Are, of course. Additionally, I've confused him by calling him Sir Sheds A Lot and I Know You REALLY Wanted Another Baby, Dear, But If We're Talking About Something That's Going To Need Us To Clean Up It's Poop Anyway, How About Something We Can All Enjoy?

Speaking of poop (again)(forever and always), in the five days we've now owned Max, I've yet to see him do his doody duty. My children assure me he's achieved maximum output (adding it to the list!), but like I told my pal Twobusy, I like to look at this function as if it was a ghost. I hear about ghosts from time to time, but I haven't personally seen one, and I'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible. Especially if it's a ghost and/or pooh that tries to kill me or steal my soul. I think the neighbor's giant barking dog is that kind of pooper.

My spirit animal is pretty rad. He's housebroken, curls up and sleeps through the night on the couch, rarely barks, kennels nicely when necessary, walks great on a leash, and, as we've ascertained earlier, doesn't poop in front of me. I couldn't take one of the many hairs he's shed all over my beautiful red narcolepsy chair (that's a pretty funny post so what are you doing here when you could be following that link and reading that one?), clone him and end up with a better dog. He's maximum pleasure with minimum effort. He's like everything I'd want in a husband if he were human!

The universe wishes for me to go squeak a toy now, so you'll have to excuse me. How cool is that? I imagine it must really suck if your spirit animal is an otter.

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20 Comments:

Anonymous 2amsomewhere said...

The only Mason references I could come up with were Mason Proffit, a folk rock band who recorded "Two Hangmen" and Dave Mason of "We Just Disagree" fame. Neither of them are Terrier types, but damned good stuff nonetheless.

I have custody of the dog, Buster, whom we adopted from a local humane society 10 years ago next month. I persuaded my then wife to keep the name the name bestowed upon him by the shelter, and there have been no regrets. He is a Buster.

Sunday, August 14, 2011 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger Emsxiety said...

Maximus is seriously too cute for words. Great spirit animal!

Sunday, August 14, 2011 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I'd be all Mad-Maxing the poor little dude day and night.

Monday, August 15, 2011 5:36:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I'm certain I'd be all Maximillian over him too!

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:49:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Maxi Pad! Ha! What a doll! I never thought it could be so great - which is why i have told my kids "no" about a dog for years... I am wavering, just reading about Max. Have fun!

Monday, August 15, 2011 8:00:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Well, there's also Mason Williams, of 'Classical Gas' fame. . . (but, now that I think of it, you really don't want 'gas' associations with yer pooch - HAH! I said 'POO-ch' - do you?)

And wouldn't the 'Maxi-Pad' be, um, like. . . your house?

The 60s-hippie part of my alter-ego would probably be all Buckiminster-Fuller, 'Dymaxion' with yer pup. . . (or, does that have unwanted 'dark' overtones; sheesh - this is harder than I thought. . .)

Maybe, you know, 'Maxterminator', or something sorta scary/awesome like that. . .

Monday, August 15, 2011 8:52:00 AM  
Blogger Xavier said...

Luke, Bob, and Daisy all salute your new Maxter ....

Monday, August 15, 2011 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger cat said...

Maxtermind!

I like Maxi Pad personally. ;)

Monday, August 15, 2011 9:30:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

And hey - what gives with two posts in three days? You're gonna max out my brain space. . .

Max Headroom?

;)

WordVer = 'hedleak'

I kid you not. . .

Monday, August 15, 2011 3:07:00 PM  
Blogger Legallyblondemel said...

Welcome, spirit animal! My own Sir Toots a Lot looks forward to hearing about your many adventures.

Monday, August 15, 2011 4:45:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

What an excellent spirit animal! I only wish mine would re-master the art of ghost-pooh (also an old family-term for the packing peanuts).

Glad my spirit-animal isn't an elephant, too!

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

He certainly is a cutie! So you don't see him poop, but do you SEE his poop? Otherwise I'd wonder if he's eating it. Then he'd be the ultimate dog who cleans up after himself! Ha!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:52:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Welcome Max! He looks like a fun little guy.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

has anyone begun the chant "maximus...maxiMUS...MAX-i-MUS!" yet? because there's a winner for your spirit animal.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 9:57:00 PM  
Blogger MsPicketToYou said...

love you girl. so touched and moved liked always. slightly jealous too.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 12:12:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Congrats on the spiriti animal. I Like the name Max.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 7:38:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

I have no started calling him Pepsi Max and Take It To The Max. My kids are all, "Mom, why don't you just call him MAX???"

Clearly my kids haven't caught on to the fact that I rarely refer to them by their given names, either!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 9:14:00 AM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

I'm glad you invested in a dog as an important upgrade to your Early Sasquatch Warning System.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011 8:32:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

He is adorable. And will for sure give you much "what was that? why is the Max staring out the window?" terror for years to come!

Seriously - he's super cute and I'm annoyed that I can't come up with another Max nickname for him... Maybe you could get another pet named Leo and and call them "the Producers."

Friday, September 02, 2011 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

He is cute. I'd call him Maximum Overdrive, Maximilian Schell, and mac Dugan Returns.

Thursday, September 22, 2011 11:08:00 PM  

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