...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

necessity really IS the mother of invention

I've never been the most well prepared mom during my children's tenure. During play dates, while other mothers doled out Goldfish crackers and delicious cold juice boxes to their hungry offspring, I'd assure mine they just thought they were hungry, then encourage them to turn their Dickinsonian beggar faces away from the sight of that cheddar flavored cracker crack.

I've driven miles out if my way with a screaming baby in tow to find a Target, then rushed in to buy a pacifer(s) (definitely plural) because I couldn't locate the binky my wonderful, albeit temporarily possessed spawn had tossed ferociously aside within the confines of our tiny Chevy Cavalier (even our old car wasn't good preparation for my role as a mother!).

Over the years, I have wracked up exorbitant overdrafts on school lunch accounts, been stranded sans baby wipes following tsunami-like diaper blowouts, and forgotten to RSVP to much anticipated Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties (though in retrospect, that might have been on purpose...).

Long story short, this girl ain't no Boy Scout. I sort of suck at planning ahead where my kids are involved. Much respect to animals in the wild, who will forego eating for months just so their young might enjoy the fruits of the hunt, which, wow, even more respect, is sometimes digested then regurgitated into the open maws of said babes! If roles were reversed, well, clearly my kids might be forced to drink their own urine and, naturally, I shudder to think!

All this talk brings me to tonight. Imagine my horror when, on our way home from baseball practice, my youngest son informs me he has a bloody nose. "Gah!" I thought upon hearing this. "GAH!" I cried when I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the geyser that is his tiny nose. There was so much blood it was as if Dexter Morgan had set up his kill room in the backseat if the Hyundai (because we clearly learned nothing after the Cavalier...)

I panicked, of course, because I knew I had nothing to help rectify this matter. "Here's a newspaper!" I said, tossing the ad circulars I'd read while waiting out ball practice. "Hold these to your nose while I think if what to do!"

What I did involved rummaging fruitlessly through my giant, I'll-equipped purse in hopes of a first aid miracle. Chew some gum and have him shove it up his nostril? Maybe...but no. Wish my copy of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was an actual book and not on my Nook? Good idea, but honestly, that book is so horrendously bad the pages would better serve as emergency toilet paper. I lacked tissues, stray fast food napkins or a cauterizing tool and it was beginning to look like a horror show back there.

And then deep in the abyss that is my purse, my fingers grazed across the ultimate solution...which is why, if you'd driven past us on the highway tonight and snuck a peek in the backseat of my car, you'd have seen my son with a tampon shoved up his left nostril, the string flapping in the breeze of his downed window. Somewhere in the wilds, I think Bear Grylls felt a chill rush through him. Such ingenuity! Such, well, we'll leave it at that. That's a merit badge right there, kids! Here, son, use this giant Q-tip to staunch the blood!

When we got home, I deposited boxes of tissue in both of our family cars. My oldest child might be three years away from heading to college, but I'll swear I'll get this prepared parent thing down sooner or later.



Blogger middle child said...

Hard to make me laugh out loud but giiiiirl. You did it! The laughter started when I got to the part, "And then deep in the abyss that is my purse,"....I knew right then and there and...Too Funny.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012 10:33:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I am laughing sooo hard, that's excellent- and you can be an "honorary mommy-boy-scout", designated in my official capacity of "retired cubmaster/scoutmaster/troopleader", just for ingenuity and improvisation.

Also for adding tissues to both cars.

Wednesday, May 02, 2012 11:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are Survivor Woman for sure! That's hilarious!

Thursday, May 03, 2012 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Using the tampon, genius move, makes you a scout.

Thursday, May 03, 2012 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

I bow before your preternatural ingeniousness. . .

And of course, this tale needs to be retold annually on his birthday. And also his HS graduation, his bachelor party and wedding reception (for that matter, you might want to take his bride aside for that tender mother-in-law moment, just before she heads down the aisle. . .)

And I am suddenly wishing that I had read this before I took that elbow in a road basketball game when I was in HS. 'Cuz, you know, the visitors' locker room spent most of its existence as the home school's Girls' locker room during the regular school week, and the dispenser was right there on the wall. . .

Thursday, May 03, 2012 9:26:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

oh lordy! now that is the best laugh i have had in a long time! what a scene! seriously, thank you!

Thursday, May 03, 2012 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger Principled Slut said...

I hope he is young enough to not have been traumatized for life by this event! lol

Thursday, May 03, 2012 11:50:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Ohhhh! You got me. LOL - that is awesome, simply awesome. Love!

Thursday, May 03, 2012 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

*standing & clapping*

Now this is what the makers of Tampax should be advertising vs. ethereal ladies in white prancing through meadows. Be prepared indeed - you sound like a good scout (and mom) to me.

I'm so glad you're reading the delightfully execrable "Fifty Shades" - I'd make another TP related joke about it but that just got me thinking about bottoms, which . . . well, enough already.

Thursday, May 03, 2012 9:06:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Tampon. Blood. Sounds like you were perfectly prepared.

Friday, May 04, 2012 3:54:00 PM  
Blogger Rug's Bug said...

My husband loves to tell the story about when he got his wisdom teeth out and couldn't stop the bleeding. My husband has 3 sisters so...after some searching of the house his dad handed him some tampons to bite down on.

Monday, May 07, 2012 9:39:00 AM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

I've totally used a maxi pad as a baby wipe so... Word! And as a napkin.

Sunday, May 20, 2012 11:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Kate Coveny Hood said...

We have so much in common... I have of yet to be able to offer my children as little as a tissue when emergencies arise. In fact, I sometimes think I started wearing jeans as often as I do just in case they need to wipe their hands on something in a remote location.

Friday, May 25, 2012 7:12:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I had a scary thing happen in my life a few months ago where I needed to stop a couple of puncture wounds that were squirting blood like they were geysers. Google told me to use tampons or sanitary napkins while applying pressure. I went with the sanitary napkins, worked like a charm! I love google.

Tuesday, June 05, 2012 10:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

I call this resourcefulness, and it goes a long way around these parts. I once used a panty liner as a makeshift bandage after a monkeybar-to-playscape leap went horribly awry. Perhaps this makes me a terrible mother, but fuck it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 7:29:00 PM  

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