...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, April 18, 2008

wanna ped my egg?

So the other night, a 30 percent off coupon burning a hole in my sassy green purse, I embarked on a romantic night out at Kohls, hoping to score some sensible shoes for my 'wish we were sexy' feet. An hour later, spurned by the lack of sizes, I wandered around the store, intent on spending some money on something.

Anything.

And I mean Any. Thing.

That's when I rounded a corner and walked smack dab into my thing hanging on a display between the kitchen mixers and patio furniture.

The Ped Egg!

Hello, lovah...

Now, I realize that some people are scared and/or disgusted by the Ped Egg and it's promise to remove dry, calloused skin from the soles of one's foot. I know that watching the commercial and seeing the actor unleash said dead skin into a waste can like Parmesan cheese upon a plate of spaghetti is a smidgen unsettling. However, for me, watching that commercial is akin to watching porn. Granted, I'm talking really bad porn, but something captivating nonetheless. I have sat in the dark on my couch and rewound the DVR at that money shot so many times, my fingers running down my legs to rub the length of my cracked heels, that I knew it was really just a matter of time before I was going to have to have a Ped Egg.

(Sidebar: My feet - which I tried to photograph effectively in both a 'before' and 'after' environment because I've long known it's my feet you're all quite interested in seeing, yet failed miserably at - can run on the dry side because I stand around in sensible shoes on a concrete floor the bulk of the week, then I subject them to various forms of sweaty exercise or barefoot belly dancing. Do not let this fact put a damper on your simmering desire for me)

My hands shaking with glee and griping my Ped Egg and 30 percent off coupon, I walked up to the register to pay for my purchase (and by "walked," I mean "floated happily upon my phalanges in a state of podiatric glee the likes of which would prompt people to smile at me in response, then look knowingly at their partner and exclaim, 'Yep. That's a Ped Egg smile!'"), and then rushed home to try out the goods.

Well, first I attempted to get the Tool Man to do the job for me. I figured it looked like a hand plane, he'd probably be all over it, right? Nope. Dude is brand loyal AND has a serious foot aversion. Finds them, and I quote, "Blech."

So I journeyed to the bedroom to test my new little toy.

Three words:

Oh, my GOD!

Three more words:

I LOVE it!

Now, I've said these very same six words about other little toys I've taken up to my bedroom to try, but this one was clearly different, and that would be obvious, but I do have to say there was a moment when I felt a little "Oh!" in my swimming suit parts because it is JUST THAT GREAT! There was a point in the proceedings when I stood upon softened soles and danced around my bedroom using the dead skin in the Ped Egg's handy dandy collection chamber as a miniature maraca. I then composed a love song to the Ped Egg, and performed a small, but tasteful civil union between it and my feet.

Let me put it this way. If my feet were hands, and I'd just committed a crime, and the first thing I thought of to elude authorities was to burn my fingertips with acid so they couldn't trace my prints upon the inevitable point when I was captured (because of my poor criminal planning, and thank goodness I never knew this was possible during my shady past as a teenage shoplifter...), the Ped Egg would be my acid. My feet are so smooth they would elude authorities.

They also turn on the Tool Man, who suddenly lost some of his disdain when I rubbed my feet upon his back and asked him to guess which part of my body was acting as a temptress.

Long post short, I urge you to toss out your perceived aversion to the Ped Egg, run on calloused foot to the nearest available retailer, and throw down your $10 (seriously, this thing is so glorious it deserves full retail price, though 30 percent off makes me feel a little smug and all, "Oh, I should probably get some lotion for my paws, too!").

Then let's play footsie and throw our magical foot dust in the air like some creepy kind of confetti (or not) while singing Gloria Estefan's "Get On Your Feet" (or not). My feet may be a bit more sexy, but they will always and forever be sensible.

Labels:

29 Comments:

Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Omigod, so many things....

"using the dead skin in the Ped Egg's handy dandy collection chamber as a miniature maraca"
---------awesome----------------

I could never use one of these things. Unfortunately I have heavily calloused feet (wow, I could just stop right here....nope....here I go....) from fencing and if I shaved them to make musical instruments out of their leavings I would either have to quit fencing or resign myself to bleeding to death slowly on the walk home from practice.

And such a blood-trail would inevitably alert the...you know...guys with the blue uniforms...with a badge...gun...bad attitude toward teenagers? Cops. I'm alluding to cops.

And now, for that little poke I'm in fear for my life, so I will run and try to elude you on my bloody feet.

Friday, April 18, 2008 1:02:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

I yearn for it too! Especially now that mother nature stopped being such a bitch!!

Friday, April 18, 2008 1:08:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

I'll take my allowance and purchase it this weekend! However, maybe I should use the "things we NEED" budget since it'll benefit us both, right?

And by us, I meant the hubs and I. Don't get any ideas! ;op

Friday, April 18, 2008 1:12:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I am horrified. SHmoopy bought me one of these and wants to send it to me from FLorida.

I cringe just reading your experience....HOw will I ever ped egg my own feet?

Hallie

Friday, April 18, 2008 6:28:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Since I can no longer comment on my OWN blog (darn work filters), I shall comment on yours with all cheer.

I had a girlfriend in high school that was always wanting to sandblast my calloused feet. I think she had some sort of fetish, but I was protective of my callouses. If she had the Ped Egg, who knows where the relationship might have gone.

By the way, couldn't you just use a cheese grater?

Friday, April 18, 2008 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Those info-mercials give a whole new meaning to the term 'skin flick', don't they?

But seriously, Girl, you're just showin' off yer mad writing skillz here today. . . 'dead skin. . . like parmesan cheese'; priceless. . .
'floated happily upon my phalanges in a state of podiatric glee'; wonderful. . . We mere mortals bow before your otherworldly wordsmithery. . .

But, I think your feet would 'elude' authorities. . . all allusions to their smoothness aside. . .

And, just between you and me, I sorta get the whole 'foot fetish' thing, too. . .

Friday, April 18, 2008 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger SuperWife said...

I'm all snorty with inappropriate giggliness. And for some reason, all I can say is three words...

Foot Fetish Freak!!

LOL!! My verification word is ewwtoe. Jocularity, jocularity!!

Friday, April 18, 2008 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Ok, I have to say this....

I too, am a Pedeggacholic.

I purchased my Ped Egg about a month ago, shortly after I drooled over the infomercial.

I found it at Bed Bath and Beyond, and about had a heartattack.

I love it.

But I have also wondered about the whole cheesegrater thing. It's about the same thing, only cuter! lol

Friday, April 18, 2008 12:24:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

My girlfriend was trying out the handy dandy Ped Egg just as I began to read this here post. She had picked it up and put it back several times at various retail facilities. So, me being the boyfriend that which is awesome, I bought one for her on the way home from work.
Oh her god! She loves it!

Me? I like toast. You? You I lust.... I'd even massage your feet. (lotion of your choice applied and everything.)

Friday, April 18, 2008 2:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Karla said...

You want feet as smooth as a baby's butt? Get yourself down to the Wal-Mart and buy some Kersal. Use it nightly before bed. Used in combination with the Ped Egg and you'll have angel feet in no time.

Friday, April 18, 2008 3:10:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Too funny, but as one who has (in summertime, particularly) refused to have anything to do with my wife's feet-

Good for you!

Friday, April 18, 2008 6:33:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

y'all some nasty ass closet toe suckers i know it!!!

not you wordy girl...you just get your kicks on the craziest things.

no offense but i'll stick with the little asian dude who rubs me the right way every 2 weeks in the summer months cause he has a way with my tired calves. what! he does!!!

i'm not sure i'll ever be able to eat spaghetti again....

Friday, April 18, 2008 7:02:00 PM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

I gotta belt sander that'll do the same thing only lots quicker. It even collects the shrapnel ....

Friday, April 18, 2008 7:34:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

after I stop laughing I will totally fantasize about you rubbing your softly sensibly sexy feet on my back!
hehehe
gotta go try on my new Aldos! although I wore 5 inch gold Bebe heels today and I believe the tootsied may be harboring a bit of resentment...and perhaps a bunion or two. I Know! I will soothe the savage soles with...a PedEgg!!!
hehehe

Friday, April 18, 2008 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

I just think it is funny that the first thing I said to Therese, before looking at the comments, was "a cheese grater for your feet?"

And then everyone else said it.

So definitely consensus.

But don't mix it up with the other toys you take to your room.

OUCH.

Friday, April 18, 2008 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I am so gone. Unfortunately the nearest retailer is at least 20 minutes away and I am one of those fast laboring kind of girls and this belly tenant of mine has been threatening to come for days now.

Sigh. Guess I'll have scaly feet in stirrups.

Saturday, April 19, 2008 5:51:00 AM  
Blogger Wethyb said...

You're so damn funny! On that note, that thing looks pretty kick ass!

Saturday, April 19, 2008 9:27:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

This is not good...I am not much of a private person (Hello, I blog), but I can't even cut my fingernails around Claire let alone asking someone to cheese grate my heals...never actually thought it was a problem. I think my feet are smooth...I don't think this product was made for men. Just guess'n.

Saturday, April 19, 2008 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

Girl, the Ped Egg has gotten such a bad wrap out there in blogland that I'm glad one of my buds actually likes it. I've had one for a couple of months....that I bought at CVS!!!...and I loooooove it! I refuse to go get pedicures anymore because everytime I do I end up with an ingrown toenail...this thing is my calloused heel savior! And I truly love it after my BFF told me about taking out chunks of her heel with one of those shaver things. I will do the Ped Egg happy dance with you!!

Saturday, April 19, 2008 9:35:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I went to CVS yesterday to switch Zac's Strattera script over there 'cause they are offering a $25 gift card for that, asked if they carried the PedEgg and was told that they get a shipment Thurs.AM and are always sold out by Thurs.PM!
3 guesses where I will be Thurs...and the first 2 don't count.

Sunday, April 20, 2008 12:44:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I'm just excited for you to have received the 30% Kohl's coupon! Those are rare finds.

Sunday, April 20, 2008 2:13:00 PM  
Blogger Stacie said...

I may just have to try one of those little gadgets, but let me tell you this. To round out your little foot treatment, I very HIGHLY recommend you get your smooth little tootsies down to bath and body works and buy a box of those little foot and hand booties that heat up. You get four treatments per box for about $16ISH dollars and OH MY GOD! You will be in freakin' heaven I guarantee it! In fact, I would go so far as to bet your ped egg on it! Seriously...do it. You can thank me later.

Stacie

Sunday, April 20, 2008 6:12:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

BP Dad - The beauty of the Ped Egg is no blood! No CSI on your tail, blaming you for a crime you didn't commit, but totally all "Where'd you get the super soft man paws?"

Bee - Did you quench the yearning. I must know!

Bee - How quickly you dash my thoughts of rubbing our soft bottoms together!

And by soft bottoms, I, of course, mean our feet. I wonder if guys would dig seeing that like they would the other? Hmm...I mean, I'm just thinking we could charge and then have money for replacement blades...

WWW - Toss your fears aside and go! Go to the soft side!

FTN - If someone would have offered to do things to my feet in high school, I might be married to them today. I might also be sad and disillusioned that it was feet that brought us to this point, of course, but the other side of the coin would be super soft feet. You have to weigh the pros against the cons in such situations.

Des - Thanks for the edits! Blogger needs a full scale grammer and spell check option. But hello? Skin flick!? Well done on that end, sir!

Superwife - The perfect word verification! Like a dream! And a foot fetish freak? Nah. I draw the line at some point, and thus, I draw the line with my toe!

Choppzs - Welcome, my fellow PedEggaholic! Rise up with me for the cause of soft feet everywhere! (and I try not to think about it being akin to a cheese grater, but yeah, it's pretty much that, but definitely cuter and more effective!)

Savage - What a magical boyfriend you are, indeed! However, if we're talking lotion application, I'm rather fond of the brown sugar and vanilla scented. Just tuck that knowledge away...

Karla - I'm definitely tucking that idea away and have added that to my Walmart shopping list for the week. Angel feet are my goal! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Sailor - Alas, sometimes us wives have to just take our feet into our own hands!

kimmy - Oh, I'll suck a lot of things, but I ain't gonna suck no toes! N-O to toes! I've gone to our little Asian dudes. I just think they're making fun of my calves in their hushed talks across the foot baths. They stress me out when I should be relaxing in those massage chairs.

XI - Shrapnel. Ha! Um, my husband said pretty much the same thing. I told him to go first, then!

1blueshi1 - I only wish that the PedEgg possessed a miracle power that would enable me to wear those sassy girl stilletos like you can!

RS - The PedEgg gets a handy home in my bathroom cabinet so as not to be mixed up with any of my other toes when and if I go fumbling around in the dark for dolphins or cheese graters!

Amanda - I was a fast laborer, too, which thankfully kept me focused on all the other things I hoped were done (like shaved legs) and not on that which wasn't (my poor, poor feet)! When that new baby comes, and you get a moment, take that 20 minute trip! Thanks for coming by and commenting. I'm coming back to your blog soon!

Wethyb - Thank you! Now, listen to your sister and me! Get thee a PedEgg!

Bogart - How funny (in my head, anyway) that I got your comment after I had cut my fingernails, which I waited to do until after my husband had left the house because the noise makes him cringe!

So, your feet may be smooth, but according to the super persuasive infomercial, the Ped Egg is perfect for everyone in the whole family. Men, women, children and grandparents! I just hope they're all getting their own.

Laura - Yeah! A fellow Ped Egg fan! One day, the world will understand us and bow down to kiss our super soft feet!

1blueshi1 - If possible, camp out Wednesday night. Bring a good book, a couple bottles of water. Maybe a sandwich. Believe me, for soft feet, it's worth the sacrfice!

Cocotte - OMG! No kidding, right!? I pretty much NEVER get a 30 percent off Kohls coupon. It's always 15 percent for me. This time, it was like the heaven's parted and angels handed down this discount to me! Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

Stacie - Do they beat sock warmed up in the microwave and put on over lots of thick lotion? Because if they do, I may sock away (ha! 'sock away') part of my paycheck this week and walk down the hall to the B&BW this week for some!

Sunday, April 20, 2008 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger XI Summit said...

I'll not say I have but can't say I haven't .... that about cover it I think.

And there's a better solution to the hand/foot warmers that's a bit more than 4 treatments .... who knows, some day it might be shared.

Monday, April 21, 2008 6:59:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Hey girl! Long time no comment!

My wife bought one of these things and, wow, they're amazing. I actually used it on my ugly ass feet and shaved off about five inches of calloused dead skin. I think I scraped too far cause my heels hurt for about a week afterwards.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 8:31:00 AM  
Blogger justlori2day said...

Im all giddy and squirmy and cant wait to make the (Amanda, I got you beat ;)) 45 mile jaunt to my nearest retailer! I now will plan a day of shopping around a new Ped Egg! The purpose will be two fold. To spend more money, and to build up more foot plaque so I have more "cha cha" in my maracca!

YAY!!!!!!!

Friday, April 25, 2008 9:28:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

XI - This "thing," whatever it may be, is intriguing...

Chuck - CHUCK! Good to see you! And good to se you've proven that the Ped Egg is good for everyone in the whole family! You just have to show some restrait with it, apparently!

justlori2day - Foot plaque! How I wish I had thought up the word foot plaque! In the meantime, this product is TOTALLY worth a 45 minute journey. Use it, and the next time you have to make that trip will make it seem as if you're floating on air!

Sunday, April 27, 2008 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I saw this news story the other day, and I felt the need to share. So I come back to your two-month old entry. Congratulations, you win the Internet.

PedEgg Accused of Gross Injustice

Thursday, June 26, 2008 1:04:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

ftn - I'll share half of it with you, and together, we will control the world!

Friday, June 27, 2008 12:42:00 AM  

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