...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

filed under: "things I wish even I didn't know about myself"

There are a few things about myself I'm not particularly proud of. I am by no means a pristine person. Oh, I may pretend to be untarnished, don't get me wrong, but when I confess the following to you, I need you to remember this about me. OK? Because you are special to me. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say we're connected (What's that? Did I just say that to that one over there, you ask? And that one? The one over in the corner? I did. OK? I did. But you? You are the mostest special!).

I feel like I'm taking a huge risk here, but I feel it binds us to each other when we share our innermost secrets, and I want to give you this gift today. You take this in your hands and treat it with love and respect, OK? Because to lose you would hurt me deeply. Underneath this tarnished shell beats the heart of a good and honest woman, so your tenure with me is strong.

---- deep breath ----

Here we go...

Monday afternoon I was sitting on the couch, catching up with some emails, chatting a bit with Nan, and half listening to the daily news. Because the news has essentially become an episode of Entertainment Tonight with a weather segment, I wasn't surprised to hear the anchors cut to a package about Britney Spears' custody hearing that day. Because I must know every aspect of every celebrity's life whether I like it or not, I glanced from the computer screen to the television, and caught this brief glimpse of Kevin Federline and immediately I thought, "Oh, Kevin...you sexaaay, sexaay beast!"

I know. Trust me. I know. I was all "Kevin Federline?! I think Kevin Federline is hot?!" But remember what I said up there at the beginning. I'm not a proud person. Here's a pen. Add this confession to the list.

Then look at him. I see that picture of him and I think, "Kevin (because I call him Kevin), if you were clean and had that longish hair and, um, maybe didn't talk, I would allow myself to do you (because he likes it when I say "do you." He likes it better when I say I would allow myself to gift him with the carnal delights)." Because you know, you JUST know, Kevin Federline is probably a fuh-fuh-fuhreak in the bed and I am not above some fuh-reak, especially in the pretend realm.

Bear in mind I'm not talking Cornrow Kevin, Do Rag Kevin (though here's a second "I am not proud" confession - I'd dilly dally with CK before I would DRK because seriously, no one, and I mean no one, looks hot in a do rag), or Droopy Drawer Kevin. I'm full on Frat boy Kevin. Or Accountant Kevin (even if he does look a bit like Weird Al in his White and Nerdy video).

I don't want to have his babies or gift him with cars or careers. I just want to popo a little zao with him and then kick him to the curb, and remember him fondly when I see his face pop up on the daily news.

---- and exhale ----

OK. So now you know one of my dirtiest little secrets. Believe me. I can see where knowing this can make things uncomfortable between us for awhile. I don't share this with you without some shame. Just remember, none of us are completely pristine, so it's not even worth pretending to be. If you feel my little confession here has released something in you that makes you want to spill something dark and twisted about yourself, feel free to do so in comments.

Because we're connected, you and me, and Kevin and I would never judge you.

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Blogger Melissa said...

Oh, oh my. I ... I'm not sure what to say. To ease the discomfort, I will offer this: there have been times when I thought that spending a little time with Gene Kelly wouldn't be half bad. Olden-days Gene Kelly, naturally. Still.

Oh God.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:18:00 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

I have to tell you something...I got caught up on my Britney news while traveling. I saw pictures of K-Fed and for a second I thought that he was pretty good looking...like maybe I could understand Britney's attraction after all. Big Daddy noticed the picture of Kevin. He made some comment about him being a looser and I...I defended him, "He's not a looser! He takes care-o-his kidz!" I shouted. I couldn't stop myself. People around us in the airport turned to look at me with disgust and judgment written all over their faces. I was ashamed but now you have made me feel much better. Thank you.

Also, I like that you say "do him". It's nice.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow... is there a 12-step program for this kind of thing? I liken this to maybe almost the same thing as when I realized I had a mild, lukewarm response to Larry Birkhead, but I took a shower and some antibiotics and a few Hail Mary's and it went away. Hopefully this is not chronic.

Be strong!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

K-Fed? Wow. Just "wow."

P.S. Mine is Eminem -shhh!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 8:23:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

I love that you have opened up to me. And I know when you wrote this you were thinking of me (the one in the corner). It means so much that you would take me into your confidence :o)

Ok, seriously, if I saw this guy on the street, knew nothing about him or who he was I just might think, "Yeah, he's do-able." But really I wouldn't think that, 'cause he's much too young for me. Maybe if he was in his late 30's. Maybe.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, DKG. . . I wasn't ever gonna tell anybody about this, and especially not here in blog-space, but. . .

. . .

. . .

I am Kevin Federline.

I know - 51-year-old, father-of-eight K-Fed - just seems incongruous, I'm sure, but it makes for great cover. . .

Don't tell anyone, OK?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 10:43:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Well, what a confession you've made. Knowing those dirty little secrets does make us all feel much closer to you! I can understand your unusual celeb sexual desire. I'm the same way with Paula Deen. Yeah, I know...she's old, but there's just something about her that kind of turns me on in a weird, old lady, good cook kinda way.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 10:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I think Billy Bob Thornton is sexy.

... Actually, it's true. I do...

Great blog! Thanks for sharing!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 10:57:00 AM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

it's a contextual thing for me. if kfed was a normal, clean guy (i.e. someone who didn't fuck britney spears....ewwwwww) then i might think he was somewhat attractive. a little too scrawny for me, but yeah. maybe. a tiny bit. perhaps.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 11:55:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

Mr. Federline only looks good to you because his other half, the half that made him famous, "she who's name shall never be mentioned" looks REALLY bad. I mean, honestly, if he was still the idiot in the relationship would you still be lusting after him?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

As long as he doesn't open his mouth to talk yo.

I have no dirty secrets, I pretty much air them all out on the internets; well, that and play them. :O

I'm really Mee Snider, I know this may come as a shock, but it's true. My inner me was screaming to come out.


Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Oh we've all got our dirty little secrets, and I forgive you yours, but I am a bit worried - K-Fed? Really?!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:10:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Good lord, I had to put down my Lance Toast Chee peanut butter crackers and take a few deep breaths.

It'll be okay. Right? It'll be okay?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:18:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm going to pretend I didn't read this, if that's ok with you.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:40:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

I used to wear a do-rag all the time back in college. Actually, it was just a "bandanna" back in those days. I had long hair, and it was easier than trying to comb it.

I have pictures. There are many, many pictures. I like to look back and chuckle.

So now you know.

I should point out that my first thought upon seeing Nanette's new picture was "hey, Twisted Sister." I felt good that I picked up on the look she was going for.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Don't hurt me, Nan. . .

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 2:57:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i've always thought he was hot. just sometimes when he does speak he sounds all white trashy...i just want to tell him to hush momma likes it when her babies are all seen but not heard.

same goes for eminem. i love that cracker. he's hot. especially when he wears his little round glasses. i'd even arm wrassle bunny for him.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

Now that you've come forward I feel I can share my shame too.
I still think Tom Cruise is cute.
I hope the alien Zorgogan didn't hear me! :o{

BTW, the word verification was dancyq now I will go dance.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 10:34:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Fear not desmond, or should I say d-jones, I come in peace. I just wanna rock. ;)


Thursday, January 17, 2008 1:11:00 AM  
Blogger Satan said...

Whatever, he's cute. Nothing to be ashamed of, SWIK!

Since we're being so open, I'll lay this out there (Taja, stop reading. Right now!) - I don't think Tom Brady is cute. I didn't get the memo on why every single girl in the world lurrves him. And I live in MA. I can't tell my friends, it would be like admitting I was a cannibal or still listened to Ace of Base or something.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 8:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not sure this is in the same category as a K-Fed crush.......I like every teenage girl at the time wanted John Cusack to appear at my window with a boom box. The sad part is that I still do. I even hear current ballads on the radio and think, "That would be a good one for a boom box wielding Johnnie boy to show up with." I have told my spouse if he ever egregiously errs, the only sure way to forgives is a boom box, RayBans, and Peter Gabriel's "Book of Love" for all the neighbors to hear.

Excuse me, my geek is showing.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 8:40:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Melissa - It's OK if this confession has rendered you a bit speechless. I was worried about putting it out here, but I must admit, now that I have, I have a sense of freedom I never knew existed before! If it makes you feel any better, I, too, have a fondness for the olden-days actors and entertainers. I think it's the fedoras and trenchcoats.

Scarlett - I try to be polite with Kevin, thus the use of "do him." He's been through a lot and I feel my kindness is really the least I can do to make him feel comfortable and, thus, willing to give me the "carnal delights." BTW, he says to tell you thanks for standing up for him. Actually, he said, "Thanks for not bein' a hater, yo." I thank you, too.

Taja - I can't make a "what's that smell?" face in light of your confession, but wow?! Larry Birkhead?! Sorry! Sorry! No judgements here!

Bunny - I once had a VERY vivid sex dream about Eminem, vivid to the point that I tried to have the same dream every night for about two weeks and became just a little bit obsessive about Marshall Mathers. I won't tell anyone about your crush on him if you don't tell anyone what I just told you, K?

Phyllis - You are totally the one I was confessing to! And I say embrace that little cougar in you! Who cares if he's in his 20s?! Rawr!

Kevin - Hey baby! Get over here now, yo! Rawr!

Chuck - Admit it. You really like the way Paula uses all that melted butter and fills the room with her hearty, downhome laughin'. I can see ho this would be a draw for any red-blooded, hungry man!

Tupelo - Thanks for the visit and comment! I'm glad you felt free and relaxed enough to share your confession. If I bump into BBT, I'll pass the word on!

You da mom! - Oh, believe me. There would be a battery of tests completed before I considered truly doing Kevin Federline. Like NASA quality tests. Hardcore.

RS - Oh, believe. Never once did I think Kevin Federline was the idiot in that relationship! He was quite possibly, for a time, the smartest man on the planet! And truly, when he cleans up and keeps quiet? HOT!

Mee Snyder - You can be my dirty little secret. Or creepy one. Definitey creepy. Shudder. And *shudder* Internets.

I love you, Mee Snyder!


Mandy - Believe me. I was worried a little bit, too. But when it's fake love, how can it be denied?! Ha!

Biscuit - I hope it will be alright. I so hope so. Now, pass me one of them toasted peanut butter crackers, won't you? Kevin likes it when I feed him that fancy pants food!

Chag - Ha! I've spent the better part of a day pretending I didn't write it!

FTN - You're telling me their are do rag pictures of you, Numby, and you've not shared any with me in our PO box picture exchange?! What? Why are you holding out on me. I give you BOOBS! and charm and what nots and you don't give me the do rag? I thought we were better than that, Numby. So much better...

Des - Kevin?

Kimmy - Thank you for giving me my new "around the house" phrase!! "I just want to tell him to hush momma likes it when her babies are all seen but not heard." Believe me. I will run that thing into the ground!

See above about my very, very vivid dream about Eminem. In it, let's just say he became momma's boy. Rawr! My name is what? My name is what? That's right, baby...

Bee - While I can't get past the fact that he's TOM CRUISE (blinking lights and glitter) in every movie he's in and not the character he's playing, I will admit that there's a small part of me that remains loyal to that teenage lust I had on him. You're in good company here, Bee!

Mee - What do you want to do with your life?!


Satan - SATAN!!! Woo HOO!! I've missed the SWIK from you! Thanks for having my K-Fed back! And I agree with you. I don't get the Tom Brady thing. Even animated on "The Family Guy" I couldn't be persuaded by his charms. Or lack thereof, as it would seem.

Prom Queen - I totally have your back on this! I think EVERY man who wants a woman's attention or needs to get back in her good graces must pass the boombox test.

Right now, though, Kimmy is my Lloyd. Chicks just know we need this from time to time!

Thursday, January 17, 2008 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger Sugar Kane said...

Um, I have, on occasion, thought naughty things about Michael Bolton. Short hair, Michael. I understand if we can no longer be friends.

Thursday, January 17, 2008 9:33:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Sugar Kane - It is in difficult times like these that we need friends. I'll stand by you should this confession come back to haunt you!

Thursday, January 17, 2008 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

Ok, so I have only told one person this... and I am not really serious, but kind of am, and really when I hear him sing, I know I would do it in a heartbeat, but not really because of my loving hushand and all, and maybe it could just be a thing... not permanent, but I would so totally run away with Chad Kroeger - Nickelback/Santana. He makes me want to as Scarlett would say "lick the walls" and "punch" them too when I hear him singing some of his hottest numbers.

Ok, so he may not look "hot", but that voice, oh yeah, that voice...

Walking away. Closing browser.

inhaling deeply and sighing outloud.


Wednesday, January 23, 2008 10:30:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

justlori2day - no shame here, lori! honestly, when i hear him sing "figured you out" there are parts of me that are all "oh, i BET you have. why don't you come here and show me..."

so i understand. and i'm sighing, too...

Thursday, January 24, 2008 1:59:00 PM  

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