...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

as real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams

Friday - Slept fitfully thanks to dreams that I'm a world class cake decorator hired to sculpt masterpieces for demanding clients. Upon waking, discover arms are tired from hours spent rolling out fondant in my slumber. Blame is immediately placed on the hours spent watching episodes of Ace of Cakes and every Food Network Challenge involving cake decorating the week prior.

(Food Network, I am the vein to your crack. I've watched the Miley Cyrus' Sweet 16 episode of The Food Network Challenge four times already. The suspense? Gone. The goodness? In full-force. When I die, don't bury me in a casket. No. Bury me in a cakesket whipped up by Duff and his Charm City Cakes crew, please.)

Saturday - Slept fitfully thanks to dreams that I've become the 19th member (or the 20th, if we're counting the as yet not pregnant and counting Anna) of the Duggar family. REMS are compromised as I succumb to spiral perms, shopping for long denim skirts, and fighting Jim Bob and his can of Aquanet for moment alone in the bathroom. Wake up exhausted from completing an entire night's worth of Duggar jurisdictions, battling for my share of tator tot casserole, and trying to remember to answer to my new name, June Carter Duggar. Blame is immediately placed on sitting up the night before and watching DVR'd episodes of 17 and Counting (sigh...yes...yes, I've got it on season pass...) because my Tool Man was being a bit of an ass (p.s. Tool Man? I bet Jim Bob never acts like an ass! I mean, sure, he's killing the earth with all the hair spraying, but still!)

Moral of the story - What I watch while conscious directly impacts my subconscious, and apparently, I need to shake things up around here. I mean, I like cake, but dreaming about it?

So tonight, I may watch some porn before retiring for the evening. But just a wee bit. That part of me that's all Duggar reigns me in just a bit.


On waking up on the second morning of my restless nights, I rolled over and thought, "Well, yeah! Something to blog about!" Seriously. Because this is the quality high-brow I like to bring you people. Then I thought, "Sheesh, it's a wonder people don't want to roast me for giving them stuff like this." Later in the day, I opened my email and found a note from my friend Chag, the Cynical Dad. "A word of warning!" it read. "I'm taking suggestions for the next person to be roasted at my site. So far, two people have nominated you." By the end of the weekend, a few more people had thrown me under the bus, so Chag wrote me again and was all, "We're doing you," and I was all, "You're doing me?! Freaky! How'd you know I was just getting ready to watch some porn?!" (of course, by porn, I sort of mean I'm planning to watch the Jonas Brothers' segment from the Barbara Walters Oscar special I recorded earlier in the evening. Come to mama, Joe....).

If you'd like to do me (and don't mind if I call you Joe while you're having a go), or at the very least you want take a stab at me, please visit Chag for all the details. Honestly, I'm such a nice girl, I don't have a clue how you any of you are going to find things about me to go off on...



Blogger Heather said...

Oh gosh I wish I knew you better and oh, that I was funny.

How about I just show up and laugh at your expense? That's the kind of friend I am. You're welcome.

Monday, February 23, 2009 12:04:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I got lost the moment you mentioned you watched porn....
That is hot!
Much with the lusting of you!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009 4:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's great. I was really hoping to get Debbie f#@$ing Gibson lodged in my skull this morning.


Monday, February 23, 2009 6:36:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Man, if Ace of Cakes and The Duggars affect your dreams like that, I can't imagine what the porn dreams will be like!

Monday, February 23, 2009 6:49:00 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

I watch too much Ace of Cakes also, along with House Hunters. Now that would make for some weird dreams. Good luck on the doing.

Monday, February 23, 2009 6:56:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

That's why I dream about Scooby Doo all night!! And here I was getting ready to seek therapy because dreams should not happen in cartoon form.

A couple of years ago I had a dream that I was in a fight with my younger sister and I went to bite her. I woke up with my wrist in my mouth and in pain. I had teeth marks on my wrist for a week.

Count your lucky stars you didn't feel the need to eat your fondant.

Monday, February 23, 2009 7:02:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

The Duggars seriously creep me out, but I can't stop watching the wedding episode.

We all have our issues.

Monday, February 23, 2009 7:12:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

The other morning I had a dream that it was Christmas morning and not only had we not bought a tree, I realized I had not done any shopping and the kids were just waking up. Where the heck that came from I have NO idea.

Monday, February 23, 2009 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

oooohhhh can't wait- off to read...

Monday, February 23, 2009 8:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am with you 100% on the Food Network Challenges and Ace of Cakes. I love that crap.

I even enjoy Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Little People Big World, but I REFUSE to jump on the scary religious bandwagon that is the USE SOME BIRTH CONTROL Dugger Family.

Monday, February 23, 2009 9:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

18 kids is cruel and unusual punishment on the vagina. Looking forward to the roast. Hope you get some good sleep soon.

Monday, February 23, 2009 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Late to the party! OH........toast YOU! i LOVE it.

On another note, the OctoLip Mom and Duggars should be neighbors to babysit each others kids, right?

Monday, February 23, 2009 9:53:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well, you know, some of them want to amuse you, some of them want to be amused. . . (or is that 'abuse you'? I can never tell. . .)

And listen, the Duggars are my heroes. . .

Tool Man being a bit of an ass? Say it ain't so!. . .

Monday, February 23, 2009 9:55:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Looking forward to your roast, Girl!

And so? Did the porn before bed help?

Monday, February 23, 2009 10:28:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Baking porn, that's what you need.

Monday, February 23, 2009 10:35:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Your title makes me nostalgic for my electric youth.

Monday, February 23, 2009 11:59:00 AM  
Blogger Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

oh, sounds fun. And nice Debbie Gibson reference girl. I love me some Debbie.

Watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno before bed. Awesome movie AND porn. Best of both worlds.

Monday, February 23, 2009 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Well, um, I guess with porn, you can have your cake and eat it too.

Monday, February 23, 2009 1:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want to participate in your roast! Except... I like you way too much and I have this whole thing against being mean (except, of course, if someone tries to fuck with me and then I have to take them down) and if I WAS mean to you, even if it was for a roast, I would feel really bad about it and be all terrified you thought I meant it for reals.

Which, of course, I don't. wouldn't. whatever.

HOWEVER, my best friend has a business doing Ace of Cakes-style cakes and I could TOTALLY hook you up to be buried in cake!!

(I got your back, yo.)

Monday, February 23, 2009 5:04:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I can't wait to read the roast.

I'd have volunteered, except I only have good things to say about you and that doesn't make for a very good roast. ;)

Monday, February 23, 2009 5:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't wait... my spine is tingling with anticipation. You don't have to worry about me roasting you, I like you way too much... but that doesn't mean I'm not going to read them.;)

Monday, February 23, 2009 5:54:00 PM  
Blogger Vodka Mom said...

oh MAN I am heading RIGHT over!!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009 6:25:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

When you get 'done', will you be available for free on youporn or one of those pay to play sites?

Monday, February 23, 2009 6:37:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I am shivering in horror at the idea of your Duggar dream. To be a member of that clan would be my worst nightmare.

Monday, February 23, 2009 8:33:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I love Duff!! I especially loved the episode where they did the gumball machine cake and he found out he could get pre-dyed fondant. He looked so upset.

Monday, February 23, 2009 8:55:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I'll send T your way the next time he wakes me up at 4 a.m.
The two of you can commiserate over your t.v induced nightmares. As of yet he hasn't stopped watching the teletubbies.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 2:53:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

Cakesket. Love it.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

I have the most wack-ass dreams. I don't even have to watch anything specific either. It's like a total head party all night long for me. Can't wait to see this roast thing. What would anybody think to razz you about? You are just unrazzable.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 1:10:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I, too, watch the Duggars. I can't help myself, but I don't usually admit to watching. This is a big step for me. There's something about how people manage huge broods that fascinates me. And all the rules and jurisdictions and no kissing until the wedding? Un-freaking-believable, but can't stop watching...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 2:22:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Cake porn sounds interesting but messy.

I never have interesting dreams. I do sometimes wake up with Greek words floating round in my head if I've been listening to something Greek before going to sleep, but that's as exciting as it gets...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 3:36:00 PM  
Blogger DawgDyke said...

Awaiting your cakeporn blog! :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Heather - It would delight me if you showed up to the roast, and maybe called out some words of support as I'm being roasted alive!

Savage - Porny porn porn porn. Pornarama. Pornicopia. Porny McPornster.

twobusy - That was my plan all along with this post - infiltrate your brain. Job well done, me! Job well done! ;)

Under the Influence - Some of the porn really only works to give me nightmares. Talk about pressure!

Michele - I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat through the Macy's 150th anniversary episode of Ace of Cakes. Also, is it really a cake if you make most of it out of styrofoam covered fondant?!

Chas - As a matter of fact, I woke up exhausted and one of my pillows was missing. Rim shot! I'm so ready for my roasting...

Cocotte - Seriously! That wedding episode. Little Miss Anna certainly found her voice after she got an engagement ring, didn't she?

Dana's Brain - I still dream that I've slept through a college final. In reality, I actually did that once, so when I have this particular dream, I wake up in tears!

Christina Lee - I hope you'll go back and read them when we figure out how it's going to get produced!

Meg - I get a little calm in my life when I realize it's Monday, so that means it's Jon & Kate Plus 8 night. It makes my life seem doable in comparison!

DC Urban Dad - I got less than five hours of sleep last night. At this rate, I should actually be taking care of a baby or two since I'm up.

Papa - OctoLip...heh! The Duggars haev a lot of land on their property. Maybe they could build her a house for her brood and tagteam on the reality programming!

Des - Totally abuse you! And oh, don't let Tool Man fool you! There's some assness to him from time to time. He'd say it's because he has to put up with me. So, see what I mean?!

Melissa - Sadly, no, she said with a yawn...

Chris - OMG, Chris!! I don't know if it's even something I should dream of (assuming I could ever sleep peacefully, that is....)!

blissfully caffeinated - Join me as we shake our love!

Petra - I may go rent that movie this afternoon so I can take a nice nap this afternoon.

ftn - At the very least, you could have your pie... (oh, you can thank Seth for that one!)

weirdgirl - I'll confess my fragile spirit is worried about this roasting, even in good, clean fun! :) Also, do your friends cakes start cheaper than Duff's starting point of $1,000? Because I would so hook myself up!

Mandy - I love how so many of you are stepping up and championing how nice I am! It makes me feel wonderful!

Sammanthia - If you feel a little rebelious when you're reading them, I hope you'll comment, too. Totally zing me! I won't hold it against you. I may weep, but I won't hold it against you! ;)

Vodka Mom - I hope they're as eagerly read when the posts go up!

Swirl Girl - Probably a pay site. If I ever want an actual Ace of Cakes style cake, I need to make some coin!

Laggin - The Duggars, are like super nice androids. I mean, I know people are saying how nice I am here, but I don't think I could ever carry out the constant niceness the Duggars demonstrate!

Bee - I could easily love a dude who always seems as giddy as Duff, as well as a boss who will chase down the ice cream man to get all of us sundaes.

Zip n Tizzy - There's a small chance I've not yet stopped having dreams about Teletubbies, even after all these years without them. And don't get me started on the Caillou dreams...

Tuesday Girl - And my cakesket would have a pink icing lining!

MereCat - That's what I thought! I thought I was totally unrazzable, but then several people apparently have razzing in mind!

Mary Ellen - I wish I could get two kids to behave as well as they are able to get their huge group to do so. I am a lost cause some days!

Brian - Some of the best porn has a good messy quality about it. Cake really just lends itself to the proceedings!

Dawg - I would be a glutton for the cakeporn!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 7:53:00 AM  

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