...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

if by 'a wing and a prayer' you mean 'they're lucky they've made it this long' then you're absolutely right

If the picture you're looking at up there were hanging in an art gallery, it would be titled one of two options - either "Untitled" (for that seems to be what damn near every piece of art I've ever seen hanging in an art gallery called) or "What It's Like To Have Her As A Mom" (aka - "The Peoples' Exhibit A").

This photo is absolutely indicative of what it's like to have me as a mom. That stuff wrapped around my oldest son's leg to hold his makeshift bandage in place? Masking tape. MASKING TAPE! Why? Because I didn't have any rubber bands. Or thumbtacks. Or duct tape (which is shocking when you consider I'm married to a man and I assumed it was the legend of all men to come equipped with duct tape)(or caulk, which oddly wasn't an option for adhering this field dressing)(and thank God for that, really). And I certainly don't have medical tape. Cripes, I'm not even sure I believe medical tape is an actual thing, but my Tool Man assures me it is. Then he suggested I might put it on a shopping list along with a new tube of antibacterial gel because the Neosporin I do have? It expired five years ago. Apparently, the only reason my kids haven't lost limbs to gangrene is because my expert care, which has involved everything from kissing the boo boos to writing them a prescription for "Suck it up, already," borders on magic.

Where the gauze came from I'll never know, but some was remarkably procured to lessen the bleeding before I implemented my other options, which included, but were not limited to, severing the leg at the knee (downside - additional bleeding) or using the ginormous wad of cotton that came inside my bottle of delicious, yet seemingly ineffective Wellbutrin tablets (Wellbutrin? Listen, the key word in your name is 'well.' How's 'bout doing me a solid here soon?). Seriously, what kind of mother - especially the mother of two rag tag, firmly believe wresting to be real rasslin', 'is your shoulder dislocated or are you just trying to scare me' boys - doesn't have Band-Aids?

Raise your hands in the air like you don't care because I'll tell you what kind of mother - ME! I'm also the one who never remembered to pack wipes, snacks or sippy cups when taking my boys out into the world as babies or toddlers, and have sent them off to school in the early grips of winter without coats because, eh, at least the sun's shining.

When my boys were babies, I regularly left the house sans one of the 8,302 pacifiers that were strategically placed in each room of our mansion and had to veer miles off course to make a desperate binkie buying side trip to soothe the savage beast in the backseat who'd screamed for miles and miles in outrage at my oversight. I've shrugged my shoulders and looked perplexed, perhaps even said, "Odd, you say? Mine tastes OK," when the boys tell me their milk tastes watery, never once allowing my eyes to dart toward the kitchen faucet, letting them know I temporarily bulked up the remaining drops of milk with water so they could have cereal (FOR DINNER!) because I (once again) forgot to buy milk while dashing through the grocery store. The evidence will be harder to hide the next morning when they learn I forgot to buy bread (once again) for their morning toast and I need the night to bask in the thought they still think me perfect.

Yes, I am the Poor Planning Mother. Always have been, probably always will be, and never am I more reminded of that fact than when one of my children gets injured. This hobbled-up, masking taped up boy of mine has slammed his face into the edge of a wall with such force it made the house shake (house - zero stitches, boy - five), and has served an amuse-bouche of raw thigh to a wandering hound that found the lean flesh tasty, though perhaps a bit gamey (dog - quarantined, boy - four stitches without anesthesia and one tetanus booster). I fully anticipate one day to come home and find the boy sitting on the couch, his arm in a Ziploc (assuming I actually have any of those!)(which I rarely do)(shocker!), wishing me a fine welcome home before suggesting a trip to the doctor. I owe it to this child to be better prepared.

So the first thing on my list? Tissues. Yes, I'm a mom who never has a Kleenex or wadded up napkin at the bottom of my purse when the kids need to blow their nose or wipe away the evidence of a meal or crime (or I need to wipe away the tears that fall silently when no one is around)(seriously, Wellbutrin, this is a call to arms!), and clearly, I need to rectify that because when my boy goes to rip that masking tape off his hairy little leg, it's going to hurt and I expect there might be a few tears wiping away those quite likely can't be done with a thumb and a little bit of spit.

I apologize for the lack of response to all your delightful, amusing, and very much appreciated comments these past couple of weeks. I often sit down with every intent to respond to them, but then I often think, "Wow. I am so tired of my own voice, so I have to think everyone else is, too," and then perhaps some dating reality show comes on VH1 or, oh, look! They're decorating cakes on Food Network Challenge! and next thing I know, it's hours later and even though I haven't used my words, I'm still exhausted by them. Please know I very much appreciate you reading and very often making me laugh with your comments, and that I'll be trying to get better about getting back to responding to them soon (Wellbutrin...here's another thing you owe me...)



Blogger Michael said...

They have these new-fangled things called "first aid kits"... all kinds of cool stuff for playing doctor included! You should look them up on the internet.

Sunday, April 26, 2009 11:31:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

If it makes you feel any better, the past two gifts I've bought for children's birthday parties have had the gift receipts taped to the gift bags with blue painter's tape.

Sunday, April 26, 2009 11:35:00 PM  
Blogger Evil Twin Sister said...

Aww, screw it! He's got hair on his legs - he should be old enough by now to buy his own medical tape, band aids, duct tape, whatever!

Surely his *Father* has taught him a thing or two about living with a "self-sufficient" woman and the delights of learning to take care of his own big self...

Monday, April 27, 2009 5:08:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

You are supposed to bring sippy cups, wipes, binkies, and diapers with you? Don't worry FADKOG I am "that" mom too.

Monday, April 27, 2009 5:33:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

We own a first aid kit. That's not my problem. My issue is being a Florence Nightingale. My kids know that nothing freaks me out faster than a bloody appendage.

Monday, April 27, 2009 6:03:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

You mean... wait... huh. You're supposed to put something *under* the tape???

Nobody tells me anything anymore, sheesh.

As to the wellbutrin, I'm hoping it works for you, quick-like and well.

Monday, April 27, 2009 6:18:00 AM  
Blogger Sherendipity said...

Soak the tape in baby oil before you take it off his hairy little leg. Assuming from the hilarity of this post, you don't have baby oil, massage oil will work exactly the same. ;)

Monday, April 27, 2009 6:32:00 AM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I rememer as a little girl, I couldn't wait to grow up and have a "magic" purse like my mother. She had anything you would ever need in that purse. I mean, straws, ketchup packs, band-aids.....you name it....it was in her purse.
Sad to say, I never ended up with a "magic" purse. My kids usually ended up wiping their noses on my sleeve.
So, I hear ya about the masking tape!

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:14:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

NO one can blame you for getting sucked into those cakes...they are freakin awesome!!

Hallie :)

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

What's funny is I was just thinking this morning that I needed to update my first aid kit! (I'm a geek) I blame my Dad though because he was the type that not only had every "important" first aid item, he also used them to excess if one of us got hurt. So instead of the two band-aids we might have needed, our knees were covered in orange stain from the iodine and fifteen band-aids. Good times.

My word verification is "prized"! Why thank you, WV!

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:48:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I am eternally grateful that my oldest has never liked milk with his cereal- he eats it dry. It makes him a tad weird, but It's saved my butt because I forgot to purchase milk a multitude of times. And also? While we are swimming in a plethora of Spider Man Band-aid and Band-aid accessories, I just might have sent him to his most recent school friend's birthday party with a gift wrapped in tinfoil(the last square 2 feet I had) and scrapbooking ribbon.

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:48:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I swear, I had never heard the term amuse-bouche until Thursday night at dinner. Now I am hearing it EVERYWHERE!

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:57:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

The best thing about that prescription for "suck it up, already"..?

Infinite refills.

Monday, April 27, 2009 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Trueself said...

You've made me feel infinitely better about running out of syrup for N's pancakes this morning. He actually said to me, "Mom, how could you not know we were low on syrup?" How could I not know? Let's see, among other things I had on my mind:
Getting the laundry done so he had something to wear today.
Ferrying him to two soccer games yesterday over an hour away.
Attending two of his Little League games last week.
Taking him to a promised outing on Saturday.
Dealing with my overgrown jungle of a yard.
Not to mention the 40+ hour workweek I put in every week.

How could I forget we were low on syrup amid all that? Not a clue. Shoulda been the first thing on my mind.

Pfft. . .

Monday, April 27, 2009 9:37:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is a MacGyver like field dressing! And I started humming the MacGyver theme while I read this post, then realized I don't know the theme and in fact I was humming the Doogie Howser MD theme which really is not the same at all, but somehow it works.

Monday, April 27, 2009 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well, Molly has been known to, uh, 'forget' to shop for groceries, too. So that puts you in darned good company, as far as I'm concerned. . .

And listen, I never get tired of your voice, my dear. . .

But I will admit to some minor hurt feelings that cake decorating - no, watching cake decorating on TV - might rank higher on your list of 'what I'd like to do right now' than answering my witty repartee.

And my WordVer is 'redness'. Which has nothing to do with my eyes, when yet another of your posts comes and goes without your effulgent voice responding to your adoring public in comment-space. Nothing at all. . .

But, I'll be fine. . . Really. . .

Monday, April 27, 2009 10:21:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

yes- a woman like me! woo hoo- love you!!! umm this weekend I watered down both the Oj and milk b/c of my lazy forgetful ass.
one thing I never go out without though is lollipops to keep the little trap shut and amused in the back of the car- BIG cavities are coming i'm sure!

Monday, April 27, 2009 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger Drama Queen Jenner said...

Does that mean you're not actually supposed to rub some dirt on it? Oops.

Monday, April 27, 2009 10:49:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

I don't have a bandaid in my house at the moment, which I thought about as my almost two year old attempted to cut his own fingernails this weekend.

Also? Wellbutrin did nothing but make me into a raging lunatic.

Monday, April 27, 2009 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

allow me to just say that even as a reasonably prepared mom, which i consider myself, if you have a bandaid addict (who thinks opening the pull apart packages is just so fun) or artiste in your family, first aid supplies will dwindle to nothing and you'll find you are indeed unprepared for genuine emergencies.

you are the macguyver mom who made a bandaid out of masking tape. rock on.

Monday, April 27, 2009 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Purse? At least you carry one, and if you have a piece of chewing gum and a string, you can McGyver anything.

Monday, April 27, 2009 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Looks like a Grade A bandage to me, doc! Coverage? Check.

I've been a crap-ass commenter lately, but I read every post and am nowhere near sick of your voice :)


Monday, April 27, 2009 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Medical tape?!? I wonder if I accidentally have some of that in my own home. Whatever will they dream up next?

I'm filing that milk trick away for future use, by the way. If my brand of wifery is in any way indicative of future mothering, there will be illusions and subterfuge aplenty.

Monday, April 27, 2009 12:29:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

truth be known, I have wiped boo-boos with used dried up crusty tissues rubber bands.

masking tape ? never woulda thought of that! Thanks!

Monday, April 27, 2009 12:41:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

I meant dried up crusty tissues AND rubber bands.

then I get mad at myself, cuz I let a kid blow her nose in my blog fodder notes (which are usually written on dried up crusty used tissues)

Monday, April 27, 2009 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

I love that you're the mom who takes a picture of your child's injury so you can post it on your blog.

Monday, April 27, 2009 1:06:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Dude. You and me? SAME PERSON. It took #3 for me to start carrying a diaper bag. And it's doubtful, no really, that there are any diapers in there. Honestly.

Monday, April 27, 2009 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

Oh dear - this sounds soooo much like me... And it's making me feel kind of embarrassed. Especially watering down the milk.

I also add a lot of poor parenting to the mix. Late for work and kids are still naked? "Who wants a cookie!? Okay - but you have to be dressed and in the car in the next three minutes! Ready set go!"

Monday, April 27, 2009 3:47:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Wow! we never got even store bought tape. I had make my own tape by chewing wood fiber into pulp and then making a binder from hibiscus buds and when that all dried I slaughtered a horse or three to boil down into mucilage and apply to the home made paper to make the tape.... I had to climb coconut trees to acquire what is known as coconut fiber for the gauze. (And when I say all that I mean we got tape and paper towels....)

Monday, April 27, 2009 6:42:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Girl, geniuses are frequently troubled. Just don't be slicin' off an ear. Because you? ARE THE VAN GOGH OF WORDS.

your blog entry made me laugh, so hard, and as a fellow unprepared mom (WHO GOT HER DIVORCE THIS WEEK), it was such a fantastic gift.

And no trip to court required!

P.S. the Jonas brothers. In Birmingham. LIVE. In August! MY INCREDIBLY COMFORTABLE COUCH. Do I smell road trip?????

Monday, April 27, 2009 7:33:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

not only is your Tool Man a man, but he's a *TOOL MAN* I woulda thought duct tape was a mandatory part of the uniform! Wow... I don't even know what to say to that..

Wellbutrin and I did a stint together a few years ago in that prison I call the early 30's...didn't do a damn thing for me either..I started listening to Manson and rocking the black lipstick and occasionally saying "Wanna MAKE something of it" whilst shaking my fist menacingly at anyone that crossed me..I feel much better now but there are those that wish I'd stayed on the Wellbutrin...


(be well my friend...thinking of ya)

Monday, April 27, 2009 8:24:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

I once duct taped a gash in my husband's back. He ended up with stitches and the attending ER doctor told me not to quit my day job when he saw the poor wound dressing I had done.

Monday, April 27, 2009 9:01:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Just spit on it and rub some dirt on it like that did in pioneer days. Or on "Little House on the Priare."

Monday, April 27, 2009 10:01:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

We in England still use leeches, so it sounds scarily advanced.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 4:02:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Was the scream I heard last night the tear of the tape?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 7:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Sammanthia said...

After reading this, now I'm SURE you're the midwest version of ME. Kleenex? Nope. G and I have had allergies for the past few days and we've gone through two rolls of toilet paper. Band-Aids? Nope. Ryerson has a sliver and he insists he needs a band-aid, but I told him "No, you need to let air get to it.". The real reason? I forgot to buy band-aids.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Thank heaven mothering isn't about supplies, or a lot of us would be lacking. After a similar first aid incident at my house, my son said, "hey, you're like the maguyver mom!"

Way to make lemonade, buddy!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 9:12:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Man, I had a really interesting comment for you and it just got eaten. Damnit. Now I'm all defeated by techonology.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger PAPATV said...

Along time ago you wrote a post with the word "caulk" and i wrote and i said "i love caulk" and here you are using "caulk" again. I love "caulk".

also, my wife buys a new pacifier every tiem we go to target.

it's like starbuck's for the baby.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And heck, your son - what is he, 11? - has hairier legs than any of my sons, three of whom are between the ages of 17-21. . .

But yes - all men absolutely come equipped (heh-heh) with caulk. Thick ropes of the stuff. . .

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 11:23:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Good to know I have awesome company in the Fly By the Seat of Your Pants club!

I tagged you, by the way. :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 1:04:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I want you six feet away from me at all times if there is any blood or broken bone involved that is. Otherwise, I'm good to hang

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 12:08:00 AM  
Blogger sparklywizardsleeve said...

Oh, please. Any time we have bandages or bandaids they get used as body art and that stuff's expensive. I have a friend who's blind and she, her husband and 3 year old daughter were at Disney when she fell out of the stroller and needed major bandaging back at the hotel. Well, her husband found the bandages. He taped her up with the wife's feminine protection. That's right -- Maxipads. She claims he didn't know the difference. I'd have deep sixed him then and there. Love your blog and have gifted it to my friends.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

One time my dad ran over our dog with the lawn mower and it cut of the dog's dew claw and then my dad taped it up with duct tape. The dog was totally fine though.

Not sure why I was compelled to relate that anecdote here. Something about that picture brought it to mind.

Thursday, April 30, 2009 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger MG @ MommyGeekology said...

I hope you realize this is all fodder for that Roast of FADKOG that Cynical Dad is going to host.

Thursday, May 14, 2009 6:33:00 AM  

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