...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

'i mock you with my monkey pants'

Oh, Internet, how you charm me with your constant reminders of how I must be fat and depressed (not necessarily in that order) when I turn you on and find every web page I visit bordered with ads for Weight Watchers and anti-depressants (not necessarily in that order)! You make me happy, Internet. So, so happy. It's like having an electronic version of my mother inside my laptop, subtly shaking her head and wondering where it was she went wrong. Yeah, Internet!

Sunday was (is, really, since it's only 11:25 p.m., as I type this) my Tool Man's birthday, so we spent the entire day doing exactly what I wanted to do, which was watch the second season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Oh, don't you worry about the Tool Man, thinking he got gyped on his birthday, my friends. After eight straight hours of vampire slaying and demon vanquishing, we pushed pause on the DVD player and did a little somethin' somethin' that my Tool Man LOVES to do, and I was more than happy to give it to him extra special-like because it is his birthday.
We had birthday cake.
Mmm-hmmm! Tool Man ate two big gooey slabs of it.
Because I like it in multiples.
After birthday cake, we waddled our way back to the couch for another 5 hours of slaying, and you know what? I didn't think I would ever fall victim to this, but oh, my, I believe I have surrendered a chunk of my already crowded heart to David Boreanaz and his fictional vampire with a heart of gold. I feel like I need to book a flight directly to the beautiful Blissfully Caffeinated's house, knock on her door, and apologize for all the times I've responded "Meh..." when she's tried to convince me this man was suitable of my love. Thankfully, hundreds of other people also love him and thus saved me the time it would take to create a fan video (which I would never, ever do)(but if I did, I'd start with Joe Jonas) that I will now share here with you. You don't have to watch, of course. Three days ago, I wouldn't have watched, either, but when he told Buffy he loved her I may have sighed and whispered, "Yes..." so, you know, whatever.

Here's a suggestion - just turn down the volume and enjoy.

Or mock me. That's what I figure you're going to do anyway. You're just like the Internet!


You know what I just realized after watching that video clip (four times)(OK, really it was only two times)(I'm lying. It really was four)? My Tool Man has the exact same haircut as David Boreanaz. Now, if the Internet and I could just get him to lay off the birthday cake, and I surprised him by tossing a bucket of water on him when he came through the front door so his shirt perhaps flapped open and clung to his cake-deprived pectorals and abs, every day would be like a birthday around here, and by that, I don't mean the kind where the two of us sit around and do nothing but watch television all day

Speaking of birthdays, I suppose it's time for me to get off this thing and go give Tool Man his present. Or presents. We'll see how the night goes. I guess what you could say is we've got some slaying to do, and by that I mean slaying with one fewer letters.

Get it? Heh. Heh, heh, heh.


Oh, Internet, who says I'm depressed?

(apparently you really think I am because I just clicked back in Blogger to edit this post and right there on the edit page was a big old ad asking "Do you think you're depressed?" and you know what irritated me about it, Internet? No, it wasn't that I have never, ever had an advertisement on that page before. It was that the question was accompanied by a photo of a smiling, clearly non-depressed woman. If you're going to sell it, sell it hard and with the truth)

(we'll talk about that fat thing later this week if someone doesn't get this leftover birthday cake out of here, though)



Blogger Heather said...

Holy balls woman. I admit I started to watch the video and then I realized it was NINE MINUTES LONG! Holy sh!t. I don't have that kind of time to look at one man over and over.

Crap. That means I'm old, right?

Monday, July 20, 2009 12:59:00 AM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

Hey stranger ;)

I'm a little concerned about the person who spent all that time creating a 9 minute DB tribute. It's a little 'Fatal Attraction', no??

That said, I wasn't really a Buffy/Angel fan, but now that he's all growed up, I love to watch him on Bones. Yummy.

Monday, July 20, 2009 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

It took you THIRTEEN HOURS of Buffy, with only a brief interval of vedgius interruptus for cake, before you got to the REAL festivities?

Tsk, tsk, my dear. . .

I repeat - tsk, tsk. . .

Somebody (whom I know for a fact to be more than a decade my junior) is showin' their age. . .


Monday, July 20, 2009 7:55:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I'm gonna guess slayin' if only because dropping the "g" makes it sound more street.

What do I win?

Monday, July 20, 2009 8:03:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Please, please, please -- details!

About the cake, of course.

Monday, July 20, 2009 8:34:00 AM  
Blogger The Half Assed Housewife said...

I am so glad I am not the only one that likes to sit and watch a whole season of a TV show in one sitting. I am no good with suspense.

Monday, July 20, 2009 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Seriously? I don't think he's that hot for nine minutes.

Monday, July 20, 2009 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Seriously. If you're feeling depressed just take your own medicine... turn down the volume and watch dear David until you feel better. Repeat as needed.

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:06:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

HA!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!! I knew it. Gloating gloating gloating gloating.

Now I will go back and watch the video and finish reading your post.

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:19:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

He is sexy when brooding. So true.

Jesus, someone really loves David Boreanaz and has a lot of time on their hands.

Now, if only I could get you to see the light re: Robert Pattinson. But I won't push my luck. This is just to glorious.

Also, happy birthday to your Tool Man.

And tell the internet to shut it.

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

You seriously watched 13 hours of television? Pausing only to eat cake?

I'm no doctor, but I think that sounds like a recipe for depression and insomnia.

You should try the "throwing a bucket of water on him when he comes through the front door" idea on your husband though, I think that'd be pretty funny.

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Cat said...

David Yummypants is MINE, woman. MINE! I shall fight you to the death for him! Yummypants is ALL MINE! *insane cackle*

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:29:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

Have you been spending too much time on Facebook? I find those sidebar ads to be the most vile; apparently FB is convinced that I'm both wrinkled & in need of joining a sorority (?).

Masterful (heh - she said "master") use of innuendo, as always. I'll have to check out the Boreanaz clip later; I confess I've never entirely grasped his appeal, but then again, I haven't watched "Buffy" either.

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:47:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Not "slayin" "Saying", surely ;-)

Blogger keeps offering me cheap holidays in Cyprus, so I suggest that every time you're tempted to use the worred "Depression", use "Barbados" instead...

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Mama said...

the screenshot for the video?


my husband got me the first three seasons of Bones for my birthday/mother's day even though I had never seen an episode. The commercials for it cracked me up and hello? Eye candy much? I watched them all on one weekend. I was so happy that weekend. Nine minutes is a little much. I love Christian Bale too but my kids suck that nine minutes right out of me. That's what google image is for =0)

Monday, July 20, 2009 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Gmail wants to sell me cream for my itchy vagina. Let's just keep that between us, okay?

Monday, July 20, 2009 11:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, let me agree with you on your love for all things Angel. That man...damn...words...words cannot express it...

I'm distracted. Happy birthday Tool Man! Too bad you baked him a cake. If only you could be mean and spiteful and all that. I can't, but it would be nice if I knew someone who could.

Monday, July 20, 2009 1:09:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Yeah, the music was sleazy, there is no doubt. I should have turned it down.

Monday, July 20, 2009 1:39:00 PM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

I didn't watch BTVS in the right order (started halfway through season 3 in reruns) so I didn't get the whole Angel thing for a long time (although I was all about the Spike angst!) Then I finally watched BTVS in the right order, started watching Angel reruns on TNT in the morning, got hooked on Bones in the middle of its 2nd season, started watching THOSE reruns on TNT, and now I can honestly say I get it about Mr. Boreanaz.
Not enough to make a 9 minute video of him...but enough to watch it.
(I just realized I sound like someone who never stops watching TV. Why, yes, I AM a loser, thank you for asking.)

Monday, July 20, 2009 2:21:00 PM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

When watching the photo-transition in the video where it x-es in and out and up and down, is anybody else reminded of the folded-paper, pick a number, pick a color, pick a boy's name, lift flap reveal message things from junior high, or is it just me?

And my verification word is "suckendi." That really needs to be a real word.

Monday, July 20, 2009 2:24:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

happy belated bday tool man!

and happy BTVS day, as well.

i'm really into watching Chuck right now. i know, i know, there are no vampires, zombies or monsters of any kind. but there are assassins and one episode had a ninja and there are lots of girls who kick ass - which i like to pretend is me.

not like i'm trying to feed you anymore of the "plug in drug" so you won't ever sleep again or anything. i'm just saying that eventually, you will run out of BTVS dvd's and then you can check out hulu.com.

Monday, July 20, 2009 4:19:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Oh yeah, much is my lust for you!

Monday, July 20, 2009 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

My wife's birthday is Wednesday. Can you just send the leftover cake here so I don't have to bother?

P.S. If you were depressed, the new Mika song would cure that in an instant. Heard it yet?

Monday, July 20, 2009 9:19:00 PM  
Blogger Penney said...

seriously....9 minutes of JUST PICTURES?? Holy crap, someone has WAY too much time on their hands! How many pictures does it take to fill nine full minutes??

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:07:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Now, I love BTVS as much as any other red blooded female, but I love David Boreanaz more as Booth on Bones. It is the FBI thing, and the gun. Feel free to throw rocks at me and call me a heretic.

PS, what kind of Birthday Cake?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 3:44:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

But! The man cannot act.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 6:41:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

sorry I couldn't read very well b/c I couldn't stop staring at Angel-maybe I'll call him my first Edward! I watched the heck out of Buffy! see, we do have vampires in common!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 8:21:00 AM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I've never seen Buffy, but Mr. Sweetypants can quote lines from it. Hope Tool Man had a fantastic b-day full of Buffy, cake and slying.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 8:46:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

How sad is it that when it comes to multiples (of birthday cake) I, too, can not control myself. They sell little mini cakes at most grocery store bakeries, but for some reason I never buy them...

I have never watched Buffy- I'm thinking it's never too late to start.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

O.K. you lost me at Sexy while Smirking, but birthday cake? It's 7:45 a.m. and I know you're going to have me thinking of it all day!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 9:49:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I'd kill for cake. EFFIN ATKINS DIET!!!!


Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger Krystal said...

Well, I see that I am not the only one who gets to do what she wants on her husband's birthday....gotta love it but we always know they get the gifts in the end right?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 1:49:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

hey, i won't begrudge you joe jonas or david boreanaz. it just means one fewer women i have to fight agasint to have hugh jackman all to myself.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:12:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

Happy late bday to Tool Man. I hope you two got your slaing thing on!

Tell the internets to go screw.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 5:38:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

your title totally drug me in, that is one of my all time favorite lines .. lmao.

I too am a Boreanaz lover. I have all but one of his movies, as well as most seasons for Buffy and Angel, and I've started on Bones as well ... not that bone, perv .. not that I'd turn it away .. erm .. yeah.

My daughter opened up the entertainment center the other day and said (yelled) MOM! You're Shelf of David is almost full! *grins*

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Who is this David guy who really likes to pose for pictures? Like 9 minutes of slides. I only made it through 1 minute before I got bored.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 1:02:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Um.....happy birthday Tool man?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 3:07:00 PM  
Anonymous bejewell said...

Wow. I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that someone out there too the time to create a 9-minute video of nothing but David Boreanaz photos, or your "slaying-laying" joke.

I'm going with the latter. Or is it the former? I always get them confused. Oh hell, it's not like anyone cares anyway.

Shit. Now I'M depressed.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 6:09:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm pretty sure your neither fat nor depressed, but whatever you're doing, keep doing it, baby. You make my day.

BTW - my word verification is cakermat. Spooky.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009 10:31:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I keep getting suggestions for killing bees and that is just sad.

That dude you speak of grew on me after that Valentine movie where he was the killer. I have a thing for bad boys.

Thursday, July 23, 2009 12:34:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That DB is a sexy beast, isn't he? And a darn good thing because he's dumb as a sack of wet leather. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of all three of his shows: BtVS, Angel, and now Bones, but I cringe every time he gives an interview.

Also, as a rabid, salivating fan off the Buffyverse, I say welcome! And watch out for the loonies like me who can take your line and quote you the whole scene. Or, erm, actually show, but I don't want to scare you too badly.

Thursday, July 23, 2009 4:08:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I always feel depressed after watching depression med commercials.
PR department at Eli Lily? Job well done.

Thursday, July 23, 2009 4:26:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Didn't you mean remove THREE letters, because I bet you two were SINGING! I mean I know that Car-Man loves it when I make up a little diddy in bed.

Friday, July 24, 2009 4:57:00 PM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

you horny little monkeypants! that was hilARious.

Friday, July 24, 2009 5:20:00 PM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

My internet ads are always about teeth whitening, and unfortunately due to some dental work I had done I can't HAVE my teeth whitened so these ads are always mocking me!

You know, I have to say, I loved Angel in his day, but when Spike came along I switched teams, as it were. I've always had a thing for wounded anti-heroes. And craggy Brits (or fake Brits in this case).

Sunday, July 26, 2009 8:38:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Real Men don't shave their chest.

Monday, July 27, 2009 3:43:00 PM  

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