...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

that's what you get for wakin' up in the suburbs*

*Did I say wakin' up? I mean waking up would presume I've slept and I'm still sleeping for hell wherein the word sleep should be a verb, but instead it's something akin to the jackass 11th grade boy who mocked you relentlessly when you were a somewhat freakishly overdeveloped 9th grade girl who would've preferred the earth open up and swallow her whole when it was time for gym class and your uniform tshirt was grossly tight rather than endure his taunts and tirades while you kept one eye on the clock and the other on the other side of the volleyball net so as not to be smacked in the kisser when the smudged white orb came sailing over after being helped along by an overly aggressive boy from your homeroom who used to eat crayon shavings in first grade but now apparently has a mission in life to be remembered for being a tool.

(or the short version - still not sleeping at all)

Thank you for all your suggestions and sympathies to my post earlier this week about my insomnia. Short of the suggestion to start having an evening libation, I've been following most of the suggestions to the letter (except I like to read before bed because typically, I'd fall asleep and wake up in the morning with the book over my face, but lately, not so much). I even take an over-the-counter sleep aid, which I've started to look forward to a bit like Pavlov's dog. To save a bit of money, I bought some generic version of Tylenol PM called Sleep II, which is apparently the a sequel (the Electric Boogaloo) of Sleep (also? sigh...I'm so tired it took me forever to think of the word sequel. Instead, I thought of things like follow up, that which comes after the first, next thing, thing that often isn't as good as the first, should have just left it alone after the first one, and what's it called?). That's to say Sleep II is like the bastardization of Teen Wolf starring Michael J. Fox in which Jason Bateman is now failing to lull me into slumber through the likes of
Teen Wolf Too, but the manufacturer knows I'm going to buy it because I loved the first version so much the second one has to be good too, right?

Answer - no.

Also - thank you,
Betsey Booms, for making me constantly think of Teen Wolf!

Anyway, I cried a lot when I read some of your comments, as well as the emails some of you sent me, too. Cried, you say? Yes. Because I am just that tired. And because you're all so nice. Perhaps if we hugged, I'd be lulled into the false sense that someone was rocking me to sleep and I'd quickly drift away while my chin dug deeper and deeper into your shoulder, but because you felt sorry for me, you'd stand there, unmoving, even though you might have to use the bathroom or damn, your favorite show is over and the remote control is all the way across the room, or your nose started to itch, because you felt sorry for me and wanted me to get as much sleep as possible. You people are good people!

So...are you still with me? Have you really read these first rambling paragraphs? Then you'll realize THIS is part of the reason I can't sleep! My mind never seems to shut down and spends the wee evening hours as a springboard of inane thought. To share, and to perhaps exorcise some of the demons in my head, I thought I'd share a sampling of what goes on in my mind in the midnight hour:

  • Does anyone ever use an entire bottle of fingernail polish? Ever? I've got bottles that are older than my children.
  • Ack!! Why am I in bed with my father-in-law!! Oh, it's just my Tool Man, who, after shaving off the goatee that's been a staple of his face for so long, looks scarily like his dad now. I hope he picks up these subliminal messages I've been sending him as I whisper in his ear as he sleeps to grow the facial hair back. I'll even welcome the full beard should he want it back.
  • Why was that weird old dude wearing sunglasses and sitting in the corner of the Dairy Queen, suspiciously not eating any treats (tip - the Tagalong Blizzard? Meh.) staring at me the entire time I was trying to eat my hamburger and french fries?
  • Did it make me paranoid? Yes. So paranoid, in fact, that here would be a perfect opportunity to insert a Jonas Brothers video of their song of the same name!
  • Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe. I feel sorry for Kevin. Joe. Joe. Joe
  • Goddamn you, Nickelback!. I do not want to like you. Get the hell out of my head!
  • If the Ed Hardy clothing line ever releases a shirt that reads Team Kate in their tattoo-inspired design, I promise you I'll go out and buy one for every damn day of the week. She may be a bitch, but when you've been married to a complete douche like Jon Gosselin for 10 years, who's out parading a 22 year old girl around the south of France on a yacht (he's on a boat!) and calling what is clearly his girlfriend his stylist (which would infer one has style, but him? clearly not)(nor does he have class) then I think there's a pretty defined reason why Kate kept his manhood in a jar on top of the fridge.
  • Speaking of that douche Jon Gosselin, is it just me, or is he another set of hair plugs (sorry that first batch doesn't seem to have done much for you, bub) and a bad straw cowboy hat away from morphing into Bret Michaels. Douche. That one's for Jon Gosselin again. Although Bret Michaels? Yeah, you're kind of close.
  • Speaking of douche some more, is it just me or does there seem to be a rampant, wildfire-like use of the word douche and douche bag on television these days? I should note that using that word makes me cringe. It doesn't delight me in the way the word conundrum does, but it seems to be all over TV these days. I don't even watch that much TV, but it's uttered on nearly every program I tune into. I'm expecting Jim Bob Duggar to fire off a rant filled with bleeped out expletives and douche this and douche bag that any day now on 18 Kids and Counting.
  • If he did, I, of course, would be even more delighted in that than I was when Josh Duggar crowned his wife Anna a master swallower (which HELL YES! I just googled that line to see if there was a video clip of it out there yet and the post I wrote wherein I proclaimed that line to be a perfect gift bestowed upon the universe much like that of the birth of the Christ child - except I didn't go quite that far - comes in JUST AFTER Josh and Anna Duggar's official website!!! As the Duggars might say, God is, indeed, good. By the way, that same post was where I posted photos of myself from my junior prom, so if you haven't seen those, or you wish to see why that douche (see!? EVERYWHERE!) 11th grade boy mad fun of me, here's your chance. You know what else is good in addition to my blog standings there? Take a look below:



Oh, Internet, you are so, so good to me! I love you, sweet collection of wires and pulleys! I don't know what the cat is all about, but apparently it's playing them out (is this some fad I'm unaware of as I fail to sleep?), but if that's the case, I should let it play me out of this post because it's far, far too long now and my son has a play date coming over in an hour and I'm still in my pajamas, which is funny because why do I wear pajamas if I don't sleep, and I'm laughing, laughing, laughing at the irony, but you're probably not because I'm the one who's exhausted and you? You're probably just exhausted of me. I completely understand.

p.s. - I just realized someone googling any of the Duggars may now get this post and believe my rampant use of the words douche and douche bag (shudder) relates to them. I assure you that will never be the case. At least as long as Michelle Duggar and her girls never buy any Ed Hardy tshirts at their local thrift stores.


Labels: , ,

39 Comments:

Blogger Desmond Jones said...

{{{hugs}}} for as long as you need 'em. . .

Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:16:00 AM  
Blogger Kate said...

You are like me, or I am like you. I'm too tired to know for sure. Also wrote a post today about not sleeping. And that kid in gym glass? go back a few, so you're in 6th and he's in 8th and I was there. Why I got boobs in elementary school, I will never know.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger thatgirlblogs said...

I went through this a few months ago. just sleep when you can, wherever you are. or tylenol PM...

Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

FADKOG - you should lay off the run-on sentences before you go to bed.

...but this is one of my favorite posts of yours ever. I just said to Hubby the other day "since when is is okay to say douchebag on tv?" I'm such a literal person that when some tv character calls someone a douchebag...I wonder if they use it just because it is a funny word to say or if they even know what a douchebag is. Then I remember an old joke with a punch line something like "oh, I'll have a vinegar and water" and then I ......see? I'm as bad as you

and I love me some Teen Wolf I.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

I'm sorry you are not sleeping.

Don't like Jon Gosselin much, eh?

Thursday, July 16, 2009 12:19:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

oh man, i have been in the sleepless spot you now find yourself in and it's horrid, completely horrid. you have my sympathies.

jon and kate both nauseate me. i feel very sorry for their kids who get to have their parents behave like (avoiding THAT word) all through the media. i'd buy a TEAM 8 shirt.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

I'm still holding out for Sleep III. I've heard it's waybetter than Sleep or Sleep II.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Sorry about the lack of sleep and wish there was an instant fix! Sending mental Zzzs your way.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:15:00 PM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

The Nickelback "Rock Star" song is constantly playing my head.

It's so nice that we Americans can be united in our hatred for all things Jon & Kate and in our amusement at the Duggar's. (I like to call them the Doogers to annoy my kids!)

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:18:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

The only decent "Paranoid" song is by Black Sabbath, not the Jonas Brothers. Come on.

As my wife was watching the Duggars a bit last night, I had to look up from my book long enough to hear JimBob talking about he and Michelle "like to... make things... together," and then he started laughing.

JimBob rules.

Anyway, if you want me to sing you a lullabye, the offer is still on.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, can I just take the opportunity to say that Jon&Kate give us parents of eight a bad name?

Thursday, July 16, 2009 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

It seems so unfair that after all the up and down we do for our babies that we're stuck with the insomnia once they're sleeping through the night.
I hear ya sister!
These days I make up for it by just not going to bed. Makes you feel more in charge.
I'm glad my husband looks more like his mom because it helps to balance out how much he really looks like his dad as he ages.
Hope you get some sleep soon my dear.
(Yoga ... That's my subliminal message)

Thursday, July 16, 2009 2:47:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

MMMMMMMMMM DQ

Thursday, July 16, 2009 3:08:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

...ocd can cause sleeplessness...that racing mind thing is supposed to be a symptom of it.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 3:12:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

I am so sorry about the insomnia! I struggle with it from time to time, and I completely understand.

And for what it's worth, I think it would be hilarious if people found your blog while searchnig for the Duggars... I'm sure there is worse stuff out there :)

Thursday, July 16, 2009 3:36:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I've had insomnia for the past 4 years and I know how craptastic it is and I'm sorry. I take meds, but that's not an awesome answer indefinitely. Or maybe it is. I dunno. Let me know if you want to whine about it together. I'll bring the cheese, yo.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 3:49:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Hello. I'm Brian, and I'm an Insomniac.

I've always assumed that it was to do with having too active a mind. After exerting itself on that video, the cat will probably sleep solidly for several days, but then there isn't an awful lot going on in it's pea-brain.

I can't bring myself to take medication. I do take some comfort in the fact that experts reckon insomniacs actually get more sleep than they think. Even if you're sure you've been awake all night you probably haven't been.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 4:10:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

You are, as always, insanely funny, but I can hear that you're strained. I do hope you get the sleep that's eluding you soon. You can dig your chin into my shoulder anytime.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 4:27:00 PM  
Blogger The Half Assed Housewife said...

You are too funny. I think you may be the only person in the world who's mind moves at the same speed as mine.

I called a guy a douche the other day in front of my 11 year old and his friend. My kid asks what that means. Friend snickers. I tell my kid his friend will tell him later.

I am such a good parent!

Thursday, July 16, 2009 5:33:00 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Darlin' you really need to get some rest. I've got nothing for you because I'm up most of the night myself. Good Luck and if you find something that works pass it along please!

Thursday, July 16, 2009 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I love the word conundrum, but it's the word askew that really gets me excited.

Next time some strange man watches you eat a burger and fries, I suggest chewing with your mouth open and making cow chewing cud noises. Unless he's a real freak, he should look away at the sight of half eaten food appearing in your open mouth(I'd hope so anyway).

I hope you sleep soon, It sucks to be perpetually tired.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 6:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

Oh, you are too funny. I agree with you about J. Gosselin and nail polish. My mind rambles when I can't sleep. I finally have to get up and make a list of everything I'm thinking about because I'm convinced it's so important. But that usually helps.
Night night.

Thursday, July 16, 2009 10:33:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

....sending hugs your way....

i have used an entire bottle of fingernail polish - BUT - i go to the pool a lot and for some reason, i can paint my toe nails before i leave the house for the pool and when i am done swimming, half of it is chipped off. is that what chlorine does to your nails? so what is it doing to my hair?!

Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:41:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

and since you are taknig requests... take a yoga class to learn some pranayama (breathing) techniques. when i have a hard time sleeping (bc hubs has the tv on, his bedside lamp on, playing games on his laptop while his blackberry is blowing up ALL.NIGHT.LONG) i can usually drift off when i do a few minutes of breathing exercises. but i thought it was the staying asleep that you were having trouble with? or is it all forms of sleeping? are you reading this right now? stop it! go to bed! as my mom would say, "close your beady eyes and wait."

Thursday, July 16, 2009 11:49:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Meds. Go to the doctor. Just do it. It will make life easier. After that figure out the "why."

You need sanity, then clarity.

Friday, July 17, 2009 1:44:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Can't believe 18 Kids didn't put you to sleep. I watched the ep where the boy was driving home with his intended and if that kid made one more comment about needing a chaperon I'd have decked the douche bag.

Friday, July 17, 2009 8:58:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

As usual, I agree with you about everything, especially Jon. He might be in my dictionary under douche bag (although I still don't think they should be using that word so much on TV).

I've used a whole bottle of polish. Of course, I was using it to write a note (don't ask).

Hope you sleep soon. Have you had a massage lately? I swear that I had one that cured (albeit temporarily) my insomnia a few years back.

Friday, July 17, 2009 9:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Bee said...

Yep. Jon is an ass.

I shut of my brain by thinking of a very hard word problem:

If Bee only sleeps about 4 hours per night because the dog is getting old and whining all night while her husband sleeps and the back door is approximately 15 feet from the bedroom door and she has one good kicking foot, what force should she apply to bunt her husband up a pine tree?

The word verification is yawine it obviously wants you to drink wine in between yawns.

Friday, July 17, 2009 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

you may be sleepy but you're still funny as hell-even when your words are slurred.... team kate- I LOVE IT!!!

Friday, July 17, 2009 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Oh man. You are tired. I think you can smack your head on the wall until you pass out.

Also, love the frequent use of the word douche.

Friday, July 17, 2009 4:19:00 PM  
Blogger Stone Fox said...

sorry you are feeling so 'zosted. some ideas:

-MEDITATION!!! it's the number 1 stress reducer. it also gives you control over your thoughts, instead of your thoughts controlling you.
-exercise. everyday.
-drink lots of water.
-get your hormones checked.
-sleep when you are tired, no matter what time it is. you are not screwing yourself for the rest of the night, because at worst, you are going to be up all night as usual anyways.

btw, i would so totally hug you and let you get drowsy on my shoulder but because i have been sweaty for most of the day (hot weather, moving furniture/boxes), you would only get to the 'almost-asleep' zone and then think to yourself 'boy she really stinks, i can hardly stand it' and i'd be worried you were thinking that, which would make me self conscious, then i'd start sweating more, and then your face, where it was resting on my shoulder, would get all hot and sweaty from my sweat and your sweat, then you'd stand up and give me that strange look and say, 'k.. well.. thanks' then i'd get self-conscious again and sweat some more, then i'd start worrying about if my breath smelled bad, too, and wondering if you can tell that i'm kind of socially inept and then i'd have to go.. um.. wash my dog. or something.

Friday, July 17, 2009 11:29:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I am with you there in the sleepless boat. I look forward to my nightly fix of "Simply Sleep" like it is a bowl of Stephen Colbert's American Dream ice cream. Yes, it is THAT good.

Oh and if you need to send me an insane sleepless rant of epic proportions, my email address is on my blog :) Take Care Hun.

Oh, and Tool Man, grown the facial hair back for her sanity.

Saturday, July 18, 2009 2:09:00 PM  
Anonymous anita ovolina said...

When my husband is deployed (all the time!!!) I have such a hard time sleeping. I had my doctor giving me some meds for it, but I try to take them only once a week, but I hear you and empathize. I hope you get some good sleep soon!
Cheers,
Anita

Saturday, July 18, 2009 4:54:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

No wonder you can't sleep...all of that is in your head AND you're sort of sleeping with your FIL. shudder.

Kidding. I'm sorry, I hope dumping a little of your hilarious mind on us helps.

Saturday, July 18, 2009 11:35:00 PM  
Blogger JennyMac said...

I hope you get some sleep and somehow eliminate NickelBack from playing on your mental soundtrack...I did mediation...I am Capital Type A too so if it worked for me....:)

Sunday, July 19, 2009 8:40:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Damn you Nickleback! (shaking my fist in the air!) Damn you!!!!!

But yer pretty, oh sweet lust of my life.

Sunday, July 19, 2009 9:07:00 PM  
Blogger Anna See said...

i hate, hate, hate that you aren't sleeping. hope it's okay that i loved reading all of this. all over the place and hilarious. i hope tonight brings sleep.

Monday, July 20, 2009 6:49:00 PM  
Blogger Penney said...

Am I a terrible human being because I think the lack of sleep is making you hilarious??

Monday, July 20, 2009 10:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Barb Chamberlain said...

You are definitely making lemonade out of the no-sleep lemons with this post--sadly hilarious.

Really long suggestion here--

What I used to do for my kids that they still want me to do even though they're now 18 & 15 was a form of gentle hypnosis, maybe--it sure worked on them when their minds were going crazy and they couldn't sleep.

We called it Mommy Magic. I think you can do it for yourself without the touching, or get Tool Man to help (but he has to do this in a completely parental, non-loverly way--this is NOT foreplay, it's a gift he's giving you).

You lie in your favorite sleeping position. As he touches you with a very light, gentle, but not ticklish touch, he speaks in a low, soothing tone--touch accompanies appropriate words. Work your way from feet up the front of the body & down the back (but you don't turn over--he just gives up the touching piece on parts he can name but can't reach).

General approach is to focus on each body part, touch it & tell it to relax. When I talk my way through it I use occasional variations (so the "hypnotizer" person doesn't fall asleep while administering--this works on everyone involved).

So, for example:
Think of your left foot. Feel it letting go, relaxing, calming down. Now think of your left shin. Feel it getting heavy and peaceful. Now think of your left knee. It's relaxed and free. Think of your left quadricep. It's a big muscle and you can feel it getting heavy and sleepy. Now think of your pelvis. It's relaxed and sleepy. Think of your left hip.
etc. etc.

This would give your mind something to do as you focus on each spot and tell it to let go. Even if you don't fall asleep, the relaxation might provide some form of rest.

No fun innuendoes, tickling, or anything that disrupts a gentle, persistent rhythm that works over the whole body. Special attention to the face so you relax chin, mouth, cheeks, eyes, forehead, ears, scalp.

Good luck and sweet dreams.

The word verification is goingnit. Since I'm a knitter and that's a soothing, repetitive hobby, I think that's a good sign. I refuse to let it have anything to do with head lice.

@BarbChamberlain

Tuesday, July 21, 2009 12:08:00 AM  

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