...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, March 29, 2010

i said 'cool, but i'm leavin' my pants on'

My youngest son brought this order form for spring pictures home from school early last week, and friends, I kid you not, I spent the better part of 30 minutes a day since last Tuesday staring at it, wondering why in the world the photography company was recommending the kids be sure to have pants on when Picture Day (the holiest of holy) arrived.

EVERY DAY!! Over my delicious bowl of high fiber cereal, I'd chew away on the fruits and flakes while staring at this sheet. "Of course they'll have pants on!" I'd say to no one. While paying bills, I'd uncover the form while punching numbers into the calculator and shake my head. "Do they seriously think kids are going to show up to school without pants on?" I'd cry, also still to no one.

Finally - FINALLY! - after almost a week of formulating scientific theories and losing sleep over this (it could happen), the reason this pants advisory was on there hit me. Eureka! "It's the pose, dummy!" you're all yelling. "Duh!"

Duh! If you want your kid to splay out like some sort of weird 1970s, 'Do you like my faux fur rug? It is very soft. Come. Lay down, won't you?" pose, pants are where it's at.

::forehead slap::

Good heaven. Seriously. I spent the equivalent of more than FOUR HOURS - though I'm going to round up and say six because it was slow around here over the weekend, which gave me ample opportunity to devote more time to my research - wondering about this! Criminals, are you in the market for a clueless witness? I'm your gal! You know what, geniuses of the world? You can clearly relax. I am no threat to you. Calm down, members of Mensa. I mean you no harm.

(I honestly had to Google 'Mensa' to be sure I had the name right because, well, hi, have you been reading this post? I didn't want to screw it up with 'Menses,' because that's an entirely different kettle of fish now, isn't it - and I interrupt this massive parenthetical outburst to inform you that Tool Man just said I'm like Rain Man smart when it comes to periods...bwahahaha, someone clearly knows the wrath of my mighty PMS sword! When I discovered I was right - back off, geniuses, you're still OK - I decided to take the organization's fun little brain workout and scored 19/30! Nineteen out of 30!! Sure, that's not a great grade - and OK, I cheated on a couple of the questions I got right, and I may have teared up at the math - but damn, people! That's edging pretty darn close to savant territory for the likes of this girl!)

Since unearthing this amazing mystery, I've spent the rest of my time walking around the house saying things like "Whoops! It seems I have forgotten to don pants today!" and "Is it breezy in here, or did I just forget to slip into slacks?" all to the annoyance of my family. Some of them were irritated that I was saying these things in a variety of poorly executed foreign accents. Others simply didn't approve of my use of the word 'slacks.'

Don't worry, though. I actually WAS wearing pants. Need I remind you, I'm not ENTIRELY stupid.

(ahem - 19 out of 30, beeches!)


Speaking of pants, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow afternoon to get the lump in my breast checked, although I suppose if she has me take my pants off to check said lump, I'm going to hop down off the exam table and look into getting a new physician with a better grasp on anatomy. To say I'm not exactly looking forward to this visit would be an understatement. However, I'm doing everything in my power to pin down some of the courage I crave and that I spoke of in the above linked post and take this step. I'm also doing everything I can to believe that this lump is not something bad. It's just not...because I honestly don't want to imagine that it could be something bad. That's not to say those thoughts haven't tried to creep in. They have. They're sinister that way. I just, to paraphrase one of the Mensa brain workout questions, can't count my chickens before they're hatched.

Anyway, I'm finally going the doctor tomorrow, and at least that part of all the dark parts of my life will be crossed off my list (it will...it will...it will...). I wish my Tool Man was coming along, but apparently, he has to be out of town for work. I guess that's OK. I mean, there's not going to be any chickens to count when the appointment's done, right? Right.



So that's where I'll be, thanks in no small part to all of you who so kindly kicked my butt in that direction, which, come to think of it, maybe I will keep my pants off when I see the doctor. That way I can talk to her about the bruises you all left on my posterior. In the meantime, if you're inclined to toss up good thoughts, I'd be very willing to catch some pop flies.



Blogger Meg said...

You totally had me laughing about the pants thing. I'm surprised it took you that long. I think all those John Hughes movies have rubbed off a bit too much.

Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you!

Monday, March 29, 2010 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

We got the same photo form here out East. Thing 2 was quick to point out that his PJs had pants, hence PJs were more than acceptable. Dang kids.

I'll light Sixteen Candles for you tomorrow.

Monday, March 29, 2010 10:58:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I'd show up in short pants because I like using archaic terminology....

Monday, March 29, 2010 11:05:00 PM  
Blogger Barb Chamberlain said...

You mean it's wrong to use poorly executed foreign accents? Dang. I'll have to change my whole approach to bad humor.

It will be a cyst, I'm just sure of it. Went through that particular hell-and-panic myself several years ago so that's what I'm visualizing for you.

The word verification is "refin", which you can totally make into some kind of Cheech and Chong joke to go with one of your bad accents.


Monday, March 29, 2010 11:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Words and Eggs said...

1. Catch my well-wishing pop fly, cuz it's flailing for you.
2. I *completely* had no clue what the pants recommendation meant, either. WTF?!
3. I'm also especially fond of the boy = blue, girl = pink gender-specific clothing.
4. Mensas, Menses...same diff, really. They both tire me out until I'm comatose.

Monday, March 29, 2010 11:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Will be thinking about you all the time.

Sans pants.

Cause that is what we do here in Oz.

(Damn Emo's and their hangers on will not be too happy about the lack of parental pantage but it is all for you baby!)

((and let me know how it goes OK? It is starting to get a little chilly here and I might have to go out for milk or something))

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 5:19:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

No school kid wears pants here starting April 1st. Doesn't matter if it's 20 degrees; rules are rules and if you don't HAVE to wear pants, you don't.

Thinking of you today.....

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 5:50:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 7:53:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Try this again...

I'm so glad you're going to the doctor tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you.

And the only time you're allowed to go pants-free in a picture is at the DMV.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 7:55:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

Good luck at the doctor! Here's hoping for a clogged duct.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:26:00 AM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

So, will you be forgoing a shirt in order to make it easier at the doctor's office?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:43:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Sending up a prayer or two for your visit w/ the doc today. Be not afraid. . .

And as far as obliviousness goes - the 'Mensa/menses' pun has never remotely occurred to me. I salute you. . .

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow....pants or no pants.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Best of luck at the doctor.

As far as the pants go...George Constanza.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 9:37:00 AM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

My goodness, what an odd pose for a school photo brochure!
Thinking about you and glad you're getting everything checked out.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 10:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking safe, happy, everything's going to be fine kind of thoughts for you today.

And while I did immediately catch on to the "Should wear pants" phrase what I really wanted to know was why anyone would WANT their kids to pose that way?!?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Monique said...

Sending the positive thoughts your way!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

Seriously, am I the only one that got sucked into the Mensa quiz? Come on people, I need someone to be competitive WITH. I got a 23. Visual shit, I can't do visual shit. Anyway, all the doctor will likely do is send you for a test, be they nay be able to tell by feel if it seems like a clogged duct or something worse. It's gonna be a big old nothing. I promise.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 1:15:00 PM  
Blogger Ally said...

This pants thing is NO JOKE! My husband has some school photos of him in a lovely shirt and tie and SHORTS! You can see them clear as day, 1980s Jamz. It looks awful!

Good luck to you with doctor.

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 2:11:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

rofl@pants thing; and sending loads of pop-fly-good-thoughts-prayers-well-wishes for you. Pants or no pants, you can have the thoughts anyway.


Thinking of bad accent-humor, the word verification is: "codstan". I won't tell you *what* accent I just said that in...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 6:56:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Pop fly right to you, my dear! Best of news, all right? xoxo

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 7:05:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I so get you. I have spent hours solving similar mysteries. I still remember the moment I realized why the radio always reported on the "inner loop" and the "outer loop" traffic in D.C. I'd be all THERE'S ONLY ONE LOOP!! (Um, yeah, dingbat, but you can drive on it in two directions.)

So happy to hear that you have an appointment. I'll be thinking of you.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

I am sending my courage to you. Lots of it...

And the pants recommended... Well. I can only imagine the shots where the kids FORGOT them. Can you imagine the embarrassment of THAT photo shoot? Yikes.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 12:05:00 AM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

love to get a shot of you on with your 'come hither' look at the Dr. ..question is, full length or shortie paper smock? Seriously, wishing you the best of luck tomorrow.

(this cracked me up , by the way because I didn't figure it out until I read your 'slap on the head!)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 1:25:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

**HUGS* and fingers crossed for you!! AWW tool man--stay in town!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 7:31:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I thought the same thing at first - pants? What? Ha.

Glad you made the appointment, but try not to worry. There are lots of different kinds of lumps. I had a fibroadenoma when I was pregnant. Turns out, it's kind of common, but no one tells you that.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

I hope your appointment went well, and I'm so sorry I missed that post because I too would have been kicking you in the posterior. In a very loving way of course...

I've been through the same thing both with the childrens picture packet and the lump in the breast. The kids pictures turned out okay because I did have the sense to dress them in pants and the lump was a result of entirely too much caffeine.

I pray you have the same results and I'm sure you will!

Much Love!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 9:08:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa {Suger} said...

Haha. MOST of my days sound like this! lol Great Post!

Thursday, April 01, 2010 5:17:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

good thoughts coming your way. glad you've got the appt.

and were i in your house i'd have totally joined you in the using of various accents to declare pantlessness.

Thursday, April 01, 2010 8:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

Hoping the very best for you after your appointment... updates soon, please.

I'd make a joke here about not wearing any pants, but honestly I don't see what's so funny. I never wear pants for pictures and I haven't had any complaints yet.

Thursday, April 01, 2010 9:43:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

My five year old regularly walks out of the house without any pants, so this is not so far fetched for him...

Friday, April 02, 2010 3:58:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

I always advice that you wear pants except I would have insisted that my kid go in a tutu. Even my son.

Sunday, April 04, 2010 8:17:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Completely late to this post.

For the record, I had no idea why they said "Pants recommended" until you explained it. I'm totally NOT clicking over to the Mensa quiz.

Monday, April 05, 2010 1:32:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I can't stop laughing, and as the mother of young boys, I can't get the image of a room full of kids in t-shirts and briefs out of my head.

(Still thinking of you till you get the results back. I'm glad she wasn't shocked or horrified... sticking to the positive thoughts!)

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 1:03:00 AM  
Anonymous MommyGeek said...

You're hilarious.. honestly I thought the SAME THING when I saw that photo.

Good luck at your appointment honey. Sending much, MUCH good luck, RIGHT at you.

Monday, April 12, 2010 9:55:00 AM  
Anonymous MommyGeek said...

Right, so I recently told my Google Reader to give me the oldest posts first, but I forgot, so I didn't check the date, and now I must go through your blog to see what happened with this appointment.

Monday, April 12, 2010 9:56:00 AM  

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