...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

well you're a real tough cookie...

So I've been in a bit of a funk lately, which I suppose is a very 1950s way of saying I think it's time to concede that I'm depressed.

Ragingly, put on a happy face and pretend I'm not, "Me? Oh, I'm good, thanks for asking," depressed.



You don't know this, of course, because I don't talk about it here, and when I hint at it, as I sometimes do, it's just that. A hint. An ingredient in the mix you can't really be sure is in there, but you kind of pick up the subtle nuance of something different when it hits you right there on the back notes of the funny, and if I told you it's been hanging around for a long, long, long time, you might be surprised. Maybe not. I'm not good at guessing things. Suffice to say, this sadness and resignation and disappointment has been a shadow I can't seem to shake for more than half the life of this blog, but instead of telling you about that (out of sadness and resignation and disappointment and what's this? Oh, yes, fear), I tell you about my lust for Joe Jonas (so very solid) and taste in bad music (um, I buy Jonas Brothers cd's, friends).

And in the case of this post, I give it to you this way.

So I'm depressed. Without question. Some people try to combat depression in a variety of ways. Maybe working out. Perhaps meditating. How about writing? Me? I decide to bake! Last week, I holed up in my kitchen and was a muffin-making, cookie-baking, issues-ignoring fiend. If my doorbell had rang and I'd opened it to find Hansel and Gretel standing outside, I'd have not been the least bit surprised.

When I finished, I decided it was time to sample my work. Solely for quality control purposes. And because chocolate chip cookies are my nemesis ("You'll never defeat me, cookies!" laughed her thighs, though it was hard to tell if that sound was a laugh or a desperate cry for help because the way they rubbed together had a tendency to muffle her authority). When I lunged for the rack of still warm from the oven treats, I was stopped in my tracks at the site of this:

Do you see it? Do you? No, that's not the face of Jesus in my cookie, but rather that of a grumpy old man!

(Some of you may wonder if there's a difference between the two possibilities, and, well, I'm no Bible expert, but yeah, I think there is. Your results may vary.)

Seriously, take a closer look! Do you see it now? No? OK, let me present a more in-depth analysis put together by a crack team of investigators equipped with both time on their hands and the latest in photo editing software:

That (when you click on it to enlarge it so as to read the witty bon mots because, look at that, I adore tiny point sizes!) appears to be irrefutable evidence that my cookie, much like myself, has a bad attitude and could perhaps benefit from a prescription for an MAO inhibitor. It could also be confused with the look my mother would have given me had she been here and seen me about to gorge myself on super chunk cookies, but that's another issue I've secretly been dealing with for years, too, and I shall not burden you with it today.

I confess to hesitating a bit before eating this particular cookie, and perhaps praying to the deliciously gooey melted chocolate contained within, but then I remembered how much I love cookies and how much I needed an outlet, however temporary, to squelch my feelings, and this (and three of its nondescript counterparts)(OK, six, MOTHER!)(hush now)(it was spread out throughout the late afternoon)(if by late afternoon, you accept that it was 15 minutes)(it was more like five)(like you haven't) seemed to do the trick.

So, long story short, I'm depressed and, when it comes to these kinds of things, that's just how the cookie grumbles.



Blogger Sarahf said...

I didn't even need the witty bon mots, although they were appreciated, certainly a grumpy old man cookie. Now, when you talk about you "inner grumpy old man", it'll be the truth, because he's right there in your stomach. The cookie does look good, I'd have eaten all of them in a few minutes.
Hope things get better soon.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 9:16:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

You really should have shellacked it so all the villagers could worship it later on.

Sorry you're depressed. Have you tried drinking? I hear that works. Or makes it worse. I never remember.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 9:17:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Although I like the bon mots, I do have to confess I could see the old man without the diagram- does that mean... well, I guess it means my brain is as functional as yours.

How did you manage to spread 'em out over 5 minutes? Fresh-baked? I'm sooo there.

As to depression- well, it sucks, big time. I hope you get whatever help you need- (I find better living through drugs is a viable option) (OK, they're prescription, for 2 reasons; 1, is that I wouldn't know how to find anything else, anymore, and 2, is that I find insurance paying for them is a good thing).

Tuesday, October 12, 2010 9:56:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Oh boy, I also saw the grump before you pointed him out!

Wish we lived closer so we could hang and do girlfriend stuff. I don't have any answers to the depression, but I'm a good listener!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 6:46:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Kee-rist, I'm right there with you minus the cookies. Can't even get the happy face on anymore. Sleeping is good but doesn't solve much in the long or short run.

We could make a pact to climb out of the hole together. How's that sound?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 6:52:00 AM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

i'm sorry you are depressed. if your cookie looked like this, i can only imagine what mine would have looked like-- a raging b*tch?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:14:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Well, if you shellacked it and hung it from your front porch, you could have a steady stream of credulous Catholics genuflecting on your front lawn. Especially if you told 'em it was Saint Ashbergus, or something. . . And then you could set up a business selling St-A-face cookies at wildly inflated prices. Or even turn your kitchen into a shrine. . .

As to the other stuff, I'm not sure I've got much for ya. Life's disappointments and disillusionments have tended to kick me sideways, too. Exercise and eating right are good (as they are for most things), and staying connected to a good network of supportive friends/family. But sometimes, all I could do was just keep getting out of bed and about my business, as best I could. And, in the fullness of time, that helped, too.

You will certainly be in my prayers, tho, no matter what. . .

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry


Wednesday, October 13, 2010 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

When I'm depressed, which I call the "Stay at home parent's vacation" I sit in my big chair and stay up way too late at night and eat everything. If I baked a delicious looking chocolate chip old man face cookie, I'd take one beat, grin wryly and then bark a warning, "Look out old man, I'm gonna make out with you with my teeth!" and then it would be gone.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 11:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. Depression really, really sucks (I'm sure you know that). I'll try to think some happy thoughts and hope they get to you. HUGS!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 1:06:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I'm down in that trench with ya (are you feeling slightly claustro, too? our racks are taking up all the room down here!)
searching the internet for funnies to cheer me up and saw this at notalwaysright.com, thought of you:

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have an ‘ology’ section?”

Me: “Are you looking for biology, psychology, sociology?”

Customer: “No, just ‘ology’.”

Me: “I’m not sure what that is. Maybe you could explain it to me?”

Customer: “You know, speeches people give at funerals.”

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 1:13:00 PM  
Blogger SciFi Dad said...

This feels like some kind alcohol induced dream I'd have after watching last week's Glee (Grilled Cheesus) with a Pat Benatar soundtrack.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

Totally saw the grumpy old man immediately!
Sorry you're down. I know how that is - really, I do. Baking is good, eating better. I also stay up too late, screw around on twitter and watch stupid shows on television. :) Hang in there.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 7:05:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

I first tried out eHarmony when I was severely depressed. I answered all the questions honestly. They then rejected me and said they couldn't help me. Which made me feel even worse. I will bake and eat a batch of cookies with you in absentia as a show of solidarity and gang up on some depression. We'll show them we too have a strong history, of breaking little hearts like the one in him (depression). :-)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 7:16:00 PM  
Blogger Crazy Computer Dad said...

er, long history.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 7:16:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

Hey there hot cakes, you and I have more in common than lip balm.

I immediately saw the grumpy old man face in the cookie. Immediately.

It could be my cookie because like you, I too have an inner 12 year old but I also have an inner 72 year old...sigh.

Lets eat cookies dipped in denture cream drizzled with apricot brandy...okay?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 8:34:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

You're even funny when you're depressed! Alcohol and sleeping pills works wonders (that was actually a little joke when I was in mental health--we had to laugh at something).
*hugs to you my dear*

Thursday, October 14, 2010 7:30:00 AM  
Blogger Ali said...

it's most definitely a grumpy old man. saw it RIGHT away.

perhaps you need a Betty Draper fainting couch for your funk spells?!?

Thursday, October 14, 2010 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

I could easily see the grumpy old man, but then again I'm married to one! Ba-DUM-bum!

I'm always seeing faces in my food! I wouldn't worry about eating a grumpy looking cookie because it surely tastes good and THAT would cheer you up!

Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:23:00 PM  
Blogger tracey.becker1@gmail.com said...

I bake when I am down, too. Not always the best choice as I'm extremely indignant about the status of my thighs, but I currently have a pumpkin bread on my stovetop as I type this.

Sigh... Hormones, moods, seasonal changes, life in general... It can all become quite difficult to carry, can't it? The ONLY thing that gets me through my regular depressions is the knowledge that it WILL pass. I have been through it and come out many times. I know I will meet depression again and again and I am ok with that for it makes me appreciate the peaks in my life that much more.

Know that things will always be different with time. ALWAYS.

Hang in there.

Thursday, October 14, 2010 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Worth it just to make it to the last line.

Go to my blog for properly musical defunkifying.

Friday, October 15, 2010 12:05:00 AM  
Anonymous nick said...

Put it on eBay as the Grumpy Old Blessed Virgin cookie. Someone will..um... bite.

Friday, October 15, 2010 10:56:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

nicely deflected with the perfect shield of a gooey rohrshach cookie. joking aside, i do wish you fullness of heart over fullness of thigh.

Saturday, October 16, 2010 8:51:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Come on over! I eat when I'm depressed, so we'd be perfect together.

Saturday, October 16, 2010 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Wait - so if we saw the grumpy old man without the hints, does that mean we're depressed too? 'Cause I sure would love to blame this shit on something.

I feel ya, honey.

Sunday, October 17, 2010 1:28:00 PM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...

I do see that grumpy old man in the cookie.

I totally eat when I'm feeling down. Dr. Phil would be appalled.

Sunday, October 17, 2010 10:40:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I saw it immediately and I would have eaten it too.

I'm really sorry about the depression. That isn't easy to take on or to admit, especially as the winter sets in. We'll all be here reading, if it helps you.

Monday, October 18, 2010 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

Send some cookies my way. I'm depressed too but I've been on antidepressants all of my adult life. Your expression of it is way better than mine, "Waaaaaaaaah!"

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 10:54:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

First, to you all, please forgive me the time it's take to get back to your very kind comments. I've been hanging back in the corners for awhile, and while it's not a great excuse, it's been what I need to do, maybe.

Sarahf - After I ate the grumpy old man cookie, I ate enough of his less unhappy cohorts to feel my stomach want to burst. Oh, yes, that dude was raising a fit.

Libby - I will share a box of wine with you. By share, of course, I mean we should both probably get our own. We can consume at the same time, though.

Sailor - There's a wealth of things that need to be tackled here to help start conquering these feelings. I eat cookies while making my list of what those things are.

Cocotte - You, friend, are a sweetheart. I wish the same.

Cheryl - I keep thinking the light at the top of the hole has to be getting closer, right? I'm still digging.

Anna - If you had a raging bitch cookie, my grumpy old man cookie would have challenged her to a duel! Then we could have made up in the end!

Craig - I have a hard enough time trying to get out of my driveway with the basketball hoop on one side and the truck on the other, I don't need to add throngs of cookie lovers to the danger! Thanks for the prayers, friend.

FL - Thank you, truly.

Homemaker Man - Based on your witty words, I totally want to hang out with you and bask in all that is clever about you.

Meg - I'll take any and all, hun. Thank you.

1blueshi1 - That joke pretty much represents four of the 15 total hours I work each week!

SciFi Dad - Had it been an actual Jesus face, I'd have fallen to my knees. I'd still have eaten the cookie, mind you, but I'd have done it with more reverence than I did with that one!

pgoodness - I would bake all the cookies they wanted if the sleep gods would be willing to barter.

Crazy Computer Dad - How very lovely to see you here! Your story...sigh...how depressing! It made me smile a bit, but don't take that the wrong way. Just know that, if it was me, I think the same thing would happen. I raise a cookie to you!

A Vapid Blonde - Denture cream? That sounds like a deliciously intense creamy center!

Christina - Humor - Defense mechanisms FTW! Heh! Thanks for the hugs.

Ali - I would like a Betty Draper fainting couch. Then I would also like a Don Draper 'whoops, I just fell on top of you and sorry, that seems to be my penis' to follow... ;)

Pat - I tend to see faces in the patterns on our bathroom floors and in the popcorn ceilings. Then I get the urge to clean and/or eat popcorn. Pretty much, I can bring everything back to food.

Tracey - Thank you for your words. Having endured some of these same feelings before, I am relieved to know that it can (and will) be conquered. I've just got to overcome this feeling that there is SO MUCH to be conquered and then start doing it.

Kevin - You're always good to me, pal.

Nick - Heh! If I could drive up the price, it would come in handy with the holidays coming.

lime - My thighs heartily agree with your words and my heart, well, it thanks you.

Chag - There's chocolate chocolate chunk cookies in my house now!

justmakingourway - Oh, honey, I hope you're not depressed like this...but ha, your question made me smile because I hadn't even thought of it like that! Hugs to you...

WhisperingWriter - Dr. Phil would tell me I need to start getting real real quick...and then I'd probably really go eat some more cookies!

anymommy - Thank you, lovely lady. I so very much appreciate your words here and in your own space.

Bex - I think I'd be better off swapping out the calorie counts on some meds over all the cookies I've taken in lately!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 12:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...

I totally saw the grumpy old man! Wow. Is that a sign or what.
I'm with you in the dumps, darling. Tough times up here in Cat land right now, too. ;(

Perhaps we should have a support group where we eat lots of cookies regardless of their faces. What's the half-way point between you & I? We can meet there for a weekend.

You in? ;)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 1:23:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Cat - There has to be a reasonable halfway point. I'm just afraid that authorities would find my bloated body alongside the road when I didn't show up on time. Of course, it wouldn't be bloated because something bad happened to me and no one found me for days, but rather because I' eaten all the cookies I'd packed along. And then some more. And probably some more after that.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010 2:41:00 PM  
Blogger Amy W said...

Thank you for making me giggle while holed up in this god-forsaken hospital. Adorable mustache or not, I agree, the cookie had to be eaten.

Hope the grumbling has subsided and you are feeling more upbeat.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010 3:42:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but thank you for speaking about it. It is one of your gifts that you remain a riot (of the funny, not prison-breaking variety) even while down.

And isn't baking how everyone stuffs down their feelings? No, just you & me?

Monday, October 25, 2010 12:59:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I hope you ate up that depression cookie and showed him who is boss.

And um...take care of yourself? M'kay?

Thursday, October 28, 2010 10:53:00 AM  

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