...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, August 03, 2009

...and then i wondered if my coworker thinks i'm as old as his mom

Coworker, after commenting on my reading glasses: "My mom had to get glasses a few months ago. She was diagnosed with a stigmata."

Me: "She was diagnosed with WHAT?"

Coworker: "A stigmata. The eye doctor said she has a stigmata."

Me: "Your mom's eyes are like the wounds of the crucified body of Christ?"

Coworker: "Huh?"

Me: "Is your mom a nun?"

Coworker, waving hands over the length of his body like a game show hostess: "Um...hello? I'm the oldest of six kids."

Me: "I think perhaps you're confusing stigmata with astigmatism"

Coworker: "Are you sure?"

Me: "How lucky we work in a bookstore! Follow me to the reference section and let's have a chat with Webster's, shall we?"

--- a few moments later, confusion abated ---

Coworker: "Could you imagine if you had an astigmatism and your eye was really bothering you, so you reached up to rub it, and when your pulled your hand away, you discovered it was covered in blood..."

Me: "...and you were all, 'Crap! First an astigmatism, but stigmata TOO?!' and you were always having to clean your glasses, but it was difficult because your hands were such a mess?"

Coworker: "Exactly!"

Me: "That would totally suck."

Coworker: "It would also make it really tough to be a thief."

Me: "Because it would be so hard to see, what with the astigmatism and all?"

Coworker: Sure...but mostly because you'd be likely to be caught red handed."

(I know, I know...so I won't tell you that this absolutely went on our entire shift)(and maybe I shouldn't tell you I taught preschool-age Sunday school this past weekend)(but both are true)

Labels:

48 Comments:

Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

There used to be a commercial for Focus contact lenses on Comedy Central back in the late 90s when Comedy Central only had one sponsor and that was Focus contact lenses. The commercial featured a slight women wearing glasses who began: "I have astigmatism...." and then more dialogue I don't remember genuinely because in my mind it's always conflated with the Sally Struthers correspondence school commercials where she opens with "Do you want to make more money? Of course, we all do."

So, whenever I see the word "astigmatism" I immediately envision a slight woman wearing glasses saying "Do you have astigmatism? Of course, we all do."

And that's my story about astigmatism.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 1:28:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

It may be the 2 glasses of wine I just drank, (I'll have to check back in the morning) but you have me laughing out loud for real.

Dude! What a mess... that WOULD totally suck.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:27:00 AM  
Blogger Under the Influence said...

I bet all those preschoolers are getting their eyes checked right now in case they, too, have a stigmata. That is what you taught them on Sunday, isn't it?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 3:18:00 AM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Brilliant!

If you really want to confuse, er, enlighten your coworker you could explain that "a stigmata" couldn't possibly be correct, since stigmata is a plural form ("ma" being a common form of 3rd declension neuter nouns), so it wouldn't take the singular indefinite article.

Magic word verification: "sadso" - probably an accurate description of this comment ;-)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 4:38:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

http://extremealphageek.com/blog/2009/07/24/eye-stigmata-foamy-the-squirrel

for your viewing pleasure.... as it refers to your conversation with the aforementioned coworker....

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 4:44:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

...and now I WANT to work in your book store. I just imagine the bloggy material now....

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 5:40:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

LOL, and that's how you pull me out of lurkdom, fadkog. Can't resist a word nerd tale turned quirky.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 5:48:00 AM  
Blogger Whitemist said...

I have to ask a friend if there are many conversations like this in bookstores, they are a riot. Much better than the ones I have been gettting (pre full moon insanity).

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 6:24:00 AM  
Blogger Middle Aged Woman said...

From one of my favorite movies,"Oh my God. I could be bleeding out my eyes, and you guys would still mke me go to school."

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 6:34:00 AM  
Blogger Always Home and Uncool said...

Jesus, 'twas funny.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 7:20:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I'm sorry - but retail jobs REQUIRE this kind of banter. Actually - andy job does. Work is boring. Stigmata is entertaining.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 7:44:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

When I was a kid, I always thought it was "a stigmatism." You know, he's got a stigmatism. Those darn stigmatisms.

Now you just need to stop bullying random kids, evidently. With threats of astigmatism.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 7:47:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

I was the same as FTN - thought it was a stigmatism. The bullying of the kids is cracking me up; I just read the previous post's comments!

Anyway, this whole post reminds me that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing for kids these days.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 7:58:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Jeez you get it at home ABD work?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 8:13:00 AM  
Blogger Badass Geek said...

CSI teams would have a hey-day with their Lumenol at a crime scene caused by a person with stigmata.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 8:24:00 AM  
Blogger The Half Assed Housewife said...

And what is this child's drug of choice?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

There you go again, stigmatizing some poor kid, just because he's a bit loose on his dictionary. . .

You bully. . .

;)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 9:28:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

That is hilarious. I can promise you I will never hear the words astigmatism again and not think of your comment back to him about the crucified body of Jesus...he'll likely never forget either!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:00:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Does Lasik surgery fix Stigmata?

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!!! you pretty much handled that the way i would have, from using the reference section to making jokes about it all afternoon...after having been responsible earlier for shaping the spiritual lives of young, impressionable children.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:22:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

That's a brilliant conversation and I wish the people I worked with were that clever. Alas, I'm still trying to stop them from using derogatory terms or racial slurs in my presense. Wittiness would be too much to ask for.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:35:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I was thinking more along the lines of bloody fingerprints, but "caught red-handed" works, too.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:44:00 AM  
Blogger calicobebop said...

Lol - must be a fun place to work!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 1:30:00 PM  
Blogger Maureen@IslandRoar said...

This is so funny. Bet it happens a lot.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

You are my hero.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:00:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I needed the laugh. Wounds of Christ hit the work place. Hmmm... just typing that makes me think that lightening is going to strike me down dead.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 2:42:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

I'm currently in "I should be cleaning my house" mode- I can't seem to wrap my arms fully around the amount of stained clothing and subsequent laundry from a serious case of stigmata.

Because trying to launder those socks? Now THAT would totally suck.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 3:19:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

You must be so much fun to work with! I love that you layed along and that the two of you stretched it out through tthe shift :)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 3:50:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

Alternate post title:

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Part 2

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 5:59:00 PM  
Blogger Dana's Brain said...

Seriously hilarious!! I love it when stuff like that gets started at work and just has you laughing the entire day.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 7:06:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I literally splurted with laughter when I read *stigmata* SPLURTED! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 10:52:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm guessing if that happened you'd never be able to wear white again either. I mean, have you TRIED to get blood out of a white shirt? Nightmare!

To make things easier, I'd suggest that person just wear rusty brown all the time.

I'm thinking.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009 11:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

Oh, this would be perfect for my mother-in-law who insists that she has "Immaculate Congeneration". Apparently this is a fusion of "Immaculate Conception" and "Macular Degeneration" that will leave her blind but without sin. She has also joined a group for the blind and has received many aids for her "blindness" while never actually being diagnosed with anything more serious than a cataract. It would be fun to see how far she'd get with the "stigmata" thing.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 12:50:00 AM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

I never really thought about the down side of a stigmata!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 8:16:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Hmmmmm. . . Maybe that's why the Franciscans wear those brown robes all the time. . .

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 8:23:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

I love conversations on wounds of Christ and eye disorders all in the same paragraph.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Blogger Phyllis RenĂ©e said...

Hey girl! Yes, it's really me and I really do still read your blog. Just, this time, I'm at a real computer and not just on my phone. So I thought I'd say hi. "HI!"

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

I have a stigmata. No really. On my wrist. It's a big fat round scar from when I burned myself on the grill. And I'm pretty sure Jesus was strung up by the wrist and not the hand. So yeah, I've got that. But it doesn't affect my reading.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Man, Seth. That was some awesome dialogue!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 2:34:00 PM  
Blogger The Nice One said...

LMAO...stigmata/astigmatism, whatever, it's all the same.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

I think I just learned something new. Should I have admitted that?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart in P Towne said...

Now, that was funny.

Thursday, August 06, 2009 7:04:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Cleverly funny! LOL!

Thursday, August 06, 2009 2:02:00 PM  
Blogger MadameQueen said...

Can I come and work there? Just for a little while? So I can have conversations like that?

I saw something zombie related the other day and thought of you. :)

Thursday, August 06, 2009 3:34:00 PM  
Blogger Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

How wonderful that you saw that as a teachable moment and not as an attempt to make you feel like a farsighted old lady. ;)

Thursday, August 06, 2009 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

I'm sending this to my mom and then she's telling you you ARE going to hell. Then she will laugh.

Thursday, August 06, 2009 8:49:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

I love it when something is so funny, you spend the rest of the day adding to it, making it even funnier. Life = funny.

Friday, August 07, 2009 4:39:00 PM  
Blogger msprimadonna67 said...

This post just made my day!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009 12:05:00 PM  

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