happy birthday, aleksander kwasniewski!
Who's Aleksander Kwasniewski, you ask? Just the former president of Poland, and today he celebrates his 56th birthday! So happy birthday, you crazy Kwasniewski! Party like the former head of state you are!
You know who could write a kick ass, brain worm of a party song for the birthday boy? Chad mutha-flippin' Kroeger! Who's Chad Kroeger, you ask? Wha? Do you people live under a rock? He's none other than the lead singer of Nickelback! I figure you'd know that when I used the words 'brain worm' to describe one of his songs. Listen, we all say we hate Nickelback, blah, blah, blah, but deep down, you know when one of their songs comes on the radio, you're like "Hey man, is that Freedom Rock?" But no, it's Nickelback, and before you know what's happening, you're singing along, even if it's to that annoying Photograph song.
ESPECIALLY if it's that annoying Photograph song.
However, Chad Kroeger might be too busy to write a song for Aleksander Kwasniewski that sounds hauntingly like all his other songs. Care to guess why? Anyone? No? Well, if you had guessed it's because Chad's celebrating his birthday today, too, then ding, ding, ding! You'd have been right! Chad Kroeger turns 36 today, folks! Happy birthday, you amazing troubadour!
Maybe now you're thinking, "This is all very interesting, fadkog, but honestly, it's also a little boring. Who cares that it's Aleksander Kwasniewski's and Chad Kroeger's birthday today? I mean, other than Ed Asner and maybe Anni-Frid Lyngstad, the redheaded singer from Swedish pop super group ABBA, the one you once dreamed of being while singing along to 'Fernando' in your childhood bedroom, both of whom are also celebrating birthdays today, who really cares?"
Um, how about MY MOTHER!? The woman who gave birth to ME! ON THIS SAME DAY?!
That's right. I share a birthday with this notable list of individuals (and Randy Savage, who I neglected to mention, but fist bumps, Macho Man), so that means I get to blow out some birthday candles today, too, assuming my above mentioned mother and/or husband decide who might be responsible for making me a cake. You could probably go back in the blog archives to determine my actual age, but to save you time, I'll simply tell you I fall somewhere between everyone I've mentioned.
I've been getting a lot of spam emails lately wishing me a happy birthday, and those have meant a lot to me. I've also been getting a lot of junk mail about erectile dysfunction and ways in which I can achieve a younger penis. Apparently, when you reach my age, you morph into a man with a sluggish trouser snake. Based on the giant black hair I plucked from my chin today after mistaking it for an errant eyelash (and then weeping because gah, giant black chin hair(s)), there may be some validity to that. But here's the deal. I want a lot of things for my birthday, but a younger penis? OK, who am I kidding. Maybe. But I'm not so sure that would make my husband happy.
("Mine's younger than yours," he just told me when I mentioned that line. Apparently, although he is just a smidgen younger than me, his mind and ability to discern the difference between us is slipping fast)(or I am, in fact, slowly morphing into a man)
The few times I've floated around the Internet this month, I noticed people offering advice to the 16-year-old version of themselves. I've been giving some thought this week to what I'd tell the younger version of me, especially since every time I get on Facebook now, many of the girls I graduated high school with are announcing the arrival of a new grandchild, which makes them GRANDMOTHERS!!! When did I get old enough to possibly be someone's grandmother?! It's my belief that if a photo of one of these new grandbabies causes my ovaries to seize and release a million viable eggs in my desperate, soul crushing desire for another child, then I shouldn't be old enough to be in such a category.
What else would I tell 16 year old me? A few things. For starters, that boy you loved, the one who took you to prom and was the stuff of teenage romance novels? One day, he's not going to remember your name (true, recent story), so when he asks if you want to have sex with him, remember how proud I still am of you for not caving. Also, you're not going to believe this, teenage me, but Madonna? Yeah. She's still around. I know that's not so much advice as it's really just a statement, but seriously, can you believe it? You know what else you're not going to believe 16 year old me? At 43, you're STILL going to break out with zits, and yes, it's still just as annoying and inconvenient now as it was then. Thankfully, your Dad won't want to try and pop them every night after dinner, though, so yeah for being a grownup!
Finally, young me, you have pretty awesome taste in music. One day, you're going to turn the radio on and you're going to hear some guy growling over the roar of guitars. That's Chad Kroeger and his band, Nickelback. You're not going to like them. Especially that annoying Photograph song. But when it's his birthday, you're going to give him his due.
Happy birthday, Chad mutha-flippin' Kroeger. You, too, Aleksander Kwasniewsk!
And, yeah, OK. Me, too.