...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, November 15, 2010

happy birthday, aleksander kwasniewski!

Who's Aleksander Kwasniewski, you ask? Just the former president of Poland, and today he celebrates his 56th birthday! So happy birthday, you crazy Kwasniewski! Party like the former head of state you are!

You know who could write a kick ass, brain worm of a party song for the birthday boy? Chad mutha-flippin' Kroeger! Who's Chad Kroeger, you ask? Wha? Do you people live under a rock? He's none other than the lead singer of Nickelback! I figure you'd know that when I used the words 'brain worm' to describe one of his songs. Listen, we all say we hate Nickelback, blah, blah, blah, but deep down, you know when one of their songs comes on the radio, you're like "Hey man, is that Freedom Rock?" But no, it's Nickelback, and before you know what's happening, you're singing along, even if it's to that annoying Photograph song.

ESPECIALLY if it's that annoying
Photograph song.

However, Chad Kroeger might be too busy to write a song for Aleksander Kwasniewski that sounds hauntingly like all his other songs. Care to guess why? Anyone? No? Well, if you had guessed it's because Chad's celebrating his birthday today, too, then ding, ding, ding! You'd have been right! Chad Kroeger turns 36 today, folks! Happy birthday, you amazing troubadour!


Maybe now you're thinking,
"This is all very interesting, fadkog, but honestly, it's also a little boring. Who cares that it's Aleksander Kwasniewski's and Chad Kroeger's birthday today? I mean, other than Ed Asner and maybe Anni-Frid Lyngstad, the redheaded singer from Swedish pop super group ABBA, the one you once dreamed of being while singing along to 'Fernando' in your childhood bedroom, both of whom are also celebrating birthdays today, who really cares?"

Um, how about MY MOTHER!? The woman who gave birth to ME! ON THIS SAME DAY?!

That's right.
I share a birthday with this notable list of individuals (and Randy Savage, who I neglected to mention, but fist bumps, Macho Man), so that means I get to blow out some birthday candles today, too, assuming my above mentioned mother and/or husband decide who might be responsible for making me a cake. You could probably go back in the blog archives to determine my actual age, but to save you time, I'll simply tell you I fall somewhere between everyone I've mentioned.

I've been getting a lot of spam emails lately wishing me a happy birthday, and those have meant a lot to me. I've also been getting a lot of junk mail about erectile dysfunction and ways in which I can achieve a younger penis. Apparently, when you reach my age, you morph into a man with a sluggish trouser snake. Based on the giant black hair I plucked from my chin today after mistaking it for an errant eyelash (and then weeping because gah, giant black chin hair(s)), there may be some validity to that. But here's the deal. I want a lot of things for my birthday, but a younger penis? OK, who am I kidding. Maybe. But I'm not so sure that would make my husband happy.


("Mine's younger than yours," he just told me when I mentioned that line. Apparently, although he is just a smidgen younger than me, his mind and ability to discern the difference between us is slipping fast)(or I am, in fact, slowly morphing into a man)

The few times I've floated around the Internet this month, I noticed people offering advice to the 16-year-old version of themselves. I've been giving some thought this week to what I'd tell the younger version of me, especially since every time I get on Facebook now, many of the girls I graduated high school with are announcing the arrival of a new grandchild, which makes them GRANDMOTHERS!!! When did I get old enough to possibly be someone's grandmother?! It's my belief that if a photo of one of these new grandbabies causes
my ovaries to seize and release a million viable eggs in my desperate, soul crushing desire for another child, then I shouldn't be old enough to be in such a category.

What else would I tell 16 year old me? A few things. For starters, that boy you loved,
the one who took you to prom and was the stuff of teenage romance novels? One day, he's not going to remember your name (true, recent story), so when he asks if you want to have sex with him, remember how proud I still am of you for not caving. Also, you're not going to believe this, teenage me, but Madonna? Yeah. She's still around. I know that's not so much advice as it's really just a statement, but seriously, can you believe it? You know what else you're not going to believe 16 year old me? At 43, you're STILL going to break out with zits, and yes, it's still just as annoying and inconvenient now as it was then. Thankfully, your Dad won't want to try and pop them every night after dinner, though, so yeah for being a grownup!

Finally, young me, you have pretty awesome taste in music. One day, you're going to turn the radio on and you're going to hear some guy growling over the roar of guitars. That's Chad Kroeger and his band, Nickelback. You're not going to like them. Especially that annoying
Photograph song. But when it's his birthday, you're going to give him his due.

Happy birthday, Chad mutha-flippin' Kroeger. You, too,
Aleksander Kwasniewsk!

And, yeah, OK. Me, too.

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23 Comments:

Blogger Possum said...

Excellent...a birthday to celebrate!
I have a pantry cupboard that I keep taking out and then putting back the ingredients for a decadently indulgent cake ...no more!! Today's the day for baking!!

Happy, Happy Birthday to you
...and to Chad (who's music I'm afraid I have a slight weakness for)

Monday, November 15, 2010 1:44:00 AM  
Blogger Pigeon said...

Happy Birthday! I turned 36 this year, and I was feeling sort of gloomy that I was closer to 40 than 30, but a friend informed me I was closer to 50 than 20...so yeah. Party on.

Monday, November 15, 2010 7:12:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

I thought Ringo Starr did the 'Photograph' song. . .

And listen, when I was your age, I still had progeny not-as-of-yet-begotten. Just, you know, in terms of youthful penises, and all that. . . ;)

And, in terms of your husband's. . . if you read the fine print, it turns out that his penis IS your penis. . . ;)

But Happy Birthday! As we like to say around our house, I'm glad you were born. . . ;)

(Is that above the legal limit for winky-grin emoticons in one comment?)

Monday, November 15, 2010 7:15:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy Biiiiirthday, dear FADKOG,
Happy Birthday to yoooooouuuuu!

Celebrate in style, girlie, with some Sixteen Candles and a bag of cookies!

Monday, November 15, 2010 7:21:00 AM  
Blogger Cocotte said...

Happy, Happy Birthday! I will freely admit to singing along to that 'I wanna be a rock star' song by Nickelback. But 'Photograph' is still a def leppard song to me.

Hope your day is filled with Mountain Dew and Reese's Cups!

Monday, November 15, 2010 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Happy birthday to ya! Happy birthday to ya! How many times can I say that? One more...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA!

Yay you! You get to share your bday with some pretty amazing folks. And yes, 16 year old you was awesome for not putting out to the guy who will forget your name. And you do have good taste in music. Nickelback makes my ears hurt. Also, thanks for the ear worm...now I'm giong to be humming Photograph all day. Sigh.

Monday, November 15, 2010 9:22:00 AM  
OpenID bikinfool said...

Well Happy Birthday FADKOG, fakkog's mom, Chad, Ed Asner & Anni-Frid Lyngstad!

But mostly, Happy Birthday FADKOG. You don't look a day over 29. Really.

I thought Def Leppard did "Photograph"? Are we running out of words to describe song titles so they have to be re-used?

Monday, November 15, 2010 9:40:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Happy Birthday, you nut! I have to admit, I was wondering where this post was going to, but then you tied it all up!

Monday, November 15, 2010 9:46:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

I'm so happy that you have something lovely to celebrate today. Tell your mom that Elena says THANK YOU for bringing thou, O Faddest of Kogs, into the world...twenty nine wonderful years ago...hehehe!

my word verification is dentmas...perhaps that is computer for birthday???

Monday, November 15, 2010 2:08:00 PM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Happy Birthday Beautiful! I gotta tell ya, I had no idea where this post was heading, but I like it!

I have more zits now than I ever did at 16. Sucks the big one!

Monday, November 15, 2010 5:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

I will dye my hair red, wear pink, and pluck chin hairs in your honor. Happy Birthday!

Monday, November 15, 2010 6:17:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Well, Happy Birthday to YOU, and despite the annoying photograph song, I still wish you a great year to come- and a younger penis, cuz if the internet thinks you need one, obviously it must be true, right? After all, I read it online, right in your very own post!

(oh, and is it totally, completely wrong to have graying hair AND zits at the same dam' time???)

Monday, November 15, 2010 10:28:00 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

that Photograph song is SO annoying

Happy Birthday!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

"sluggish trouser snake" *snort*
Happy Day to ya fadkog!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 3:09:00 PM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

Happy Birthday! Apparently, I've had a sluggish trouser snake for years. You'd think the "girl" in our emails would tip them off, huh?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010 5:45:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

You share your birthday with my mom!

I don't know how old she is anymore because I've been adding 10-15 years to her actual age every time I make the birthday call.

I'm an annoying son. But you, you look mahvelous.

Happy Birthday FADKOG and many happy returns.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010 4:14:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Am I reading this right that you share a bday with your Mom? AND the chick from Abba? It could also be that I am bleary eyed from jet lag and waking up way too early in a different time zone. :)

Hope it was a good one, I shall sing Fernando in your honor today!

Friday, November 19, 2010 6:54:00 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

I hate being the last to show up to parties. Dammit, who was in charge of circulating the e-card this year? I'll bet it was HM. Bastid.

I hope it was a good one, dear FADKOG. I'm so glad you were born.

Friday, November 19, 2010 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Happy Belated birthday! This never would have happened if we were friends on FB!!

I think all I've got is Katherine Heigl on my bday, and I've never even seen Grey's Anatomy.

Luckily, the radio station I listen to doesn't PLAY Nickelback. They also don't play Lady Gagme, and that, my friend, is why I listen to them and no one else. ;)

Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:37:00 AM  
Blogger Annie said...

Huh... I get Neil Sedaka and Ron Howard. Some of us get ripped off on the celebrity birthday thing. I'll take the Nickelback guy!

Saturday, November 20, 2010 1:22:00 PM  
Blogger DC Urban Dad said...

How the hell did I miss your birthday. I hope you downed some Polish vodka.

Monday, November 22, 2010 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger April said...

Happy Birthday. Belated, but whatever. And just to make you feel better, I pulled a black hair OUT OF MY NECK today. It was at least an inch long. MY NECK FADKOG!! What the flippity flip??? Now if you need me I will be weeping in a pitcher of margaritas. Peace out.

Monday, November 22, 2010 5:27:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Forgive my delays, friends, but THANK YOU FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES!! Aleksander, Chad, and I very much appreciate them. You're all awesome! I'd offer you some of my birthday cake, but by now, it's all in my belly. Believe me when I tell you it was delicious!

Monday, November 22, 2010 6:00:00 PM  

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