...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

i said to the man 'are you trying to tempt me?'

In an attempt to keep the pilot light of our passion blazing while he's traveling, I've been trying to teach my Tool Man the fine, fine art of dirty talk.

Because I have an associates degree in the carnally-infused chit chat, and there's nothing sexier than using it in the sterile world of instant messaging.


My husband, bless his delightfully innocent soul, is one of those students who sits in the back of the room and hopes to blend in with the walls so as not to be called upon, so our lessons have been nothing short of challenging.

After a few interesting attempts and a random suggestion that I pretend to be his dominating tutor, I thought we made a breakthrough a couple weeks ago when, after getting settled into his room, my husband called and told me to open up my email because he had sent me a photo. There was glee in his voice when he told me how much I would love it.

"Six inches, honey! I sent you six inches," he exclaimed, waiting for me to fire up my laptop and open my email, which, I'll admit, was difficult because my fingers were literally shaking with glee that the Tool Man had finally jumped on board my lesson plans.

Just as I was beginning to show off my post-graduate dirty talk skills, telling my husband how he was so going to get it good when he got home, up on my email popped a photo of snow.

Six inches of snow.

That was my husband's way of tempering my heat. I gave him a C for effort, and suggested, through his uproarious laughter, that we try again the next evening. Twenty four hours later, a chat window pops up and Tool Man is all big talk with his "You want nasty, baby? Are you alone? Let's get nasty. Now!"

Well, let me just get settled here on the couch and pause this episode of Dirty Jobs I'm watching, baby!

I gave him a little verbal foreplay (Mike Rowe, how you thrill me...), then encouraged him to show me what he'd learned. Up on the screen popped photos of people with facial tumors. Lots and lots of facial tumors.

"Nasty, isn't it, baby?" Tool Man typed between photos. "I know how this kind of Discovery Channel porn gets you hot."

And while I can't deny that fact one little bit, my mad desire for my husband was being tempered with every clip he sent me and I had to finally tell him it was time for us to say goodnight.

"Tomorrow night, honey, be ready for penetration," he said.

"Promise?" I responded.

"It's gonna be hardcore," he taunted.

And it was. The following night he filled my inbox with photos of people who have been impaled by all forms of things OTHER than what I wanted him to be chatting with me about in the dirty talk.

Sexy. Super sexy.

Clearly, I'm looking into some remedial lessons for the man.



Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Heh-heh-heh. You're incorrigible, DKG.

But, I dunno, it seems to me like the Tool Man is playing along quite capably. . . just yankin' yer chain a bit (well, um. . . you know)

My dear wife, passionate as she may be, is very modest, and the 'dirty talk' doesn't appeal to her so much. So, imagine my surprise, a few weeks ago, when she called me at work and proceeded to tell me how 'empty' she was feeling, and looking forward to my arrival that evening. The, uh, pump-handle was suitably primed, you can be sure. . .

And I used to think that she was blissfully unaware of any nasty puns when she gave me a T-shirt with a 50s-vintage station-wagon on it, under the title, 'Woody'. But now I'm not so sure. . .

(word verification - 'grrry')

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 10:47:00 AM  
Blogger Bee (the one who muses) said...

I hate to say it but that would be me taunting my husband!

I've been known to go to far on the dirty nasty to the point where his point becomes a comma! Ha!

Please Twitter!
You crack me up and your words would make ME giggle while dealing with the nimrods I work with!

word verification hidstf...????

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

holy crap, that was hillarious!

Your Hubs sounds like the twin of mine.

His idea of dirty talk is

"Hey baby, wanna touch me where I pee?"

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

Hmm. I must take notes here. My wife might actually be really into the Discovery Channel porn of which he speaks.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

THis is the funniest thing I have read all week! I bow to your greatness!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 1:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, if I didn't know better, I'd swear we were married to the same man. My husband's idea of "penetration" was a good offensive football play sent to me in the form of a youtube clip. God help 'em.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 3:02:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

My husband wouldnt know how to talk dirty - not even if handed a script. Although he does know how to pass on offensive emails - not because they would turn me on, but because he thinks it shows he isnt a prude.

Who'd'a thunk a nymph would marry a prude? hehehehe.

And on that time machine, can you get it workin like yesterday? I am afraid I am going to lose him forever if I dont stop it soon! Can you believe "uvula" came out of a 5 year olds mouth out of the blue??

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 8:01:00 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

I could only do dirty talk if I used computer terms... "Oh yeah baby, show me your source code... yeah baby, do that recursive loop, you know how I like that... here comes my algorithm, I'm gonna parse your string..."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger Franny said...

Ha ha this post is Hi-fucking-larious! Your hubby sounds exactly like mine. Brilliant! I just adore your Blog!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 10:03:00 PM  
Blogger Franny said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 10:04:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

FACIAL TUMORS???? yeccch. that's...nasty all right.
Kind of a visual chastity belt, even.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Funny, but he really doesn't know what he's missing. Think of what one can do, if one sails-

Honey, want to pull my sheet? I have a tall mast..
you get the idea ;)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 11:23:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Pink Frosting! Yeah, that's right. Pink frosting and foot massages. Shoulder rubs.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 4:33:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Maybe he is into that type of thing and is just trying to figure out the safest way to tell you?

Thursday, April 24, 2008 9:51:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

This could so have been happening in our house.... ;-)

Thursday, April 24, 2008 3:32:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i felt dirty reading this.
like i was peeking into your bedroom. that is if your bedroom was in your livingroom.

Thursday, April 24, 2008 4:38:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Des - The Tool Man totally has me figured out. He knows that tumors and weird surgeries get me worked up. To reward him, I should really hunt down one of those suggestive shirts!

Bee - Once I read "...his point becomes a comma," a couple of times, I laughed and laughed. Then through the day I chuckled and thought, "I should twitter!" but they won't let me near a computer at the bookstore! The nerve!

Choppzs - I'm stunned, really, that my husband hasn't used that line. I'm gonna keep it between you, me, and your husband so he doesn't chase me around with that one!

FTN - If you'd like, I'll talk up how scintillating a really good facial tumor can be when I chat with Autumn on the phone about all things Sex. Seriously, I get a little weak in the knees during Siamese twin separation shows.

Melody - I don't know about greatness, but thank you!

Taja - It's a wonder they get any sex, I say!

justlori2day - I didn't even touch on how the man sends me little audibles in my IMs that are supposed to serve as a turn on. It's been a long, rough lesson!

Michael - All I'd be able to inject there is "hard drive" and "blue screen of death." I'm not sure how sexy that is!

Frances - Aww! Thank you! I appreciate you coming by and leaving a comment. I'm coming to think that every husband is alike. I wonder if we're all the same as wives!?

1blueshi1 - Ha! A visual chastity belt. I'd not thought of it as such, but you'd certainly think so. Alas, sometimes I'm too easily swayed. Don't discount the power of a good facial tumor!

Sailor - He's definitely used what he knows on me before. Every tool reference has charmed me into some rather compromising situations!

Savage - That's some damn fine dirty talking right there, mister!

Bogart - If such be the case, I hope we get a show on the Discovery Channel out of it!

Laura - This means we're either easily swayed as women, or we need to teach these guys of ours something new!

kimmy - Um, sometimes it's been my living room (cue the porn music!)...

Thursday, April 24, 2008 11:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It took me a minute to puzzle it out, but I just realized that the song you were quoting in your title is "Down Under."

Very appropriate.

Friday, April 25, 2008 8:45:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

twobusy - It's truly appropriate when you consider that, in my house, the women DO glow and the men plunder!

Friday, April 25, 2008 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

At least he's good for some educational materials, ha! Did you catch that nail bed pus on Deadliest Catch...ewww. Tool man could have used that line to talk about ejaculations, ugh. Slap me now, ha!

Thursday, May 01, 2008 2:08:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Nan - Oh! He missed that! But he probably saw it and then thought better of using it because he knows how I get around me some Mike Rowe, baby! Big messes!!

Thursday, May 01, 2008 9:16:00 AM  

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