...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, April 28, 2008

when you call my name, it's like a little prayer

I spent part of my weekend at an overnight retreat hosted by my church's women's ministry. Twenty-one hours filled with nothing but good times.

Or maybe I should call them God times.

(...and rim shot...Thanks, folk! You're a great audience! I love you! Have you heard the one about...)

Anyway, here's a little breakdown of how my weekend went off, in the event you're interested and willing to say, "There, there, honey. We know you've got nothing else on your plate worth writing about today..." :
  • Miles by which both Google Earth and Yahoo Maps was off between my house and the destination I was to be at Friday night - 11
  • Miles that actually broke down to be by the time I realized I wasn't where I was supposed to be, turned around, retraced my route, had to turn around again, yada, yada, yada - 25
  • Telephone calls I made trying to get correct directions - 3
  • Minutes spent on the telephone with my husband, expecting him to solve my directions problem while approximately 42 miles from where I was at - 23
  • Times I said "Screw it! I'm turning around (again) and just coming home!" - 6
  • Times that "Screw it" was actually said as "F*@& it!," then was all, "Gah! I'm going to a church event!" - 12
  • Times I may have cried a bit when I was forced to look at a map - 2
  • Level of humility I felt when I realized the corner I needed to turn at was 1 mile up the road from where I'd pulled over - 10 (sorry, Tool Man...)
  • Number of minutes late I was arriving at my destination - 45
  • Number of women I barely know who I was assigned to room with - 3
  • Size of room we were assigned to stay in - 8' x 8'
  • Minutes spent finagling my way into a room with my best friend, who I was supposed to have roomed with in the first place - 20
  • Times we all prayed together- 12
  • Women in attendance I swear I'd never seen before, yet discovered when I went to church Sunday that we've been attending the same church for months - 3
  • Number of times I marveled at the very thin ability some of the speakers had to tie the theme of of the event into their presentations - 4
  • S'mores eaten - 1 (one of my prayers was for restraint)
  • Number of times I had to speak about my passions - 9
  • Times I spoke of my raging adoration for my sons and husband - 14
  • Level of enthusiasm said sons and husband displayed upon my return home were it measured on a Richter scale - 0
  • Number of women who asked me "Wanna see my underwear?" - 1
  • Games of Catchphrase I dominated - 2
  • Number of times I thought "Wow, we're not lame at all..." - 3
  • Number of women who ambushed me in the bathroom to inform me I couldn't go to bed - 6
  • Times I said "I'm in here! I'm IN HERE!" while in the bathroom in hopes of thwarting said 6 women from coming in - 2
  • Spiders I captured on my bed before hoping to go to sleep - 2 (plus 1 ladybug)
  • Times talk seemed to turn toward the topic of sex, yet came to an uneasy halt when I said "It's because I'm easy!" - 1
  • Time my bunk mates and I finally went to bed - 2 a.m.
  • Hours of sleep achieved - 4
  • Minutes late the Saturday session ran - 45 (full circle for me, ladies and gentlemen)
  • Times we sang the same song over the course of the weekend - 12
  • Times I glanced at my watch when I realized we were running late and the women leading worship kicked into the third of what would be a six song set - 2
  • Number of panties I couldn't find upon my return home - 1
  • Age I feel when I use the word "panties" - 6
  • Months I have to decide if I'll be attending next year's women's retreat - 13

Yep. God, God times, people. God times.

Even better if I knew where my panties disappeared to.



Blogger Bijoux said...

Wow - I haven't been to a church retreat since I was in high school. Good memories....my thoughts at the time centered around how I could get the one cute guy to notice me. And trying to find a place to plug in my curling iron. Yup, God times!

Monday, April 28, 2008 6:11:00 AM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

as usual, I'll focus on only one thing you said:


Once in awhile I'll bust out catchphrase and make my team play. The winning team gets to leave early on Friday. Inevitably it causes a fight, much like 5 year old kids.
"you cheated!"
"no I didn't!"

God times.

Monday, April 28, 2008 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

I went on a men's retreat at my church a while back, and this sounds reasonably familiar (accounting for the 'gender' differences).

And this is where I just keep my pie-hole shut about, uh, the 'directional' thing. . .

What I really wanna know is - is there some kind of 'lame religious song' company that has some kind of sweetheart deal with the 'retreat people', to the effect that, 'you can use our really, really lame songs for free, but only if you pick the lamest one, and sing it everywhere you go, all weekend'?

Monday, April 28, 2008 9:17:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Next year, I'm coming along.

I'll be the guest speaker.

And we'll stay up all night talking about boys.

Monday, April 28, 2008 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

If you had a daughter, trust me, it wouldnt have left your vocabulary for long! So is it possible the panty sharer stole them??? hehehehehehe Maybe your refusal to share turned her into a panty heister!

And whats with the bathroom raid? I am thinking you were wearing some sort of something good smelling - you attracted them like wild animals! Of course you are a heavenly creature, maybe they thought you were almost god-essly!

Sounds like you made fun out of what you could! (or made fun OF what you could! ;) )

Monday, April 28, 2008 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I believe I saluted your panties this morning on the flag pole.

Monday, April 28, 2008 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Well, your heart was in the right place or something!

Monday, April 28, 2008 11:26:00 AM  
Blogger Laura B. said...

Ha! You were the victim of a panty bandit!! At a women's retreat, no less! That's positively awesome. ;-)

Me and my anti-social self was having loads of fun with a paint can and a paint brush. :-)

Monday, April 28, 2008 11:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

... "Returning home to the Tool Man - priceless"

Monday, April 28, 2008 12:23:00 PM  
Blogger Recovering Soul said...

does anyone else get nervous that FTN is always wanting to talk about boys?

Monday, April 28, 2008 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

A million years ago, I used to go on teen retreats. They were allot of fun and we slept in sleeping bags and sang God songs. I can’t picture myself doing that now.
Hope you found peace! :o)

Monday, April 28, 2008 4:01:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

FTR, I'm ok with FTN talking about "boys." I'd be more concerned if he was talking about "the boys" which would seem highly inappropriate at a church retreat.....

Monday, April 28, 2008 4:21:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

you told 'em you were easy?
yeah, come wed nite service? you'll be at the top of the prayer chain.

Monday, April 28, 2008 5:38:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I can feel an angel sliding up to me....

Yeah... I lust you doubly now...

Monday, April 28, 2008 6:29:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

only YOU could lose your panties at an all female church event.
hope youngest boy child feels better soon and refrains from splattering additional infernal, I mean, internal organs upon the walls of your domicile.

Monday, April 28, 2008 8:53:00 PM  
Blogger FTN said...

When we use the phrase "the boys," are we referring to my balls?

Just checking. Cuz if that's the case, we can talk about those, as well.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 10:13:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE your list!! You rock my bloggy friend!!

Hallie ;)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 1:21:00 PM  
Blogger you da mom! said...

i totally thought this was going to end with..."blah blah blah...priceless."

god times. i'm stealing it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 3:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hallelujah, girl! gosh, you make me laugh out loud every time i read this blog. This post was a friggin' trip. I have the hardest time saying, "panties"! i don't know why but i have never been able to say it without feeling silly.

anyways, God times indeed! :)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 4:09:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

Praise God :D If you were to write something about drinking in there, I might just consider joining you next year!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 8:00:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

cocotte - Had boys been involved in this weekend experience (either "boys" or "the boys") I'm sure it would have made things go by with a lot more excitement!

RS - If I worked for you, I would be going home earlier every Friday this game was played. People would be like, "Hell yeah! We're bustin' outta here, yo, 'cause Smarty McSmartypants is on our team!" Then they would carry me out to my car on a gold encrusted platform. While fanning me and perhaps serving me a refreshing beverage.

Des - The company is called "Lames Songs 'R' Us," and to get an extra special discount, you have to promise to have the women who attended the retreat all stand at the close of services on Sunday and perform the lame song for the rest of the church (especially the women who didn't shell out the coin to attend the retreat - in your face, ladies!).

FTN - Can we ride together? We'll flip a coin and decide who drives, but one of us is going to have to look at a map. So maybe I should plan to drive and you can just tell me where to turn. Do not say "east" or "west." I only respond to "left" or "right." I'll buy road food, and you can put together a mix CD for the trip. You already know I'm going to giggle, so it really doesn't matter if we're talking about "boys" or "the boys." I'll be tee-heeing.

justlori2day - I must exude the musky scent of hotness to have a girl gang tear me away from the bathroom. If I knew I was just that popular, I'd totally have a giant head!

Mike - If they were purple, then there's a pretty good chance you did.

Bogart - My heart finally came around about midnight Saturday.

laura - I spent about a week going round and round about even attending this thing, mostly because of my anti-social behavior! I don't know if it was worth losing a pair of panties, though!

XI - at least fifty percent off.

RS - It always comes back to the boys...

Bee - If by peace you mean a bunch of cackling women acting like they were in high school, pulling pranks and pants, then I definitely found peace. And I was happy to find my way home easier than I found my way there!

cocotte - I, for one, would be kind of disappointed if Numby didn't find a way to inject "the boys" into a conversation. Or BOOBS! Mostly he's really good about tossing in a few BOOBS!

kimmy - Ha! They're probably gossiping around the donut table about my ease. Yep. I need a hedge of protection surrounding me, for sure...

Savage - And I you for getting a One Night in Bangkok reference in!

1blueshi1 - I have some problems wiht my panties, really. They have a mind of their own sometime.

FTN - It's about time that we give your balls some equal time around here. The BOOBS!, as happy (some would say "perky") as they are to usually be the center of attention, wouldn't mind conceding some time to ball banter.

WWW - Awww! Thank you!

you da mom! - I should pitch that as a line of tshirts for the church, really. I wonder if they'd get it.

katie - It's probably wrong to combine God talk with the random panties mention, but that's just the kind of girl I am!

wethyb - I'd be down with some drinking at next year's retreat, really. The way I see it, God brought the wine. It seems OK, really!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 10:17:00 PM  
Blogger Edtime Stories said...

I can imagine you with one of those counters like an umpire keeping track of it all.
Damn she said it again, click.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 6:29:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Ed - It may have been something like that!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

LOL that sounded just like 4th grade camp, minus the prayers...

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 5:30:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Snort! You lost your panties! Maybe some of the ladies that were trying to bust in on you in the can (yep, the can, I'm classy) grabbed them while you weren't looking and made some cash showing them off.

Thursday, May 01, 2008 2:01:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Stacie - My parents kept me sheltered, so I never attended camp as a kid. Based on these experiences, I'm probably glad!

Nan - You so classy! The only thing that would have been more traumatizing is if they busted in, talking about taking dumps. Classee laydeezz. I bet they would take pictures of panties and bust all over the internets with them.

Thursday, May 01, 2008 9:14:00 AM  

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