...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, December 29, 2008

so much for that whole god rest ye merry gentlemen business

So when last we met, Christmas was on the horizon. I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families. Ours was as lovely as five hours of solid sleep (seriously, my kids were up and chatting excitedly outside our bedroom door at 4 a.m.!!!) and family dysfunction allows, and gave me time to learn a lot of things about myself and my loved ones (and some I don't love nearly as much as others) that I'm now going to share with you. Consider this my 'really crappy, purchased at the last minute, sorry, but I didn't get a receipt so you can't return this' gift to you!
  • Christmas is the only time I believe I can sing, and, sadly, I rock the carols like I'm Celine Dion.
  • As a result, I owe apologies to my church family, who, in the spirit of the season, didn't shoot glaring eyes at me while I musically caressed O Holy Night during Christmas Eve services.
  • I should also apologize for the way I laughed during O Come All Ye Faithful. I swear I was laughing at my youngest son, who was totally Pavarottiing the moment, and not because I have a filthy mind.
  • Nearly seven years in, none of my inlaws know how to spell my youngest son's very uncomplicated name. Three sets of aunts and uncles + six gifts = six different spellings. Every year.
  • This shouldn't surprise me considering I've been saying "That's not my name" to one of my brother-in-laws, who has called me everything but my very uncomplicated given name for the past 15 years.
  • Ham retains it's top seat as my least favorite pork product.
  • Based on the tasteless excuse for deviled eggs my sister-in-law brought to Christmas dinner, my Mom's deviled eggs are, truly, the tits.
  • It's possible to be in a 7x7 room with 30 adults and 5 kids and not cry and/or kill anyone. But, oh, how you'll want to.
  • An empty 24 oz diet Pepsi bottle is not an effective seat saving device when 30 adults and 5 kids are fighting for the ample space 1 loveseat and 1 sofa provides.
  • When you're asked to bring a potato creation to Christmas dinner, never assume, despite repeated assurances, that your starchy side dish will be the only potato option available.
  • When you walk into your inlaw's house bearing two giant pans of homemade au gratin potatoes and find yourself in the midst of a gravy crisis going on over a massive pot of mashed potatoes AND spy a huge bowl of marshmallow-topped sweet potatoes, be sure to wish everyone a merry Christmas BEFORE muttering "What the hell?! I thought I was the only one bringing potatoes to this nightmare!!"
  • I wish there was a way to get my kids to act like Dickens orphans all year and not just last week, which was filled with lots of "Might we have some lunch now, Mum?" and "Would you mind terribly if I borrowed your red marker, sir?"
  • A fake Wii appeases the kids much more cheaply than a real one. Also, fake Wii boxing wears me the hell out, and I need to lay off the deviled eggs, be they shitty or titty.
  • When your father-in-law passes out in the kitchen (while en route to getting more of your au gratins, thank you very much) apparently it's no big thing, so enjoy that ham, yo.
  • Being an adult at Christmas time and not getting any gifts kind of sucks.
  • Unless you get a tube of strawberry lip gloss. Then it truly sucks.
  • The impact of the recession was fully evident in that single tube of lip gloss, too. Last year, I got two tubes.
  • I never thought it would happen, but I actually missed not having my mother-in-law's traditional birthday cake for Jesus - which looks exactly like the birthday cakes she makes for all family birthdays, except minus the magazine cutouts of Spiderman or Batman she puts on them for the boys (but OMG, that would be awesome!).
  • When you or someone in your family greets you with "Merry fucking Christmas," it's pretty much time to put a cap on the festivities.
  • That sentiment explains why we spent only 1 hour at my Mom's house.
  • Norad's official Santa tracker on Google Earth was a spectacular tool to help me keep my kids in line Christmas Eve. I wish they'd keep Santa on screen all year, tucked at the North Pole, and every once in awhile, he'd point to the satellite and shake his finger so I could convince my boys he is, indeed, watching all year long.
  • The blatant lack of fudge this year was a huge disappointment.
  • It's awesome when five-year-old's get guitars for Christmas presents, she said sarcastically.
  • The annual debate over who gets to open their gifts first - oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest - never gets old.
  • My teeth hurt from gritting them as that debate raged on. However, I have soft, shiny lips!
  • My Mom doesn't trust the disordered eating she helped create in me so much that she's willing to bake 24 dozen chocolate chip cookies - 3 at a time - in a toaster oven rather than bring all the dough to my house so I could bake them for her after her own oven broke.
  • Give a kid one Lego and you end up stepping on it and bitching. Give a kid 2,300 Legos and assume you'll have a couple days of peace. Two hours later and two huge Lego projects later, realize you have a kid who is apparently a Lego savant.
  • It really is time my Mom got rid of the three holiday sweatshirts she's worn each Christmas season for the past 20 years.
  • Bono, my beloved pretend husband, has indeed become my crush with eyeliner, and I await the time we can share a Wet & Wild eye pencil.

Oh, how I love the holidays! Next up is the big non-event that is New Year's Eve. I've not yet made any concrete resolutions yet, but I'm tossing a couple around in my head (many of them involve monkeys, zombies, and zombie monkeys). If we happen to bump into each other between now and December 31st, I promise not to greet you with an expletive like my Mom would!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fact that I was able to hold back from actually saying "Merry fucking Christmas" to any of the slew of relatives and in-laws I spent the holidays with was, easily, my greatest accomplishment of 2008.

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger CT Mom said...

I almost said "merry fucking Christmas" to my step dad when I overheard him crown me the Queen of Returns. First, wrong. Second, if they didn't give such crap, we wouldn't have to deal with it to begin with.

Kudos to my youngest sister for going with my mom to do this year's shopping - much better quality gifts for the kids this year. Gotta love Old Navy.

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

At least you'll use that lip gloss!

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You got lip gloss?


Monday, December 29, 2008 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Hey, one of my husband's cousins ALWAYS spells my oldest daughter's name wrong too. She's 6 1/2. Fun times.

It's sad how the recession impacted your Christmas. In my family, if you were a man, you'd get a can of nuts.

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:20:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

I swear to God we have to be related. My husband's step mom continues, after 6 years, to call me Shawna, not ShonDA. Not big whoop. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law refuse to let me cook anything, even though I'm clearly the best in house chef available.
I would trade your lip gloss for the Santa cookie jar I got. ON CHRISTMAS. What the fuck.

The cherry on the shit sundae is, as always, my sister-in-law disciplining my kids for no fucking reason, just for touching a toy or breathing oxygen into their lungs.

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:24:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

That is a superb post, FAGKOG!

Let's just say that Christmas rocks tits but! you do have to have the right ingredients. They include a small amount of very select company, an inexhaustible supply of alcohol and a joint the size of a rolling pin.

Oh yeah.

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Um, so what's left to add? I hope your New Year's celebrations are better! (Or you at least get your own bottle of bubbly to ease the pain.)

Monday, December 29, 2008 11:46:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

My FIL still adds an extra, non-existent syllable to my 19 yr. old's name. He never really understood what her name was. She has finally given up correcting him.

And yeah....Larry the drummer is looking better everyday, isn't he? That dude just hasn't aged. Bono in the bowler hat just doesn't do much for me.

Monday, December 29, 2008 1:06:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I hope New Years is better; maybe, if you're lucky, some of that lip gloss will get kissed off ;)

Monday, December 29, 2008 1:08:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

It sounds like it could have been worse - at least you didn't run out of potato...

I hope you have slightly more space to celebrate New Year in.

Monday, December 29, 2008 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

thanks for the great laugh you always bring to me-I need it right about now as I have three relatives on their second week of "staying" with us, through the greatness that is the holidays- oh is it after 12 already? sorry I must be off now to open my afternoon bottle of wine (not to be confused with my evening bottle).....it really helps chip away at the time ;)

Monday, December 29, 2008 2:07:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Merry flippin' Christmas, Fadkog!

Last year was a marathon with a million things to do and tons of family events, but we managed to keep it lower key this year.

Sorry about the lip gloss.

Monday, December 29, 2008 2:37:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

I finally had the nerve to tell my mom that to dress up for a holiday she didn't actually have to have a sign of the holiday emblazoned on her chest...appropriate colors will work

Monday, December 29, 2008 3:00:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I said Merry Ficking Christmas to my husband at some point on the Eve, I dont remember why, but he must have been on Santa's naughty list.

I wish you would have numbered your bullets - I am too tired and missing my daily doses of wine and oh so much sugar to recap all of the things I could have written like: kids name spelled wrong; GFIL calling me Lisa for 9 years (and he see's me weekly); Ham sucks!; 7x7x30=HELL (thats why we avoid it now); Pass the augratins; wish I knew about fake Wii... CRAP!; cousin passed out in church; no lip gloss, no nothing!; grandma's christmas sweaters all bear the fruits, and sauces, and Lord knows what other stains and need to go away; TOTALLY think NORAD needs to create Santa is watching you website. Maybe we could do it and rake in the dough.

Oh, and the only major gripe of my holiday season (other than an empty wine glass...) NUTS IN EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF FUDGE there was! Um people, I AM ALLERGIC!!!! I realize you are trying to help by making sugar cookies and caramels, but please, do not put them on the tray with the other stuff, because not only will I piss, but I will also moan! (and apparently when passing the carrot cake with the Walnut tree - swell up in the lip and tongue areas).

Monday, December 29, 2008 3:24:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

Fucking not ficking...

Monday, December 29, 2008 3:25:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Brenda said...

I hear you on the crazy family stuff. Hubs and I are on our way back out to Iowa right now because my parents all of a sudden have New Years plans so the whole "enjoy your week, can the kids stay here for a while?" was nothing more than a tease. 39 hours later we are making the trip back to get them. At least your lips are strawberry soft! ;-)

Monday, December 29, 2008 3:52:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

that's a lot of bitchin' for one lousy day - try doing it for 8 flippin' nights.

Monday, December 29, 2008 4:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The two things that seem to be happening at our family holiday dinners with more and more regularity are 1) the term "heathen" is always batted around cheerfully, and 2) matter-of-fact discussions of new drugs seem to pop up. This year under discussion was how great this narcolepsy medicine was for keeping one awake without any edginess. Bringing home once again that my family is a bunch of freaking addicts.

And no one offered up any of said narcolepsy meds either. Happy holidays!

Monday, December 29, 2008 5:02:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

OMG, I love this post. I'm feeling a little bitter because I can't write about my dorkwad cousins or seeing my pervy bachelor uncle for the first time in 10 years because my mom reads my blog.

Also? I imagine your singing voice to be like your writing voice and sounding like the angels on high, sweet girl. One of these days, I'm dragging my karaoke machine to a motel in Kentucky (I think that's halfway) where we'll spend a weekend belting out some Prince and giggling hysterically.

Monday, December 29, 2008 6:13:00 PM  
Blogger kaila said...

OMG the Norad Santa tracker saved me too. That thing was awesome.

I am jealous you got lip gloss. I got an ugly brown (but soft) blanket.

Monday, December 29, 2008 6:15:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

You are pure sex... I lust you.

Monday, December 29, 2008 8:50:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I agree. Ham sucks. Bacon & pork = good. Ham = evil.

And we were foolish enough to get our daughter drums for Christmas. VERY LOUD DRUMS.

Monday, December 29, 2008 9:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You continue to be the writer who consistently makes me snort beverage through the nose more than any other. Thank you for making absolutely awesome lemonade out of the bushel o' lemons you got at this lovely, special, radiant, loving time of year.

Thank you to your readers too--the comments just add to the deliciousness of this piece. I just recommended this via Twitter & hope you get a bunch more readers.

Fortunately my family lives far enough away and we got a horrendous amount of snow so no one expected travel; my siblings are old enough & dispersed enough that we all have our own separate family dealies; and my husband & his two siblings aren't close, so even though they & his parents all live within a half-hour of our house, we don't get together for the holidays (the parents don't force the issue & don't choose one kid over the others, thank heavens for that). Here's to family distance to maintain the peace.

And I would have totally eaten the potatos au gratin.


Monday, December 29, 2008 10:14:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

It seems like you had a very nice time. I hope your new Year is full booze and happy tides of more booze. Ah yes, the booze is good.

Monday, December 29, 2008 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

A 7x7 room? That's a Christmas miracle there. There should have been a corpse...

That lip gloss sounds awesome. You and Bono can share it.

Monday, December 29, 2008 10:45:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

I'm also enjoying the image of 30 adults and 5 kids in a 7x7 room. Sounds very Monty Python-ish.
Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 12:30:00 AM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

A lego Savant. I like that.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 7:14:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

So much to say I'm short circuiting...

1. Norad rocks! I, too want Santa to sit at the North Pole all year pointing and shaking his finger.

2. After 14.5 years of marriage, my FIL still calls me "what's her name." My husband insists he's joking- which leads me to believe that must be the one joke on the face of the earth that NEVER GETS OLD. Second only to pull my finger.

3. My mom has been known, in her time, to wear all 3 sweatshirts at once. And a vest. And a santa hat. Here's to hoping your mom at least rotates.

4. I hope you have a wonderful New Year. And that it's Wet & Wild.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 7:15:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

send over the extra au gratin potatoes! yum.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Happy Fucking New Year and all that good stuff. :)

Great post, I think you need to film both sides of your family next year for some type of Hallmark film. I'd say we could send mine over but we banned them from any and all holiday festivities two years ago for inappropriate holiday behavior!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 9:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've often found if I ply my brother's with booze, and lots of it, our Christmas brunch is always a success. This year we had bloody Mary's and mimosas. I love alcohol!

Sounds like quite a season for you. Enjoy your non-plans tomorrow!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

You can make chocolate chip cookies in a toaster oven?

And I don't suppose your fake Wii can hook up with a fake wifi connection so we can play together? Yeah, probably not.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I had so many comments I can't remember them. Personally though, I think mashed potatoes, au gratin potatoes, and sweet potatoes are 3 different dishes, and I would have sampled them all. I'm a glutton like that.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I, for one, thank GOD your family is like they are, because they make for the best posts ever!

Thanks for being you - this post made me laugh. For a while. Which is not easy to do right now.

Happy F-ing New Year to you!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 1:43:00 PM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

Holy Shit, I got like 3 Merry F'n Christmases this year! lol I didn't stop any festivities though, it just usually means I am surrounded by Hub's Marine friends or we just all have really bad potty mouths! lol

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 1:48:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Honestly, 'O Cum All Ye Faithful' never even occurred to me until you hooked your fingers into my nostrils and dragged me up to it. . . So, uh, thanks for that. . . ;)

And hey, are you gonna take credit for coining the new verb, 'to pavarotti'? And the double-i in 'pavarotiing' - pure genius, that. . .

And wait a minute. . . Your mom's eggs are the tits? I'm so confused. . .

And jeez, I thought 'Merry Fucking Christmas' was reserved for the year-end layoffs that happen when the boss and the accountants get together for coffee on the 23rd. . .

My WordVer is 'loomoo'. . . you got a cow in your toilet?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 2:05:00 PM  
Blogger Phyllis Renée said...

I can only laugh because I completely understand! Except my Mom would've said something like, "Well, isn't this a 'Merry Christmas?'" Drove me. Up. The. Wall!

And remember, it's not written anywhere that you *have* to go.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 2:15:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

See? Now I like that ham, actually.

Although I am right there with you on the Lego thing.

You're Christmas list is awesome in all it's Fucking Christmas glory! Hope you have a Happy F'ing New Year as well! :)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 5:24:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

i would have totally eaten all that cookie dough. i love cookie dough. but yeah, 24 doz is a lot of cookie dough.

and who the hell got you strawberry lip gloss again? wait! is it the kind you roll on or the kind you put on with a wand? cause that roll on kind is the shit. cept when your hair sticks to your lips...then not so much.

and for the record, i totally would have eaten your potatoes over those ooey gooey probably most yummy sweet potatoes. yep. no lie.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 5:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We had 17 people in a 10 x 10 room and I'm pretty sure I told a few of them off.

I feel your pain..but now that we've bottmed out...it can only get better..at last that's what I try to convince myself of.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 9:24:00 PM  
Blogger María said...

I did say Merry fucking Christmas. To the eldery couple behind me in line at target. Is that bad?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 9:37:00 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Oh dear.

Fa la la la la, la la la la?

Tuesday, December 30, 2008 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart said...

I think I was at that party last year...

and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 8:33:00 AM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

I've been a real comment slacker lately, and read this but didn't respond the other day. I'm making up for it today, and I'm a commenting fool! (or just a foiol)

Monkey's name is frequently misspelled, but he's quick to point it out to people, so no biggie. ;)

I love Norad more than anything. I was still checking it LONG after the kids were asleep. "Crappe!! He's in Georgia - I need to hurry this up!!" Like somehow, we couldn't have Christmas if I didn't finish before Norad said Santa had arrived. I'm a freak.

I suffered a little from post holiday let-down this year. It manifested when I realized that my stocking was empty, while I had done a kick@ss job of making sure everyone elses was full. At some point after that, the words "Merry FUCKING Christmas" were uttered.

I love the "That's not my name" song. It's oddly reminisent of "OH Mickey", and it makes me want to dance. (around the house in a cheerleader costume)

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 10:38:00 AM  
Blogger Eternal Sunshine said...

Oh - and I would have gone Au Gratin - I only eat Mashed Potatoes when there are no other options available.

AND... At least your Mom's tits aren't the eggs... (Sorry, it totally made sense in my head)

Wednesday, December 31, 2008 10:46:00 AM  

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