...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

sledge, sledge, sledgehammer. wait! why do you have a sledgehammer out?!

As you might imagine, being married to a man who works for a Major Tool Company brings with it a tremendous number of perks. First, in the event I'm ever in the middle of a task that requires the use of a tool, all I need to do is journey out to my garage, and I have a home improvement store at my fingertips! Here, let me show you:

Of course, when I say "at my fingertips," I actually mean I must forage through the sea of boxes that show up at your house daily, push aside the various other garbage that, huh, I thought I'd thrown away already so isn't it interesting that it's here again, and then call my Tool Man and ask him where the desired tool actually is.

p.s. - This is half of our two-vehicle garage. Specifically, this is the half where the sensible Hyundai I've been driving since last spring to save on gas money should be parked. A few months ago, Tool Man cleaned this part of the garage out and I'm not kidding you, watching him do that was, for me, like watching porn. I am not kidding! I am way anal about cleanliness and organization (not so much with my porn viewing, though, if you get what I'm saying, and if you do, then ha ha ha ha, yeah, that was hilarious...but I'm sorry I went there, too), so trust me when I tell you THIS IS KILLING ME RIGHT NOW. Also, don't even get me started on what he has all over a huge chunk of our kitchen counters. The part that daily makes me threaten divorce, and Tool Man to roll his eyes and be all, "Well...put up or shut up," but because he also gets a company truck that I view as another perk to our marriage aside from the aforementioned gas money saving techniques, I stay with him. And also because he has a goatee, which I realize are like a dime a dozen these days, but it makes me smile how his goatee is sort of reddish but he has black hair and it looks like it's on fire when he's telling me to put up.

OK. Anyway...back up to that 'desired tool' part up there (and I had to scroll back up to that and seeing the garage again made me gag). A second perk of being married to a Major Tool Company representative is the sexy, sexy way we incorporate his work life into our sex life. Seriously, if you ask me to hammer you, I will totally drill you. The dude may belong to the wacker club, but every once in awhile, it takes two people to get the job done and I'm willing to earn my raise at performance review time.

However, seriously, when Tool Man poked his head inside the house Saturday and yelled something at me about running to town to get some rope caulk, I'll admit that I heard him wrong and, fearing his return, I called him and was all, "Um, listen. I love you and there's a lot of things I've done for you, but I'm not really comfortable with whatever it is you're planning, and I wish you would have talked to me about this before you just assumed this would be OK. Besides, we don't have anyone to watch the kids..."

"Caulk, honey. I'm going to buy caulk." he interrupted with a laugh (and perhaps a bit dejectedly).

Those are some pretty good perks, huh? But, to quote The Facts Of Life theme song, you take the good, you take the bad, and the bad part of things is this: Tool Man is cluelessly horrific when it comes to home repair matters. Ironic, isn't it?!

Here's how I imagine his job interview for his present (and, fingers crossed, long-term) position went:

Major Tool Company Hotshot - "Do you know anything about tools?"
Pre-Tool Man Tool Man - "Yes, sir, I do know things about tools."
MTCH - "Are you able to demonstrate the uses of our company's tools to consumers?"
PTMTM - "Yes, sir. Having worked a great deal with tools (We all lie in job interviews. You know it. I know it.), I'm positive that I am able to demonstrate the uses of your company's tools to consumers, thus helping to raise the company's bottom line margin and contributing to market growth."
MTCH - "You're hired!"
PTMTM - "Thank you, sir. I look forward to this challenging opportunity!"
Wife of New Hired Tool Man - "Hooray!" (which was said before I knew our garage and, subsequently, our shed would look like a big-box home improvement store. After a hurricane and a tornado)

That rope caulk he went the store to buy last weekend? It was to prevent air flow from pouring in through our upstairs windows on these freezing days. Another reason I shuddered when he used the word caulk with me is because I have nightmares (while laying awake at night in our now semi-less freezing bedroom) about the mangled caulk job he has done in our two upstairs bathrooms. Honestly, and yes, I'm ashamed to admit this, sometimes when I'm using my bathroom, I zone in on the bottom of the wall near my shower at the twisted, fingerprint-embedded slash of dried, dirty caulk running along the floorboard and I freak out (see garage issues). Doing so takes my mind off of the drip I hear coming from the boys' bathroom on the other side of the wall. The drip, drip, annoying drip from the toilet he attempted to fix. And the oddly textured chunk of wall up there where he previously attempted to fill in a crack. Also, does that towel rod look like it's hung crooked to you?

That madness drives me downstairs to my laundry room in which last weekend, Tool Man re-installed a set of cabinets that had been badly bowing by bolting a huge, poorly stained ledge of wood to the wall to serve as a shelf for the cabinets. A huge, poorly stained ledge of wood he believes no one can see under the cabinets but trust me, it can be seen. Oh, it can be seen, and, funny story, you'd think it would distract me from the big hole he gauged in the wall while positioning the cabinet, a hole I dread him repairing and painting over, but no, it does not. In fact, all I can see is HUGE, POORLY STAINED LEDGE OF WOOD!! and BIG HOLE!!

(btw, yes, I thanked him for reinstalling the cabinet, but sigh...)

Tool Man's long range plans for this year include tearing up the floor covering in our kitchen and installing new. The thought makes me weep, for as much as I want hard wood (let me say this before any of you get the chance - "That's what she said!"), I can't allow him to desecrate our home further. Because I think there's caulk involved in that kind of project, too, right? Seriously, all the caulk talk that's been going on in my house of late is scaring me (and sort of frustrating my Tool Man). The moral of this story is just because you can sell a hammer, it doesn't mean you should swing it.



Blogger Heather said...

My husband would be very, very jealous of all those tools.

We have a similar problem with the caulk around our bathtub. Thanks for bringing it up. Now it's going to bug me all day.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God my husband knows how to play with his tools.

Because of that, I never fear the caulk talk. I may even encourage it.


Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger kaila said...

At least he makes an effort to do the work. My kitchen is still unfinished after being destroyed in Hurricane Charley - 4 1/2 years ago.

Also, your garage? yeah, you can shut the garage door - we have a carport and it looks like that - Sandford and Son anyone???

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:25:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Funny. I have a lot of tools, but know how to use 'em all; but our garage (half of it) *still* manages to look like that. Not with the tools, though, nope. With the excess toys, boxes, storage bins, etc, from all the kid's toys, and the things my wife brings home "Because it was a good deal and we might need it..."

Sigh. Hang in there, perhaps the caulking will get better with practice.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:40:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Ditto if your hubby is a big wig at HD!


Wednesday, January 07, 2009 11:46:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

My sister and her husband did a major construction job on their house and they were constantly off to Home Depot to buy caulk - which my sister and I found hilarious. Every.Single.Time.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 12:25:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

My hubby is ethnically challenged in the whole home repair department. He's got all the 'stuff' but just doesn't know how exactly to use it.

Oh sure, he's tried to do many things ... but somehow we always wind up paying more for the actual repair . The cost of fixing the problem plus the cost of fixing the problem that the fixer made.


Wednesday, January 07, 2009 12:26:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I would have a fit if I had to park outside in winter weather.
Your garage looks like my husband's 'workshop' and I'm using that term in the loosest manner possible.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 12:28:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Yeah, I gotcher hard wood right here. . .


Yeah, I gotcher 'desired tool' right here. . .

your choice. . .

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 12:44:00 PM  
Blogger Bunny said...

I do the caulking, plaster/drywall filling, and painting in my marriage, just to avoid these sort of problems. Anything else used to involve calling my dad, but his help is harder to come by 1200 miles away.

My husband has a master's degree in computers, but I fear any major projects he wants to do on my computer. They always end in those horrible words: "operating system reinstallation." No one else I know reinstalls the operating system as often as he does.

Then again, I'm a lawyer without an updated will reflecting the birth of my children (ages 8 and 4). Not really one to talk.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Maybe I should never get married. You're scaring me!

Although J installs floors for a living so at least if he does a home improvement project I know that'll be ok. My towel rods may be crooked, though.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

Well, he sounds better at DIY than me. Or perhaps just more optimistic ;-)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:33:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

the word 'caulk' is just so unfair. i LAUGH like a loon every time i hear it. or write it. or read it. just saying.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:37:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I saw "HUGE, POORLY STAINED LEDGE OF WOOD" and something in my horrible mind went into overdrive.


Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

BTW when I saw the title of this post, I thought you meant that old cop show with David Rasche.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And, I dunno, as I re-read your post, is it wicked that the juxtaposition of HUGE. . .WOOD and BIG HOLE makes me smile?

But hey, I gotcher rope caulk right here. . .

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:42:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

It looks more like a home improvement store threw up in your garage. Get the man some shelves and a tool chest.

You heard me, baby. Tool. Chest. Rrrrrrowl.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 1:45:00 PM  
Blogger Chibi said...

It's amazing the things that drive us crazy that men are absolutely blind to!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 2:06:00 PM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

RS has dark hair on his head, but red hair on his face too.

But I won't make you green with envy over the fact that last weekend, he took our basement (which looked eerily like your garage) and made it all clean and organized. No, I won't do that. Cuz that would just be mean.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

We have a very small hole in our dining room wall right now that to repair is going to cause a very large hole. I am weeping at the thought.

Also, my husband would like to know if your husband would like to have a play date. They can mangle our houses together. Yes?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 2:35:00 PM  
Blogger Moi said...

Ok, I almost half laughing and half crying right now. How come all men who think they own tools can do the job?

I do have a caulking hint for you (insert giggle here)... go to a plumbing supply store and ask for the caulking smoothing spray. It is an aerosol can of spray that you put down on the caulking that makes it smooth down all nice and neat. May not help with the mess in your bathroom, but for future projects.

Home reno tip for you... just do it yourself. I know it seems like more work but the results will be so much better!!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Every time my husband pulls out a tool I want to tackle him and wrestle it away. He once put a ceiling fan in our upstairs bedroom,and I was so scared of him getting zapped I had 911 pushed and my finger poised over the green send button.

Nothing good comes from my man and his tools. Well, except for one of them, that is. :)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 3:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! You said mangled caulk job! I hate it when that happens.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 4:23:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

My hubby knows he's bad with tools and just stays right away from them. I don't know if I should be upset or thankful.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 5:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mark has blonde hair and his goatee is reddish and patchy. I made him shave it off just because it was so sad to look at it.
Mark put up a chair rail in our first house- there was an inch gap in every corner. It never would have happened had I not left with Gage for the day so that we wouldn't be in his way and it too far gone by the time I got home. He told me to "put a some chairs and a plant in front of it". We almost divorced over that.;)
I feel your pain.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 5:29:00 PM  
Blogger Divine Chaos said...

I never have that problem ..I got rid of my husband years ago ..He was pretty worthless anyway :)

I fix stuff myself. I have a toolbox overflowing with tools and a roll of duct tape, what else could I possibly need? :p

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 6:11:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

My Mr. Sweetypants reads and loves your blog. Therefore, I cannot gleefully commiserate.

Brilliant. Also? I'm glad you can't see my house.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 6:38:00 PM  
Blogger xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

I'll post an intelligent comment when I can stop laughing...

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 6:43:00 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

I'm not even going to try to pretend. I giggled all the way through this post.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 6:50:00 PM  
Blogger MsPicketToYou said...

true dat sister. just as just because you can write about a lightbulb doesn't mean you are capable of wiring a pendant lamp. i speak from experience.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

My husband only gets his tools out about once a year, so when he does, it's really hot.

P.S. My garage looks much the same.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 7:34:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

As you can imagine, married to an economics teacher I don't have these problems. But let's face it. Not much of a turn on when I see him reading his scholarly journals.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 7:45:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I am not married to a Tool Man, or a home improvement expert either, yet somehow my husband has ascertained that 2x4's and 2x6's are the answer to everything. That and the room he "built" in the garage, the one that is supposed to be closed in and become my new mud room? Well the studs went up two years ago. The sheet rock on the outside went up this fall, and somewhere in the middle my cousin came over and put in some electrical outlets. And that is the condition for which it still sits. In another 4-5 years I expect the project will be complete. Because he is anal about getting both my Jeep and his F250 Super Crew Cab V10 shiny red truck (I remember your lusting after it last year), behind the doors every night, I never have to worry about a messy garage. But I do have to worry about which one of my boxes will be tossed or moved into the family room for my perusing if he puts onemorething in his precious garage.

I think that is why his new Laser Compound Miter Saw is still sitting in the middle of my familyroom. That or he doesnt want his precious new toy to get dirty or cold.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 8:12:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

We have a garage like that. Except it's covered in shingle samples. Not too many sexy jokes about shingles I don't think. Shingle sex? Sounds lonely. Lay me like a roof? Falls flat, or even maybe takes a bad angle. Can I ride your ridge vent? Just a lot of hot air there, too. Nope. I got nothing.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 8:42:00 PM  
Blogger Em said...

Garage crammed full of stuff. Caulk that needs replacing. Dripping in the kids' bathroom. I thought that was only our house! So happy to know we are not alone.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 8:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am man enough to hire someone to come do the dirty work so I can clean the house with my Dyson then have a few beers while watching college basketball.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 9:02:00 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

I love me some tools. Power tools. drills, saws, brad nailers...uh..what was I saying. Oh right, I want the stuff in your garage.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 10:23:00 PM  
Blogger Seriously Brenda said...

My husband is actually pretty handy when it comes down to a home improvement project but we have a slight problem with the completion of said projects. This is our 4th home/4th total remodel and I have never had a house that isn't under some sort of construction. They get finished the day we put the house up for sale and never before. Our main bathroom has a beautiful garden tub sitting in plywood with a hose hagning from the ceiling as our shower. Hang in there, we feel your pain.

And my CAPTCHA word tonight - rejec. How funny is that? ;-)

Wednesday, January 07, 2009 10:54:00 PM  
Blogger Creative-Type Dad said...

You should be writing Tool porn or something.

I have a bunch of tools in my garage (although not nearly the amount you have) just because I like the "idea" of building my own stuff like cabinets, a car, boat, rocket ship, with them one of these days.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 1:45:00 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I saw this cute little caulk cleaning and smoothing little tool that gets into the edges and removes the excess and makes the line straight the last time I was at one of those big box home improvement stores. Maybe you should hint at him that he needs one.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 3:18:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I work at a tool company myself. I deal mainly in the returns of said tools (note: I did not mention that it is a major tool company) I id notice a Ridgid bag amongst the pile O' stuff. That would be the orange bag that does or did contain a power tool of some sort.... Just thought I'd share.
At any rate, I can lay a pretty good caulk line. I don't need sissy rope caulk to do so....
The cabinets, however, are out of my line. Not so much with the carpentry here....

I still lust you so very, very much.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 5:26:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Geez, you're picky, Fadkog. I don't see YOU out getting wood or tearing up carpet.

Although I think a few people might pay to watch you do so... Wait, what were we talking about again?

Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:24:00 AM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

Hey! Your husband likes to rig things, too! It's lovely, isn't it? They're so creative, our men. Have you gotten to the point yet where you stomp your foot and and yell "No no no! Do it like a normal person!!!"

And now I'm giving The Savage the wonk eye because he seems to be unaware of the fact that I have firsties on you.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

send some tools this way, we have a ton of home improvement things going on and we are very tool poor.

I am glad we are not the only ones who use the word "caulk' liberally.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger Bee (the one who muses) said...

My hubs is an electrician, now renting him for parties, and I can’t begin to tell you the home improvement projects he has outlined for himself.
One of the ones he did get to one year, was a nice big outside outlet so we could plug in our Christmas lights. This involved cutting through our drywall, inside of our home, by a nice double window.
He did his job, patched up the hole but…. there is currently a huge patched up hole that has not been sanded, primed or repainted. His solution? Move the loveseat so it covers it up. Every time I sweep and mop and move the loveseat, I see that horrible scar on my beautiful wall and wonder why I needed that outlet since we only put up the Christmas lights that one year.

Also? Have I mentioned the lighting in our home sucks because he has these big plans to install high tech lighting that cost more than our home?

Thursday, January 08, 2009 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger Shonda Little said...

I fear no caulk talk! And I know you are really fearless, too.

Thursday, January 08, 2009 12:05:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

um, should I mention the drippy faucet and the running toilet that has hiked up the water bills for like, months with no end in sight?
I don't think computer geeks and handymen fit in the same sentence...

Thursday, January 08, 2009 2:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious! I suspect my husband might have gone on a similar rant when I worked in sales and had toys and books everywhere (car, garage, basement).

My hubbie would also love to have all those tools so he could start jobs he never quite completes. He is very handy and good at these jobs - but ALWAYS there is some piece not quite finished (drywall missing, frame not up, door off, curtain half up - are just a few of the current misdemeanors)

Thursday, January 08, 2009 8:58:00 PM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

Heh - you said caulk (snicker).

Friday, January 09, 2009 11:43:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Heather - I will gladly ship some of these tools your way to get them out of my house!

Redneck Mommy - You lucky, lucky woman! Do not make me jealous of the caulk talk!

Kaila - More than four years?! Um, yeah, I'd be crazy!

Sailor - All the toys and storage containers are in the basement. The half basement. Yeah. It's crowded around here...

WWoW - We are big, big fans of HD!

DCD - Sometimes I think Tool Man just likes to talk caulk so I'll laugh! Every. Single. Time. :)

Swirl Girl - What you've described is also the reason my clothes dryer still squeeks.

Cocotte - Now he brushes the snow off the mini when he goes and leaves for work. He calls it romantic. I call it not cleaning out the garage!

Des - I figured you'd come through for me in one of those remarks! :)

Bunny - I should probably think about taking over the home improvement, but I'm so particular about these things, the jobs probably still wouldn't get done!

Meg - Would J be willing to come fix all the weird settling cracks in my walls?!

Brian - Sometimes optimism can be crippling!

Ali - Confession: It was tough to write this post!

Chris - My mind kind of ended up in the same place yours overdrove.

Chris - and I thought the same thing, too!

Des - Not at all. In fact, I'd be disappointed if the mind didn't go there!

Always - Sweetie, someone would have to put those damn shelves up if I bought them. Who's going to do that?! Are you going to do that?! :)

Chibi - I'll confess that I sometimes remind him more than I should!

Therese - Too late. I'm jealous! Can RS come over for the weekend? I'll make up my 'to do' list!

Stiletto Mom - We may have to check into some swanky hotel if we let those two men have a playdate! I'd be afraid of what we'd come home to!

Moi - I'm going to look for that miracle item next time I'm in town. Seriously, the bathroom caulking job makes me weep!

Chas - When Tool Man says he's going up on the roof, I stand in alert, waiting for any scary sounding thuds so I, too, can call 911!

TattooedMiivanMom - Those mangled caulk jobs are the worst (sometimes funniest) ones!

Mandy - Be thankful. Be very, very thankful. And I'll be jealous!

Sammanthia - Gah! Lord, I've had papers drawn up and waved them around until the rail came down if Tool Man did that! :)

Sunday, January 11, 2009 4:21:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Divine Chaos - I'm not sure I could find the proper tools out in that mess. Duct tape I could do, though!

That girl - We could ditch the boys and run away together! Just please forgive me if I sometimes stop and straighten up. :)

iMommy - :)

Mary Ellen - Thanks for that!

Ms. Picket - I can write about balanced budgets, but I can't balance my own. Same boat, sista!

Heather - When Tool Man cleans the garage, THAT'S the hot part for me!

Prefers - Cripes, just reading the words 'scholarly journals' and 'economics' makes me a little shuddery!

Lori - You, dear lady, are a far, far stronger woman than I. No way I could go on like that! :)

Merecat - I can't be certain, but I may have dated a guy in college briefly who gave me that ridge vent line... :)

Em - Apparently, welcome to our collective chaos!

DCUrban Dad - Dude! Who's the dream husband?! YOU ARE!!

Michele - I'll leave the door open tomorrow when we're all gone and you can have at it. I'll not even look at you strangely if I find you in there foraging when I come home!

Seriously Mama - BUT YOU HAVE A GHOST IN YOUR HOUSE NOW!! Can he do something about that?! :)

Creative-type Dad - If you need any special tools to launch that rocket ship, please, let me know!

Kat - I'll be asking for that device at every gift-giving opportunity from now until I die.

Savage - He assures me the rope caulk for the windows is for the ease of removal of said caulk come spring. He better damn well be as right as you were about what is in the orange bag(s)!

ftn - Spoken like someone who is a true master of his tool....

Biscuit - Ha! I've now gotten to the point where I just leave the house. It allows him to get done with whatever damage he's doing sooner, and yet I can still gripe about it for just as long when I return! :)

Tuesday Girl - I'll start telling UPS they're at the wrong house when they make their daily deliveries!

Bee - What do you say? We drown our pain and frustration about these men of ours over drinks?


Christina - As one married to a man who is also semi-adept with computers, I can assure you computer geek and handyman do not mix!

Michelle - Oh...um, maybe Tool Man doesn't like all the books I bring home from work all over the house! I should probably interrupt whatever project he's in the middle of to ask! :)

motherbumper - I gots your caulk right here, baby!

Sunday, January 11, 2009 4:40:00 PM  

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