...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

i remember when you couldn't wait to love me, used to hate to leave me

A typical night at a typical bookstore:

She - "You know, I've been going to a lot of movies lately and when I've been to them, I've been seeing a lot of previews for movies that are going to be coming out soon, and I figure I'd like to read the books first, so, tell me, where would I find those books?"

Me - "..........." (I believe I actually look just like that when I'm waiting for a customer to fill in big, obvious blocks of missing information. My eyes morph into feathery quotation marks and my mouth is a series of dots)

She - blink, blink.

Me - "Well, since we broke up last month, you've not been calling me to go to movies with you. Because you didn't want to go out with me anymore, I don't know what you've been seeing. I thought when we ended things, we'd at least try to still be friends. Maybe still get together for a movie. Maybe split a dessert somewhere afterward."

She - "Um..."

Me - (pointing to the good natured man with her) "I suppose you've been going to movies with this guy, haven't you?"

She - blink, blink.

Me - "I miss you."

I swear I have the customer service skills of an angel (though the lady searching for MC. Hammer's greatest hits CD last year may recall it differently)(though I was being fantastically nice and cute during that encounter)(you know what? just go read that post because it is MUCH better than this one is turning out to be), and in the end, I sold her copies of The Time Traveler's Wife (have had this book forever, but never read it), Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously (read this and very much enjoyed it), and I Love You Beth Cooper (love this book, but fear the mess the movie could be). This, friends, is what's called up selling. I like to call it selling the hell out of my night. My managers probably like to call it earning my place on the schedule.

She - "Thanks for all your help!"

Me - "No problem at all! Hope you enjoy them! Oh, and, um, you know...call me."


Can I just put this out there? If you're out shopping somewhere and realize suddenly that you have a pressing need to pass gas, and it's so urgent you just have to drop it right then and there, STAY IN THE AISLE AND OWN IT! The last two nights I have been leading customers to different areas of the store and found myself both times struck down by a smooth criminal. Other times I've fallen into the post mortem, had customers wander that way and then pause, thinking the offense had been committed by my hands, which leaves me aghast and wanting to clear my name through the unclear air. Stay in the aisle and own it, dammit it, or I will totally call you on it as I see you slinking around on the other side of the book shelves (I'm talking to you, Guy I Saw Peering Over The Top Of Reference Books Yet Who Refused To Make Eye Contact With Me While I Declared 'Jeeeeesus' At The Ass Of Your Undoing).

So should I go see Rick Springfield when he's here in town tonight? "Haven't you seen him enough already?" you ask. Well, sort of. I mean, sure, if you consider two times enough. But the thing is, the Jonas Brothers were less than two hours away from me Tuesday night and I'm convinced my Tool Man kept the boys away from home an additional night this week so they wouldn't be here to see me all twitchy and bitchy because he didn't get tickets for me, which would have been ideal gifts for the birthday and/or Mother's Day he completely blew off (not that I'm bitter)(I TOTALLY AM, btw). Rick Springfield is my original Joe Jonas (and at 59, he's entirely age appropriate), so I'm tempted to bite the bullet. I need a human touch because I think I'm this close to giving Tool Man a human punch (Sally had a hard time holding back). Actually, I just wanted a reason to link that video again.


I should have just shut up after the first portion of this post. You know what? Honestly, just go read the previous posts I linked to in here. They're much better. OK, maybe 'much' is a bit much. I think I really need to go see a movie.



Blogger Trueself said...

I think you should go see Rick Springfield. You can never see him too much. Never. Go for it!

Thursday, July 09, 2009 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

Go see him, and then just think of all the bloggy fodder you'll have!

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:18:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

My years of library employment taught me that customers pretty much always assumed that we had full categorized displays of things that they wanted.

"I need some books written in the 1920s about guys named Frank. Preferably ones with a blue cover. Where do you keep those? Are they over here?"

"Where ya'all keep yer Steven See-gal movies?"

"Where are your collections of books about killing animals? Are those all together?"

Killing animals. Seriously.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:37:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

What? You mean you don't have a special section in your store just for books whose movie-adaptations happen to be in theaters right now?

Missed marketing opportunity, there. . .


And I find it totally hilarious (in a 'people are strange' kind of way) that a guy would release his cloud and hang close by to watch your reaction to it. . .

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

Go see him, buy some souvenirs and give the bill to the Tool Man. See if he blows off another gift giving opportunity.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:44:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

I had to stop reading this post because I was laughing so hard at the "smooth criminal" reference. Genius.

Thanks for the book rec's, by the way; I'm adding that "Julia & Julia" one to my (hopefully fart-free) reading list.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

hahahaha- you would be a fun co-worker. I have not read the three books you mentioned-but, what about Hunger Games and Look me in the eye-just happen to be at my house right now...

Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:42:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I love the image of eyes as quotation marks and mouth as elipses.

I LOVED the Time Traveler's Wife and I'm dying to see the movie. It looks like it will be different (something that usually enrages me) but maybe different enough to be okay. If that makes any sense...

Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:43:00 PM  
Blogger That girl from Shallotte said...

I cannot believe you're even questioning whether or not to go see Rick Springfield. Hello? Dr. Noah Drake fan fiction!

Thursday, July 09, 2009 12:57:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

You'd have thought that scientists could come up with a dietary supplement that would make... er, gas, smell nicer. Unfortunately most scientists have never worked in a shop, so they don't see the need for this.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 1:25:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I've been on the waiting list for Beth Cooper for over a month and then last night, I saw a TV ad for the movie! GAH!

I read Time Traveler's Wife a few years ago and you are not missing much. The Outlander series is much, much better.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 2:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Cat said...


That was awesome. I miss those amazing conversations that you can only have in bookstores. Thank you for sharing that.

Once, I had some lady come in to the store while I was working and say "About 15 years ago or so, I read this book, and it had a guy named Paul in it. Can you help me find it?" To which I replied "Well, 15 years ago I was EIGHT and likely never saw the book because I was in the kid's section. Do you remember anything else about it?" She "Well, it might have been blue and about this *holds fingers apart* thick or so. But the character's name was Paul."

I am not making this up. Seriously, you just can't make up this stuff.

Needed to share that, sorry. ;)

Thursday, July 09, 2009 2:40:00 PM  
Blogger Lawyer Mom said...

After this, I'm dying to work in a book store. What fun people watching . . . but the smelling, not so much.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 2:43:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Book store antics are very funny. You need to see the Boss and a movie with what you've been through.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 2:54:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

didn't you used to be Jesse's girl?? cuz if you were and were caught cheating on him with Dr. Noah Drake...then Joe Jonas would be all kinds of p.o'd at you and come to the store and fart in in aisle 4.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 3:04:00 PM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Oofta. I was willing to put money on your co-worker being the smooth criminal right up until you caught some dude staring at you from the next aisle.

And I completely agree with you on Beth Cooper. I'm half tempted to just skip the movie- I fear the genius was in the writing and the movie couldn't even begin to do it justice.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 4:28:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

"smooth criminal". I fucking love you.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 5:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Maureen at IslandRoar said...

If you really said that to her then I want to come to your store. That would totally crack me up. We can all use a little humor in our sales people.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 7:10:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm not as afraid of I Love You, Beth Cooper as I once was once I learned Larry Doyle was the screenwriter.

And I think if you've seen Rick Springfield once, you've seen him way too many times.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 9:05:00 PM  
Blogger Carolyn...Online said...

So when do you think they're going to teach Joe how to play an instrument? He's starting to look like the Linda McCartney of the Jonas Brothers.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 9:12:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Ignore my previous comment. I didn't realize it was rated PG-13.

It's gonna suck!

Thursday, July 09, 2009 9:15:00 PM  
Blogger Bex said...

if i had a salesperson like you i would totally laugh my arse off and buy everything - even crap i know i won't read.

and i totally toot and dash. i learned it as a "ladylike trick" from my mom who goes to the bookstore on dates with my dad.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 10:24:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I think of you every time I go to Bookstore and I shush kids and give moms evil eyes in your name.

And there is nothing worse than walking into a cloud of fluff.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 10:35:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

nobody works pop culture references into posts better than you... nobody.

Thursday, July 09, 2009 11:00:00 PM  
Blogger bernthis said...

I always walk into to those clouds of smell and no one is ever around. It's so awful.

Rick Springfield? Oh, I'm tempted but I think I'm going pass, I'm holding for the bee gees reunion

Friday, July 10, 2009 2:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoever smelt it, dealt it...just sayin

Friday, July 10, 2009 3:15:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

i need a job. i love books. you would be a scream to work with.

Friday, July 10, 2009 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger TwoBusy said...

Next time, just direct her to the aisle with the swirling cloud of gas. "I think they're low on the shelves, so you'll really have to bend down to see them."

Friday, July 10, 2009 8:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate stupid customers. I really do. I work in the transportation industry so I ineveitably get the question, "Oh, you need the address?" Yes, yes I do. You see, I don't know where you live, so if you could tell me, that would be great. Morons.

Sorry about the Jonas Brothers. Did you put the cd on and blast it loud enough to hurt your eardrums and dance around and pretend you were there? I would've done that. Especially it the Tool Man was home.

Friday, July 10, 2009 9:08:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

You're a tough little sister, but you'll settle for a mister tonight. And, yeah, what TwoBusy said.

Friday, July 10, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

LOL That story reminded me of this time when we were at Disney and I was waiting in line at the Tower Hotel ride with my daughter, nieces and friend's daughter, when we all smelled rank cabbage gas. The kids carried on about it for awhile because whoever was doing it KEPT doing it the whole time we were in line. Then a bit later, when we were back in the hotel, I smelled it again and realized - it had been my friend's daughter the WHOLE time.

Friday, July 10, 2009 9:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is HILARIOUS. If I lived near you I would come to your bookstore just to hear a conversation like that.

Friday, July 10, 2009 10:16:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

You should NEVER shut up. Seriously. You are often the first smile of my day. Even though you never, um, call me to go to a movie or anything.

Rick Springfield? I say go for it. I'm more of a David Cassidy girl myself.

Friday, July 10, 2009 11:04:00 AM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

You are killing me with the farting business. I was just in Target the other day and walked down a (I thought) empty aisle only to be assaulted by someone's stealth gas. Yuck.

Friday, July 10, 2009 1:23:00 PM  
Anonymous DCUrbanDad said...

The worst is the person who gets on the elevator and farts then gets off. You are still on there and another person gets on a floor up. That person looks and blames you. But you can't bring it up, cuz the one smeelt it dealt it.

Friday, July 10, 2009 3:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Sam said...

I'll just drop my kids (or Mark, for that matter) off at the book store the next time you're working. They take pride in it, and I'm sure they'd be more than willing to take the fall, just so you're not the one blamed for it. Actually, I think they'd be proud to do it.

Friday, July 10, 2009 6:56:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

I think you should really go see Neil Diamond. What's funny is I was singing "Hello" at work today. Coincidence? Or maybe you should just come visit me in RI - I'll keep all the slugs away!

I liked the Time Traveler's Wife. A bit sad though.

Friday, July 10, 2009 7:39:00 PM  
Blogger MsPicketToYou said...


You is funny.......

Saturday, July 11, 2009 12:40:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

You can never see enough Rick Springfield...EVER. I'm still recovering from how much of a fool I made of myself last time I saw him and that was at least 12 years ago!

Just got Julie and Julia, digging into it today!

Saturday, July 11, 2009 7:05:00 AM  
Anonymous A Vapid Blonde said...

"Hey you, yeah you Fartman in the Self Help Section...I see you and you stink!"

I would totaly go see Rick Springfield. Totally!

Saturday, July 11, 2009 9:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Seraphim said...

I've actually read "The Time Traveler's Wife", and I must say, its pretty good. If you're ok with books that flip back and forth between years.. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.
I swear, I must get the assholes at any store I go to. Where the hell are the good people like you!?

Saturday, July 11, 2009 10:50:00 AM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

O.K. I'm outing myself. I just spent the last 5 minutes seeing Rick Astley in my head, thinking "how is it possible he's 59?!"
Rick Springfield? Yes! Go see him again if he's still doing his thing. Rick Astley has now been removed from my mind and replaced with Jessie's girl.
Read Time Travelers Wife. It's a fun one.

Saturday, July 11, 2009 8:45:00 PM  
Anonymous zelzee said...

Hope you went and saw Rick Springfield! When I hear "Jesse's Girl" it takes me back to summers when my kids were little, radio blasting....good times!!!

Sunday, July 12, 2009 7:59:00 AM  
Blogger blissfully caffeinated said...

Read The Time Traveler's Wife. I'm serious. It is so very, very good. One of my all time faves. I think I'm just gonna go ahead and skip the movie. I'm always upset when a great book is turned into a crappy movie.

Hey, did you ever read If I Stay? Was it worth picking up?

Also, you're giving me a horrible retail flashback. I had to crawl under my desk for a minute.

Sunday, July 12, 2009 2:01:00 PM  
Blogger Maggie May said...

i love rick springfield :)

Sunday, July 12, 2009 4:36:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Control through flatulence is the way of the future. Good call!

Sunday, July 12, 2009 4:44:00 PM  
Blogger MereCat said...

That exchange was HILARIOUS! People can ask the dumbest questions. As a tourist visiting Salt Lake City (two years before I lived there,) we stopped at a gas station to ask for some directions. We asked, "Where's the lake?" and were answered with, "What lake?" YOU MEAN THERE'S NO LAKE IN SALT LAKE CITY? The one I get all the time, and I even got it today was, "Your twins. A boy and a girl? Are they identical?" WTF people?

Sunday, July 12, 2009 9:34:00 PM  

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