...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

i know what boys like. at least i thought so. maybe i actually forgot. maybe it's good i did.

Despite what my advancing years (and my very rude Wii Fit) tell me, I don't feel as old as I actually am. However, my mind is a little hazy on what I was like as a teenage girl hell bent on getting a teenage boy to notice me. I do have a few reminders here and there. Some angsty journals. A small pile of dogeared and smudged 3x5 index cards on which I outlined a complicated 'hot or not hot' scientific formula. Let's just say if you were a boy with feathered hair, wearing Levis 501s, and came whirring down my street on your sweet Honda moped, I thought you were hot. If your name ended in the letter Y and you should have stopped answering to it in second grade and/or only if referred to as such by your grandmother, you were not so hot.

You were so, so close to being on the hot list,
Danny Wilson...

Here's the thing I wasn't, though - hot. No. I was not raising any temperatures, despite cloaking myself in huge, bulky sweaters. No one with a penchant for wearing the equivalent of a large Australian sheep around their neck (sigh, cowl neck sweaters...) and letting their mother experiment on their follicles with Toni home perks that were advertised to give you big, bouncy curls (but they lied! THEY LIED!!) will extinguish the flames of one's hotness faster than a speeding bullet. Teenage boys didn't talk to me. I didn't talk to them, either (except Debbie Gibson-style: Only in my dreams), but that's beside the point. Rather than draw teenage boys in with my tractor beam of hotness, I was the portal through which hot teenage boys would travel to hook up with my friends. That's not a metaphor for sex, by the way. I was, in theory, Stargate, an interstellar teleportation device boys would talk nicely to in order to charm me (done!) into putting a good word in for them with my friends (curses!).

I simply didn't know how teenage boys operated then, and I suddenly realized yesterday afternoon that I still don't. I was finishing up some shelving in the teen section while a couple of teen boys milled around the department. Short of asking if I could help them find anything and offering my assistance if they needed it, I left them alone. Rare is the sight of teenage boys browsing in my department, so I just sort of marveled I it.

Several minutes later, I stood up, gathered up my belongings, and prepared to retrieve another load of books when I heard one of the boys say, "I'd like to flip through your pages and get into your story," and dear Lord, before I could laugh at his suaveness, he added "And I'd like to start from the back of the book."

That's when my eyes rolled and I stuck my tongue out and made the international
sound for "Blech!" All in my head, of course, which sort of drives home the point that I feel and apparently sometimes act younger than I am.

I continued to sort of laugh about the boys' bold and very smooth moves throughout the remainder of the day, but then I was hit by a thought last night while eating dinner with my two sons. Oh, my God! One day...sooner than I even WANT to imagine, THEY are going to be teenage boys!! Cripes, my oldest son is only five months away from turning 13!

despite the crushes and the questionably mature song, my boys have immersed themselves in of late, I still tend to only think of them as little boys. Hell, I make them younger than they actually are, too. In my head and in my heart, they are two tiny babies who can't read and don't make metaphors about inserting bookmarks between a girl's chapters! I quite honestly had never really, REALLY thought about what it would be like for them to become teenage boys with all the gawky, gangly goofiness that being a teenage boy entails.

Dear God, it's inevitable though, isn't it?! They are growing up, they are going to make clumsily worded advances to girls (or, sigh, women), and they may end up on some girl's weird crush list. It's enough to curl my hair.

Without the aid of a perm this time, though. Thank goodness.



Blogger Logical Libby said...

My husband works with teenage boys. He was at one point a teenage boy. He still doesn't get teenage boys.

Just don't let them bathe in AXE body spray.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 8:49:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Shut UP!!! That's really what he said--icky ick ick. I refuse to believe my son will be a teen someday :)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

EWWW - that is really disturbing and kind of scary that some teen would approach you like that in your place of employment! SHEESH!

As the mother of a 15 YO boy, I feel your pain.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's official! Teen boys are seriously much stranger than teen girls!

As the mom of a 16 year old boy - It doesn't get any better as the years pass - except at 16 they want the car.

And my husband has determined that our now nearly 13 year old daughter is never going to be allowed to date!


Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:34:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

Ummmmm. . . to whom was this erstwhile budding suaveness (suavity? suavitude?) directed? Not to you, I hope. . .

Of course, the whole 'high school hotness' thing is vastly overrated. And it cuts both ways, FWIW. I was the guy who the girls would have deep, soulful conversations with, about why their boyfriends were treating them the way they were. . .

But, you know, it worked out OK for me, in the long run. . .

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:38:00 AM  
Blogger Craig said...

And of course, dads dealing with teenaged daughters have their own WTH moments. Like when I have to get Jen to tell her that she's flashing too much cleavage. 'Cuz she really, REALLY doesn't want to hear it from me. . .

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:49:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Wow... remember when he was turning 10....
I've known you long enough to use as a reference now....

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger sue said...

I understand this post in sooo many ways...!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 10:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

Gotta love the cajones on that kid! Good luck with your boy-men and I agree, keep 'em away from AXE ~ boys have no idea when to stop spraying (my gawd you reek). Kind of a metaphor for almost everything else that teen boys do.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Oh lordy. I'm so afraid for the teenage years. Plus I have the added "fun" of dealing with both the boy and the girl. Good times.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 12:27:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

Was the teenage boy saying this come on line to you?

Did you then say he would need to make sure he wore a dust jacket? Was he a hard back or a soft cover...oh there are so many lines.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 2:53:00 PM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

Loved, loved, loved the description of your teen years. Just got one of my huge wool sweaters turned into a throw pillow. You could fit 2 people in that thing.

And the new pick up line???? Ick. Ick. Ick.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:09:00 PM  
Blogger Zip n Tizzy said...

Wow! This completely changes the definition of "bookish."

I never knew how to deal with teen boys. If I liked them, I ignored them. You can imagine how much attention that got me!

Now I try and make nice (in a strictly platonic way) with girls dads. I know it's only a matter of years before they'll be chasing my boys down the street with a shotgun.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010 9:10:00 PM  
Blogger Meg said...

I'm kind of terrified of all the girls that will be lusting after my boy. Terrified I tell ya!

Thursday, March 25, 2010 1:28:00 AM  
Blogger Jake said...

What's a 'Tractor Beam'?

Thursday, March 25, 2010 5:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now that is a line. Ah teenage boys. They ignored me, too, so I have no idea what I'm going to do if I have a teenage daughter who wants help with a teenage boy. Ugh!

Thursday, March 25, 2010 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Start from the BACK!! LMAO

Thursday, March 25, 2010 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

So long as it doesn't feather your hair. *shudders*

Thursday, March 25, 2010 3:29:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

Back in my day I don't think teen boys would have known anything about the "back of the book". (She says hopefully.)

I was one of those "one of the guys" kind of girls. Trust me, understanding them too much means you don't get many dates either.

Thursday, March 25, 2010 11:00:00 PM  
Blogger Tuesday Girl said...

So that means my boys are going to grow up and all they will think about is S E X and stuff? Lord help me..... and my daughter!

Friday, March 26, 2010 6:41:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

as one whose boy is just a couple years older than yours i can tell you it comes hurtling at you like a freight train.

as for the previous post and those related to it...i'm sorry i am getting here so late. make that doc appt hon. chances are it's nothing but it's good to know for sure. i know. i have a one inch scar near my right armpit where they took a lump out of me to confirm it was not going to be a problem. and as for the energy required to be happy. i know those days too. don't give up. there are lots of people who care both here in the etherworld and where you are in your 3D life. big hugs.

Friday, March 26, 2010 9:59:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I grew up with 3 brothers. Wait till you find nudey mags while you're cleaning. ::shiver::

Friday, March 26, 2010 10:55:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

First of all...501's? Hells Yeah. Second, no boy's ever talked to me at all. I din't even have girl friends for them to need to talk to me to get to.
And thirdly, WHERE DID THAT LITTLE BOY LEARN THAT STUFF...I still thinkg in terms of bases and I am 41!

Saturday, March 27, 2010 7:34:00 AM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

Wouldn't it be nice if at 41 I could spell?

Saturday, March 27, 2010 7:35:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

You're not telling me this is just the first official confirmation of your MILF-ness, are you?

But I give the boys credit. In my day, those would have been pretty smooooth lines.

Saturday, March 27, 2010 1:03:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

You gotta give that kid credit for having the nerve to approach you with THAT line! Too funny!

It IS hard to imagine our kids growing up. Wait till THEY become parents. It's even harder yet!

Saturday, March 27, 2010 5:10:00 PM  
Blogger Cynthia said...

I'm sorry, but I can't stop chuckling at Aunt Becky's comment. I had something sharp to say, now all I can do is giggle:)

Saturday, March 27, 2010 10:39:00 PM  
Blogger zelzee said...

The teenage years are an adventure.
You do survive, but there will be times your hair will be on end, without the help of a Toni.

Sunday, March 28, 2010 8:59:00 AM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Logical Libby - Some parents draw up 'no drinking and driving' or 'no premarital sex' contracts with their teenagers. I'm planning on drawing up a 'no Axe body spray' one for mine when the time's right.

Christina Lee - Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. To both things!

Cocotte - What's worse is when the random full grown man does, which does happen with the random stalker-type.

moredayslikethisplease - Having just survived the first round of the 'I need a cell phone of my own' battles, I'm glad I have a few years to prep for the car debate.

Craig - It was just them and me in that lonely teen reader aisle. Now, there's a chance he was addressing his buddy, to which I say "Not that there's anything wrong with that..."

Savage - Does that qualify under the heading 'Time flies when you're having fun'?

sue - I extend my fist to you for supportive bumps.

Cheryl - Ha! This is where I'll say at least I'm glad I do all the shopping around here, then. I'm the first line of defense against not bringing Axe into the house!

just making my way - The good thing is I have a five year heads start on the teenage years so by the time my youngest hits them, I'll be a season (i.e. haggard and worn down) pro!

William - I seriously want to weep at the fact that I wasn't able to quickly come up with any of those zingers you tossed my way!

Anna - My old sweaters could feed a nation of starving children. Assuming they were made of food, of course, and, well, considering my eating habits back then, some of the fibers might be enriched with leftovers.

zip n tizzy - Your plan seems like a very wise one. Based on the number of girls calling my oldest son, I need to work on my nice face!

mad woman - It's as terrifying as discovering how many girls' phone numbers that boy of yours will one day have in their cell phone. Or maybe that's just what I'm experiencing...

Jake - Something very scientific that I know little about because I tend to zone out when my husband watches too many hours of ScyFy. I think.

Meg - Ha! You have a point. It's probably good that I only have boys. A daughter would be doomed with my help!

Aunt Juicebox - It's original, huh?!

Aunt Becky - I try not to do *anything* that's going to feather my hair!

the weirdgirl - I shudder to think that they know what the 'back of the book' is now!

tuesday girl - It would seem that it is a proven scientific fact. At least until science gets off their duffs and invents a time freezing machine!

lime - It did open my eyes, that's for sure. You'd have thought the fact that my oldest nearly towers me would have clued me in! And for your other thoughts - thank you, thank you, thank you...

Bee - Now you made me want to burn my eyes out of my head... ;)

a vapid blonde - Ha! At 42 I STILL think in terms of bases, and half the time, I end up running the wrong way around them. Wait a minute...that's not what I meant... ;)

Always Home and Uncool - Unless there's a club with members who have a secret handshake and such in regard to my MILFness...but wait a minute...I'm not sure I'd want to know what that secret handshake is...

Pat - Gah! I hadn't even thought of my kids having kids yet! TIME!! (shaking fist toward the heavens)

Nap Warden - She's a zinger, that Aunt Becky!

zelzee - Based on how bad I used to look with those perms, it's to everyone's advantage any future hair matters don't involve them!

Sunday, March 28, 2010 4:49:00 PM  
Anonymous veryanniemary said...

Eeww! I hope no one wants to start at the back of my daughter's book. At least not in my husband's earshot....they might lose their place.

Monday, March 29, 2010 7:26:00 AM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

"Let's pretend you're a book. The kind with lots of sex in it."

Wow. Apparently I'm a natural at this stuff.

Monday, March 29, 2010 7:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my I might use that on the wife. And yea he told won the bet.

Monday, March 29, 2010 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

veryanniemary - I've told my boys they can't be reading those particular books until they're much older!

TwoBusy - "I'd like to delve a whole lot deeper into your story."

Yeah. I'm totally that smooth.

DC Urban Dad - It may get you a happy ending. Wait! What?! Did I just say that?!

Monday, March 29, 2010 10:30:00 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

You know the saying though...if you have boys you only have to worry about one. If you have girls you have to worry about all the boys.

Anyway. I'm screwed completely.

Monday, March 29, 2010 10:47:00 PM  

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