...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Friday, April 02, 2010

here comes peter cottontail, hoppin' down the bunny trail of broken dreams

So the other night, the boys and I were gathered around the dinner table to partake in whatever luscious concoction I'd whipped up for dinner that night when my oldest son piped up and announced with great fanfare "I know what the Easter bunny better have in my basket this year!"

Lest your first thought be, "Wow. Isn't that kid closing in on the dark side of 13? He still believes in the Easter bunny? Isn't that weird?" the answer is he doesn't firmly believe any longer, but he likes the idea that something resembling an oversized and adorable rat bounces through the house in the wee hours of the morn to leave delicious treats and treasures (and even if he still believed, so what, because deep down inside me, I keep waiting for Santa Claus and his elves to stop me each December in the parking lot of Target to say, "Don't worry, little lady. We got this.").

Now onto your second thought, which, if it was like mine, was to ask, "What do you think the Easter bunny better have in your basket this year?"

(I had to ask because if you're a regular reader around these parts - thank you - you might recall that last Easter, I stuffed the boys' baskets with solid chocolate rabbits, and sweet resurrected Jesus, my youngest son STILL HAS NOT EATEN HIS, so apparently, I might not be the best man for this job)

"A freakin' ipod!" the kid exclaimed, actually jumping up from his seat, sending portions of whatever luscious concoction I'd whipped up for dinner that night to go tumbling down the rabbit hole that may or may not be my kitchen floor. God knows there's enough Cheerios and Rice Krispie pieces down there to confuse visitors to our home into thinking I operate a toddler factory.

Needless to say, his announcement caused me to choke a bit on said luscious concoction, as well as channel the geriatric version of me who sits on a front porch somewhere sipping Country Time lemonade to chuckle softly in the way wise old people chuckle, crook my finger to wave the boy closer to me, and announce that "Back in my day, son, we didn't get no fancy la dee da presents in our Easter baskets. No sir. In my day, we didn't even have baskets. We had to share one measly hard boiled egg and a few black jellybeans and dang nabbit, we liked it!"

Then I made him run around the yard so I could yell at him to get off it, then race over to me so I could pinch his cheeks and ask if I smelled like powder and sadness. This kid will never visit me when I get old.

Long story short, I laughed at him. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. Then I gently reminded him that Easter is not really like Christmas, and that if anyone deserved an ipod, it would totally be Jesus Christ himself, who I like to think would have an awesome assortment of songs on it when he hit shuffle on his genius playlist. "However," I said to him, "if you've been paying attention at all during church these last few years, Jesus did not emerge from the dead after three days and saunter out of that cave and say 'Wherest though my ipod, bitches?"

Methinks someone is going to be a wee bit disappointed Sunday morning when they come down and find his basket filled with delicious candy treats that have been nestled atop a comfortable pair of summer pajamas. Thanks for nothin', Easter Bunny. Bawk, bawk!

Oh, I can't fool you. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to Target to pick up a few more things. Probably some more damn Bakugan balls and Tech Deck fingerboards (sidebar - can I possibly drop more product names into this post? - because they're reasonably priced and mama's got a gift card burning up her wallet.

First I have to wait for the damn eggs to boil, though. I started that process nearly 30 minutes ago (after consulting Google on how to cook them, natch) and the water still isn't boiling!! It'll be Monday before I get to Target at this rate, which, I guess, is fine because by then Easter candy will be on clearance. Sheesh!

I just heard one of the eggs popping. Excellent. I never, ever have good luck with this egg coloring tradition. It may have something to do with the fact that I think chickens quite possibly hate me after this particular post from way back in the blogging golden days of 2007. Good God, I've been doing this far too long. Go read those three posts. There probably far better than this one. Besides, it's Good Friday. You're probably not even out there reading or writing today anyway, are you? Hmmm? That's what I thought.

May you have a happy Easter and may all your baskets be filled with delicious Reece's peanut butter eggs...and maybe one Dove solid chocolate rabbit because if you want one, it's honestly still in my pantry.

The doctor...

She made no "Hmmm" or "This is weird!" nor "Game over, man! GAME OVER!" remarks when I visited her Tuesday afternoon and she felt the lump. She did shake her head a little bit when she was reminded of my age (42 - where's my Country Time lemonade, yo?) and the fact that I've never yet had a mammogram (I know, I know...), so I got ushered down the hall for that. There was a needle. There was a biopsy. I'm pretty sure it's all going to be fine. Same rules as my last post apply.

Thank you all, again and again, for your kind words and pats on the back. If you emailed me and I haven't responded, please know that I adore you - seriously - but I went a little dark for a few days. I will get back to you, I swear. Even though I've not had the pleasure of meeting any of you in person, I consider you treasures.

And now my eggs have just started to boil. Wouldn't you know it...one of them is a damn rogue floater...

Hop along now, my rabbits.



Blogger Marinka said...

I'm a little afraid of your son and would like to go on the record as totally being for his getting an ipod. And throw in an iPad from me, too, for good measure. Thanks.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:10:00 AM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

My son came up with a brilliant idea for my husbands birthday (also on Easter). Get this, we should get HIM an iTouch so that he can stop playing with his dads iPhone. Everyone wins! After I stopped laughing in his face, I had to applaud him for his creative, though not effective, thought process.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Anna Whiston-Donaldson said...

this was hilarious. loved your response about jesus, yo! i'm at my sister's and we are afraid to get any candy for the baskets b/c we know who will be doing the eating. argh. if your son is pissed, tell him each of my kids is getting a brand spanking new bible in their baskets.

older than dirt over here, too. if you want to share some country time i'm totally in.

so glad you went to the doc. xo

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:15:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

first of all, what kind of freakazoid child is the kid who never ate the bunny from last year? i have chocolate addict children in this house and seriously, if i were to buy them each a 5 lb hershey bar they would be devoured by week's end.

and you just have to know that the bill paxton quote from aliens in reference to a breast lump has me laughing at your ability to weave together the most disparate things.

continuing to pray for the best possible outcome.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

I hate rogue floaters! It's good to have a name for them after all these years. Now I can curse them by name.

I love your son's rose-colored glasses. They kind of match mine.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:53:00 AM  
Blogger unmitigated me said...

At my house, "rogue floater" means something different. VERY different.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:54:00 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Seriously. Back in the day when I was young, yawn, we'd get a couple of boiled eggs, a small chocolate rabbit, and some chocolate eggs. That's about it. I came from a family of 6 kids so I was happy with that!

Hope all goes well with the biopsy!

Have a wonderful Easter! And may the Easter Bunny be good to you, too!

word verification: hopit
How funny is that?!

Friday, April 02, 2010 1:22:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

I don't have a cool word verification but the fact that this was on your blog,(after consulting Google on how to cook them, natch), and more specifically, natch, I am super enamored with you.
You see, the term, "natch", is a frequent one in my favorite fiction PIs vocabulary. Mike Hammer is the PI, rod, gams ogling king baby.

Do I lust you more? Natch....

Friday, April 02, 2010 2:23:00 PM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

I did the egg thing today and only realized when I tried to make lunch out of cracked on for my daughter that they weren't completely cooked. They were soft boiled, only more gross - if that's possible. AND I got the directions from the internet...

I do remember getting some little toys in my Easter basket - but a walkman (back in the day you know) would have been a stretch...

Friday, April 02, 2010 3:55:00 PM  
Blogger The Invisible Seductress said...

sharing the hard boiled eggs wasn't so bad,,but those damn black jelly beans....ack.....and walking up the hill in the snow with no shoes on...damn...

you crack me up!!!

Happy Easter!!!

Friday, April 02, 2010 5:25:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

What Lime said re the kid who still hasn't eaten last year's choco-bunny. Maybe you should carve him one out of cauliflower, or something. . .

I'm sure there's some manner of hilarious comment to be made about needles being stuck into boobs, but I should probably decline. . . ;)

Friday, April 02, 2010 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Barb Chamberlain said...

In what circle of Hell did you hatch the idea of giving gifts for Easter? Don't let my daughters read this post. They may be 19 and nearly 16 but they'd expect me to make up for two decades of giftless Easters that only featured hidden chocolate eggs (none of that jelly bean crap and NO PEEPS), and that was only when they were fairly little and still pretty easily fooled. Those days are long gone. Gifts for Easter? What a slippery, slippery slope. Next it will be Fourth of July and Thanksgiving.

Loved the post.


Friday, April 02, 2010 5:40:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

Women are always scared of needles in the boob. Personally, I didn't think it was that bad. I have a friend I'm trying to convince to see a dr, so at least you went to yours.

My daughter is soooo past the basket stage. =( She still wanted a present though. A Zhu zhu pet. An orange one. I got it. And a giant Reese egg. I got off so cheap it isn't funny. I still go over and color eggs with my nephews though. At least they pity an old broad like me.

Friday, April 02, 2010 6:15:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

But will any of those eggs end up deviled? WWJD? Yeah, he'd have bitch slapped Judas given a second chance.

Be well, FADKOG.

Friday, April 02, 2010 6:42:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

Jave a rockin' fun easter - and summer jammies are always a good eater bonus. The end. xo stay well-

Friday, April 02, 2010 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

My 6 year old daughter thinks the Easter Bunny actually lays the eggs filled with jelly beans and chocolate treats. Wait until I tell her your bunny leaves techno toys!! She'll be right there.

(and at your ripe old age, it is not uncommon to have lumpy boobs...keep the faith, babe)

Friday, April 02, 2010 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I'm thinking he gets top marks for creative thinking, for sure; And?
Yeah, think of the JOY he brought you? I mean you laughed FOUR times, count the word, FOUR in just the first 2 sentences of that paragraph- you should be grateful for such a kind, thoughtful boy to keep you smiling,in your dotage.

Prayers & thoughts re: biopsy & results-


Friday, April 02, 2010 7:26:00 PM  
Blogger Pgoodness said...

Jesus deserving an ipod cracked me right up. hehe

Fingers crossed for good results. :)

Friday, April 02, 2010 9:37:00 PM  
Anonymous WaltzInExile said...

First things first (first thing's first?) -- I have been sending positive "all wi' be well" thoughts out for you. Please keep us posted, though.
Second, "wherest my iPod, bitches" made me snort diet Pepsi out my nose. It hurt but I didn't care.
Third, freakin' Bakugan. Cursed things. Hate them. HATE.

Friday, April 02, 2010 11:35:00 PM  
Blogger AiringMyLaundry said...

Mmmm. Chocolate bunnies. The Easter Bunny better leave me one of those.

Saturday, April 03, 2010 12:27:00 AM  
Blogger bernthis said...

if it weren't for my ex, I wouldn't have to play that game at all. At least I don't have to deal with the Easter preparation or Christmas which is good b/c I really am that kind of lazy

Saturday, April 03, 2010 1:30:00 AM  
Anonymous Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Wait till you see the list Boo wrote for the Easter Bunny... it is a freaking mile long, full of toys.

I was all 'it ain't Christmas, buddy' and he was all 'heh, I said PLEASE!'

Methinks a little boy is gunna lose his shit in the morning when his basket is full of chocolate.

Saturday, April 03, 2010 6:13:00 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I'm so glad you're getting your boobs checked out! And I'm also kind of glad someone else has as much difficulty boiling eggs as I do. Seriously? Egg boiling? That is one over-rated skill.

Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 03, 2010 11:36:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I was told in no uncertain terms last year to ONLY BUY the Reese's chocolate EGGS, NOT the mini Reese's bunnies. There's just not enough peanut buttery goodness in the bunnies.

Kids! Anyways, have a happy Easter and loads of hugs being sent your way.

Saturday, April 03, 2010 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger Scarlett said...

Your baskets sound awesome.

I feel like I need to run out to Target to pimp out my son's basket now.

Have a great Easter.

Saturday, April 03, 2010 8:19:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I'm so glad you went to the doctor, and even more glad that she didn't pull any faces while you were there.

What is up with your stove? Everyone has their own way of hard-boiling eggs (we talked about it at work the other day - five ladies, five different methods) but I like: eggs in pot, water to cover, bring to boil on high heat, turn to a simmer for ten minutes, then drain and fill pan with cold water to stop the cooking. One of the work ladies recommended using slightly older eggs to make the peeling easier, but I just grab whatever is available and creatively curse if the shell sticks and pulls some egg flesh.

Egg flesh. Ew. Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 03, 2010 8:48:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

An iPod, eh? See, if my son had asked his father (the Daver) he'd have gotten one. Luckily he didn't. Also, good luck with the needle thingy. With the things we're not talking about, I got some abnormal results I am not talking about that I have no desire to talk about either and I so get it.


Sunday, April 04, 2010 8:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I want to know is which one of his friends gave him the crazy idea he woudl get an Easter basket like that?!? We just got candy...in little plastic eggs that we had to find all through our yard. It was cold. Kids these days...

Monday, April 05, 2010 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Superb post. Very very good stuff.

Monday, April 05, 2010 1:17:00 PM  
Blogger justmakingourway said...

Well, the Easter Bunny who hopped by our house left a Bakugan for the Wonderboy. And got totally shown up by the Easter Bunny who stopped by my In-Laws and left a five pack of the little suckers. If I didn't worship the ground they walk on (my IL, not the Easter Bunny), I'd be a little annoyed.

Now I'm off to buy half price Cadbury Eggs! Bawk! Bawk!

Monday, April 05, 2010 1:36:00 PM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

LOL!!! yeah those damn bakugan balls went in his basket as well!
fingers crossed for you!!!
p.s. thanks for your kind words on my post, lady!!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 8:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Monique said...

LOL. We had virtually the same conversation in our house and the same results from the Easter Bunny. Luckily, the candy seemed to ease the pain.

I'm hoping you get an all clear from the biopsy.


Tuesday, April 06, 2010 8:39:00 AM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

"Then I made him run around the yard so I could yell at him to get off it, then race over to me so I could pinch his cheeks and ask if I smelled like powder and sadness."

You. Kill. Me.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 9:01:00 AM  
Blogger jennyonthespot said...

P.S. Doctor sschtuff... {hugs}

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 9:03:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

I'm sorry I'm so behind on my reading here - good on you for getting to the doctor. Sending good thoughts your way about that.

I am not so far behind, however, as to believe that Easter baskets should contain iPods nowadays. iPods!?! I admire your kid's gumption (and, as proof of my old age, still say things like "gumption") for floating the idea, at least, but - whatever happened to those hollow Russel Stover bunnies we used to get at best?

Tuesday, April 06, 2010 12:38:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

Powder and sadness is exactly the words I have been looking for. Old ladie powder smell is what I have been calling it. YOU my good woman have clarified this for me.

Also...black jelly beans. Say. No. More.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010 8:13:00 PM  
Blogger A Vapid Blonde said...

Can you also teach me how to spell?

Wednesday, April 07, 2010 8:14:00 PM  
Blogger patty said...

you had me at bawk, bawk.

here's to negative biopsies and all that.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010 8:41:00 PM  
Anonymous polwig.com said...

I am still trying to calm my toddler twins from sugar overload. On the other hand we told our 11 year old tween that Bunnies and Santa Clauses do not bring gifts to people that do not believe... I think she will be a believer forever.

Sunday, April 11, 2010 10:17:00 PM  
Anonymous MommyGeek said...

Ok, I found this post but it remains unsatisfactory. Do you know anything yet?!?!?

Sending more good thoughts for the helluvit.

Monday, April 12, 2010 9:57:00 AM  
Blogger Leandra said...

I feel kinda guilty sometimes because the Easter Bunny is so stingy at our house, but seriously, I'm not giving them a bunch of candy that I'm only going to have to take away from them later, you know? Plus they'll get tons of candy at the church and grandparents easter egg hunt.

I'm glad you went to the doctor cause now I don't have to come and muss ya up.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010 11:17:00 AM  

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