'twas the first thing I could think of to do in the dark...
The other night I returned home late to discover my little slice of the suburbs had sunk into a pit and was experiencing a blackout. Being incredibly intuitive, I only asked myself, "Why is it so dark? Why are there no lights on in the houses around me? Why aren't the traffic signals working?" about 15 times before coming to the conclusion that there had been a power outage.
I know, right? It's as if all the hours I've spent watching Schoolhouse Rock and Bill Nye, The Science Guy were for naught, my friends, as I was clearly calling into question the fact that I have garnered much of my smarts from the little people inside my television (which I couldn't watch as a result of the blackout, however, I tried turning it on a couple of times anyway...after I also tried to open my automatic garage door to get me inside my shrouded house).
It was just after 11 p.m., when I walked into my pitch black house. Wired from hours of coffee and conversation, yet thwarted in my usual nightly ability to read, educate myself via TV, or get on the computer, I fumbled my way upstairs with the Tool Man and the ungodly early hour of 11 p.m., and got ready for bed.
Now, bear in mind that the night of this blackout, it was approximately 80 degrees, 100 percent humidity, and there was no breeze. Thanks to TV, I have learned that heat rises, so these factors meant our bedroom was hella hot. I don't really do hot well. With those factors in mind, please join me as I take you into my bedroom for a brief transcript of the conversation my husband and I had:
Me: Gaaaawwwwdddd. It's SOOOOOOO hot up here!!!
Tool Man: You'll be fine.
Me: I swear to you, I'm gonna die!!! I will die!!!! It's toooooooo hoooooootttttt.
Tool Man: Quit moving around. You'll cool down.
Me: If I could see, I would get a paper and pencil and write my last will and testament.
Tool Man: It's not that bad.
Me: Tell the boys I loved them.
Tool Man: Can we go to sleep now?
Me: How can you possibly sleep? It's soooooo hooootttt! And I'm sooooo bored! I wanna read. I can't sleep. There's no way I can sleep like this. Didn't you hear me? I said it's too hot!
Tool Man: (silence)
Me: Maybe if I whip my ponytail around really fast, I can generate a breeze. Scoot over so I don't take your eye out.
Tool Man: (silence)
Me: Oh, that's just going to make me sweat more! I hate sweating! Do something!! It's soooooo hooootttt.
After several minutes stating my obvious displeasure, tossing in several (as in "shut up, already") references to how bored I also was, and trying to think if I'd ever seen a television program about how fast a person dies when subjected to extreme high temperatures, I turned back to the Tool Man to engage him.
Tool Man: You don't have to say it. I know. You're hot. You're soooooooo hooootttt.
Me: I'm totally hot, and if it wasn't sooooo hooott and didn't just feel a river of sweat cascade between my breasts, I'd show you just how hot I am. Alas, I thought I should just tell you that I don't think I have what it takes to cut it as a pioneer. I am truly sorry.
Tool Man: (silence)
Me: If I were a pioneer, I would pray every night for a plague of grasshoppers to come and wipe out my family's fields, thus forcing us to pack up the wagons and head to cooler climes. Short of grasshoppers, I'd also consider a roving band of miscreants to ride in one day and unleash hell upon the inhabitants of my tiny town.
Tool Man: You know you're being a little dramatic now, right? You know that we'll never experience pioneer hardships ever again, right?
Me: Hello? I've seen your silly science fiction movies! I know the population can be wiped out with the tiniest experiment gone wrong! Who's to say this blackout isn't the result of someone tinkering in a secret lab in their basement four blocks over right this very moment!?
Tool Man: Who's to say...
Me: I'm sooooooo hhoooooottt!!! It's too hooottttt!! I think I'm gonna die...I want to die......
Seconds later, I heard the tiny click of our bedside phone, which was soon followed by the resuscitation of our clock radio, it's flashing "12:00....12:00...12:00," signaling it's pulse back to life.
"OH! Praise Jesus!" I yelled, feeling the breeze from the ceiling fan increase and spill down upon my sweaty, ravished, pony tailed, naked, and splayed body as the blades picked up their pace. "Thank you for not taking me like this. Thank you for the lack of grasshoppers. Thank you for electricity. Thank you..."
As I reached down to grab the sheet from the bottom of the bed to warm up my now chilled body, I asked Tool Man if he, too, felt like the blackout had gone on forever. "Something like that," he responded as I rolled over to reset the alarm. It was then that I discovered the black out had, in fact, not gone on forever.
No.
It had lasted only thirty minutes.
Thirty.
Minutes.
Thirty minutes.
Not only am I a whiner, but indeed, I am a very big weenie.
Labels: I love you Ben Franklin
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 5:10 PM
26 Comments:
Man up dude.
I'm talking to the Tool Man, here. Dude had you all nekked and sweaty and moaning and didn't do anything about it????
BP Dad - That attempt was made while the power was still off, but it was too damn hot! Suffice to say, by the time I reached for the sheet, things were done about it, indeed!
Good to hear that at least after the sheets were pulled, things were done. Cuz otherwise, I'd have to wonder, why are you wasting a perfectly good blackout?
I would've been right there with you complaining.
Yeah, I hate heat and humidity too. Why am I moving to Charleston again?
Man that song brings back memories of kissing in my cousins basement behind the curtain sitting on the Maytag. Wooohooo!!! Good tune indeed!
I hate being hot and worse I hate boob sweat.
You know what you need? Well, besides a husband who can take a hint, but you need to get you one of them lil' book lights that way you could of sat outside with a book and you could have provided a beacon of hope to your neighbors.
Let that be a lesson to ya. Oh and here's my tip for sleeping on hot nights-well, besides running the a/c-I like to take a cool shower than lay under the ceiling fan. Something about cool air blowing on my pink parts...rawwrrr.
Yeah, see here is the thing... if it is as hot as I imagined your pain to be, I would have cut off limbs and appendages had my husband even come close to me at that moment! I feel your pain, I really do. Something I hate more than being hot, is being wet. Yep, I hate it. I need a shower after anything that causes me to sweat. See I am a p.a.n.s.y.! There are no two ways about it. I have had our bedroom window cracked for over a month now, and you know what our weather has been like. hehehehehe
So, when did it get that hot? Crimeny - I hope I never see that temp - but more than that, I dont want to see anymore snow!
And yes, without lights, or tv/computer, 30 minutes comes close to "kill me now and put me out of your misery"! Its plain proof that we are doomed to have one of those neighborhood experiments go very very wrong. I watched Jericho. I watch Lost. I know it can happen. Comiserate friend, I get it!
May I also extend to you my sympathies? One of my first questions when the electric goes out is, "How long are we waiting till we go shack up at the Comfort Inn?" Because my tolerance level is real low for pioneer activities. However, I can't relate to the heat problem. It always seems to be winter here, and then you are dealing with a gas furnace that still doesn't work thanks to the electric blower (or something like that?)
And when you hear the whir of the fridge and see the blinking 12:00, isn't it akin to finding out your tumor is benign? Relief and rejoicing!
Your post just made me very happy in two ways: 1) validating our decision to finally have central a/c installed in our home; 2) hitting the sweet spot of my Billy Squier jones.
We had an honest-to-goodness, 48-hour power outage in our neighborhood, maybe 9-10 years ago (we were still in our old house, so it was at least that long). But it was October (and unseasonably cold, as a freakish snowstorm had caused said power outage), so our concerns were more along the lines of how to stay warm. . . I think, the next summer, local birthrates jumped by something like 30%. . . 'Cuz, like, tryin' to keep warm in the dark just takes you in such pleasant directions. . .
A couple things we did learn from the experience - (1) Even if you don't camp, those Coleman lanterns are like gold when the power goes out. And (2), it's a good idea to keep an old-fashioned phone (you know, with a cord, and everything) stashed away somewhere, 'cuz the phone signal itself isn't affected by a power outage, but cordless transmitters are. . . Just in case you're interested. . .
LOL! I feel your pain. When we have a blackout, Budman runs an extension cord to his truck (he has some sort of adapter thingy in there) and we can get just enough juice to power a fan, a TV and sometimes a lamp. Then we sleep in the living room all together. I love being married to a nerd. LOL!
Feeling much better today - I was a bum most of the weekend, though.
Did I hear the phrase 'boob sweat'?
I moved into that house next door, by the way. It wasn't so much an experiment that went awry, as much as it was an experiment completely intended to turn you into a sweaty, ravished, pony tailed, naked, and splayed body.
For 30 minutes, at least.
We call this "success."
I completely understand. I HATE being too hot ("too hot" being pretty much anything over 85 degrees).
I don't know if the weather is warmer or cooler outside your house, but for us, it is almost always cooler outside at night, which means that we are sometimes driven there for sleep and other activities.
You know who else is Hella Hot? Billy Squire! MMmmmm BAYBEE! Thank God Ipods still work during power outtages eh?
30 minutes huh? No offense, I love you and all, but I don't think I want you on my team if we were to do an episode of 1800's house...I don't think I could be as patient as the Tool Man. Oh I'd try adn all, truely I would, but the heat would overcome me and I'd fall prey to temporary insanity and my inner shark would come out and you my friend? You'd just fall prey.
But I'd totally play Billy Squire for you at the funeral...cuz I'm a good friend like that.
Stacie
1 + 1 = 2
A + B = C
E = MC2
Bogart + Hot = Death
No wonder we e-get along.
This post had me rolling! It's good to know I'm not the only one who whines and crys like that to my husband about little things!! He would have done the same thing as Tool Man 'cept he would have told me to shut the hell up already 'cause all that bitchin was just causing more hot air to circulate!!
By the way, I found your blog through DadGoneMad. I've posted a complete list of everyone who left their blog link in a post called Blog Rolling With My Homies over on my blog, so if you want to see it come on over and sit a spell. I don't bite..…that hard anyway!
I fear for you when the zombie apocalypse happens. You are clearly not prepared for the breakdown of civilization.
Living in Seattle, power outages are an annual event during our wind storm season. I'm equipped for a wide variety of entertainment sans power, you learn to adapt! Heat is rarely an issue... ;-)
The heat? That surely had to be generated by you. You ARE hot.
I doth lusteth you much!
I am sooo with you! If my feet are hot, I don't want to do anything but moan.
And not the good kind of moan
I love coming here and listening to awesome tunage!
I love the way you write. Always makes my day a little bit better.
Glad you liked the poem. I couldn't have said it any better if I had written something myself!
Hallie :)
I loved this...and I am glad electricity was restored before you melted into a puddle and died ;)
I think I've seen too many scary movies, because any time the power cuts off, especially at night, my first suspicion is that some serial killer has cut the line, and I freeze in place and listen very very carefully for any sounds (like heavy breathing or what I don't know). I make my husband get out of bed and check it out. =P
Oh, girl, you are so speakin' my language here. I am the same way. and my husband thinks i am such a drama queen for it. i say it's them not us, g-money.
You are funny as all get out, man. your last comment on my blog made me about pee my pants!
Sailor - Blackouts on much cooler nights are more to my liking. We rarely even get blackouts, but when we do, they never seem to fall on opportune nights!
Chag - I can pretty much complain about everything. I'm sure this is a huge part of my charm!
Bunny - You know what the humidity levels can be like where I'm at, I think, and if Charleston is like summers here can be, I don't envy you!
kimmy - Boob sweat sucks. Billy Squire doesn't suck. Neither does kissing atop a Maytag! Get this. I have four little book lights. Just like all our dang flashlights, not a damn one had a working battery in it! In the event of world disaster, I need you to look out for me!
justlori2day - The dude kept pawing at me and draping legs. Seriously! He puts off enough body heat without the benefit of a blackout to drive up the temps, and he thinks I've got that loving feeling?! Men are strange!
Cocotte - OM gosh! Yes! On top of everything else, all I could keep asking was "Have we read or seen anything about how long food will keep in a fridge with no power? I JUST went to the store!" That was the third thought after "Can we use some of your Holidy Inn frequent guest points, honey?"
Twobusy - You will stand outside and be thankful every time that AC unit kicks on. Trust me. Just don't sing "The Stroke" when you're out there, because that would be weird and the neighbors might look at you strange. You take that indoors, which is where I often can be found singing it. In the cool, cool breeze.
Des - I've endured days without power in the colder temps and yep, even that reinforces what a wus I am. I take entirely too much for granted in the ways of this modern day world we live in! Additionally, I can bitch about being too cold pretty well, too!
Melody - Dang! I should have asked my nerd if such an option would have been available to us! We had a perfectly good truck sitting in the driveway!
FTN - Hi, neighbor. I'm coming over Thursday with brownies. Get the Country Time lemonade ready. I'll be all giggly and apologetic that I didn't refer to it as BOOBS! sweat, so be ready. Do not answer the door naked.
Therese - I'm game for the outdoors. As long as there are no bugs...and I'm not touching dirt...and that lump I just felt wasn't a dead creature...and there are no Bigfoots around...
Stacie - I would not be a good party for the pioneer living. I would, however, completely dominate "The Year 2000 House," though, if there ever comes a day when such a beast exists. Other contestants would fear me. I'd be a legend! I would not tolerate any damn sharks, though! Sharks. Blech.
Bogart - Welcome to the e-family, my friend. We're sorta bitchy, but mostly nice!
deedee - I'm glad you stopped through, and I thank you for commenting! I went to your place a couple days prior and snagged the list, and knew for sure upon a quick read that I'd be coming back. It's good for us fellow whinerx to stick together!
Michael - As luck would have it, I actually have a zombie survival plan. It mostly involves seduction. I don't know how much time that will buy me, but I figure it's worth a shot!
Savage - Even with all the whining and complaining I can do? What a saint you must be!
Bee - You can moan with me anytime, Bee. And not that kind of moan that two (or more) women can do when their together that makes men perk up and want to watch!
WWW - Awww! That's such a sweet thing to say. You do the same for me, even if you're posting pictures of alien weiners and giant, multi-legged dinner plates!
Cat - CAT! Woo hoo! Hello, stranger! Good to see you're still out there. Thanks for coming by when I was in full on "gripe mode!"
Heather - OMG. I am SOOO not a fan of things like this for that very same reason, too! I was just so freakin' happy my often traveling husband was home that night, because I would have had to overcome my complete fear of dying at the hands of a serial killer who chose my house to grab my kids and attempt escape to the neareast Marriott!
katie - All hail the drama queens! Most of us girls here appear to be such, at least according to our significant others. I say I look damn good in a tiara, so drama queen it is!
I can't take the heat - not one bit and I b*tch and complain the entire time the AC is turned off. I'm with you on this one.
Motherbumper - I've already inquired about when the AC can be turned on for the season! Sweating has a place. That place is not between my boobs.
Post a Comment
<< Home