'he had many questions, like children often do...'
I've spent the past two days home from work with my oldest son, who put a coda on Mother's Day by throwing open the gates of hell and releasing the confines of his stomach, Mr. Creosote style in Monty Python's Meaning of Life ("Ah, good afternoon sir; and how are we today?" "Better." "Better?" "Better get a bucket - I'm gonna throw up.").
A couple of things. Happily, this lovely boy of mine didn't also open up the bowels of hell, if you know what I mean. Additionally, my husband slid in just under the wire on Mother's Day and gifted me by being the one who got up when the crime scene taking place in the boys' bathroom was discovered, and remained on duty as my wafer thin boy threw up every 10 to 20 minutes throughout the night.
It's always a tough call to determine when my kids are sick, because unlike their whiny mother, they aren't big on complaining. Whereas I was praying like an old lady at a tent revival for the sweet, sweet Lord to reach down and pluck me homeward when I came down with the flu over the winter, my kids go about their merry way while rotting from the inside out. The only clue you ever get is when the projectile vomiting kicks in, and then suddenly, I start whining again.
So anyway, I've been home from work for a couple days, getting to be the kind of doting mom found in books like Love You Forever (minus the creepy stalker angle). It's not hard to feel guilty about this when you consider I pull down an enviable $41.50 per shift (don't be fooled by the rocks that I got...). Oh, and because I love my son and of course I'd be there for him when he's sick.
But after his father cleaned up after the child's puke and/or he cleaned his own bucket.
(Kidding)
(Sort of)
By PukeFest-Day 2, my son was feeling a bit better, and the pent up frustration brought on by laying on the couch for hours watching The Price is Right and Drake and Josh, and having your every whim catered to ("Duh-ream day!" she sang...), was beginning to bore him. By 9 a.m., today, he was stalking me, popping up like a jack-in-the-box at my every turn. I knew his fever must have broken because he was compelled to engage me in an actual conversation, which doesn't happen much because Yuck! I'm a girl!
Actually, it wasn't so much a conversation as a means of prepping me for a game show I'm sure is in development somewhere (like Hell) titled "Useless Crap You'll Never Need To Know!" and it's successful spin-off, "We Just Pulled This Answer Out of Our Ass so You'll Let Us Be To Watch TV In Peace. Now Go Away!" Both shows will be hosted by Regis Philben.
Here's a sampling of what he hit me with throughout the day today (it should be noted that EVERYTHING he says to me is prefaced with "Hey mom?" Everything.):
- "Hey Mom? Is George Clooney running for vice president or somethin?"
- "Hey Mom? Why do high school people text or call other people so much?"
- "Hey Mom? Who is George Clooney, anyway?"
- "Hey Mom? Have you ever heard of the blue-footed boobie?"
- "Hey Mom? Why doesn't your brain send a signal to your feet to start moving faster so you make it to the bathroom in time when you need to puke?"
- "Hey Mom? Can we talk about the Titanic incessantly?
My answers were as follows:
- "If he were running for vice president, I would vote for him. Sure, first I would get behind the issues and THEN I would vote for him."
- "B/C itz fn 2 share TMI! ROTFLMAO! YW. TTL.
- "Just the sexiest man alive. No big deal."
- "Did you say 'birdie or BOOBIE?'"
- "I don't know, but I wish it did. Wait! I bet Dad wishes it did!"
- "Please! Because we don't talk about it enough! We have 24 books and record every television program about it, and soon I'm not sure how long I can act surprised when you give away the ending!"
By the afternoon, he was beginning to feel better, bounding around the house with his little brother, and thought it might be fun to test his restored intestinal fortitude (fingers crossed on this...five hours and counting...) with a handful of spicy nacho Doritos. We ended our day with two culminating questions. The first was "Hey Mom? If I get sick tonight, are you gonna be able to handle it?"
No. A stew of spicy nacho Doritos simmered with Tool Man being out of town? No. Just...no...
His last question was "Hey Mom? Can I go back to school tomorrow?"
Absolutely. I need a real day off. And I have game show questions to bone up on.
Labels: powder scented Lysol doesn't trick your brain into thinking 'Nope no one puked here'
posted by for a different kind of girl @ 11:15 PM
25 Comments:
::BLECH!!::
I can never deal with other people's puke. My niece threw up on me one time and I was all brave but inside I WAS DYING.
Glad you get a day off and your son is better. :o)
No it doesn't. Try tomato juice.
Hang on. That's for skunks. Did he puke up a skunk, by any chance?
You know, if you send 'em to school sick the custodian will clean up the projectile vomit. I'm just sayin'...
The brain sending a message to the feet is an EXCELLENT question. That boy is a genius!
Hallie
I hated Titanic...she whines so much, Leo is a tool, and the bad guy was the one who got cheated on...
Anyway, sorry to hear about the projectile vomit. Sounds like an awesome treat!
So then, what IS the blue-footed boobie? I'm dying to know!
I feel for you. Really I do.
And Regis as host? Nice touch.
Stuff like this turns me into the paranoia queen. I'll do a bathroom lock-down (the vomiter only gets to use one bathroom) and then I follow the vomiter with Lysol for days, spraying down anything he/she comes in contact with, while telling the others not to breathe when vomiter is in the room. All the while, making comments about this is why I didn't go to nursing school.
Oh man, sounds like lots of fun! I hope your guy is feeling better soon!
And I'm cracking up at all his questions. I love the minds of boys...
Yeah it sucks to have the strong stomach of the house. Between my son and my ex I've done more of my share of puke duty.
There's something comforting about knowing I wasn't alone in dealing with puke issues over the weekend. Although as mine involved waking up to my son moaning in pain at 1am, followed by me going in to his room to check on him, followed by me being suddenly drenched in something like two gallons of Thai beef dynasty, Siam rolls and chocolate milk... well, only so much comfort is really possible.
"...and her dreams of a half day of silent, puke-free day shattered like the glass tumbler falling from the fragile grip of an elderly man unable to admit he has a problem when the telepehone rang a mere hour and a half after sending her son to school."
"Is this the greatest Mom on the planet," the school nurse asked, her query met by a sigh she briefly mistook as the death rattle emitted by said greatest Mom on the planet.
"Yes..." the greatest Mom replied. "Yes, it is."
So here we are. We've done four worksheets about adverbs, discussed the use of "we" or "us" with nouns, and are soon to tackle spelling words. Oh, and we're loaded with other lessons, such as:
"Don't put that spoon in your mouth immediatley! That soup is really hot!"
"OUCH!"
...sigh...
"I just wanted to see if the metal was hot."
and
"Hey Mom? You know if it's not windy? What causes the ripples on water?"
I have an advanced degree in life. An jack of all trades, and a master of none.
Oh, I used to be a master editor. Those days? Those days are gone.
Monty Python and I will love you forever....freaking brilliant.
man i hate the smell of vomit.
and even worse i hate cleaning it up.
especially out of the carpet or linens.
sometimes it's best to just throw that shit out and buy new.
omg, all the questions. why do they ask so many questions when they're sick? i mean, shut up already. i think i'd rather have 'em pukin' than asking me questions. especially about boobies. i can do george clooney chatter, but not the rapid fire questions. they get me everytime.
hope he's feelin' better!
Bee - Just you wait until one of them throws up IN you, then you'll really die inside. It's not a great idea to not turn your head when a big baby burp rears its own ugly, disgusting head.
BB Dad - How I wish. Of course, tomato juice makes ME gag, so there's that pesky downside.
Michael - That was my plan yesterday. Alas, the custodian took a great deal of delight in talking about chunks, my kid heard, and his already delicate constitution was compromised yet again.
WWW - It's time for science to get on this study, for I'm now dealing with Kid 2 and zero sleep!
Bogart - 10 years ago, I could tolerate that movie. Today I am a wisened, older, more jaded individual. Now I just countdown to the arrival of the iceburg.
Heather - If I ever get to stop cleaning up after what has turned into two sick kids, I plan on doing a little internet research on the blue footed boobie!
Mandy - I figure whatever helps me get closer to achieving my dream of being Kelly Ripa can only be a good thing!
Cocotte - I'd be happy if my kids at least made it to a bathroom at this point! Unfortunately, at this point, I think I've killed off half my viable brain cells with the lingering scent of Lysol. Note to self: Don't buy powder scented Lysol ever again. Ever.
Melody - Boys are great. Even greater when they're not wretching!
Mike - My husband bailed after day one of what's turning into a long, long week of this. Dude owes me!
Twobusy - I got the joyous trip to my youngest son's room at 4 a.m., today, leaning over his bed with my hands bracing my exhausted body upon his mattress. "Did you just get sick? Did you get sick? Wait. No need to answer. My stellar sense of touch has affirmed..."
Thank goodness we skipped Asian, though. After reading what you dealt with, I may skip Asian for a LONG time!
Greatest Mom on the Planet - ...sigh... Welcome to round two. Or is this four? Looks like you need a drink, honey. And a nap.
GM on the P - God lck gitting a "reel" jobe agin.
Ed - Thank you, sir. You're always very kind!
kimmy - He's better. Now it's kidlet 2. And linens. Lots and lots of linens. I may have to put my washer on the curb for the garbageman after this week.
My mom was all, "Oh, he just probably loved his time alone with you," about all his questions, but for the love of god already!
Olive Fog is plain old white? Good to know. And remember, Catalina Stone is just a fancy name for MOSTLY GREY CONCRETE color!
Hallie
oh YIKES! This bug thing that's going around...I gotta tell you. Well no...I guess I don't gotta tell you..it's no fun. you already know that..
Hope all is well soon and they don't give it to you.
Stacie
omg! i thought i was the only one that thought Love You Forever had a creepy stalker feel to it too, Diff Gal! that had me laughing out loud when i read what u wrote. damn, not only do we both wish we could hang out at the Peach Pit with David Silver and Nate and Donna Martin, but we also have similar feelings about children's books! :)
have a good one!
Wait - you got Regis Philben to host BOTH shows? Damn, you've got connections. Here's hoping he's in the clear for your sake.
and I thought ZAC was the only boy who simply opened his mouth and stated "hey mom" with no idea what was coming next. before we resolve the brain/foot phenom, let's work on actual logical thought processes with carefully reasoned logic to come after "hey mom" rather than the blank look I have come to enjoy from the Zacman.
do you think we actually have the SAME KID, somehow?
If I hear "hey mom" one more time...
How do kids do it? I dont get it. I too would like to be plucked off the planet when I have even the slightest twinge of nausea, let alone full blown chunk chow.
GL with tomorrow. There is always tomorrow!
Or Saturday...
You could always go back to work! hehehehe
Hope he's still well and giving you some peace and quiet. Maybe he'd like to talk to my daughter. He can tell her about the Titanic and she can tell him what happens to dead pets.
We don't have a pet. We haven't had a pet since she was 1 1/2. Yet that's all she wants to talk about. Besides Hannah, of course.
Saved you the trouble:
The Blue-footed Booby (Sula nebouxii) is a bird in the Sulidae family which comprises ten species of long-winged seabirds.
The name “booby” comes from the Spanish term bobo, which means "stupid fellow". This is because the Blue-footed Booby is clumsy on the land, and like other seabirds can be very tame. It has been known to land on boats, where it was once captured and eaten.
The natural breeding habitat of the Blue-footed Booby is tropical and subtropical islands off the Pacific Ocean, most famously, the Galápagos Islands, Ecuador.
You had me rolling with this one!
And that "Hey, Mom"...it has to be an inbred boy thing. My oldest drives me nuts with that. Good thing is that he drrraaagggss it out whenever he wants something so it give me time to prepare my answer of either 1. No 2. Hell No or 3. Go ask your dad!!
WWW - I wonder what kind of pay the people who sit around thinking of paint names pull down. I bet I could do that job pretty well. I'll sit here in my Olive Fog confines and pretty up my resume!
Stacie - I damn well better not get it! I've had a go at it or it's very close cousin earlier this season and no one here wants to go through that again! But I swear to you, if cleaning the bathrooms and washing means I took in some airborne pathogens, someone is going down!
Katie - I know! If I was that guy and was in my 30s or 40s, I'd be all, "Ma? It's nice you love me so much and junk, but seriously. This creeping up the ladder at night to watch me sleep has got to come to a stop now. How about going to the senior center and meeting someone already? Dad's been gone a long time now..."
Motherbumper - Reege and me? We tight!
1blueshi1 - In the event teleportation is a scientific reality and not just some technique they use to move the story along faster on those silly little science fiction shows Tool Man watches, I believe there is a very real possibility we share a child!
justlori2day - I actually thought, as I was scrubbing out one of many buckets yesterday, that working among the cacophony of children who weren't my own would be sweet relief. Instead, I'm going out drinking tonight!
Chag - Happily, both boys are at school today, and so far, not one call has come in from the nurse's office. Praise be! And deal on the kid thing. I am also especially well versed in conversations that begin: "Remember that one time..." and "You know! That thing! From over there? That that one guy showed me?"
I also know a smidgen about the Jonas Brothers if I have to pull that out of my hat.
deedee - Yeah! I'm glad you came back! I am becoming a little better versed on the whole "Go as your dad!!" thing. It takes a moment to fly, though, when he's gone so much!
Thanks for doing my research for me! I am totally going to meet my son at the door today when he gets home and spring this fountain of knowledge upon him. And I'm sure I'll be met with "Wha? What are you talking about? Hey Mom? Can I have a snack?"
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