...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Monday, October 01, 2007

you know it's hard out here for a vamp

I don't think I can imagine a more thankless job than that of a vampire. OK, sure, perhaps eighteenth century grave digger. I mean, how much more thankless can you get then digging graves? Ain't nobody around to give you your do when you've done a good job, my friend. But if being a vampire isn't the most thankless job, I figure it falls within the top five jobs that (pardon me as I take the obvious pun) sucks.

Sure, for the sake of not upsetting the folks with fangs, let's get the pros of the job out of the way first:

You're an instant celebrity. Lots of movies have been made about you. When you go out at night looking to score the blood, you know the ladies are gonna dig you because you're like a real life movie star. Skip the dudes. They'll just try to kill you. Strike the ladies first and it's like an eternal buffet. More so if you look like Kiefer Sutherland in The Lost Boys (if you do, I routinely wear V-neck shirts, just so you know).

You can play up the "royalty" aspect of your personality. You're the mf'n Prince of Darkness son! That line is sure to sway some unsuspecting soul! You won't even be surprised when it does because you know it's just that damn good!

Chicks dig you. It's a simple fact. Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire? Hot! Gary Oldman in Dracula? Sexy! At least before the transformation, anyway. Use this mystique to your advantage as you troll the night away in search of new prey. The chicks are out there. You know it. They're gonna be spilling more than their blood for you in record time if you slide up, all dark and mysterious, and show a bit of interest by complimenting their features and asking all about them. And when you're done sucking the very life out of them, you can literally drop them like the empty vessels they've become. So cool!

Mind control. Sometimes it's not going to be your looks that scores the vics, if you catch my drift. Your ability to take whatever nugget of information your prey gives you and then twist it into a powerful seduction tool is a highly underrated pro in the "Why I would want to be a vampire" column. Use it. You'd be surprised how well it works (I mean, I assume. I already have a thankless job, thank you very much, so I'm not applying for this one. However, I believe I've seen this skill put to work a time or 12).

Sure. It all looks good on paper, doesn't it? But let's now consider the drawbacks:

You can't go to any parties and just enjoy yourself. Get invited to an event and just want to mingle with the ladies and maybe make a connection? No can do, my friend. Why? Most good parties are held at night. As a vampire, you've gotta be out there from dusk 'til dawn, grubbing on that sweet nectar that sustains you. Clearly, the hours for this kind of gig bite.

You can't just go out and soak up the sun. Your days are free. Big whoop. You can't get cocky and say "Oh, I think I'll go for a swim today." Uh-uh. Spontaneous combustion is not a pretty way to go.

You have to actually be a recluse. Oh, sure. You may have a few fellow vampires who hang around with you. If you're lucky, you all get along. If not, you're screwed. You can't just tell them to shove off. We've all seen monster movies. The undead are some of the more irritable people in the world. They're not going to go without some bitter discussion about why you're trying to push them out. If you can't deal with human psychology, do not apply for the gig.

Your living accommodations aren't that great. You sleep in a coffin. Sure, you can trick that coffin out. Sparkle it up with some glitter, a fancy faux paint technique, perhaps tack up a few rock band or movie star posters, or string a few Christmas lights around it, but it doesn't dismiss the fact you're still chilling in a coffin.

You may not be blessed with the striking hot vampire looks. Take a gander at that dude to the left. Methinks most vampires err on the side of this guy and not so much that of Brad Pitt or Kiefer Sutherland. I could be wrong. I do live in the safe suburbs, after all. However, that vampire up there can't decide if he's menacing or not. "Should I smirk? Would maybe crossing my eyes a little bit make me look more scary? Good thing that kid gave me a scar across my forehead. Scars look tough! But dang, my ears are hella big! Wish I had some hair to cover them up. Why do all the good vampires like Kiefer and Brad get the long, flowing hair? Geez!!" And, OK, I didn't want to say anything, but check out the dude's nose. Clearly, this is a vampire with phallic issues. I'm going to stretch my imagination even further than I have in this post already and say if your vampire nose isn't standing at attention, if you have a raging case of the vampire ED, then all your talk about sucking blood and taking victims is just that. A bunch of talk. Hope you've got other plans for the chicks who hang around you simply because they're blood sucker groupies.

Clearly the negatives outweigh the positives, in blood and in the vampire payroll. There's no promotions ladder. No pay scale to climb. Unless you dig being oh so pale and look good sporting the all black (well, hmmm...I do, I guess, and I'm already up half the night sometimes already...), stick to what you're doing now. Because seriously, you could get stuck like that guy up there. Take a look at that nose one more time and just rethink where you're going.

Yeah. What you're doing now doesn't suck so much, does it? Besides. No one really looks that great in a cape, either.



Blogger Sailor said...

I'm thinking it's all cool- until you got to the coffin. I mean, get real- coffins are just sooo not sexy, when you bring home the blood-sucker groupies, there's no room for two there.

Sunday, September 30, 2007 7:32:00 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

You forgot one of the best things about being a vampire. It would a great party trick to show folks how you can instantly change yourself into a bat. Now that is way cool.

Sunday, September 30, 2007 7:53:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

If Vampire's were all hot like Kiefer oh holy hell, I'd be a giraffe. Take me. Just do it. I'd so be a blood sucker groupie for sure.

Sparkles has a point though-snaps finger-*poof* bat. The old guy on the Munsters did that didn't he? Yeah see, I don't want no old geezer vampire biting me either. I'm gonna have to draw the line there. I'll have to carry holy water around my neck.

Why was it that AJ carried whathisfaces blood around her neck in a vile do you know? She'd be one hot vampire. She could bite me anyday.

Sunday, September 30, 2007 10:47:00 PM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Good thing I eat plenty of garlic and have a neverending supply of stakes--or is it silver bullets, I always get my werewolves and vampires mixed up.

Snort out f'n loud at the vampire ED.


Monday, October 01, 2007 3:18:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, now this guy. . . well, yeah - the nose. I mean, did they have to go all 'testicular' with the nostrils? Good grief. . .

Monday, October 01, 2007 7:13:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

If you had been watching all the cheesy European lesbian-vampire movies of the 1970s, you would know that clearly, all the coolest vampires are women.

Plus, they make out with each other for extended periods of time, so there's that.

Monday, October 01, 2007 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

Ahhh the LOST BOYS! sigh....I'd be their groupie any day...Keifer..the coreys..that othet cute guy, whatshisname? Oh who cares..he was cute thats all we need to know..
but then you throw Brad Pitt into the mix and if there was question before, there isn't now...I'd walk around with a freaken' target on my neck in red lipstic for Bradd Pitt. Dayum!

Monday, October 01, 2007 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Mandy Lou said...

Your mind works in mysterious ways, my friend - but I digg it.

But yeah, if they all looked like Kiefer, then sign me up as dinner!

Monday, October 01, 2007 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Count Chocula rocks!!!!

Not only do I lust you I kinda think yer rather nify too....

Monday, October 01, 2007 8:42:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

that wwas supposed to read "nifty"

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 9:33:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

sailor - I think you're on to something there. Granted, I'm just speaking for myself, but I'm guessing chicks don't dig it much if you bring them home and there's a coffin set up in the middle of the room. Generally, I can look past a lot of things, but a coffin is going to make me start asking some questions.

Sparkles - Ah! That trick right there almost erases the cons of being a vampire and makes it pretty much cool all around. Dang! It does immediately eliminate the need to get drunk and start confessing your love to strangers, as, ahem, I may or may not have done back in the old days of my party attending...

kimmyk - If all vampires were Kiefer hot, I'd be hanging outside their place all the time. Asking for it. Perhaps purposefully cutting myself while shaving my legs or something. You know, just to pique the interest.

I'm gonna draw the line at super old vampires (of course, aren't they all old? let's amend to old, but must be super hot), lesbian vampires. They're often quite attractive, but I wish to spend my undead eternity with the likes of Kiefer or Brad. They also must keep their personal torment at actually being a vampire to a bit of a minimum. I mean, I can only deal with so much personal crap.

Nan - I think it's the stake thru the heart thing. This, of course, makes sneaking up on them and forcing something like that that they don't wish to have happen to them pretty tough since you gotta be brave and charge at them from the front. Then you run the risk of them getting all charming on you, smiling their fangy smile, and falling for their tricks again.

I say it's best to ram it.


Desmond - The delightful thing about this is that every vampire page had a nose like that. I take a bit of jaded delight in knowing that the artist knew *exactly* what he/she was doing when they drew them!

FTN - Perhaps you have a point. Alas, my mom and dad didn't let me watch cable - cause they were too stingy to get it! - so I have missed the allure of the cool 1970s female vampires. I'll have to stick with the boy toys I know.

Further, I wish to explore this fascination men have with women making out with each other. Not by personally indulging, but thru some type of study that comes to a conclusion other than "It's f'n HOT!"

You think I could get government funding for that?

Stacie - I would tag team Kiefer and Jason Patric (the other hella hot dude from The Lost Boys). The Coreys? Um, I'd probably have to pass on that. What am I saying?! Probably?! Um, make that definitely..

If you wish, though, we can share Brad, too. The world is full of shared people!

Mandy lou - Ah, thank you for that. My mind pretty much never shuts down. It makes sleeping a chore.

In fact, here's what I just thought. What if Kiefer as Jack Bauer became a vampire? It would cut down the time it takes him to track down international terrorists to about half and still fit in to how crappy "24" is at risk of becoming...hmmm...

Savage - OH! How is it I forgot Count freakin' Chocula!? Forget my entire post. If you were Count Chocula, it wouldn't matter if the negatives outweighed the positives! Being a vampire would rock, nify style!


Wednesday, October 03, 2007 8:02:00 AM  

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