...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

do you love your monkey or do you love me?

A new study has been released that finds male macaque monkeys pay for sex by grooming female macaques they then have sex with. The study reports that the longer a male tends to the grooming tasks of a female, the more sex they'll engage in when the number of females in the group is lower.

A true testament to that whole "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," idea. Except they're not so much scratching backs as they are plucking bugs out of the other's hair, but a turn on nonetheless, I'm sure.

I read about this study in the newspaper over the weekend and it got me thinking about a couple things. First, how come there's funding and research time spent on learning something I, you, or even a monkey could learn from an hour spent watching Animal Planet (though, truth be told as gleaned from another study, monkeys would grab the remote with their amazing human-like hands and turn to the Spice Channel for some porn. Oh sure, if monkeys could talk, they'd be all "We don't do porn! Not us! Uh uh!" But they ain't fooling me or anyone. Monkeys are TOTALLY about the porn).

The second thing this study made me wonder about is this: how do I get my husband to be more of a male macaque? I'm not talking about picking creepy crawlies out of the raging mane of hotness or gnawing on my fingernails, but rather a full blown, make me promise you nasty things foot rub? It's not like I'm swinging around the house from room to room on some dried up old monkey paws. A little lotion, a bit of squeeze on my pressure points, and we're talking a potential round trip ticket. He enjoys sex. I enjoy foot rubs. Win win.

It's a proven fact (minus a costly, time-consuming study, ladies and gentleman!) that a stunningly executed massage at the nimble hands of an older and caring woman (there's some monkey porn for ya!) gets me purring like a tiger (no findings on what turns tigers on. yet.), so I'm quite sure I'd go full blown chimp scream on my husband if he decided to to kick up the action with a some foreplay techniques picked up from our simian friends. I'd probably eat a banana for him (wink, wink).

This study also got me wondering if I'm actually more male macaque then I realized. Because I spend a lot of time pondering what type of monkey I am. Don't we all? If we just admitted it, then we all could fess up to how we like the porn, monkey style.

Sure, I'm not really a male macaque (but if I were, you'd be all, "Damn! Monkeys can type good, too!") , but I'm insane for the picking and exploring that my husband allows me to (make that "resigns himself") do on him. I LOVE picking at my husband, even though it has yet seem to lead to hot monkey lovin'. OMG. Had I met him when we were teenagers and he had a raging case of acne, he'd have thought the way I climbed on him to get up near his face was just to make out, but I'd have been inspecting the potential pustules for popping. While there, I'd have blown in his ear. Not just to convey my raging lust. No. More to release any flakes or buildup stowing away in his canal.

The man, bless him, tolerates the picking and flicking. Come to think of it, there may be a point during sex when things do switch into the hot monkey lovin'. He's got a mole on his back that, when my hands graze over it, I stop whatever it is I'm doing (wink, wink) and give it a flick or five. Just thinking about that gets me kinda in the mood for a banana. I would so go all Jane Goodall on the man. We could totally play 'Primatologist and the Giant Silverback Gorilla".

Finally, I'll admit that I have spent some time considering what type of monkey I'd be, and I've decided that, clearly, I'd be an orangutan. Why?

Raging mane of hotness, of course!

That revelation comes to you minus a lengthy study. Science is amazing!



Blogger Sailor said...

Nothing better than a raging mane of hotness, especially if the owner of said mane has just received a lengthy footrub.

Come on by, cuz I *love* giving footrubs, as well as massages.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

My husband and I found that the "grooming ritual" often led to some hot monkey love. If he took off his shirt and asked me to examine his back, that was tantamount to an invitation to jump his bones. There something vaguely orgasmic about popping a really juicy zit, eh?

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 7:28:00 AM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

the DH actually rubbed my back this past weekend. I may have briefly lost consciousness (from the shock, of course). I've been keeping some free weights in my cubicle at work and lifting between/during calls which is doing wonders for my muscle tone but my back really hurts b/c I don't stretch like I should (makes mental note to stretch).
Also, I really, truly want a pygmy marmoset. To watch monkey porn with.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 7:40:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

I have to say, you've got some truly weird fetishes. But 'tis okay, I dig it.

But come on! "I'd probably eat a banana for him"? Seriously? Did you have to go there two posts in a row?

Teh Sex talk, it is too much fore mee.

And as a footnote, I've given countless massages -- back, shoulders, head, foot, full-body, what-have-you -- in my marriage. Sure, the wife absolutely loves them, she moans, she oohs, but they are relaxing and seldom seem to do much for her sexually. "Getting relaxed" is only a good precursor to sex if you want to have relaxing sex.

Which I guess has its place.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 8:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, what FTN said. Queenie loves her a good foot rub, head or shoulder rub, back massage, full-body-monkey-rub, all of that, until .... well .... she starts snoring. Relaxing doesn't even scratch the surface of what it does for her. And to me .... well, it's not a pretty sight. And no, waking her up is not a good idea!

On the other hand, she knows all she has to do is start and I'm ready. And, well, anyway ....

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Ooo-kayyy. . . the 'potential pustules for popping' bit, while delightfully alliterative. . . did we really need to go there? . . .

And, since you brought it up, Molly and I do have one little bit of simian-style 'foreplay' (if you wanna call it that) - when we're showering in 'water-saving mode', the woman sheds like nobody's business when she washes her hair. And it then falls upon me to, uh, inspect her body for stray hairs that need to be, um, plucked. From wherever. By the time we're done, the wall of the shower stall is plastered with stray hairs. It is vaguely orangutan-ish. . .

Of course, there are all kinds of foreplay, aren't there? Molly's favorite is when I sweep the dining room floor after dinner. Last night, I came to bed to find my dear wife, um, revved up and ready for action. When the festivities were complete, I asked with a happy chuckle what had gotten into her, since she doesn't, uh, come after me like that very often. "I don't know," she said. "Did you sweep the floor?"

One man's experience. . . yours may vary. . .

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger SuperWife said...

We could totally play 'Primatologist and the Giant Silverback Gorilla".

Mountain Dew Spit Take on the Computer Monitor, brought to you today by FADKOG!!

Also, as a poor person/taxpayer, I'd totally like to thank you for saving the funding for a lengthy study on what kind of monkey you'd be.

Also, totally rockin' the raging mane of hotness here, too. Of course, my hubby gives me footrubs whenever I ask...and even sometimes when I don't. And then we totally watch Lancelot Link and Mata Hari getting busy on our computer monitor.

What?!?!? Monkey porn is H.O.T. You know it is.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Chuck said...

Well I've been macaque-ing my ass off lately and I've barely gotten a reach around. Maybe I should be more monkey like. Perhaps I could grow out my back hair....

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 10:31:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

Bee, what's on my back?
Gross!! Get the hell away from me!
I feel something, can you please just check to make sure it's not a tumor?
Bee: [pretending to look]
It's a tumor! Go to the doctor.
Andy: [after returning from doc]
WTF Bee! It was an ingrown hair. Do you know how embarrassed I was?
Why would you believe me? I'm not a medical professional, I just play one on TV!

We're a regular Ozzy and Harriet us two!

I would be a spider monkey.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 10:39:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

What can you do with that banana?

I'll have to admit, the whole thing seemed rather demeaning to the monkey--porn?!?!, say it ain't so!


Wednesday, January 09, 2008 11:56:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

The other day for heaven only knows what reason, monkeys popped into my head and they just haven't left. Not REAL LIVE monkeys in my head mind you, but I've been thinking about them a lot. I could never be a monkey..my OCD simply would not allow for me to be picking things off another monkey, even with the promise of sex in the periphery. Nosir...I'd have to be some other animal that gets it on without picking or popping things first..

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 2:35:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Sailor - Anytime you want to give a step by step, detailed account of a great foot rub, let me know where I can find it so I can print it off and leave it for my husband. I think, really, he fears giving me a foot rub because I'm hella ticklish and he fears me breaking his nose, ala that scene in "The 40 Year Old Virgin".

Bunny - I recall, when we were first married, my husband and I totally used the grooming and body inspection ritual as a means of foreplay. If I spied something on his body from across the room, didn't matter what he was doing at the time, be it hanging a picture frame or laying carpet, he'd not be doing that much longer if I spied stray hair.

1blueshi1 - A couple good things monkeys are good for. Watching porn and throwing feces. Kinda like going back to college.

I will use this "my muscles are sore" trick to see if it works tonight as I will be lifting weights as soon as I hit 'publish' on this! I shall let yo know if it works for me as sucessfully as it appears to have worked for you!

FTN - in case you not kno, iz gud two bee all talkee bout zee sex! It gitz thee Kiefer going.

I suggest trying those what have you massages again. If you toss in a what not, kinda sneak it in, I'd say you were golden. Eye on the prize, Numby, eye on the prize!

XI - Here's what I have sometimes done. Told him. Just told him after I've stuck my feet in his general facial area, that now would be a good time to provoke the winking. I do not do this when he is watching anything on the SciFi Channel, though, because I'm too distracted by that fact to bring the sexy on. Feel free to try this at home!

Des - You have managed to both charm me AND provoke a face best described as "OH, my...that sounds...um...." at the description of the shower wall plastered in errant hairs. Then I rememberd how I pull a tiny tumbleweed of my own hair outta the sink each morning after drying and I have to wonder if I am actually turning myself on?! I'll check myself tomorrow a.m. to see!

Oh, and I admit, the floor sweeping means of seduction? Tried and true, mister. Tried. And. True.

Superwife - I thank you for the Lancelot Link shout out. You're right. Monkey porn is totally hot. It's sensual. Not that demeaning porn that's out there.

btw - I RELISH the idea that my stats will now indicate a strong number of people who find this blog not just by searching for "Grease" and "The Breakfast Club" quotes, but now monkey porn!

Chuck - If you had a monkey on your back of some kind, I TOTALLY think you'd be in the game for a reach around!

You have also given me my new mating call with "macaque-ing my ass off," and for this I thank you!

Bee - Sweet, sweet Lord! Don't tell me you just tossed in that little shout out to the spider monkey randomly!? Tell me you did that just for me (because I've a mad, mad addiction for the spider monkey) and I will go all chimp humpin' happy on you. If you're inclined to that, I mean!

Nan - I once got asked to eat a banana for "investigative purposes" shall we say. C..L..A..S..S..Y!

It's true. Monkeys will always deny their affinity for the porn. Say they don't watch it, what have you. Don't believe 'em. They know WAY too much about the nasty stuff.

In fact, as a general rule, it's best to bypass the monkey exhibit at the zoo entirely.


Stacie - Monkeys pop into my head all the time. I don't get it at all. The only dream I most vividly remember is one where apes inhabited my neighborhood where I grew up and I'd watch them go about day to day human business from the confines of the bathroom window in my house. And I call my kids spider monkeys all the time. Sometimes I call my husband Grape Ape.

So I understand your issue.

And I think it is my OCD that makes the body inspection habit so intriguing. The satisfaction of ridding someone of something is totally OCD. Or crazy. Just plain crazy!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 5:34:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I'm sitting here in my Vicodin haze trying to make something witty out of my husband's peanut butter spatula and your husband's banana...and I got nothin'.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 6:18:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

y'all a bunch of twisted monkey's.

i don't want no hot monkey lovin' i mean...ew. They're kinna mean they way the grunt atcha through the glass.

If I want someone to grunt at me and make disgusting noises I'll go through the drive thru at the bank thank you very much. at least i get a sucker out that deal.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 8:11:00 PM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Well, of course, it ain't so much the hair on the wall itself that's the turn-on, as the process of plucking it off her body. . .

Thursday, January 10, 2008 9:54:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

And jeez, this is the least bit reminiscent of Fr. Guido Sarducci from the old (WAY old; when-I-was-in-college old) SNL -

If-a you could-a be any kine of-a monkey inna da world, what kine of-a monkey would-a you be?

And listen, I share your mad love for the spider monkeys. We've got a whole cage full of 'em in our own little zoo here, and I just love watching those little guys, especially the way they use their tails as a fifth arm. . .

Thursday, January 10, 2008 3:17:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

Biscuit - Yeah, but Vicodin. You have Vicodin. Of course, you had to go thru hell to get it, so there's that downside!

kimmy - totally! i don't want nobody grunting at me without some kind of reward in the end, and nothing says 'good job' like a little Dum Dum sucker. Chocolate, please!

Des - Ah! So that's the key! 'Cause it's not so sexy when I'm toeing out the little wad of the raging mane of hotness that lands on the shower floor!

And I'm totally orangutan. What about you?

Thursday, January 10, 2008 11:12:00 PM  

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