...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

'so let's play doctor baby, cure my disease'

So remember that time I told you about what a whiny little weenie I can be sometimes?

(Only awww, yeah, baby, I'm no little weenie! Uh uh. I rock the big ween, y'all!)

Well, join me now as I share with you another aspect of my personality that will serve to both titillate and dismay, leaving you disoriented, yet oddly intrigued about how I'm wired.

Let us begin our journey approximately one week ago, when, after I disgraced my hard working ancestors and sullied the good name of my family by complaining about how hot I was just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing because I couldn't see nor bear to endure an 80 degree night without the comforts of a ceiling fan, I gave thanks to Jesus and science when the power was triumphantly restored within 30 minutes. Approximately 12 minutes later, I decided it would be fun to start complaining about how sore my left hip and upper back was.

I find it amusing to bring the conversation back to me anytime an uncomfortable silence falls over the crowd, or my husband is trying to fall asleep. That's a bonus personality tidbit!

The complaints about my hip and back pain aren't new. In fact, it's been ongoing for about two months, and they are sometimes accompanied by tears. I would like to say it's the result of afternoons spent roundhouse kicking predators during secret ninja warfare, but I believe the primary culprit lies with several consecutive hours (days) spent dancing. Although I thought I was strong enough to suffer for my art, Dance Dance Revolution is an unforgiving lover, my friends, and art has been all "Tap, tap, tap. Hi! Remember that time we reminded you you weren't exactly a child anymore, and that we'd prove it to you by smiting your body with pain the likes of which made childbirth feel like a breeze? Well, we're here now. Scoot over. Oh! Ha ha! You can't scoot over 'cause your hip hurts really, really bad. Ain't that just a bitch."

Anyway, rewind. I'm complaining. Here's a smidgen of what my Tool Man put up with that night:

"This hurts so bad. I can't move. It feels like there's a creature inside of me trying to work itself out. Now it's in my shoulder, too. Please roll me over and see if you can spy a creature's head attempting to burst through my flesh. Do you think it's possible to die from this? Perhaps by a pillow placed over my face to quiet my tears and whoops! Stopping my breathing? Two months! Two months this has gone on! The heat didn't kill me, but I think this will. Donate my body to science so this malady can be cured. Do you think I should see a doctor? I should see a doctor. What kind of doctor should I see? What in the world do I tell a doctor!? Waaa...waaa....waaa...waaa."

In a shocking twist that must proves gender is a mystery never to be unlocked, my moaning and groaning didn't dampen the Tool Man's crazy lust for me! Turned on by my incessant whining, and satisfied that my core body temperature had dropped thanks to the return of electricity, my lovely rolled over slowly, so as not to disturb my geriatric hip, and gave me the patented sex move.

...sigh...the wiggly eyebrows get me every time...

"Be gentle," I said, sounding much like he did the very first time we ever had sex.

Waaa...waaa...waaa. Time passed. More time passed. A little bit later, I thought, "When did Cirque de Soleil come to town, (and will that creepy looking clown give me nightmares)?" and my hip and I eventually begged for mercy.

The next morning, I awaken and do as I've done every morning for the past two months, which was to approach the task of getting out of bed gingerly, afraid to rouse the beast within my back. However, upon gently swinging my legs around and toward the ground, I felt no pain. Assuming I must be dreaming, I bounced off the mattress and hit the floor at full stride, only to find that my hip had, indeed, been granted mercy.

I almost did a dance, but knowing the dance is my enemy,(but beware, dance, for I will claim you again!) I refrained. Instead, I tested myself on the stairs and found I could glide down them like I was atop a cloud. "I'm cured! I'm cured!" I yelled, and rushed into the Tool Man's arms, showering him with love for whatever miracle elixir he'd sold me just a few hours prior.

Nearly a week later, I'm still virtually pain free, and have been making regular appointments with the Tool Man for (say it with me now, then groan really loudly) refills on my prescription. Oh, yeah! Surely this is one for the medical journals!

So, you've gotten this far and are probably saying, "Yeah! You got some! Even with the image of a creepy clown in your mind, you got some! Good for you! Oh, and you're pretty much pain free now, freeing you to dance and do whatnot (wink, wink). Kudos! But what were we supposed to learn about you upon reading all your words? And why do I not use the word 'kudos' more often?"

Add the fact that I am unashamedly cheap to the list. During my check ups with Dr. Feelgood, I've often thought, "Think of the copay I'm saving, baby!"



Blogger Digger Jones said...

If you can spend hours doing DDR, you are ready to kick it up to the next skill level so you get more of a workout in less time. And a better mat might help, too. The cheap ones tend to slide all over and you could end up breaking your neck! Step up to a Red Octane mat and see if that doesn't kick your game up a notch.

OTOH, the sex seems to be working for you. I'd stick with that.


Tuesday, May 06, 2008 10:48:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

It's all...too...easy...



I did it. I got through it without dirtying my mouth or violating my keyboard.


Tuesday, May 06, 2008 11:17:00 PM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I like to read. I like to read alot. But I dont like to read smut, because well, its just smut. But friend, you could write a novel. A trilogy, or more, and I would read them all!

You make me long for my days as a sex craved nympho. Before kids and sadistic removal of anything related to a hormone (aka hysterectomy - or in nympho terms, lobotomy of the female reproductive system).

Tuesday, May 06, 2008 11:18:00 PM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 2:36:00 AM  
Blogger Nature Girl said...

I've never asked a friend if I could have sex with their husband before, and I really don't intend to start now, but I've had this pain in my hip and lower back for several months now and sex with *MY* husband only aggravates it...
I'm just sayin'


Wednesday, May 07, 2008 2:37:00 AM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Hmmmmmm. I had always thought that laughter was the best medicine.... So much for axioms....

And the lust is still there....

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 4:25:00 AM  
Blogger Bunny said...

Sex is the magic cure for all that ails you. Aren't you sorry you passed on the magic elixir when your throat was sore a few months back?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 6:13:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Wow.......first they tell me semen is an antidepressant, and now you're telling me the deed is a painkiller?

I think we need to start a campaign to include birth control as a tax write-off. Surely, we're saving the government beaucoup bucks somehow by getting our groove on.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 6:18:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

You have a very talented husband!

Still laughing over "refills on my prescription".

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 8:08:00 AM  
Blogger FTN said...

Something tells me that all of your whining is super-cute in print, but probably hella-annoying in person. Isn't is possible the Hubs just wanted to have sex with you to get you to shut up?

Someone call the waaah-mbulance.

Would you like some cheese with your whine?

Sigh. Okay, I admit, it's probably cute in person too. But I may just be saying that to get you to call my wife and convince her that these "medical miracles" aren't quackery.

Plus you might want to throw a few hints in concerning the Cirque de Soleil action. I could go for some of that.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 9:20:00 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

I was going to make a comment last time of why you didn't have sex. It's a power outage what else are you going to do?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 9:30:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

OK, how old did you say you were, again? 'Cuz you whine like somebody who's even older than me. . . Just sayin'. . .

And hey, I coulda toldja about that there 'miracle cure'. Daily injections as needed, for as long as the condition persists. . .

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 9:32:00 AM  
Blogger Therese in Heaven said...

Sex makes everything better. Period.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 10:15:00 AM  
Blogger Franny said...

"Refills on my prescription" hilarious.

Be prepared though The Tool Man now has an excuse to get it on no matter how bad you feel. Insert your own Tool Man let's bump uglies phrase here.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 12:31:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

I swear sometimes I think we are the same person! I’ve been having those pains and have made an appointment with one of the docs in my office (the older semi retired one since I don’t want OZ looking at my goodies hen have to see him every Friday for our meetings)! The pain has become unbearable! They Orthopedists just in case you become immune to your miracle elixir. ;o)

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 4:16:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Well, I guess that is the "Ancient Chinese Secret".

Thursday, May 08, 2008 7:50:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Sex makes everything better. Mr. Hallisicle has been saying that for years. He'll be thrilled to know you are single handedly proving it's a medical fact!!


Thursday, May 08, 2008 8:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(Trying to think of an appropriate response, failing, then finally just standing and applauding)

Thursday, May 08, 2008 8:55:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Just like a man to think putting it to us is the cure for whatever ails us, and dammit, if it ain't true! Now how will we live with them?

Thursday, May 08, 2008 9:00:00 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

Don't ever let your Tool Man read this post, his ego will grow too much. My hubby is the same way, and his favorite expression is "I've got the cure for that"

Damn husbands they get what they want and make us feel better??? How is that fair?

Thursday, May 08, 2008 1:58:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

Glad you're getting a constant refill. I know how angry people can get when they're cut off from their prescriptions!

Thursday, May 08, 2008 4:17:00 PM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

you need to make tshirts that say:

my sex is purely medicinal.

i bet it catches on with the geriatric crowd. big. it'll be huge.

Thursday, May 08, 2008 5:09:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

digger - A new mat may be the ticket. I should probably ask my husband what he thinks first, though. Strictly because of the sex!

bb dad - I know. It' so hard, isn't it?

(that's what HE said!)

justlori2day - The key is never coming out and actually saying much about the smut!

Stacie - My husband isn't a real doctor. He just plays one in the bedroom!

Savage - This hip pain of mine made laughing hurt. I had to look for alternative forms of therapy!

Bunny - Ah, at that point, I was not aware of the benefits of these alternative forms of medicine!

Cocotte - Part of me wants to keep this research underwraps. Especially since my husband would have the tendency to get a God complex!

Melissa - These were none of those $4 generics, either!

FTN - It's so cute. You should know this, what with all the stuff I pad your PO Box with. Give Autumn my number. I'm free Friday afternoon to chat up the acrobatics.

Mike - Definitely not catch up on sleep!

Des - Daily? Daily?! Most doctors want you to wean yourself off the painkillers at some point, don't they?!

Therese - Amen. Period.

Frances - The Tool Man has lately had his prescription pad handy and wouldn't mind getting me addicted!

Bee - Oh, but I think you're probably the cooler of the two of us! I was thinking chiropractor, but your suggestion gets filed away when I eventually learn I must put this in the hands of a professional!

Bogart - Then I completely credit the Chinese!

WWW - I'm writing up my findings and hope to have it published in some medical journals soon!

Twobusy - Takes bow and thanks you profusely...

Heather - Sometimes it's scary how easy you can create a monster!

Erin - Ha! I'm surprised my husband hasn't started sauntering around here, telling me he's got the cure to what ails me. I better not even suggest it!

Mandy - And this way? No pesky waiting in line at the pharmacy!

kimmy - LOL! Can I count on you to buy one of the first ones!?

Friday, May 09, 2008 12:01:00 AM  

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