...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

was it good for you?

Kudos, Hardee's! I'm not sure if it was your intent when you began broadcasting your newest ad campaign featuring Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi, but I swear you may have actually caused me to orgasm when I stumbled upon it while flipping TV channels late last week.

Have you seen it? If you're into food porn, feel free to watch the above video (extended version, baby, because I know you like it like that!). If you can't watch it, or you've taken a sabbatical from TV (which, how?! do you not realize that next Sunday is the season finale of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels?), let me break it down for you. Padma walks around an exotic open air market, fingering and touching a lot of stuff that makes me think out loud, "Do people really do that? Would I be inclined to buy spices and potentially delicious foodstuffs if I knew people far, far dirtier than I ever imagine Padma Lakshmi being had stuck their digits in it?" When she's done fondling the food, she parks herself on the stoop of a beautiful brownstone and pulls out a giant, drippy, onion ring and bacon-garnished hamburger and, I swear to you, unhinges her jaw like a snake so as to shove that first attempted bite in. What did I hear in my head when I first saw her do that? With liberties, I heard the poetic verse of one Sir Mix-A-Lot:

"My anaconda don't want none unless it comes between two buns, hon."

Which, again, I guess I should say if the goal was to make me desire a Western Bacon Thickburger and not, in fact, mourn the demise of my vibrator, I should probably rephrase that line, too. Except wait, Padma's tongue is now out and curling up like a serpent, so just a second...

Anyway, after that, there is much hiking up of skirts and unladylike of sitting, a quick and blatant cleavage shot, and tremendous amounts of tongue action and finger licking. All in all, it's like watching Cinemax in 30 seconds. Only now I'm not having to do so with the volume turned down and listening for my Mom to wake up and come out to the living room to see what I'm watching.

Considering the tag line at the end of the commercial for the sandwich (?)(her?)(you?)(me?)states it's "more than a piece of meat," the goal probably wasn't for me to experience the particular type of physical release I may or may not have. Whatever. I mean, I had to watch the damn thing three or four times before I even realized what it was Hardee's was trying to sell me. It was then that I really took notice of all the similarities Padma and I share!

Like her, I, too, have also always had a love affair with food. I didn't need to travel all over the world to feed it, of course. Not when my best friend in high school worked at the grocery store bakery and would bag me down with a dozen fried and frosted orbs on the cheap each night at closing time. I damn near guarantee you that a few times I sucked the deliciousness out of a cream-filled Long John the way Padma goes to town on what appears to be some delectable sweet sauce on that burger. I doubt anyone would have tapped on my car window while I was doing it and mentioned the word 'orgasm,' but if they weren't in bliss, I kind of was.

Also like Padma, I was reminded of being in high school and sneaking out before dinner to savor, well, a regular old bacon cheeseburger at our local Hardee's. I'd go because that's where Kent, my druggy crush, worked. Did I ever get a date with him out of all those trips? Nope. And while Padma says she left no evidence behind, my actual behind was, ironically, leaving evidence behind, so all I did manage to get out of my many youthful trips to Hardee's was a couple new pairs of jeans in a bigger size, and a few years later, when the sneaky eating and the efforts to hide the effects caught up with me (to again quote from the Book of Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Red beans and rice didn't miss her!") it also got me a year or so in treatment for an eating disorder! Woot!

I haven't been to a Hardee's in a kabillion years, or at least 20. Am I above fast food? Please. I'm the girl
who has eaten Cheetos and Reece's Pieces when I've discovered them in my cleavage so, you know, I ain't the most picky link on the food chain (even though I feel it necessary to amend the above statement to say I've not found those particular food stuffs in between my stuff at the same time! I'm not an animal!). I'm just not sure this commercial is going to be the thing that gives me a hankering for a hunk of Hardee's, that's all.

However, after seeing this commercial a few times now, I do kind of feel the need to take up smoking so I can roll over and ask Hardee's if it's got a cigarette.



Blogger Heather said...

I guess Hardee's is going for the male demographic eh?

Sunday, April 05, 2009 9:44:00 PM  
Anonymous TwoBusy said...

I feel dirty, hungry, and a little turned on. Is that so wrong?

Sunday, April 05, 2009 10:09:00 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

That was like either watching soft core porn or hardcore food porn..I can't decide which. Damn I want some good ol fashion American fast food now!

Monday, April 06, 2009 4:16:00 AM  
Blogger Tina@ SendChocolateNow said...

You made me feel dirty. Food porn, indeed. By the way, I tagged you for Catherine's little blog tour.

Find it here


Monday, April 06, 2009 5:11:00 AM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I LOVE Padma.......I've always thought she was just about the classiest woman on TV. So, thanks for ruining that for me, FADKOG!

Monday, April 06, 2009 6:44:00 AM  
Blogger Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Padma is hot and makes Top Chef worth watching!!

Still a little surprised she is doing ads for Hardees but who am I to judge?

Hallie :)

Monday, April 06, 2009 6:56:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Hmm. I think the old hairy leg feminist me is now overriding my new plunging neckline feminist. Besides, with her figure, how many of those does she actually eat--without throwing up?

Monday, April 06, 2009 7:23:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

I love Padma, and food porn - but I can't watch this at work. Damn your eyes, I.T. guy!

Monday, April 06, 2009 7:57:00 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I feel violated... :)

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:00:00 AM  
Blogger Chasity said...

Oh. My. Gosh. She must be an alien- How is it even possible to go to town on a burger like that without looking like a hippo on a bender? Because that's exactly what I would look like.

Skinemax. That's what my husband and I call it.

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:15:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

FOOD PORN ... aahhhh, yes. I love the cheeseburger / vibrator motif. Very cool.

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:27:00 AM  
Blogger kimmyk said...

I would totally do dirty things for a burger right about now.

Add mushrooms? HA! Don't tempt me.

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:34:00 AM  
Blogger Christina Lee said...

Holy Crapola!!! it's sooo hard to watch her on anything-b/c she exudes such sexuality she makes me kinda nervous-what a damn great idea to have her do this commercial!!! damn she is hot :)

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:42:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Booms said...

I swear to you, I got so lost in this that half way through reading the post I had to scroll back up in my reader because I couldn't remember who I was reading. The hell?

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Our local hardee's is complete crap. Went there with J shortly after I moved in and it took about 45 minutes to get serviced. And it wasn't even by anyone a tenth as hot as Padma. So, even that ridiculously sexy commercial (hi Padma, if I ever switch teams we can totally date) cannot woo me back. Sorry, Hardee's.

Monday, April 06, 2009 9:11:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

Now I feel I have to enjoy my Long Johns in private.

Monday, April 06, 2009 9:13:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

You are insidious, my dear. . .

Just thought you'd like to know. . .


(And I am totally more than a piece of meat. . . just sayin')

Monday, April 06, 2009 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger Cameron said...

I still don't want a Hardee's burger, but I do want to go google Padma for some scantily clad photos. maybe if Hardee's food wouldn't suck so much, I'd eat there more often. I do actually like their breakfast stuff.

Monday, April 06, 2009 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

We don't have Hardees up here, which is just as well, because I bet, should I stroll over there for a Padma-esque thickburger, it would end up disappointingly like Burger King and I would have no desire to lick its juices off my own legs.

God, that might just have been the dirtiest thing I've ever typed.

Monday, April 06, 2009 12:01:00 PM  
Blogger cIII said...

I want to be Bacon.

Monday, April 06, 2009 12:21:00 PM  
Blogger Kathy B! said...

Wow... I hadn't seen that. My kids came into the room and I actually flipped to a different screen...

Monday, April 06, 2009 12:40:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Juicebox said...

OMG You are sooo funny. They need commercials like this advertising their dollar menu though. I'm all about sexy AND cheap these days.

Monday, April 06, 2009 1:27:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I bet they had a lot of trouble getting the sauce to drip the right way - I'd love to see the outtakes...

Monday, April 06, 2009 1:56:00 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

Hardees don't exist where I live (any longer). If I want it, I have to travel. And who would travel for Hardees?

Not I.

I would, however, travel for a smoke. I miss smoking. And cheeseburgers too, believe you me. But my ass and I had a conversation and it told me it needed to get smaller.

Who am I to not listen to my ass?

Monday, April 06, 2009 6:13:00 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

All I could think was, "Oh my god, she's going to ruin that dress!"

My porn and your porn are two different things.

Now if it had been anything chocolate...

Monday, April 06, 2009 7:19:00 PM  
Blogger Swirl Girl said...

You had me at food porn...


(I too have eaten cleavage food bits. At least you know where it's been , and it's definitely cleaner than farmers market spices! Unless of course, your boobs are ravaged by hundreds of dirty fingers!

Monday, April 06, 2009 7:21:00 PM  
Blogger DKC said...

Holy Shite!! I just got to watch that. I am somewhat disturbed. Why must she keep hiking up her skirt in order to eat that thing? That has nothing to do with your mouth, Padma. Oo, that sounds bad somehow.

Monday, April 06, 2009 7:59:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Holy moley, that's a Hardee's commercial? It's very ... provocative. It makes me want to work out and scarf burgers simultaneously. How am I supposed to do that??

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:02:00 PM  
Blogger Melissa @ I Pick Pretty said...

It isn't every blogger who can get Sir Mix-A-Lot stuck in my head. Congratulations, FADKOG - you ARE that blogger.

Much like my favorite travel /food show ("No Reservations", naturally), this is a little dirty and a lot funny. Now if only I could swap Padma here out for Tony Bourdain . . .

Monday, April 06, 2009 8:11:00 PM  
Blogger for a different kind of girl said...

What the what?!?! I am watching TV right now and what comes on? A Burger King commercial. And who do they have pimping on it? SIR MIX-A-LOT!!!

Oh, it's on, Burger King. It. Is. ON!

Monday, April 06, 2009 9:41:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

I love the commercial. Sadly, it will neither make me go to Hardee's or watch Top Chef.

Monday, April 06, 2009 9:53:00 PM  
Blogger RhoRho said...

I just saw that tonight while drinking a margarita at a bar! Like hat chick eats burgers. WTF-ever.

Monday, April 06, 2009 11:39:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

i have never done that to a hamburger but give me a chocolate fondue or a hot fudge sundae and i am all over it.

once, however, i did lick off the sleeve that came around a boston cream cake and a guy in the room said he needed a private moment. bwahahaha.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 8:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good god! I feel all hot and bothered, now!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 11:29:00 AM  
Blogger MereCat said...

Ooooh she makes me feel so dirty. And a bit greasy, and ketchupy, too.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx said...

What on God's green earth did the Hardy's execs have to offer her to do that commercial?

Won't doing hard-core food porn (ahem) I mean, fast food commercials hurt sales of her fancy schamncy cook books?

Also, thank you for that. Now I want a double bacon cheeseburger and I'm flashing back to my single, bisexual days. lol

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 9:16:00 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

You make me laugh when I really, really need a good laugh. Thanks.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:55:00 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home