...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

i like big twits and i cannot lie

A couple of months ago, I wrote about the things I'd tweet if I twitted. Shortly after that post, in my quest to be as close to Backpacking Dad as legally possible, I became a huge twit, and if you ever wish to see me pushing my twits together far more than I probably should, you can join me at the love shack.

While I can appreciate the 140-character stable Twitter keeps you reigned in at, the confines of such brevity for a girl as wordy as myself (See what I mean? I could have just said '...for a wordy girl as myself,' or, better yet, just '...wordy girl') can feel a little like I'm trying to shove a pair of kick ass double Ds into a B-cup bra. Thus, to cap off the week, I'm letting my tweets spill over by sharing some random delights (or "double D-lites!") with you.

  • I called my 6-year-old niece Monday afternoon because I needed someone to feel bad for me after my tumble down the stairs. "Auntie's covered in owies, and the boys just laugh at me when I hurt, sweetie. Can you give me a hug through the phone?" After she'd happily obliged, I asked how her day had been. "I fell off the jungle gym at recess today and broke my wrist in two places and the doctor twisted it and I cried and now I have a cool cast on! I'm going to decorate it with polka dots!" she said. "Huh. So. I guess you're wanting that hug back." Gah! Totally pwnd by a kindergartner! Sympathy fail!
  • During the same phone call, my 11-year-old son, who'd earlier "Heh'd" me when I told him about my fall, virtually held the fragile bones of his cousin and told her what a trooper she was. Talk, as it is wont to do among the young, turned to cartoons. "So, do you like Scooby Doo?" my son asked. His query reminded me of his deep, consumer-driven love of all things Scooby Doo he'd had for years, the one Tool Man and I fed with videos, toys, clothing, and related paraphernalia. I smiled when I heard him ask his cousin if she, too, loved that damn dog, and I thought of how cute he was as a toddler at his Scooby Doo-themed birthday parties, and dragging two stuffed Great Danes to bed in his Scooby Doo pajamas. So sweet. And then: "Yeah, I really hate Scooby Doo, too." What? Under the mask of this so-called Scooby Doo fan was actually a boy who hated the crime-solving canine?! Poof! went my memories! Memories I would have held onto longer if it weren't for that darn kid!
  • I had my annual review at work the other day. This process took a record 90 seconds to administer because I'm just that fantastic. Management wishes science had the means to create a super colony of book sellers just like me, except we all know how that kind of thing turns out. There's always one Terminator/robot/alien/bionic goddess who uncovers her feelings deep within her steely facade, and then chaos breaks out. Alas, they'll have to make due with just me this holiday season.
  • At the completion of my review, I was rewarded for another year of awesomeness with a 50 cent raise. She's got big thoughts, big dreams, and a big brown Mercedes sedan! Four years of bionic-like employment, and this token puts me in the shadow of a double digit hourly wage! This is, alas, more than I ever made as a newspaper editor. Cristal for the house, courtesy of yours truly! Did I say Cristal? I meant Chrystal Light.
  • Hearing the theme song to 90210 - Duh nuh nuh nuh. Nuh nuh nuh nuh. Clap, clap. Duh nuh nuh nuh. Nuh Nuh Nuh Nun. Do do do do - still totally makes me happy. BH-Niner, I am forever your Andrea Zuckerman. I'll totally go all the way with you after prom. Just tell me you love me, too.
  • Speaking of love, the Kings of Leon's song Sex On Fire kind of makes me want to get laid. Strike that. It definitely makes me want to get laid. Seriously. I've probably listened to this song more times than I've actually been laid (which is to say, I've listened to it at least twice). In between verses, I think I can hear it pleading for mercy, saying something about how it's "...just one song, woman, not a machine!", and feigning sleep so I'll not hit rewind on my iPod to continue the sexy time.
  • Speaking of sexy time, I began the process of storing calories for the hard winter today when I discovered Reece's peanut butter pumpkins have made their triumphant return to stores shelves. They've probably been available for awhile now, but I've been too busy buying vibrators at Target to stroll the store's candy aisles. I bought one to bask in its glorious greatness (aka shove it in my mouth so quickly you'd ask to see my hands afterward because you would be afraid that, in my haste, I also ate my fingers clean off). Some observations - (1) Reece's peanut butter pumpkins seem a lot smaller than I remember and (2) Reece's peanut butter pumpkins are still totally awesome. However, having gorged on one, I must now declare a cease fire and prevent them from declaring war upon my ass. One and done. Cold turkey. Unless! Unless Reece's decides to put out a peanut butter turkey for Thanksgiving! Then all bets are off, and so will be my clothes, because I will eat so many of those damn things nothing will fit me.

That's about it. After reading those, you're perhaps thinking, "Eh. Follow you on twitter? Based on this post? I think I'm good. Yeah. I'm good. Are you good? Yeah. We're good. How 'bout we just get the check now?" That's OK. No worries. However, if you're so inclined, I've just shown you my tweets, so if you want, show me yours. Here, there, or anywhere.



Blogger Will said...

I find the 140 character requires one to be creative in their musings. Thankfully it's that short, because I don't think I could take long tweets about a man spa visiting fencer with a porn star mustache.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In no particular order:
A) Re: tweets, been there, done that. You've even seen mine. (Just to remind you: they're fabulous, and they're 100% natural.)
2) Love the "...if it weren't for that darn kid" reference. That's talent.
IV) Scooby, Sheila E, 90210, & Kings of Leon, all in one place. Only YOU. Love. It.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:12:00 PM  
Blogger Backpacking Dad said...

Oops. Here I thought I was on FADKOG's blog. But since Will is here, hitting on the hostess, this must be Redneck Mommy's blog. But, I'm confused. Because I feel the love wafting from the blog, like the heady perfume of a poppy field. And only one blog affects me like that...

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Backpacking Dad...Will's love for me is strong. It knows no bounds. He follows me wherever.

Just like your girlfriend, Fadkog.

Our love cannot be breached.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imagine the tweets between you and BPD if you were allowed more than 140 characters. I think I would blush... or not. I'd probably laugh and be jealous that I didn't have an internet boyfriend.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:42:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...

I can never quite fill the 140 characters. Does that make me a A cup pretending to be a B?

And I'd never thing you were a twit in your tweet.

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:50:00 PM  
Blogger Mandy said...


oops... late night typing you know

Thursday, September 25, 2008 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I'd love to follow all of you around on Twitter, but sometimes I need to do stuff. Like take showers, eat, and have sex (not in that particular order). But you all have fun now.

Friday, September 26, 2008 6:37:00 AM  
Blogger Kevin McKeever said...

I've never heard of a child not liking the Scoobster. Has society come to this?

"Sex on Fire" requires much ointment. And Bactine.

Friday, September 26, 2008 7:26:00 AM  
Blogger DKC said...

Since I'm only just stretching my legs in the blogging world, I think twitter will have to wait. But I enjoy seeing your wordy outtakes!

I think I read somewhere that Reece's pumpkins have the most calories of any candy or something crazy like that. So it's good you are going cold turkey. More for me.

Friday, September 26, 2008 7:48:00 AM  
Blogger Madame Queen said...

If I have to hear one more time "Guess what Scooby and Shaggy did?" or "one time, on Scooby Doo.." I'm going to lose my ever loving mind. I'm a Scooby fan and all, but a lady's got a limit, you know?

Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins? How did I not know these exist?

Friday, September 26, 2008 7:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking yr boy was feigning Scooby-hate just to sound cool to his cousin. Because, really... how can one truly hate the Mystery Machine gang?

(Except for Scrappy -- hating Scrappy is just fine.)

Friday, September 26, 2008 8:18:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

Based on that post, I will definitely follow you on Twitter.

btw, I love the Kings of Leon!!

Friday, September 26, 2008 8:51:00 AM  
Blogger Desmond Jones said...

Oh, my dear, back in the day when I still ate such things, my favorites were the 'seasonal' Reese's. Pumpkins in the fall, Christmas trees in December, eggs at Eastertime. . . and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few. . .

And man. . . totally one-upped by yer niece! Ouch!

Friday, September 26, 2008 8:56:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I quite frequently spill over my twits too (which are no where interesting so dont bother) but I do relate it to my D's wanting to be your DD's. I relate it to my double wide ass.

I laughed so outloud that I think you may have heard it over the crunch of your peanut buttery toast.

Undone in your masterful needy-ness by a 6 year old... Yikes. You need more practice (or better yet, it sounds like you both need to wrap yourselves in bubble wrap - not saran!)

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Lipstick Jungle said...

I dont relate it... dont. UGH

c.r.a.p this means another one of those word thingy's

I wonder what would happen if I clicked on the wheelchair dude? You put that there for me didnt ya?

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:25:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I don't know about the twitter thing (I'm far too British for most of this new fangled internet malarky) but that made me laugh a lot. Have another Reece peanut doodah for that post.

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:44:00 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm not really sure how tweets work. Maybe I would say stuff like:

Lately, I feel like I have creepy bugs crawling all over my skin.

The cat won't stop trying to eat my hair while I'm asleep.

We lost a fish and couldn't find the body until it bloated and appeared out of no where.

Friday, September 26, 2008 10:22:00 AM  
Blogger Claire said...

Oh.my.gosh. Sex on Fire. Never heard the song 'til today. Now, I'm gonna have to get an iPod and rock out! What a cool song!

Friday, September 26, 2008 10:24:00 AM  
Blogger motherbumper said...

You are going to dump Andrea right after she puts out, aren't you? I knew it...

Friday, September 26, 2008 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I like the 140 characters. It's a zen sort of sparseness.

90 second reviews rock. I hate wasting time in meetings.

It sounds like it's back to the vibrators aisle with you since you're off the PB pumpkins...

Friday, September 26, 2008 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Maybe you can work off the pumpkins with a vibrator work out?

(Um. Hello. That's a heck of an intro, isn't it?)

Friday, September 26, 2008 11:31:00 AM  
Blogger LarryLilly said...

Hey your lucky. When my first wife who worked for a newspaper had her annual review and this was after she won an AP award for a story, the paper gave her a 25 cent raise.

But then, she was only making like 6 bucks, so that was a sizable raise LOL

Friday, September 26, 2008 12:04:00 PM  
Blogger Biscuit said...

I'm sorry, I got all the through your post laughing, but THEN I got to your label and giggled. And then giggled some more. And more.

I like big butts and I cannot lie...

Friday, September 26, 2008 3:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Twitter is a sneaky little b****.

At first you're all, "What is this thing called Twitter? I don't get it."

Then later you're all, "Well, I'll try typing a couple of these 140 character missives and see how they turn out. Couldn't hurt."

Then a couple weeks later you're all, "KIDS! Get the eff off Mommy's laptop because I have to tweet about the hot dog I just ate and how it gave me the burps."

It's kind of like that.

Congrat's on the raise, BTW. That's awesome. And depressing.

Gotta go click that "vibrators at Target" link now.

Friday, September 26, 2008 4:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would tweet, but I looked and literally, there are two people on twitter from my town. Sadness. I don't wanna be a sad, lonely twit!

Friday, September 26, 2008 7:56:00 PM  
Blogger steenky bee said...

I heart you so I've given you an award. Check it over at my place when you get a chance.

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:08:00 PM  
Blogger Bogart said...

Don't spend all that money in one place!

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention that you are THE CHAMPION at Guess the Song, that stupid game I just made up that nobody really plays except you and maybe two other people if they feel like it. But, still. I totally think it's worth mentioning.

And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face -
But I've come through

Who's the big winner? You are!!

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:27:00 PM  
Blogger Me said...

I'm hooked on the 90210 reruns on The Soap Network! Love that show!

Friday, September 26, 2008 9:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah your tweets totally brought me here to your blog. Cause sometimes a chick needs more than a quickie.

Saturday, September 27, 2008 5:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay, i am drinking my coffee and come to visit my fave diff kinda gal and i read the title of this post and said coffee comes a'snortin' out me nose! hahaha! god, i love this title!!!

and long live 90210! who woulda thought andrea zuckerman would have been the one to get knocked up? i thought it would be kelly. and i love you Nate from the Peach Pit. god, i used to dream about him serving me up a piece of that pie with some icecream on top while i conversed with Steve Sanders about how stupid it was for him to let those two hoes from the club drive off in his black corvette convertible. remember that episode?

anyways, have a great weekend!

Saturday, September 27, 2008 6:33:00 AM  
Blogger Choppzs said...

I love the old 90210s. The new ones, they just don't do it for me! lol

Saturday, September 27, 2008 3:27:00 PM  
Blogger Brian o vretanos said...

I'm afraid I'm something of a technological dinosaur (even though I'm a technologist), so haven't yet found the need either to twitter or be twittered to.

90 seconds for an annual review is 90 seconds more than this process warrants. The bottom line is always whether or not you're worth what they're paying you. If you're not and they've not fired you, then there's something wrong, so what's the point of a review? You're lucky - we spend hours putting together annual reports...

Saturday, September 27, 2008 4:46:00 PM  
Blogger Bee said...

FADKOG I so envy you. My last raise that was supposed to yearly was given to me a year and a half later and it was one measly quarter. This is why I will not fetch, roll over or bark on command.

I get pwned by my niece all the time. :o)

Sunday, September 28, 2008 12:14:00 AM  
Blogger Nanette said...

Have you picked up that espresso machine yet? ;) (Seriously, you should be paid for your writing!)

If you ever decide to show your twits to Rick Sanchez on CNN (my new obsession--no, not Rick Sanchez, CNN) I might get to catch a glimpse of your stunning set..of twitties. :P

Sunday, September 28, 2008 1:54:00 AM  
Blogger pipper said...

I LOVE following you on Twitter!

Sunday, September 28, 2008 1:47:00 PM  
Blogger Chat Blanc said...

So glad you're on twitter. I figure if I'm twittering EVERYONE should twitter. I mean, who wouldn't want to wake up each more with the twitter twitch?

Sunday, September 28, 2008 4:25:00 PM  
Blogger The Stiletto Mom said...

Based on this, I would totally follow you on twitter, if I could figure out the new twitter! 140 characters of your goodness everyday? To die for, my friend. Ok, back to trying to "find you" wihtout inviting 200 people in the process. "Improvements" are always a pain in the ass.

Sunday, September 28, 2008 10:43:00 PM  
Blogger A.C. said...

AW! Reese's Peanut Butter Pumpkins! Those are AMAZING! And the trees and the eggs...

It's like, all the goodness of Peanut Butter Cups with 1/8 the chocolate and 8X the peanut buttery goodness.

I need one. Now.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 2:10:00 PM  

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